Experiencing meltdowns

[pastelanxiety]

Since getting diagnosed with autism as an adult a couple months ago and beginning the process of unmasking, I've noticed I'm experiencing more meltdowns than prior. I'm not sure if it's because I'm starting to learn how to unmask and I'm allowing myself to feel and express what have always been surpressed meltdowns, or if I've always experienced them but am now only just noticing them because of the diagnosis/learning more about autism in general.

I recently bought some new clothes and got my first proper haircut in over a year, however tonight I went into total meltdown mode and during the process I had to hide all of my new purchases away and replace them with their older formers because the mere thought of their existence made me so unbelievably anxious and upset.

Not really sure what the purpose of this post is, just sort of voicing my recent realization that meltdowns are something I now appear to experience, and I've probably been experiencing for a while under the guise of just being "stressed out". Wondering if anyone else started to notice something similar once they'd been diagnosed as an adult?

 

[Rodafina]

I'm not sure if it's because I'm starting to learn how to unmask and I'm allowing myself to feel and express what have always been surpressed meltdowns, or if I've always experienced them but am now only just noticing them because of the diagnosis/learning more about autism in general.

I bet it’s a bit of both. I relate to what you’ve written.

For me, I couldn’t say I experience them more often, but now I recognize what is happening and have a word for it. Mine are definitely less intense than they used to be, so that’s very hopeful.

 

[Nervous Rex]

It could be a few things:

1) Perception Bias - now that you're aware of what meltdowns are, you're more aware of them.

2) You're more overwhelmed - Learning about autism has made you hypervigilant and that's added some stress to your existing mental burden.

3) You're masking less - You're allowing yourself a little more to feel and express the things that lead to a meltdown, instead of masking and burying them.

4) You're life is more stressful - Maybe the things that trigger a meltdown are more frequent right now, just by coincidence.

In the first three cases, I would guess that you're going through a period of adjustment and that you'll be back to normal - or settling on a new normal - soon. When I got diagnosed, I went through a period of hypersensitivity and changed behavior - like a mini identity crisis, before "I'm autistic and I'm living with that now" became normal.

 

[Xinyta]

I understand your panic and confusion. While I am not officially diagnosed, just finding out that I could have something on the spectrum has put me in a bit of a spiral too. I already have serious psych problems, and adding a neurological condition I have no choice but to live with added some stress to my already overburdened brain. Before living with my uncle, I was a zombie. In a figurative matter of speaking, anyway. I was so shut down and shut off from the world, I had no idea what was going on in the world around me. Life happened without me, as it does. But these past few days with a breakthrough in my psych problems and putting a bit more effort into understanding myself, I have started seeing things differently.

That's part of it. You need time to adjust. Figure out where you want to put yourself and figure out a path you want to take in handling your newfound diagnosis.

 

[Progster]

I went through something similar when I was first diagnosed. A lot of rumination, processing, more spoons being used up than normal, more likely to react to stimuli. Now over ten years on things have settled down and are as they were before, but this time armed with the knowledge of what causes them, and better coping strategies to combat them.

 

[Kayla55]

I was never good at shopping, I had this quiet friend who insisted I go with and made me buy this black lace shirt, I wore it once.
Honestly I struggle as it's almost like having split personality, one day I'll convince myself to buy clothes that are for masking and good social outfits. Then the real me says but I hate society, I even cut half sleeve off and sewed big stitches in black....it means I hate this!!
As safe bet I prefer tops that don't have pattern around the boobs, even bows, or pleats or whatever. So I wear plain shirts that little tighter than t-shirts as don't want to be totally bogus.
I've being told countless times jeans are not fashion, my shoes not allowed into smart casual.
It's tough, I'm not gay, I'm a-sexual and tying ribbons onto monkeys boobs isn't an evolutionary factor that I like, hence I'm no fashion designer. But that may be my experience of autism, the worst is going out and having men stare at my boobs, so shirts like above would really send me elsewhere. I'm also a tom-boy so masking and having my nails clean for longer than 2 hours is impossible. I hate dresses because confine my movement and force me to act ladylike,

 

[tazz]

I was diagnosed a few months ago. I'm still figuring things out. Maybe throughout my life I've had these times when things get too much but I've never thought of it as an inherent issue caused by the way my brain is wired, so I've just assumed I need to try harder to deal with whatever's stressing me out. Since diagnosis, I think I've been a bit more comfortable with exiting situations that are starting to get overwhelming. So it feels like I'm suddenly having more issues, but really I'm not - I'm more frequently saying to myself this is enough, but it's only happening more frequently because I'm catching it earlier.

