Does This make Any Sense?

[total-recoil]

I hope I've joined a friendly and helpful website where I can maybe sort a few issues out (and hopefully provide some assistance to other members). I really hope someone can help me clear a few things up as I'm having a confused time over diagnosis.
Basically I feel pretty sure I have aspergers and it's taken many many years to find that out (in one sudden discovery). Since my earliest childhood years I always felt very aware of being different. Teachers considered me to be "slow". Other kids didn't quite accept me and I was teased a bit for being slow and so on.
After leaving school, there came an awakening. I began to flourish academically. Got interested in linguistics and learned Russian as well as European languages. Everybody was stunned. Former teachers scratched their heads and I went to Uni, here and in Russia.
During all of this I remained obsessive over my fields of interest. I made friends but at times would feel isolated, depressed, rejected, somehow not good enough. These feelings would come in waves and I found it helped to just throw myself into my interests and shrug it off.
Since uni, I've had problems related to employment. Often it boils down to non acceptance. In social circles, yes, I do have some good friends but there are still instances where I'm perceived as weird. This I now know is down to my poor performance at reading people, not making direct contact (appropriate body language)and dominating conversations by my going on and on about my particular interest.
Thus, I checked out all the symptoms. Sensitivity to noise I have. Rocking? That didn't seem to fit but I'm told I do pace about in circles when talking to people and amazingly once turned my back on someone as I was talking to them. Strange huh? Rituals? Not that I'm aware of as an adult but as a kid I did have chronic ritualistic symptoms. Like doing the same thing over and over again.
I've been more depressed lately as I have a friendship with a non aspie girl and am fond of her. She keeps trying to draw close to me but will blow hot and cold. if I don't see her, she texts me a lot and tells me she wants to see me. Then it feels like she goes back to ignoring me. I also tend to back off a lot as I kind of fear it will end in rejection.
Don't know whether to tell her I think I may have aspergers.
And by the way..... Be sure I do intend to to laugh at myself a bit more and be positive. I think it will all be O.K. but am just searching for answers.

 

[Bay]

Yes, this all makes sense and seems consistent with Asperger Syndrome, but I am no substitute for an informed, official diagnosis. It is good that you know how to laugh at yourself, as it is a sanity-saver. It is not the easiest skill to learn and I wish more people would make the effort.

This is a great site to discuss and learn about a variety of Asperger's-related issues, including those mentioned in your post, above. Education, employment, relationships, sensory issues, mental health, obsessions, etc., are all discussed on a regular basis. When I realized that I likely had AS and waited for my diagnosis, I learned a great deal here at Aspies Central. I also found a warm, welcoming and safe environment in which I could sort out my issues and come to terms with the fact that I am autistic.

Whether you seek an official diagnosis or not, you may see some of yourself reflected in the posts here. Are you thinking of being diagnosed? If so, there are folks here on the site that live in the UK who can tell you a bit about the process. Anyway, welcome!

 

[total-recoil]

Thanks for the welcome. Yes, a sense of humour is now a must. The way I see it now is I'm kind of cursed and blessed if that makes sense to you. Cursed because I lived a kind of nightmare through being misunderstood. Blessed because I am now aware my condition enables me to think independently and in an unorthodox fashion (hence less influenced by accepted norms). So, I am now more involved in electronics as well as science relating to GRP plastics (but independent).
Trouble is like everybody else I'm human and need to give and receive empathy and understanding. No desire to be a robot or retreat inwards which is why I'm now attempting to regain balance.
I did consider the notion that maybe I was simply one of those late developers who becomes misunderstood but my childhood does most definitely point to autism. It's the first time I've truly understood that fact. It's fair to say that both kids and teachers considered I was "slow" and not normal. As the pieces all fall together, I recall the school reports where teachers would write, "Lives in a dreamworld" and "slow". Was sent to see a doctor and given blood tests to try and fathom out why I was slow in motor movements.
As an adult this has abated somewhat. I got into bodybuilding and weights and believe that made a difference so my motor skills a lot better.
Diagnosis? I think about it. However, so far as I can gather aspergers is really a term. It happens to summarise a basic set of characteristics that thousands of people relate to. I guess I dislike narrow definitions because we are all unique. Plus whatever it is I have I do not see as an illness, just a deviance from the norm (which really ain't so bad).
If I don't have aspergers I'm quite cool with that. It doesn't change the fact I do have something as I knew about it since the age of maybe 4 years. It would be nice if over time you guys can all help me figure it out and I am certainly able and willing to help others stay positive and move forwards.
By the way, currently I am building a boat and this is going really well. I spend most of my time on this project to build my dream home.

