Expectations stress me out

[Pats]

Expectations:
that I'm supposed to act normal (I try but it just doesn't happen most the time)

that I'm supposed to commit to something and meet obligations made up by society (I hate having to be anywhere on a certain day at a certain time - aside from not being sports inclined, that's the main reason I would never join a tournament or sports team of any kind).

that I'm supposed to participate (I don't want to take a turn, have to say something or introduce myself, or anything that is going to bring attention to me)

that I'm supposed to fit a particular mold (currently a grandma mold)

that I'm supposed to contribute according to someone else's ideas instead of my own (I'm better at writing but told I have to physically visit or call)

that I'm supposed to agree above just accepting (I accept everyone has a right to their opinions and their own actions, but that's not good enough today. I'm supposed to condone and agree with everything whether I do or not).

that I'm supposed to dress appropriately (nope, I wear what I want and it might be a white skirt to the races or jeans on the beach.)

that I'm supposed to maintain my home a certain way (supposed to make my bed daily, keep dishes washed. well - my bed is always made, but that's because I always sleep on the couch. )

that I'm supposed to change the oil in my car (just threw that one in for humor. lol)

that I'm supposed to take an interest in whatever the current popular thing is (I don't like America's got talent or whatever it is and I don't want to watch Walking Dead or read 50 shades of gray just so we can talk about it. And WHY do people still insist on talking to me about it when I tell them I'm not interested??)

that I'm supposed to help others in this way instead of my own way (I may keep cash handy in my car to hand to someone holding a sign on a corner or buy something and tell the cashier to give it to the little girl in line behind me. No one is going to see the things I do so they will want me to do the things that lets everyone know I'm doing something - like serve on a committee or teach a class.)

that I'm supposed to want to babysit or visit multiple times a week (why do I feel guilty that I don't go visit my grandkids and kids on a weekly basis like all the other grandparents brag about doing)

I have had discussions with family members and literally ask them what they want from me and never get an answer but they get mad because I'm not doing what they want.

My brother and his wife used to meet me outside the door because they wouldn't want me and my kids to come in the house. My sister in law has pretended not to know me in a public place. But they expect me to come visit them now or do favors for them (which I have done because that's who I am, but still.)

And why is it wasting my time to play a few games on the computer or work a jigsaw puzzle, yet it's acceptable to spend that time watching a movie or reading a book?

I stress daily because I know I am not meeting expectations. I've never been able to live up to anyone's expectations.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

So you care.
I dont want to sound rude but arent you old enought to set your own rules? Do you depend on anyone?

 

[Mr Allen]

This kind of thing seriously annoys me, I mean come on, define "normal?! According to the Daily Fail/Torygraph readers who lambast me constantly, "normal" is someone who works 60 hours a week for almost no money after the Taxman takes his cut, just to "Keep the Wolf from the door".

 

[Pats]

So you care.
I dont want to sound rude but arent you old enought to set your own rules? Do you depend on anyone?

You would think so. lol (wasn't rude). And I've never depended on anyone. I'm actually harder on myself than I am anyone with rules and stuff. I'm probably the one who I most can't live up to my expectations.

 

[the_tortoise]

Expectations:
that I'm supposed to act normal (I try but it just doesn't happen most the time)

that I'm supposed to commit to something and meet obligations made up by society (I hate having to be anywhere on a certain day at a certain time - aside from not being sports inclined, that's the main reason I would never join a tournament or sports team of any kind).

that I'm supposed to participate (I don't want to take a turn, have to say something or introduce myself, or anything that is going to bring attention to me)

that I'm supposed to fit a particular mold (currently a grandma mold)

that I'm supposed to contribute according to someone else's ideas instead of my own (I'm better at writing but told I have to physically visit or call)

that I'm supposed to agree above just accepting (I accept everyone has a right to their opinions and their own actions, but that's not good enough today. I'm supposed to condone and agree with everything whether I do or not).

that I'm supposed to dress appropriately (nope, I wear what I want and it might be a white skirt to the races or jeans on the beach.)

that I'm supposed to maintain my home a certain way (supposed to make my bed daily, keep dishes washed. well - my bed is always made, but that's because I always sleep on the couch. )

that I'm supposed to change the oil in my car (just threw that one in for humor. lol)

that I'm supposed to take an interest in whatever the current popular thing is (I don't like America's got talent or whatever it is and I don't want to watch Walking Dead or read 50 shades of gray just so we can talk about it. And WHY do people still insist on talking to me about it when I tell them I'm not interested??)

