Don't seem autistic

[LostInSilentHill]

So this is an issue I've come across a few times now, since my diagnosis. People sometimes tell me that I don't seem autistic or I don't act any different than others. I have a hard time trying to understand what to say in these situations. Hmm, let me give an example.

I am in a work program and the boss of the place I work at knows I am autistic (she is a partner in this program). I had been working for her for a few days when she asked me if she could ask me a personal question. She wondered when I was diagnosed, and when I asked why she wanted to know that, she told me I was a model employee and didn't seem to have any issues. I didn't know how to explain to her about my difficulties.

By the way, I can hide some of the more disruptive behaviour when I am not stressed or overwhelmed, especially for the 5-hour shifts I get. Probably why I seemed neurotypical to her.

People close to me, those who spend more than a couple hours at a time with me, notice my behaviour (even if they don't know what brings it on). I don't know if maybe I'm just really good at hiding my 'quirks' or what, but I've had a few people say similar things before. I don't know how to explain it, and I would like to be able to give an answer. I do understand that I can just say it is personal but I would like to be able to say something if I choose.

 

[Judge]

A very thoughtful post- and subject. It's something that concerns and frustrates me at times as well.

Though unfortunately most other humans cannot "get into our head" to truly understand in the big picture that we are on the spectrum. That more likely we're judged on individual circumstances where we may appear NT but really aren't. Again going back to casual appearance rather than substance and intense, lengthy observation.

Plus they have utterly no way to differentiate between when we mimic NT traits and behaviors versus actually living them. (Sometimes I think I should win an Oscar.)

It's not fair, but it's what many people default to.

I guess I'm just grateful that I can most often hide my OCD behaviors when I need or should without anyone suspecting to the contrary. Go figure.

 

[Bolletje]

I get this a lot too. I don't fit the idea that people have of how someone with autism should be. They often don't believe me when I tell them I'm on the spectrum, but they don't know all the things going on in my head.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I often get "You don't look Autistic."
My response is always that I wasn't aware that Autism had a particular "look." :/ That just goes to show how naive some people can be about Autism and how little they actually know.

I think a fair amount of NTs expect every Autistic person to be low-functioning and are surprised that most are actually rather articulate and intelligent.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I often get "You don't look Autistic."
My response is always that I wasn't aware that Autism had a particular "look." :/ That just goes to show how naive some people can be about Autism and how little they actually know.

I think a fair amount of NTs expect every Autistic person to be low-functioning and are surprised that most are actually rather articulate and intelligent.

I hadn't expected it from my boss though, as she has two other autistics from the program working for her. I thought maybe she would understand more.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I hadn't expected it from my boss though, as she has two other autistics from the program working for her. I thought maybe she would understand more.

I'm sorry you had this experience with your boss, perhaps she doesn't understand that every Autistic person is an individual and not all are the same or function the same.

 

[Nitro]

I think a lot of us fly under the radar. My talents were recognized then exploited as I was just considered that quirky but most often go to guy that was in the system.It never held me back at any stage of the game,and in fact propelled me to the front of the line most of the time.


It has been a long standing opinion of mine that there are far more auties in this world than the pros will ever know about because they don't stand out or don't require pro help.

 

[Keigan]

Some aspies make fantastic employees when there are rules and domain boundaries. Frequently, once we know the rules we follow them.

Though for some, they do think that their own version of the rules are preferred, that does not always work out very well.

I'm self-diagnosed at 53, a few of my friends did not accept my self-diagnosis because "how could my friend have something wrong" - though for me it is very real.

 

[Nitro]

You know you have made it when you get to make the rules that others have to follow

 

[Momo]

Same thing happens to me, the only people who think I'm an aspie are those who dare bring up one of my interests, or are very close to me (not many people). Let the rant of Asian politics begin!! It is their fault if they ask though, I do warn people I won't shut up.

 

[isthisreallife]

I'd ask them how an Autistic person should appear and act, in their opinion. I told a few people who are close to me that I was being assessed, none of them believed that I could possibly have it. I was diagnosed with ASD, and I think some are still grappling with it, not that it's my problem in any case.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I always move and talk in slow motion in front of my boss haha

 

[Katleya]

That topic hits home.

I got the "You don't look autistic" from my boss last year. He's somehow lucky that he followed up with something even worse* that just caused me to go blank, because I remember vividly that I was about to retort that yeah, and he didn't look stupid, yet here we are (I can be a little rude when caught off-guard. OK, not true: I can be very nice when adequately prepared and focused, but my default setting is "blunt and snarky").