Yes, this all makes sense and seems consistent with Asperger Syndrome, but I am no substitute for an informed, official diagnosis. It is good that you know how to laugh at yourself, as it is a sanity-saver. It is not the easiest skill to learn and I wish more people would make the effort.

This is a great site to discuss and learn about a variety of Asperger's-related issues, including those mentioned in your post, above. Education, employment, relationships, sensory issues, mental health, obsessions, etc., are all discussed on a regular basis. When I realized that I likely had AS and waited for my diagnosis, I learned a great deal here at Aspies Central. I also found a warm, welcoming and safe environment in which I could sort out my issues and come to terms with the fact that I am autistic.

Whether you seek an official diagnosis or not, you may see some of yourself reflected in the posts here. Are you thinking of being diagnosed? If so, there are folks here on the site that live in the UK who can tell you a bit about the process. Anyway, welcome!

 

[Arashi222]

I agree with Bay...first of all humor is a great thing. Second it sounds a lot like AS but its totally up to you to get an official diagnosis or not. Its interesting because as Adults we see things from our pasts that make us understand that maybe it will be better to have a diagnosis because you let off some of the pressure of not knowing and realize just how much you have been coping. Plus we're a great place to let off some steam because we get it.

 

[2wheels4ever]

Although nobody has ever called me 'slow' it sometimes still takes me several attempts to retain what I learn, when I was growing up Autism couldn't fully explain why I would ace spelling contests but not know how to tie my shoes and neither could 'hyperkinesis' (ADHD) and knowing such a thing as AS existed back then probably would have gone a long way

 

[total-recoil]

There is part of me that wants to be diagnosed as aspergers because then it gives me a place of belonging. There is also a logical and open part of my mind that accepts it may not be aspergers. However, if it isn't aspergers, it's definitely something that has always made me very different. I do think it is aspergers, in fact, and I continue now to research it because I want to get to the bottom of the whole situation. However, I remian open minded.
Where I'm a bit stuck is that I notice there's a distinction between my childhood situation and how I am now as an adult. As an adult, there are one or two criteria that don't seem to fit such as sensitivity to texture and the fact I'm now more athletic (not awkward). Nevertheless, as a child, I fit all of the criteria. I know this because I can now recall specifically how I was sent to doctors to try and find out why I was so slow. Speech different and physical movements very slow. Some of the kids teased me as being backward. Due tothe fact I learn and think visually, of course, school didn't work for me and I flunked every exam or test. Sports also very difficult. I couldn't catch balls or play cricket or football.
Now today people don't understand how this can be because at some point I got into weights and sports and I feel this has had a major impact as weights improves balance and does all sorts of positive things. I'm quite clued up on resistance training and follow the research of a guy called Arthur Jones (sorry if I'm going off track). So, I guess I do appear these days more athletic and my academic ability is also taken care of because I now know how to take in information my own way..
The problem is the inability to act within social norms remains. Even worse is the nagging feeling of being different. I feel inferior to other people and superior at the same time. I can perceive things that are obvious that most people can't yet I don't understand the rules of social interaction which is normal for them.
The other day, a thought came into mind as I was doing weights in the gym. It was the story of the Ugly Duckling. I decided to Google the words "Hans Christian Anderson and aspergers". Well, there is was! He had aspergers (so it is believed).
The ugly duckling goes through life trying to find acceptance. We're not talking physical ugliness here. The duckling just wasn't accepted by other ducks because he was different in some way so always told to "Get out of town!" Then one day the ugly duckling meets a group of swans and they say, "Hey, why are you trying to be a duck when you're a swan? Really you're O.K. it's just you keep trying to be what you aren't!"
Anderson is saying simply that you shouldn't feel you're inferior when you get rejected but instead find out who you really are.
So, one night when I'd been left out and tactfully not invited to a small party by the group, I was feeling more and more as if falling down a black hole. I typed my feeling into google and found articles on aspergers syndrome. I'd heard of it but never really imagined it would have perhaps applied to me. I read the very basic questions to which you should answer yes or no and it just felt like someone turned on the lights.
Yes, of course, I will find out by seeing a psychologist although will be careful who it is. maybe it is something else but time will tell.
For the time being it's a very difficult time for me. I told one friend how I was feeling and she's cold shouldered me completely and has a total misunderstanding of the issue. I've been advised to think before I do tell friends and family. Yet they do know something is wrong as I've been more and more by myself with my GSD dog (my best friend) and they find my behaviour more and more odd.
Sorry if I seem to be going on and on.

