Does anyone here choose to stay single?

[HidinginPlainSight]

I don't know if it was/is a firm choice. One that has sort of been made for me over the years. I don't have a very manageable way of dealing with someone on a relationship basis where you're supposed to be in contact on a daily basis. Living with someone seems like a burden beyond comprehension and not one I am looking to engage in. I'm really not enough of a catch to dictate firm terms of a relationship, not really sure anyone is as it's supposed to be a partnership of sorts.

I still do look from time to time and hope to find someone who is just as dysfunctional as myself so that, perhaps, we can be dysfunctional together. This is a real long shot at best and I'm ok with that too.

The only thing I wouldn't be ok with is being in a relationship for the sake of it and torturing myself and someone else in the process. Been there and done that.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

And no man my age, even one burned by divorce, is going to tolerate someone like me, so I've just never bothered with dating.

You'd probably be quite surprised what some men, of any age, is willing to tolerate to be in a relationship. I get the sense that you wouldn't tolerate the kind though. Not saying that that is a bad thing, just saying.

 

[Judge]

Choose? Hmmmm. Let's just say that in my early 40s I came to the conclusion that it was just never going to happen. Marriage, that is.

And so far some twenty years later I've been right.

 

[LearnedCoward]

And no man my age, even one burned by divorce, is going to tolerate someone like me, so I've just never bothered with dating.

Eh. You'd be surprised, both negatively and positively.

Plus, what you call being "burned" I call being experienced. I have had enough failed relationships where I know that this stuff ain't easy. If it's worth enough to me, I'll go after the relationship and try to make it work.

I'm also very ambitious and have always seen those kinds of relationships as obstacles that just get in the way of what I want.

Yeah, if you view a relationship as an obstacle, then you probably shouldn't be in that relationship. It definitely sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself.

I pray for God to connect me with people who not only understand this, but may experience this type of desire for singleness too. Anyone?

Yes, I get it. I don't have as much of a desire for singleness as I have a lack of desire for couplehood. I would rather be free and single than try to force a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. If someone comes along who is really good for me, that's great. If they don't come along, that's pretty good too.

if someone happened to come along who I fell in love with, sure, but otherwise I'm not really interested. It's just not something I ever felt was an integral part of life

Yep. I tried the whole "being in a relationship for the sake of being normal" thing, been there, done there, got the (very expensive) T-shirt. Not worth it. Not worth my time or energy. Not only don't I find it to be an integral part of life, but for me personally, thinking that it is an integral part of life would be dysfunctional.

I don't choose to stay single, but I don't go looking for dates.

Importantly, I’ll let love in first sight chase after me instead of me chasing after it.

I don't know if it was/is a firm choice.

I do. Sort of. Not really (it's complicated).

Yes to all of this.

 

[Voltaic]

I spend a lot of time in chat. Often people talk about their relationships and problems surrounding them, looking for advice. Why someone would come to an autism forum looking for relationship advice escapes me.

When these conversations arise, I often feel hopelessly lost on giving any advice, tips or alternative ways of thinking. Maybe it is because lack of context or deeper understanding of the dynamics and subtle details of the relationships, maybe it is my social deficiencies, either or it begs the question, if I were in their position would I be able to find a way to coexsist with another person, especailly considering it is hard enough to do so with myself.

I also wonder how valuable I would be as a partner. On one hand, I am kind and caring, to the point of fault. I dont do so out of love or compassion, but from anxiety and compensation for my lack of a deeper personality and emotional coldness. Emulated sympathy by the compulsive urge to do so. How can I be a valueable partner if in reality I dont care for the person? At what point does my coldness start to show?

Despite me wording my intuition as if it is up to question, I do think I would be a good partner. Why I am not seeking a relationship at least for this moment is there is no drive to do so. I am not looking for sex, I am not looking for romance, and as @Gritches said, I am not looking to put up with somone else's bs.

My emotions surrounding people are quite minimal. It takes a lot to get me angry, I takes a lot to get me happy, doesn't take much to get me annoyed though. I don't think I am emotionally capable of forming enough of a bond, nor gain enough happinies to enjoy a relationship with all thr neggatives that come with it.