that I'm supposed to help others in this way instead of my own way (I may keep cash handy in my car to hand to someone holding a sign on a corner or buy something and tell the cashier to give it to the little girl in line behind me. No one is going to see the things I do so they will want me to do the things that lets everyone know I'm doing something - like serve on a committee or teach a class.)

that I'm supposed to want to babysit or visit multiple times a week (why do I feel guilty that I don't go visit my grandkids and kids on a weekly basis like all the other grandparents brag about doing)

I have had discussions with family members and literally ask them what they want from me and never get an answer but they get mad because I'm not doing what they want.

My brother and his wife used to meet me outside the door because they wouldn't want me and my kids to come in the house. My sister in law has pretended not to know me in a public place. But they expect me to come visit them now or do favors for them (which I have done because that's who I am, but still.)

And why is it wasting my time to play a few games on the computer or work a jigsaw puzzle, yet it's acceptable to spend that time watching a movie or reading a book?

I stress daily because I know I am not meeting expectations. I've never been able to live up to anyone's expectations.

Sometimes other people's expectations of us are unreasonable or selfish.

Your opinion of what is right/fair/reasonable matters just as much as those you have relationships or interactions with.

Your needs and wants are just as important as anyone else's.

I know that doesn't make it any easier when you want to maintain relationships and continue to have interactions with people who don't value, accept or even just tolerate you for who you are; don't understand/respect your needs; and/or don't care about your ideas of fair/right/reasonable..... But I think that it's important to remember these things anyways.....

It's important to remember them so that you can set boundaries and take care of yourself, and to protect your heart a little bit from the harsh/unreasonable/silly judgements of others (even though it still hurts if you are judged and/or rejected - or it can still hurt). Sometimes it's not worth it to try to meet other people's expectations, and better to just let them be upset and judge you for not being "normal" or doing things exactly like they do or for not doing whatever it is they want you to do. If you aren't hurting anyone and someone else is uncomfortable with you just for being different or for not living your life the exact same way as they do, it's their problem; You haven't done anything wrong and it's the other person's responsibility to deal with their feelings, not yours.

 

[Pats]

Went though a time in my life, (after menopause) where I began to think of things differently. Which may have been related to the decrease of certain types of hormones. My sympathy and compassion lessened as it related to biological family. Likely related to the way they treated me, throughout childhood and adulthood.

Went though a time in my life, (after menopause) where I began to think of things differently. Which may have been related to the decrease of certain types of hormones. My sympathy and compassion lessened as it related to biological family. Likely related to the way they treated me, throughout childhood and adulthood.

That's really interesting because I feel the same way - I have less concern and don't understand why we have to be close when there are no other ties except for the past, which I don't care to remember. It's weird - like why, just because I remember some of the goofy things we did growing up, would that make us close today when we have absolutely nothing in common, agree on nothing, live completely different lifestyles, etc.

 

[Pats]

Sometimes other people's expectations of us are unreasonable or selfish.

Your opinion of what is right/fair/reasonable matters just as much as those you have relationships or interactions with.

Your needs and wants are just as important as anyone else's.

I know that doesn't make it any easier when you want to maintain relationships and continue to have interactions with people who don't value, accept or even just tolerate you for who you are; don't understand/respect your needs; and/or don't care about your ideas of fair/right/reasonable..... But I think that it's important to remember these things anyways.....

It's important to remember them so that you can set boundaries and take care of yourself, and to protect your heart a little bit from the harsh/unreasonable/silly judgements of others (even though it still hurts if you are judged and/or rejected - or it can still hurt). Sometimes it's not worth it to try to meet other people's expectations, and better to just let them be upset and judge you for not being "normal" or doing things exactly like they do or for not doing whatever it is they want you to do. If you aren't hurting anyone and someone else is uncomfortable with you just for being different or for not living your life the exact same way as they do, it's their problem; You haven't done anything wrong and it's the other person's responsibility to deal with their feelings, not yours.

I think you hit it on the nose. The ones I feel most judged from are those that expect everything to be within their own realms of thinking. Maybe I think outside the box. But I need to write that on my hand or something to remind myself.

