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Featured Does not being able to peruse special interest cause suicidal idealization?

Discussion in 'Obsessions and Interests' started by SchrodingersMeerkat, Dec 15, 2020.

  1. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    I recently posted about this in another thread but I think my original question got lost in translation and I feel at least one person maybe tried to pick a fight with me about it. When special interests are your only reason for living

    Everyone on another autism forum sure wanted to...but that place is a cesspool anyway. But anyway, if you somehow knew you could never access or peruse your special interests, would you continue to see a point in living? Special interests are my main autistic trait and if I couldn't peruse them or have access to them I would probably kill myself.

    When my parents made me earn my computer time. Half an hour of computer time for every hour of school without a meltdown, I got very depressed. I was making my own video games and computer programs but never had the time I needed to complete anything properly. I was homeschooled but had a math disability and my mother's solution for it was to make me do extra math. Plus I was just overworked in general. But if I had a meltdown from exhaustion I had no way to decompress.

    I'm an adult now and the only thing taking away my computer time is a power outage or something like that. But I no longer have to earn it by the half hour. I lost interest in making games after my parents started restricting my computer time, after I realized I didn't need to make virtual experiences of the things I wanted to do. I could actually do them. But if I am concerned that if I never could do those things (see my other post) that I actually would commit suicide.

    I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way.
     
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  2. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    That's happened to me a number of times. Things I'd focused my entire being on became impossible. I called it, "Kicking the bucket list."

    I did not consider suicide because I'd never be a scientist, become politically influential, or because magazine photography was out of my reach, or ect. Instead, I scaled them back to the level of a hobby. As an amateur, I pursued them because I loved them and not because I'd ever get anywhere with them. And over time, another big interest would crop up to chase after.

    I thought about it for other reasons, social isolation, not fitting in, alienation, a lost love, but not for a failed special interest.
     
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  3. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    If I could never be a veterinarian, I probably WOULD kill myself. It's my main...and probably only goal for life in general.
     
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  4. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    Right now I have three. Music, writing, and my faith. I can lose the other two. But, my faith is not one of them. Suggest breaks from hobbies. Long ones. Take time away with other interests. Maybe you can reignite the spark.
     
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  5. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't feel that way, not that far along the road anyway...

    I have a very dominant special interest of my photography, but if it was taken away (touch wood), I don't think I would go as far as suicide, I almost hesitate to say the word itself

    There are plenty of examples of people forced from something they love - for all sorts of reasons - who simply find a new way to "do life" in a new way
     
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  6. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    I understand. Special interests may be forced out of your life. It is something with which we as autistics MUST attend because aging can pose serious problems.

    If you have a special interest that may be forced away from you and you cannot arrange something within your own mind and being, see if you can get help. DBT can help with distress tolerance and CBT may help with forming new intense focuses.

    Sometimes there is no easy path with autism. Yet most of us do not kill ourselves. So if it CAN be done, you can do it, too.

    I know we often say on here to get help, but it really can help. Don't end your life just because you can't be a vet. The animals still need you. They need love and food and water. You can do so much for them here, but nothing when you are dead. Live on and feed them for years. They need you.
     
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  7. SDRSpark

    SDRSpark Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes and no. I have a LOT of special interests, so if I can't do one, there's a chance to pick up another. So "can't do my special interest" in and of itself, would not likely trigger suicidal ideation.

    HOWEVER, there have been times when my special interests have been the only thing I lived for. These were times when I was depressed already due to other circumstances, and when I thought about giving up, my special interest is the reason why I didn't. (What's wacky about this is that my special interests tend to be things that people would consider "too dangerous" for someone with suicidal ideation, so the first course of action would likely be to remove my reason for not going through with it which is obviously counter-productive in the extreme.)

    Personally, if I'm only staying alive because of a special interest, that's not a good or healthy place to be. That said, any reason for living is a good reason for living, so I'm happy to have SOME reason for living until I get to a point where I am no longer suicidal.

    I have the ill luck of having interpersonal relationships that are tied up with my special interest be the main cause of trauma and depression at this point in my life, so there's that. :confused: I feel like I can't win sometimes. :tearsofjoy:
     
  8. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    I never wanted to be a domestic animal vet. I wanted to be a zoo or wildlife sanctuary one. Someone will always be around to love, feed and water those.
     