 

[Kayla55]

I think society doesn't want to accept women in a different role. Even fashion designers are men, actors used to portray women and no one accepts you could even know anything more about a women's role!! Not even if you cook everyday of your life, spend hours with kids.
Also even if you wanted to persue a more defined job function it's still prejudice, I like welding and boy oh boy didn't they want me in class, I even filed steel faster than some of those NT brats, since it was like scouring pots. I argued with lecturer for about half hour over my work.
I regret having children first because of my unhappy childhood but also because it set me back and I got dumped unemployed cleaning the house, he made family time unpleasant with his live in bad attitude (not all like this but mostly)
Another thing is women are conditioned to be silent when unhappy with a partner, it's cruelty and you can't exactly go around picking up men as it's just not same. The mask interpreted in this way is disguising your unhappiness inside and doing what you supposed to without complaining and years into marriage have passed as numb, numb, numb!!
If I wrote all experiences of war to survive male dominated industries it would be too lengthy, my Mom always commented on my stupidity and I always knew and agreed but to me sexual contact was such unhappy experience that I choose a life of hardship and work.
That my correspondence study hours made difficult for me vs easy access afforded to men, who then play games.

So becareful of day last feminine drop in you dies, because i was this way as a child, curious, intelligent, alert and it was puberty that complicated my changes in dress code and confused my life.
Honestly I think it's invasive that teens are exposed to Soo much sex images and stuff because if it wasn't so maybe many more girls would agree that sexual interest came later if at all.

 

[AspieChris]

Since getting diagnosed with autism as an adult a couple months ago and beginning the process of unmasking, I've noticed I'm experiencing more meltdowns than prior. I'm not sure if it's because I'm starting to learn how to unmask and I'm allowing myself to feel and express what have always been surpressed meltdowns, or if I've always experienced them but am now only just noticing them because of the diagnosis/learning more about autism in general.

I recently bought some new clothes and got my first proper haircut in over a year, however tonight I went into total meltdown mode and during the process I had to hide all of my new purchases away and replace them with their older formers because the mere thought of their existence made me so unbelievably anxious and upset.

Not really sure what the purpose of this post is, just sort of voicing my recent realization that meltdowns are something I now appear to experience, and I've probably been experiencing for a while under the guise of just being "stressed out". Wondering if anyone else started to notice something similar once they'd been diagnosed as an adult?

I went through the exact same thing 15 years ago. I THINK I know what happened to me.

Years of hiding my stress meant I was really good at masking a meltdown. They were always happening but I had learned to cover them up so well that I just thought it was stress that everyone felt and covered up also. Not knowing I was different meant not realizing I was “melting down”.

Once the curtain had been lifted, I began to understand that I was having what is known as a meltdown. Hiding it didn’t mean it wasn’t happening, it only meant I didn’t have to be embarrassed by it. There’s a freedom that comes with the diagnosis, but it also means that I don’t have to hide anymore. Not hiding = much more outward emotions and visible stress. So it felt like meltdowns became more frequent but it was more like they became more obvious. I still try not to embarrass myself but I have learned to see it coming and go be alone when it’s happening (usually).

Sometimes (for me) it helps to have a full blown meltdown. It feels horrible and I hate it, however it means it will pass in hours instead of days. I used to wait for the band-aid to get gross and fall of on it’s own. Now I guess I prefer to rip it off (arm hair and all), let it scab over, and get to the business of healing so I can get back to life. (I do try to not make it my wife’s responsibility to explain why a grown man is making a fool of himself since it’s not her fault, so I try to pay attention and get away from everything before I start letting out my emotions)

 

[pastelanxiety]

I went through the exact same thing 15 years ago. I THINK I know what happened to me.

Years of hiding my stress meant I was really good at masking a meltdown. They were always happening but I had learned to cover them up so well that I just thought it was stress that everyone felt and covered up also. Not knowing I was different meant not realizing I was “melting down”.

Once the curtain had been lifted, I began to understand that I was having what is known as a meltdown. Hiding it didn’t mean it wasn’t happening, it only meant I didn’t have to be embarrassed by it. There’s a freedom that comes with the diagnosis, but it also means that I don’t have to hide anymore. Not hiding = much more outward emotions and visible stress. So it felt like meltdowns became more frequent but it was more like they became more obvious. I still try not to embarrass myself but I have learned to see it coming and go be alone when it’s happening (usually).