 

[Pats]

I think just about every Monday I spend the day feeling a bit down on myself because I listen to the preacher say how we need to be closer to each other and I don't understand how to make that happen when you never get anything more than small talk. I can't get close to someone just in knowing they spent yesterday making a pie. And if I try to get into a more serious discussion I'm looked at funny and they respond with an "I don't know" type answer and walk away. So then I feel guilty for not feeling closer to anyone. It gets deeper and is almost a weekly thing - and I didn't really want to make that my discussion, so that it boils down to expectations, I went with that.

 

[BraidedPony]

This topic is big for me.
I have spent my whole life trying to get people to like me and find a place that I fit in.
I have failed, simple as that. So now that I have accepted this it is a relief because I’m not going to waste my time worrying about how I’m acting and how others perceive me.
I’m making plans to move to a less populated area with my dog for company, collect my small pension, and do whatever I want until I die of old age.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think just about every Monday I spend the day feeling a bit down on myself because I listen to the preacher say how we need to be closer to each other and I don't understand how to make that happen when you never get anything more than small talk. I can't get close to someone just in knowing they spent yesterday making a pie. And if I try to get into a more serious discussion I'm looked at funny and they respond with an "I don't know" type answer and walk away. So then I feel guilty for not feeling closer to anyone.

I takes effort from two people to become close and find ways to connect; The responsibility can never be on one person alone.

You try your best to reach out to people, and for that you should be proud of yourself.

 

[Autistamatic]

I gave up on family a long time ago. You don't get a free pass just because of some shared genes.

 

[Judge]

I decided a very long time ago to not allow anyone to put me on the spot over much of anything.

Generally I live my life on my own terms with a certain degree of anticipated risk, though it does involve being alone most of the time in relative isolation. No longer struggling to adapt to a world I can never ever really be a part of. For me, it works.

How do I define all this? I don't. But I suppose if I want someone to understand to some small degree, I'll just smile and say, "Jeremiah Johnson".

 

[tducey]

They do to me as well, I prefer to do things at my own pace.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

Every time i have expectations i always freak out when things are not as i expected. i think expectations are some ill thinking pattern that does no good to anybody.

 

[TheFreeCat]

"My brother and his wife used to meet me outside the door because they wouldn't want me and my kids to come in the house. My sister in law has pretended not to know me in a public place."

Awful.

These are reasons I stay away from people or if I am near them, do not engage.

 

[BraidedPony]

Pats, you said that the pastor says people/families are to be closer to each other, like love, respect, support etc. That means OTHERS also have to put in effort, it isn’t supposed to be all up to you.
It feels to me that you are putting in most of the effort and your family does not sound very supportive or respectful to you.
I think that some of us, not because we are Aspies, but some of us are trained from an early age to put up with mistreatment, and not even know when it’s happening. Ie: pretending not to know you in public!
This is what I’m learning about in my life right now, how to recognize when people don’t deserve my friendship and how to set boundaries and stand up for myself.
You can remove some of those expectations on you a little at a time or however is best for you. You are important and deserve respect and support.

 

[Pats]

Pats, you said that the pastor says people/families are to be closer to each other, like love, respect, support etc. That means OTHERS also have to put in effort, it isn’t supposed to be all up to you.
It feels to me that you are putting in most of the effort and your family does not sound very supportive or respectful to you.
I think that some of us, not because we are Aspies, but some of us are trained from an early age to put up with mistreatment, and not even know when it’s happening. Ie: pretending not to know you in public!
This is what I’m learning about in my life right now, how to recognize when people don’t deserve my friendship and how to set boundaries and stand up for myself.
You can remove some of those expectations on you a little at a time or however is best for you. You are important and deserve respect and support.

Yes I did know the acting like she didn't know me was mistreatment. I'd never do or say anything about it, though. And I think you're right that we learn to accept however we are treated from the get go. Interesting point.

 

[BraidedPony]

But then we are the first to stand up for someone else! I become this assertive person when it comes to my dog!

 

[Pats]

But then we are the first to stand up for someone else! I become this assertive person when it comes to my dog!

Oh, yes. Ask anyone who has ever tried to mistreat any of my kids - I become a mamma grizzly and wouldn't hesitate taking down a 6 foot tall body builder. Treat me how you want, but don't mess with my kids.

 

[Adora]

I couldn’t say it better than what you have already written,I hate feeling like I have to meet someone else’s expectations or just be like everyone else,it can be draining and cause unwanted anxiety which is a big issue I have.