 

[total-recoil]

I find I still learn slower than other people but more deeply. I tend to read and re-read over and over again till it goes in.
I also came to question the notion you can only be good at one thing so I often try to learn material I was always told I don't have aptitude for. Maths has always been a nightmare but now I'm giving it a go. It's hard but if I persist I tend to slowly learn.
Othet things come far faster than maths. Psychology I find comes easy.

 

[arthurfakaya]

Hi, I'd also like to welcome you to the forum. For the last three years, I too have been wondering if I have this condition, so I can relate to many of the questions you've been considering. For what it's worth, your preponderance of traits/symptoms appears to suggest Aspergers, because your experience sounds so similar to mine, but hey, I'm no psych.

I hope this forum helps to provide the support you require. It's a pretty relaxed and accepting place.

 

[Kelly]

Alot of us have been where you are now, wondering if it is or not, should I get diagnosed or shouldn't I. Only you can choose whether you should or not but if you do good luck and make sure you get seen by a trained psychologist or autism specialist. I read in an asperger's book once that 99% of people who suspect they have it do in fact have it. Plus there is that saying "When you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism" (just swap autism with asperger's), everyone on the spectrum is different, alot of us present specific traits but they manifest in so many different ways. For example I've read that being clumsy can be a trait but I'm not at all clumsy and I don't believe I was as a child, I've always been very cautious and considered what I'm about to do before doing it. Wheras my daughter who I believe is on the spectrum too is quite clumsy, she's always bumping into things, knocking things over, breaking things, misjudging things etc.

Welcome to AC by the way

 

[total-recoil]

Thanks. It has been a very strange experience lately. Even fascinating. It was like suddenly seeing your whole life again but in context. Lots and lots of experiences being remembered from the past but now seen in context of a condition called aspergers that nobody knew I had.
A few days ago I had had a beer and was chatting to a friend. I suddenly noticed I stim. My arm was like flapping. I must have done it many times but never been aware.
I don't see myself as particularly clumsy now as I do sports. However, at school I recall how I'd kind of duck and blink if a ball was thrown towards me. Every time it would just hit my head and I'd miss catching it. I fumbled and stumbled. It also took time to learn to tie my shoe laces.
I now feel a mixture of things but I think the most positive is that now I will never beat up on myself again or allow others to pull me down unfairly. Not that this is a crutch I intend to exploit to get special treatment but I just think A.S. is a genuine condition and we cannot help the symptoms of it. In the past I'd go hard on myself for not "measuring up to standard" but that has now changed. I think it's time to accept myself for who I am and then go at my own pace as I attempt to cope better with the everyday environment.
The minefield now is employment. I lost my job some months ago and then became aware how difficult it is to find alternative employment while blending in. There are plenty of jobs I could do but some where I would struggle.
Anyway, thanks for the welcome.