Sometimes (for me) it helps to have a full blown meltdown. It feels horrible and I hate it, however it means it will pass in hours instead of days. I used to wait for the band-aid to get gross and fall of on it’s own. Now I guess I prefer to rip it off (arm hair and all), let it scab over, and get to the business of healing so I can get back to life. (I do try to not make it my wife’s responsibility to explain why a grown man is making a fool of himself since it’s not her fault, so I try to pay attention and get away from everything before I start letting out my emotions)

This was very validating for me to read, thank you for your input. I think I may be similar to you in the sense of now knowing what's actually happening - it's not normal "every day" stress, but autism driven. Despite the fact I haven't had a full blown meltdown in front of anyone yet (which is somewhat preferrable), I still feel some embarrassment and shame which I'm working on overcoming.

 

[pastelanxiety]

I bet it’s a bit of both. I relate to what you’ve written.

For me, I couldn’t say I experience them more often, but now I recognize what is happening and have a word for it. Mine are definitely less intense than they used to be, so that’s very hopeful.

I'm hoping the more I learn about myself and my limits and tolerance levels in certain situations, I will be able to lessen how many or at least minimise the severity of them. I'm going through a particularly stressful time at the moment so that is definitely acting as a catalyst

 

[pastelanxiety]

It could be a few things:

1) Perception Bias - now that you're aware of what meltdowns are, you're more aware of them.

2) You're more overwhelmed - Learning about autism has made you hypervigilant and that's added some stress to your existing mental burden.

3) You're masking less - You're allowing yourself a little more to feel and express the things that lead to a meltdown, instead of masking and burying them.

4) You're life is more stressful - Maybe the things that trigger a meltdown are more frequent right now, just by coincidence.

In the first three cases, I would guess that you're going through a period of adjustment and that you'll be back to normal - or settling on a new normal - soon. When I got diagnosed, I went through a period of hypersensitivity and changed behavior - like a mini identity crisis, before "I'm autistic and I'm living with that now" became normal.

Oh wow, the "mini identity crisis" really resonates with me! That's a very accurate way of describing it, that's very much what I'm currently feeling. I think I'm experiencing a combination of all your points, especially the point about stress - I'm experiencing increased stress at the moment and that is definitely a trigger.

 

[pastelanxiety]

I was diagnosed a few months ago. I'm still figuring things out. Maybe throughout my life I've had these times when things get too much but I've never thought of it as an inherent issue caused by the way my brain is wired, so I've just assumed I need to try harder to deal with whatever's stressing me out. Since diagnosis, I think I've been a bit more comfortable with exiting situations that are starting to get overwhelming. So it feels like I'm suddenly having more issues, but really I'm not - I'm more frequently saying to myself this is enough, but it's only happening more frequently because I'm catching it earlier.

This is an interesting way of looking at it - effectively, I'm not actually experiencing an increase in meltdowns, it's just that now I'm allowing myself to feel them it feels like more. In terms of exiting situations that are challenging, I am working really hard on acknowledging my limitations and honouring them - I recently turned down a paid work trip to Malaysia because I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to perform at the expected level, and it would be literal hell on earth for me. Thank you for your insight and viewpoint on this!

 

[AspieChris]

This was very validating for me to read, thank you for your input. I think I may be similar to you in the sense of now knowing what's actually happening - it's not normal "every day" stress, but autism driven. Despite the fact I haven't had a full blown meltdown in front of anyone yet (which is somewhat preferrable), I still feel some embarrassment and shame which I'm working on overcoming.

The only person other than my wife who ever got to witness a full blown blubbering and slobbering meltdown was my family Dr. I’d just had major spine surgery and the pain medication wasn’t doing anything at all. So I’m sitting in the little room with my walker and a bath towel to catch my snot, spit, and tears. I could barely look up from my towel, but I caught a glimpse of the Dr’s face and she looked terrified. I’m sure it’s the first time she ever saw a 40 year old man coming completely unraveled. I have no doubt that if my wife hadn’t been there to explain, the Dr would have put me in an ambulance.

That was about 8 years ago and I can still see her face. It’s almost enough to push me into another meltdown. It’s something I really wish I could forget.