Emotion, heartlessness, and all that

[Grondhammar]

Question at the end, with background:

Autism is sometimes portrayed in media as (negatively) heartless/cold, or (positively) awkward, or (more neutrally) simply unemotional.

Having lived the experience, it's anything but unemotional -- if anything, it's way too much. But I can see where the stereotype comes from:

1. I feel deeply but rarely understand my own feelings (alexithymia), let alone someone else's and have intense trouble both regulating and expressing them
2. I'm often highly focussed and during those times I don't have room in my head for other people's emotional state
3. I often shut down/dissociate if someone's expressing painful/strong feelings, due to the massive sensory/internal overwhelm
4. Having strong aversions to certain food / clothing / textures means, if those things are important to someone close to me, it can look like I don't want to support them
5. I don't have room or interest for the potential boat-rocking of emotional effort due to craving/requiring stability, routine, and settled-ness.

I feel like I could go on and list several more points that add up to someone perceiving me as either cold or unemotional.

Q: if you perceive the above (or similar) in yourself... how have you dealt with it? Do you actively block any emotional connection at all? Do you accept that people will get hurt with their expectations of you in this area? Have you found some way to work hard to overcome what most people see as a deficiency?

 

[TBRS1]

I have no problem with #1, and not many problems with #4 (unless you're talking about polyester. Ewe, gross. Even smells bad).

#5 I deal with by allowing my hermit-like tendencies to have their way with me (I'm retired, so I can get away with it).

#3 is a big one. I do get emotionally blown away, especially if somebody is suffering in some way. To deal with this, I have a "funeral face" to wear (so I don't look blank), and remember a couple of "I'm so sorry" sentences to use. It isn't that I "fake feelings," I just need to remember how to show them while I'm trying not to go blank.

On the other hand, if somebody is hollering at me, I just retreat into my mind and let them holler. They generally stop fairly soon if I don't respond and tend to walk away muttering (which I confess to finding absolutely hilarious).

 

[Dagan]

All of them, just in differing degrees depending on the level of the situation.

The whole time, the chess match mentality is in full force, as I am contemplating the options to speak / respond or just stay silent. Staying silent is what mostly makes folks probably think I am heartless in such moments. It's not the case. It's seriously more about being worried that any single thing I might say is going to be mistaken or taken horribly wrong. That's it.

 

[thejuice]

it's ironic being called robotic or inhuman, when a lot of us feel much more keenly than average. It's just not an NT-typical outward expression of emotion. We might not know the NT-typical things to say to comfort people.

So it's a judgement made from the ignorant majority when they clash with a small minority of the population, whose needs or temperament are rarely considered.

I think there is so much going on in our inner worlds that sometimes there is no room for relationships or dealing with the loud, bright, demanding, extraverted outside world!