Excuses, excuses. Maybe I am making up a story to justify just how lonely I am, and unwilling due to the anxiety surrounding it, but despite being lonely, I don't feel it. I question though how long I will be content with my situation.

 

[paloftoon]

There are men who want to live a single life type lifestyle too or don't want any kids even if they are coupled with a partner. It's probably a small number. I've maybe bumped into 1-3 couples in my life where they wanted to live a single life but be partnered and not get married. If you do use dating apps or such, but still want a single type of life, specifically state this on your profile to minimize confusion. And if people don't read your profile, don't fuss about it. Just re-explain to them what is already on your profile.

 

[oregano]

I dated in high school, but after my gf of my last two years in HS broke up with me in my early college years, I really didn't date again. I tried dating sites and had a hookup or two, but nothing beyond that. I tend to attract women with severe mental illness problems, so I really don't want a relationship. I would be interested in sort of a friends with benefits type situation, where we meet once every week or two to "get our rocks off" and then go about our separate lives the rest of the time. Sex to me is like, say, eating or sleeping, a primal need that must be met. But an actual relationship? I don't think so, way too much drama. Actually living with another person is like hell on earth to me.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I hated being single. I was brought up to expect marriage and children as standard, and there was a lot of stigma to being single when I was in my 20's. I couldn't understand why I couldn't make a relationship last, and blamed it on men being commitment-shy. I had a dysfunctional childhood, where I felt unloved, so expected to be compensated when I grew up. I realise now that, although there was some truth in men not wanting to be "tied down", I was making a lot of social faux pas due to my condition - this was in the 1980's, when autism and Asperger's syndrome where thought to be a lot more rigid th they actually are, so my condition wasn't known then. All I wanted was to be loved, but all I got was rejection, frustration, disappointment and social stigma (the last only from certain quarters, but the ones where you would least expect it).
I finally married at the ripe old age of 30. The children never happened for me, which I regret, as I feel I've missed out on a milestone of life. But having said that, I would've struggled with difficult behaviour, treating very different children fairly, noise and incessant demands, not to mention trying to be in half a dozen places at once!

 

[Gig3]

Relationships are a minefield for me because I have social anxiety as well as fear of intimacy. In the past I felt trapped in any kind of romantic relationship and therefore came to believe that I wasn't meant to be married. I actually came to this conclusion at around age nine or so. At one time I looked around at everyone who was seemingly in some kind of relationship. I felt confused about the whole issue. At some point I guess I just accepted my circumstances. I'll be 55 in a little over a week and was diagnosed with high-functioning autism just over a year ago. I'm happy to be able to read about others' concerns and be able to empathize for a change. It's good to accept things without surrendering to negative circumstances imo.

 

[freewaydog]

Well I am ace-aro & trying to find a real-life support group for others like myself. I even started this thread.

 

[Swimczar]

Hello all

I'm 40 today, and quite happy about it (probably because I'm newly diagnosed with ASD) and feel like I've dodged a lot of bullets during my life because of my high functioning autism. Of course, I recognize that I've also probably missed out on heaps of opportunities that I may never even know about, due to the anxiety

Happy belated Birthday Wishes! I too just had a birthday, and as usual spent time reflecting on my life during the past year. And the fact that it has been several years since I was in a relationship- and wondering if I will ever be in another!

I dont have any answers, only observations. And one biggie is that my past relationships were great learning situations- for me to learn about myself and how I relate to partners. And like the old saying goes:"Sometimes the best medicine leaves a bitter aftertaste", I found that what I learned has added to my toolbox of social survival apps.
I also recall a seminar in which the speaker described a period of her life "the long lonliness" but knew she wasnt ready or interested at the time for relationship. Just a normal reaction to being human in this crazy world.
Take care, for you are beautiful but so rare.

 

[Noelle]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY and welcome to this forum It's a good place to be- members are friendly, accepting, supportive and helpful also informative!

I'm NT, not aspie, but have chosen to remain single (after divorce) in preference to being with a jerk. If the right guy came along, well that would be a different story, XD.

Good on you, Lucy. A good number of my NT friends who've dealt with divorce also choose to remain single.

 

[Judge]

It is kind of sad to look around and see so many in my orbit who have suffered through a nasty divorce.

Making the prospects of marriage look pretty grim at times. Leaving me wondering whether I missed out on a great deal or simply dodged one enormous "bullet".

