does being on the spectrum mean being forever alone?

[epath13]

I've been wondering about that lately. I always thought that unity is an illusion and in reality all the people on Earth are alone. I wouldn't say lonely, because to me loneliness is a negative feeling that is caused by lack of connectivity with others. When I was younger I tried to be an outgoing optimistic person who cares a lot about others' lives and tries to show it constantly. It was an interesting experience but as I've mentioned somewhere before It hasn't felt real. It seems that when other people connect with each other, even if it's just common interest they invest significant amount of emotional energy into those relationships. I noticed that for me data, clear information and emotions are not always attached to each other. It's almost like there's this big emotional cloud, pieces of which on occasion connect to information, or characteristics of other people but then they get disconnected again. The only strong connection that I have is my kids, and I think it's probably partially an instinct, quite possibly that emotions get attached to that rather than to idea of having kids. Can we truly relate to other people on all levels or it's just an illusion? I think that disconnect between thoughts and emotions is one of the main obstacles that prevent people on the spectrum from doing lots of things successfully.
And one more thing... can you really expect other people to understand and can we understand them? Is it really possible? Or it's always going to be the same: they treat us as disabled babies or expect us to be like they are, sort of if you're high functioning you shouldn't have any problems and if you do, you should go back to you disabled world. But it only comes from frustration and misunderstanding...on both sides... so is there any other way for people with different perceptions like ours to co exist and balance each other?

 

[Spinning Compass]

To be honest, yes, I do think it does for many people. I have heard (mainly through books) of people on the spectrum making "successful" marriages and relationships, but personally I have not experienced it and I have given up hope of experiencing it.

 

[Droopy]

I always thought that unity is an illusion and in reality all the people on Earth are alone.

That's an interesting thought actually. Perhaps we are only "united" when socializing. I suppose, I've never thought about it before.

Regarding the thread title, I don't think that being on the spectrum means that you are forever alone. When I was younger I used to have poor communication and social skills with very few friends. There were even periods of time when I stayed indoors and cut off almost all contact with people. However, in the past few years my social life seems to have turned around for the better and my social and communication skills have greatly improved. They're still far from perfect and I am by no means a social genius but things have got better for me. So, it really depends on the individual person and their circumstances.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I don't think so. Or at least, I really hope not. But seriously...

I think it's a common, chronic feeling to always feel alone in a basic sense. I always felt like I was in some sort of glass cube, where people could only half understand me and vise versa. There's always something vaguely off about me in society, and I can never quite pinpoint it beyond some invisible psychological barrier that prevents things both ways.

With that said, knowing my diagnosis and knowing people who feel the same really helps this feeling quite a bit. It's just a shame it's so hard to find people like you, particularly when the people like you are weary to meet new people and often have different situations to deal with. I think it's fully possible to have good friendships, so long as there's some basic understanding of who you are.

I guess it's what you make of it, along with the luck of the draw. I keep optimistic though.

 

[King_Oni]

It's only a problem if you acknowledge it as a problem. I'm not really actively looking for "someone"...

there's some people I know who I think are fine, even to know a bit more than just "oh hi", online and offline. But I don't know if really want to invite those people over to my world... most of them actually went screaming and running... some ended up at a therapist. And that had nothing to do with me treating them bad... more of an "3rd encouter of the weird kind" kinda deal. I've warned people beforehand that I'm kinda serious stuff not to taken lightly.

So even if people were willing to get to know me, I'd have serious talks with them and not just the "oh hey, let's go to a movie" and in the end we kiss and make out and all... also, with having serious talks with people you can kinda make out if those people are even up for something more worthwile and serious.

And all those selections are quite a pain to find and meet people though... let alone have a relationship. Though I don't really think that I'll never meet any other with mutual interest... perhaps I know those people already but they just don't know where to start... just like me

 

[kasmanaft08]

I think the concept of me being alone, in an overall sense- with no one that gets you or connects with you- is the thing that actually bothers me, not so much whether I'm single. Ideally, I wouldn't be alone in a relationship sense in the long run....but I would rather be alone than with someone who I don't feel comfortable with.

 

[King_Oni]

I think the concept of me being alone, in an overall sense- with no one that gets you or connects with you- is the thing that actually bothers me, not so much whether I'm single.

Sounds familiar... I don't even think the entire concept of a relationship does apply that much. Even if it's just a good friend who understands. But lately I'm either becoming more alienated myself or other people are alienating... the the connection already was really, really weak.