  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You can't base your life on one thing. You can not predict what our future might hold. I'm sure their are many examples where someone was not able to pursue what they wanted most out of life but ended up doing something that the world needed and being completely happy with it. If you won an expensive prize, are you going to send it back because it's not the first prize you were hoping for?
     
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  10. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    Yes, I probably would send the prize back if it wasn't the one I was hoping for. I get very set on specific things and am not satisfied until I get said specific thing. I've always been like that. No one could break me of it. My parents would take me to therapists as a child, but most of them gave up trying to work with me because they couldn't make any progress with me. I don't apricate it when people try to change me to fit their idea of who or what I should be. I've wanted to be a vet since I was three and pretty much had the idea of what one was. Why would I suddenly change my mind at 34?
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2020
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  11. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

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    If I couldn't partake in some of my special interests, or any of the careers I'd like to have based on them, I would probably consider killing myself, as they're the only things I can actually manage to focus on most of the time and that give me pleasure. The ones that would make me consider that I've had for most of my life.

    I get that I could develop interests that could replace them, but that's not likely. Most of the special interests I manage to develop now aren't the same intensity and I don't exactly feel the same way for. There's a reason I've had specific special interests for a long time.

    I would definitely feel very empty if I didn't have certain special interests anymore or was not able to partake in them, and I'm quite sure of that.
     
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  12. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Hope is faith rewarded in advance

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    Sometimes its about perspective. I grew up thinkin that a 'real artist' was someone who sold thier own artwork. I learned differently after i turned 40! Now i know that i can be a real artist and never sell anything, it will still be good enough. I draw and paint and take pictures and write and sometimes mush it all up together
    It satisfies me just having done it. You dont need to get a degree to be a volunteer. Im not saying you cant do it if you really want to, im saying if what you want is to be around the animals, that doesnt take credentials.
    There are two outfits near me that both allow volunteers, one is a wild animal rehab shelter and the other is a ranch that puts disabled people on horseback.
    I dont know you and if i am going to far i apologize, its just a suggestion. That maybe what might satisfy you is just being around animals that need your basic care and support, not as a job.
     
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  13. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    Without a degree you cannot diagnose, do surgery, etc. And I don't know if I've said this before I want to work with wild animals not domesticated ones. You need a degree for that too...and it most places it seems like the only person allowed to have physical contact with them is the zoo's veternarian. Seriously stop trying to push other things on me. I want to be a veterinarian that is final.
     
  14. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    From my own perspective over time, I've come to the conclusion that life is just too damned dynamic to express one's self in terms of life and death when it comes to one or more special interests.

    That apart from negative conditions beyond your control, you are likely to develop other interests that may ebb, flow or dominate your life. Interests in the future that you never imagined in the present.

    And for those who may put such impediments in your life's direction, there's the obvious. That for better or worse, they won't always be there to do as such. That at some point you may be completely on your own.

    I never got to do professionally what I trained for at one point in my life. And yet years later I was able to surmise that it wouldn't have been a good choice for me anyways. Life is not a linear process other than being born and eventually dying. And that all that comes in between the two can be quite a convoluted journey, seldom happening in a straight line. That it's more like traveling over a rough road strewn with potholes.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2020
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  15. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Hope is faith rewarded in advance

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    I apologize, i didnt mean to put anything on you, i was projecting. I gave up on my dreams a long time ago, and settled for a compromise of almost everything. I promise to be more respectful
     
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  16. GreenfieldFox

    GreenfieldFox New Member

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    Same here with me. I had become depressed over things before but I realize that shouldn't depress me.

    I have lost many loved animals growing up and my reaction to deaths always is an extreme reaction because of that fact.

    I have been learning maybe (not a definitive yes yet) that either entertaining or taking care of children might be my passion.

    In general I am deeply, deep in love with cute, adorable and young characters in fictional works; think of the young characters from movies like Zootopia and from anime. Adult features don't hold the same interests so that mixed with my autism case sometimes makes interaction difficult to be honest.

    My US state's law prohibits aspects of my special interest and I have no idea if I'll get diagnosed with a paraphilic disorder or not due to how law's are structured.

    I been filled with unnecessary guilt due to how my mother greatly exaggerated the fantasies I was having, I wasn't doing anything wrong, just doing what every teenager normally does, figure out themselves, about my interests and such.

    That irrational guilt lasted on a while and became deeply ingrained in my subconscious mind. I have not committed a crime. I hate the idea of hurting others.
     
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