 

[Noelle]

I had been very happily single and alone for years. It was a very comfortable lifestyle, full of independence and personal choices, freedom to come and go, of personal space and peace and quiet. I'd have said I would live very contentedly like that for the rest of my days.

Then I met my partner. She is an Aspie, and I have happily given up every part of that freedom and the peace and quiet of being single because she is the right person for me to be with if I am going to be with anyone at all. I also found that where touch has always been an issue for me before, it isn't with her at all.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be single, and enjoying being single and independent if that is want anyone wants. What is wrong is having no option but be single, or be in a relationship, if that is not what you want. Neither of those choices is a selfish thing unless it negatively impacts on others.

Good for you, and congratulations! I have actually read that the touch aversion can disappear for people like us when the right person comes along. I suspect it's mind over matter, and maybe a bit of divine intervention mixed in. Great to read this response. God bless you both. N

 

[Noelle]

It is kind of sad to look around and see so many in my orbit who have suffered through a nasty divorce.

Making the prospects of marriage look pretty grim at times. Leaving me wondering whether I missed out on a great deal or simply dodged one enormous "bullet".

I think it's possible you missed out AND dodged a bullet. I'm learning that both of these are actually okay. Thanks for replying N

 

[Queeninshadow]

Been single all my life. Never had a boyfriend, I don't believe I will ever have one. I can't imagine living with someone, I'm very private person, so I can't don't want to fully expose myself to someone. Not to mention It's hard to find one, since I don't go out and don't have any friends.

 

[lora hamdan]

I have a boyfriend and I love him, but I often doubt if that has been a right chose. I'm naturally too independent to bind myself to somebody. What I learned is that relationship: relationship is complicated and exhausting for me. I usually don't get what the partner wants from me, I'm not ready to waste my time on dramas, I'm not ready to cancel my plans just because he feels bad. It's completely ok for me to spend the whole day reading something or studying and I don't want anyone to interfere. Boyfriends need attention. I don't want to shift my movie time, because somebody needs help with shopping or wants to have sex or something else. I don't want to search for 1h for a movie that both of us will like. I want to do what I want and when I want it. Call me an egoist, I don't care.

 

[GrownupGirl]

It's not exactly a "choice", but seeking a relationship is not something I try to do or plan to do either, possibly due to asexuality. Love, sex... don't need them. Don't want them.

 

[Mary Anne]

I have been officially single since 2004. I have always refused marriage and definitely never wanted children, despite some seriously long term and loving relationships through my first 45 years of life. I am a sex addict, who has, by staying relationship free these past decades put “the beast” finally to sleep. I now find though, getting old, with a degenerative spine disease— that being single (and financially in poverty - though I work), a huge disadvantage. I wish I had a partner - as being old, sick, and recuperating from surgery, paying all these bills of living single, etc ...very difficult. I only started thinking of all this when I hit my 60s.

 

[married to an As 30 years]

hello all you wonderful fun single people. I have been married to an AS for 30 years. It was good at times, but far more difficult for the AS. Here's the thing. Whenever there were relationship misunderstandings, things became difficult for both of us in a more extreme way then regular relationships. This hurt him in ways I could not comprehend. I felt left out of being close to him. Its almost as if to say that the longer we were together, the less intimate we could be verbally or physically. But, strangely, we both really love each other. So, after years of kindness, understanding, togetherness, etc, we both came to realize that we were much better as friends. And we are friends. We call, talk, help each other do stuff, like friends. My AS husband and I divorced nicely. Weird right? But he's less stressed, manages better, and never misses what just couldn't work for him. If I am allowed to give advice, this would be it. Being single is a choice. It is one of many healthy choices. Marriage is not a requirement for anyone to be happy. All I ask is you make room for a friend, even an infrequent one. You my not need us, but you might be surprised that we need you. How generous of you to take some of your time and let us NT's know you are an AS who is willing to be friendly. For those who have not found someone but enjoy the thought of maybe having someone who understands and loves time with you, please don't give up. AS's have unique gifts to offer the rest of us, ....we are just slow to understand this. Please be patient with the rest of the world; its very full of many many different wonderful people. Air hug, (hugging without touching is still a hug).