Relationships and all are good start if you like to have some physical affection though. Which doesn't directly imply "I'd only want to have a relationship for carnal purposes" in my opinion. But I kinda the physical interaction with someone close to me... it's the weirdest stuff like drinking a pepsi out of a can and your significant other just asks "can I have some" and doesn't put on a weird face and just sips from the same can... small things like that. I feel it kinda symbolises smoking the same peace pipe actually...

Ideally, I wouldn't be alone in a relationship sense in the long run....but I would rather be alone than with someone who I don't feel comfortable with.

I agree, but apparently we are the minority (though not directly on this board)... a lot of people just stick with others for the sake of not being alone... even if that means being a bit uncomfy sometimes... makes me wonder if that's the same case where guys hit their girls and they stick together.

 

[Droopy]

a lot of people just stick with others for the sake of not being alone...

I found that was true in a school environment. In fact our careers advisor warned everyone in the class to pursue the subjects that they wanted at the next school and not simply do something because their friends are. So, I went for ICT which was (and still is) my main interest. I ended up in a class were I didn't know or get along with anyone. All of my friends went on to do media/ICT and they had a good number of others doing the same subject that they also knew.

Same goes for the employment field. One or two friends/associates started working for my local KFC. A while later some more joined and before you knew it about 80% of the workforce of that single KFC were people that knew each other and were already friends before working there. Then a year or two passes and the main two people want out focus on other things. So they leave and a while later a few more leave and now only one person still works there that was part of the group.

So basically, people were only working there because their friends were.

 

[epath13]

I think my perception of being alone more has to do with being different. I'm accepted by many people and they give me their love the way they can, I guess I've just never really learned to appreciate it. In addition to that it's hard for me to accept and appreciate other people opinions. I mean treating them as valuable points of view even if they are different from mine, or don't make any sense I think it's a very valuable skill that could make me feel a little more connected...or not sometimes I wonder how can people accept one side of an idea and completely ignore or even deny another? even though I might have done it myself on occasion, but I'm always glad when somebody pinpoints it...
I don't know maybe it's just me, not the Asperger's but somehow when I look at other people on the spectrum, into their eyes, I see a wall... can't help it But then again it is just my perception...

 

[Odd Duck 1357]

I've warned people beforehand that I'm kinda serious stuff not to taken lightly.

So even if people were willing to get to know me, I'd have serious talks with them and not just the "oh hey, let's go to a movie" and in the end we kiss and make out and all... also, with having serious talks with people you can kinda make out if those people are even up for something more worthwile and serious.

And all those selections are quite a pain to find and meet people though... let alone have a relationship. Though I don't really think that I'll never meet any other with mutual interest... perhaps I know those people already but they just don't know where to start... just like me

I'm so with you on this! I always had "just friends" who knew I didn't kiss, make out, etc. because I was just too serious and socially awkward for that sort of thing and let all interested parties know this from the outset. My religion was a kind of excuse to avoid that sort of thing. I plain refused to date, until I finally went out with a family friend and ended up sexually assaulted because he preyed on socially naïve and isolated girls like me. Five years later, I was healed enough to have regained some trust in mankind. Then I met a charming, social, confident neurotypical. He did most of the chasing. Marriage is hard, but so worth it! I learned to be more social, he learned to be less so, especially with kids. Our faith makes divorce not an option, so the only choice is to learn to get along. I'm admittedly hard to live with, but now that I have a diagnosis it's easier to address my issues and learn better responses to a loud, chaotic "normal" world.

He married me because I seemed "normal" enough at the time. I married him because he seemed normal too With my spouse on my side, it's easier to forgive myself for being atypical. As I get older, though, I no longer care about being "normal" anyway. So it's win/win. But yes, I was alone for most of my adult life and figured that was just my lot in life. After years of awkwardness I simply gave up trying to be social. Love and marriage happened almost by accident in my case.

 

[Odd Duck 1357]

I think my perception of being alone more has to do with being different. I'm accepted by many people and they give me their love the way they can, I guess I've just never really learned to appreciate it. In addition to that it's hard for me to accept and appreciate other people opinions. I mean treating them as valuable points of view even if they are different from mine, or don't make any sense I think it's a very valuable skill that could make me feel a little more connected...or not sometimes I wonder how can people accept one side of an idea and completely ignore or even deny another? even though I might have done it myself on occasion, but I'm always glad when somebody pinpoints it...
I don't know maybe it's just me, not the Asperger's but somehow when I look at other people on the spectrum, into their eyes, I see a wall... can't help it But then again it is just my perception...

I agree, it sort of feels like we're Data from Star Trek: the cyborg trying hard to be human. I can especially relate to his trying to understand humor and rely on intuition when dealing with people. In the end, he was a brilliant, valued person but still a cyborg.