I got another "You don't look autistic" last week from a doctor whom I was seeing to discuss disability status for another condition, to which I replied the stupidest thing ever: "I know, but the wall is too far behing for me to bang my head repeatedly against it, so I understand that you were fooled", and the only way I can explain why I would say such a thing is because she had hurt me badly during the physical exam, seemed fairly incompetent and definitely adverse. Yes, she was taken aback. But she actually opened up after that, so maybe I should try to be rude to people more often

Usually, I just follow up that crappy comment with a simple yet firm "And what exactly is 'autistic' supposed to look like?", because at some point, people have to acknowledge their prejudice, and recognize that they know very little about autism. I found this to be the best way to start that conversation, but it does make them uneasy. Sadly, I'm only able to do that when I'm not in an overly stressful situation, otherwise I just blurt out random things or shut up, flabbergasted.

I'm not sure I'm past the point of being offended by that remark. I know it comes from a place of ignorance rather than meanness, but I'm still annoyed that the people who utter that phrase mistake their ignorance, or incomplete knowledge, of autism, for actual knowledge of it. And I'm especially annoyed when they think they know better than me.


* That fjhggrtgt of a boss followed up with "Well, as long as you don't bring a rifle to work and shoot us all dead, it's OK, though".

 

[Streetwise]

probably because ASPIES mimic so well and its instinctive to hide an aspect of yourself if you could get hurt

 

[Jet Weiss]

my default setting is "blunt and snarky"

As is mine
I have a big heart and I am actually a nice guy, though I am the stereotypical snarky, attitude-y gay man IRL

Btw, I can't believe your boss said that, that is so awful! It saddens me that people still view people who are on the spectrum in such a way. As you said, it comes from a place of ignorance. It is very sad though.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

"You don't look Autistic."

To which I'd respond "That's Downs Syndrome where your face looks different you idiot!! Autism is neurological only".

People sometimes tell me that I don't seem autistic or I don't act any different than others.

Well, if you're really not then you can leave 'aspie' central then, can't you

 

[OlLiE]

I know the feeling, i've been professionally diagnosed through three days of testing at a psychiatric hospital and my earliest memories are experiences of not fitting in and not understanding social interaction. I've had plenty of people who profess to knowing me and being my friend telling me that it can't be true, that i'm trying to convince myself that i'm on the spectrum to explain some things i don't understand, that i'm playing a role...

I'm very convincing though; I can be very charming at social events, i am a persuasive speaker, i know how to tailor my facial expressions and manage my body language, i know how to project interest, reliability, calmness, trustworthiness and authority, i have no trouble with public speaking...

It is then very hard to tell people who may think that they are close to you that they actually aren't, that you fake most social interaction based off of a social rulebook, that quite often you consider them a social obligation and quite frankly don't care about them or any aspect of their lives, dealing with their emotional musings and rationalisations is boring and annoying at best, that you are exhausted by social interaction and need to go into isolation afterwards, and that you would be perfectly happy never seeing any of them again.

 

[Adora]

I haven't told many people because i feel like its only on a need to know basis but to many people I'm just shy with bad eye contact,even the psychologist who told me I'm on the Spectrum said I will have issues with people understanding because while I may appear normal they don't know what goes on inside of me.

 

[WereBear]

Plus they have utterly no way to differentiate between when we mimic NT traits and behaviors versus actually living them. (Sometimes I think I should win an Oscar.)

I had no idea I was faking it until my brain almost broke from the strain.

It has been a long standing opinion of mine that there are far more auties in this world than the pros will ever know about because they don't stand out or don't require pro help.

I agree. Being born before autism was known about is going to do that, and the better you can manage, somehow; the less likely the thought will occur to anyone.

I'm still annoyed that the people who utter that phrase mistake their ignorance, or incomplete knowledge, of autism, for actual knowledge of it.

I love this so much I'd embroider it on a pillow. If I embroidered, and if it wasn't so long

But that's what my response would be: "So you don't know very much about it?"

This is only theoretical at this point, because I don't tell very many people... As long as I am dependent on others for employment, I don't feel I can go public.

 

[Bolletje]

Two of my coworkers like to joke about their (and mine) autistic traits, I joke along with it because I honestly think it's great to talk about real life issues for me in a joking way. I'm still not sure whether they're 100% joking or just indirectly asking me whether I am on the spectrum. Funny thing is, I'm fairly sure they are Aspies too.