I should probably start by saying that i am not officialy diagnosed. I supose it's just... not a thing in my country, and especially city. Also i don't have many symptoms of the disorder, but i have this:
So idk if it's the thing that turned my life into torture, or there is something else. But anyway...
I feel like i have no place in this world. Very few stuff i can do, no people i can iteract with in a way that would be meaningful to me.
Since certain age i stopped going out for various reasons - physical disability causes pain after any physical activity, also i hate cities and already explored mine when i was a child. So i don't meet people irl.
My only major interest is fiction, especially - stories in video games. I am both consuming and writing them. Also i love inventing gameplay mechanics (mostly to compliment those stories and make them more immersive). Few other things that might be nice are unavailable, everything else is very boring or impossible for me to understand. When it comes to creating stories (or analyzing stories made by others in search for flaws and ways to improve them) everyting comes naturally to me, i understand every aspect of them and what should i do to make them perfect.
However, in everything else i am beyond retarded. Many complicated things i just can't grasp, so i always need simplified explanations. I can't pass the iq test because i can't figure out a single question. I also can't solve many puzzles in games and need walktroughs. I can't understand many things that seem obvious for other people, and will have hard time figuring out what should i do without step-by-step manuals. And as if that was not enough my mind tends to randomly forget things, almost always - those that i do not find interesting, and it makes me unable to learn almost anything since i will just forget it a bit later.
Ironically, i feel like the world around me is a madhouse. People disregard logic and reason, and use various traditions, norms, religions, and other made-up rules to justify their behavior and choices. Quite often they do things just because other told them to, without trying to ask why they should. And if i ask - other people only gettin angry instead of explaining, same if i tell them that i disagree with they way things should be done. So i can't decide if it's the society that is stupid, or me, or both.
But that would not matter to me, if i could just quietly enjoy doing my job by creating new worlds till the day i die. Sadly, majority of the developer are not interested in their stories being top-quality, and their gameplay mechanics being innovative, and the others will never read pitch from an outsider since they always have some friends or friends of friends to do that for them. And since i do not have a gift of charisma to persuade others to look at my concepts, after 17+ years of attempts and thousands of letters sent with zero sucsess i have to give up on idea of having job i would enjoy.
I still write the stories, because there is nothing else for me to do in life, but they have no purpose. Publishing them would be a waste since only a few people would ever be interested in reading scripts, and it would also instantly destroy their value. Since i was a kid i always dreamed about meeting someone who would share my passion, but... it just does not work out for some reason. When i go into various gaming communities, i find out that not much people are into games i like, and those who are... well, we could not form any lasting discussion about it. I tried various writing communities, even ones dedicated directly to game writing, but nobody ever responded to my suggestion to talk about stories and maybe write some together. And i also found nobody else looking for same things there, most people were just promouting something they did or searching for jobs. I also tried general communication places, like dating sites, forums of general thematics, etc. Only 2 or 3 times someone ever replied to my posts\profiles or messages. It did not work out since i have no idea what to say to the people who are not into same stuff i am. I often have a roommates living in same appartment, but in years we never having any conversations because thing that other people enjoy so much, random banters about random things - i am not interested in that and can't initiate it, and other people don't seem interesting in being the initiators as well (or they losing inerest fast).
I envy people for lots of things - ability to visit or live in beautiful places, ability to touch attractive people, ability to create beautiful things, ability to understand complicated things, ability to eat tasty food, ability to have more pets, but most of all - ability to speak about things most important for you with someone who adores the same thing you do. Why aren't people interested in that? I am not even looking for super-nerdy convos full of professional terms (since i don't even know those terms), just something casual (like this https://www.reddit.com/r/RDR2/comments/k0qebg/just_finished_the_game_some_thoughts_about_it_and/), but i rarely have people answering me anything in such posts. Writing stories or designing gameplay together? That now seems impossible to me. The world is so big and full of things but... at the same time so empty for me. Sometimes i see things that i wanted to expirience in my dreams and so disappointed to wake up. Maybe i would already chose to stop living, but i need to take care for my cats. But with every year it gets harder since the world constantly reminds me about all the things i will never have just because i was born somehow inadeqwate. So many people have someone close, can it be that people like me just do not exist at all? I already lived trough majority of my life, what are the chances that something will ever change? After so many years of asking for help and doing things suggested by people but not having any sucsess i am just so tired of everything. Maybe here someone has the same obsession with game stories as i do? Or anyone who would tell me what to do... i will soon become 33 but i don't feel like i ever changed at all, and feel completly lost in this world, unable to become a proper adult.
