Does anyone think about things, as well as people as investments?

[Shiznown]

I am not apathetic by any means, in fact I am a pretty emotional person; however I do like to view thing and people as investments. For example if I meet some one, I'll have the mind state of "How much time do I invest to this person?", "Are they worth being friends, or being in a relationship with, or am I better off spending my time doing something else?" This also applies to things I buy, from food to video games to weight training equipment. Does anyone else here have a similar mindset?

 

[atrocityexhibition]

When you are AS, relationships often take more effort, so even casual ones can feel like an "investment". I think it makes perfect sense.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Oh, goodness, yes. I've felt so guilty for that, too. Personally, though, I think everyone does that. It's just that people like us tend to be aware that we're doing it, and then we beat ourselves up for it.

 

[King_Oni]

Yup, that kinda applies to me, even with relationships.

Despite that I, at the moment, have enough spare time, I still feel that my time should be worth it.

The issue however is that not everyone seems to understand how much time invested might mean that I do care a lot more opposed to other people. Even if I spend an hour on someone I feel that I care enough for someone, yet some people think an hour isn't enough... I guess they don't understand that I could also spend no time on them as well.

Though spending an hour can be just as good as spending 5, that might totally depend on the person.

 

[Peace]

I see things differently. I try to give people as much time as they seem to want or need. It is an investment, but I do not look to get all of the returns. Some of the people I know take an awful lot of work, but I feel it is needed.
I do not look at you with any less respect for having your view, It is quite logical and practical, and I understand it. I hope that my view makes sense to you and that it helps to answer your question somehow.

 

[clg114]

I am not apathetic by any means, in fact I am a pretty emotional person; however I do like to view thing and people as investments. For example if I meet some one, I'll have the mind state of "How much time do I invest to this person?", "Are they worth being friends, or being in a relationship with, or am I better off spending my time doing something else?" This also applies to things I buy, from food to video games to weight training equipment. Does anyone else here have a similar mindset?

This is what I would call 'logical thought'.

 

[Judge]

I crunch numbers for a living. Most everything- and everyone can be quantified to varying degrees in terms determining risk versus reward. Of course in the case of people I find it paramount to keep such thoughts to myself. But yes, I certainly have them as well.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I see situations that way, but not people. Examples where I do this would be school, working extra, workout programs, etc. when it come to people I think of the situation itself - do I want to answer the phone when caller ID says "Mary" because I know before the conversation is over 5hrs will be gone or the knitting group I stopped going to because I felt my time would be better served doing something else.

 

[bentHnau]

Definitely. People require a large investment of time and energy. Anything involving people is a bigger investment than something that I would do by myself because when others are involved, I have less control over the situation, and thus less certainty of a return on my investment.

 

[Hidden]

Yes. And I feel terrible doing it. When I was younger I made the mistake of expressing this view to my family; I was immediately blasted as a horrible, manipulative, and conniving person.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Okay, follow-up question...

Do you ever think about yourself this way?

I find I have such a low value for my contributions to a social interaction, that I kick myself out of the relationship.

There are times I feel my contribution to society...the bad so far outweighs the good...I've never had much value for my life, other than meeting the needs of people around me who rely on me for things (like my kids). I survived my teen years because I was afraid that killing myself would be too painful for my mom and I had to protect her from that. Other than that, I felt it wasn't worth what I had to deal with to keep living.

It's hard to keep facing life when you feel like you take from people more than what you give them.

 

[Judge]

Okay, follow-up question...

Do you ever think about yourself this way?

I find I have such a low value for my contributions to a social interaction, that I kick myself out of the relationship.

Perhaps. If I do this on a subconscious level, sabotaging my own relationships because deep down I consider myself more toxic than other people. Good question, although a dark one.

 

[DogwoodTree]

deep down I consider myself more toxic than other people

Yes, that's exactly the word I use on myself: "toxic". The myth is that Aspies don't have empathy. If anything, I feel such deep empathy for everyone else that I don't want to subject them to a relationship with me. I once told my pastors, "If I really loved you, I would leave you alone." I feel like what I need to feel good about myself would come at such a high price for anyone else that it's just not worth it. I'm too screwed up...just not worth the effort.

I'm realizing...now with this diagnosis...that perhaps the real problem is that their messages of approval and appreciation at being in relationship with me may just be lost in translation. Perhaps more people like me than I realize. But it never gets through. And so I'm convinced I'm just a burden on people.

I'm so steeped in putting on a show for people...acting...that I'm especially attuned to authenticity (or lack of it) from others. It's kind of like hair coloring--I've never dyed my hair, so when I see other blondes, I just assume they're naturally blondes. I'm not familiar with the tactics to try and make hair color look natural because I've never had to pretend with that. But people who regularly dye their hair walk up to me out of nowhere and comment on my beautiful, natural color--they can tell the difference between fake and real because they work so hard at faking it.

I work so hard at faking being a likable person...faking being the person people want...faking being someone who fits. I can spot another fake a mile away, sometimes even when that person isn't aware they're faking. So even the slightest sign of annoyance or impatience from the other person sets off red flags all over the place for me that they don't like me, they're rejecting me, they're tired of me, I'm not worth it.

I'm starting to wonder if aspies...having the hypersensitivities that we have...might not actually be MORE aware of social intricacies than other people. I'm thinking that it's our ability to pick up on cues that most people miss...subconscious messages they're not even aware they're emitting...that confuses us so much. If you're trying to listen to a conversation but you're hearing and seeing all kinds of things...layers that no one else is noticing...of course that would be more confusing and overwhelming and harder to pick out the message the other person is actually TRYing to communicate...because you see layers underneath that message that the other person isn't even aware of.

It's like if you can see beyond the normal, visible spectrum (like Geordi on Star Trek), you have to work harder at picking out the parts that other people consider important and relevant. And it's exhausting to have to do that filtering/interpretation all the time. It's not a LACK of information, but rather an overload of all the EXTRA information. And it's not just body language, but all kinds of layers in the social interaction that we pick up and don't know how to prioritize and figure out what the person is thinking because there's so much they seem to be ignoring.

So then other people have layers of being annoyed with me...just as I do with them...but I pick up on their annoyance with me whereas they don't have a clue that I'm faking it with them.

 

[bentHnau]

Do you ever think about yourself this way?

I find I have such a low value for my contributions to a social interaction, that I kick myself out of the relationship.

No. I can't know what other people want, so I leave it up to them to decide whether or not my companionship is valuable to them, while I decide whether or not my participation is valuable to me.

It's hard to keep facing life when you feel like you take from people more than what you give them.

Maybe the world is not set up properly to provide an outlet for you to give what you have to give. Or maybe you haven't found the people who really need or appreciate it yet.

 

[abby normal]

I invested my heart and psyche and karma in a person I met on wrongplanet a few years back, because it was a do or die thing.

 

[King_Oni]

Okay, follow-up question...

Do you ever think about yourself this way?

I always want it to be worth other peoples time to hang out as well. The problem as such lies in the fact that often it's hard to find a good medium. I'm not the type of person to hang out and sit around at home. If you're gonna hang out with me be prepared to actually go somewhere, be active, do something. And with that I might be exhausting. But if I sit around with someone; I'm just not the person just to enjoy company for the heck of having someone around.

That all said, I do want to create a win-win situation with anyone with whom I hang out or spend time in general so often I end up discussing ideas... though I can't recall the times that I just had to tell my girlfriend to stay home because she came across as apathetic and as someone who would want to come over to my place and actually sleep for the remainder of the day.. just for the sake of being able to say "at least we saw each other this week". That's not how I work, lol.