So idk if it's the thing that turned my life into torture, or there is something else. But anyway...
I feel like i have no place in this world. Very few stuff i can do, no people i can iteract with in a way that would be meaningful to me.
Since certain age i stopped going out for various reasons - physical disability causes pain after any physical activity, also i hate cities and already explored mine when i was a child. So i don't meet people irl.
My only major interest is fiction, especially - stories in video games. I am both consuming and writing them. Also i love inventing gameplay mechanics (mostly to compliment those stories and make them more immersive). Few other things that might be nice are unavailable, everything else is very boring or impossible for me to understand. When it comes to creating stories (or analyzing stories made by others in search for flaws and ways to improve them) everyting comes naturally to me, i understand every aspect of them and what should i do to make them perfect.
However, in everything else i am beyond retarded. Many complicated things i just can't grasp, so i always need simplified explanations. I can't pass the iq test because i can't figure out a single question. I also can't solve many puzzles in games and need walktroughs. I can't understand many things that seem obvious for other people, and will have hard time figuring out what should i do without step-by-step manuals. And as if that was not enough my mind tends to randomly forget things, almost always - those that i do not find interesting, and it makes me unable to learn almost anything since i will just forget it a bit later.
Ironically, i feel like the world around me is a madhouse. People disregard logic and reason, and use various traditions, norms, religions, and other made-up rules to justify their behavior and choices. Quite often they do things just because other told them to, without trying to ask why they should. And if i ask - other people only gettin angry instead of explaining, same if i tell them that i disagree with they way things should be done. So i can't decide if it's the society that is stupid, or me, or both.
But that would not matter to me, if i could just quietly enjoy doing my job by creating new worlds till the day i die. Sadly, majority of the developer are not interested in their stories being top-quality, and their gameplay mechanics being innovative, and the others will never read pitch from an outsider since they always have some friends or friends of friends to do that for them. And since i do not have a gift of charisma to persuade others to look at my concepts, after 17+ years of attempts and thousands of letters sent with zero sucsess i have to give up on idea of having job i would enjoy.
I still write the stories, because there is nothing else for me to do in life, but they have no purpose. Publishing them would be a waste since only a few people would ever be interested in reading scripts, and it would also instantly destroy their value. Since i was a kid i always dreamed about meeting someone who would share my passion, but... it just does not work out for some reason. When i go into various gaming communities, i find out that not much people are into games i like, and those who are... well, we could not form any lasting discussion about it. I tried various writing communities, even ones dedicated directly to game writing, but nobody ever responded to my suggestion to talk about stories and maybe write some together. And i also found nobody else looking for same things there, most people were just promouting something they did or searching for jobs. I also tried general communication places, like dating sites, forums of general thematics, etc. Only 2 or 3 times someone ever replied to my posts\profiles or messages. It did not work out since i have no idea what to say to the people who are not into same stuff i am. I often have a roommates living in same appartment, but in years we never having any conversations because thing that other people enjoy so much, random banters about random things - i am not interested in that and can't initiate it, and other people don't seem interesting in being the initiators as well (or they losing inerest fast).
I envy people for lots of things - ability to visit or live in beautiful places, ability to touch attractive people, ability to create beautiful things, ability to understand complicated things, ability to eat tasty food, ability to have more pets, but most of all - ability to speak about things most important for you with someone who adores the same thing you do. Why aren't people interested in that? I am not even looking for super-nerdy convos full of professional terms (since i don't even know those terms), just something casual (like this https://www.reddit.com/r/RDR2/comments/k0qebg/just_finished_the_game_some_thoughts_about_it_and/), but i rarely have people answering me anything in such posts. Writing stories or designing gameplay together? That now seems impossible to me. The world is so big and full of things but... at the same time so empty for me. Sometimes i see things that i wanted to expirience in my dreams and so disappointed to wake up. Maybe i would already chose to stop living, but i need to take care for my cats. But with every year it gets harder since the world constantly reminds me about all the things i will never have just because i was born somehow inadeqwate. So many people have someone close, can it be that people like me just do not exist at all? I already lived trough majority of my life, what are the chances that something will ever change? After so many years of asking for help and doing things suggested by people but not having any sucsess i am just so tired of everything. Maybe here someone has the same obsession with game stories as i do? Or anyone who would tell me what to do... i will soon become 33 but i don't feel like i ever changed at all, and feel completly lost in this world, unable to become a proper adult.
