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Does anyone have any ideas on dating with Aspergers?

Alex Dame

Alex Dame

Startouched
There's no big, long speech this time. The fact is, I'm just looking for some advice. My brother's the one married with three kids. I, on the other hand, have had very few dates in my life. I tend to be comfortable being alone, writing, occasionally drawing, watching DVDs and Youtube materials. As such, dating hasn't exactly been a priority for me, and I'd generally rather have a platonic consistent companion. Still, I WOULD like to be able to date in the case of special occasions like my birthday or New Year's Eve.

Anyway, my first idea was simply asking someone if they were interested in a date, or if they were free, or something. It sounds easy enough, but I keep asking myself WHO do I ask, when, where, how do I ask, things like that. My mom suggested I join a church singles group, but the truth is, I'm not that religious. I'm not an atheist, but I don't go reading the bible and memorizing scripture passages either. Then, my therapist suggested finding an online dating website, and I thought Match.com was a good one, but when it came to paying for site information, both my mom and my brother were against me, and my mom thought it seemed like prostitution!

Anyway, I'm not looking for a long-term relationship necessarily. I was thinking more like a one night stand with no sexual intercourse involved (I'm not ashamed to mention here that I'm a virgin). I'm effectively out of ideas at this point. I'm just looking for advice if anyone has some.
 
Maybe don't necessarily think of it as "dating", which that word, vs "sharing time with someone else" is much more gentle on the mind. I've never gone to sites, but I always think the best way to meet anyone is to do the activities that interest you....you have a greater chance to find someone who share

If I may ask, I'm interested in your comment of "hasn't exactly been a priority for me" as I am an NT who is in the initial stages of a slow and long-distance relation with an Aspie. He said the same thing, that "women are not a priority in my life". Is this because doing what activities you like are what you really prefer (which it seems have a lot of solitude), and/or is some of that also from past experiences that perhaps make an Aspie want to fence themselves off from the (maybe recurring?) hurts of the past. I know that my interest has had some very difficult times as he was growing up, has only had one short experience in dating before me (he's now 37), and has a big tender spot in him (ie, told me very sternly to not call him "special" when I said he was special to me.
 
kyliewyote said:
Maybe don't necessarily think of it as "dating", which that word, vs "sharing time with someone else" is much more gentle on the mind. I've never gone to sites, but I always think the best way to meet anyone is to do the activities that interest you....you have a greater chance to find someone who share

If I may ask, I'm interested in your comment of "hasn't exactly been a priority for me" as I am an NT who is in the initial stages of a slow and long-distance relation with an Aspie. He said the same thing, that "women are not a priority in my life". Is this because doing what activities you like are what you really prefer (which it seems have a lot of solitude), and/or is some of that also from past experiences that perhaps make an Aspie want to fence themselves off from the (maybe recurring?) hurts of the past. I know that my interest has had some very difficult times as he was growing up, has only had one short experience in dating before me (he's now 37), and has a big tender spot in him (ie, told me very sternly to not call him "special" when I said he was special to me.
Click to expand...
To answer your question, my lack of interest with dating is partly because of my preoccupations with things like writing fantasy and fiction (And, often, fan fiction for card and video games. Sometimes, I even come up with convoluted ideas for video games.) related material. But probably a bigger barrier for me is the way I tend to focus on things like cartoons and past media (Especially comedy related, but the sci-fi and horror is fun also depending on my mood.). Unfortunately, I prefer researching cartoons from my childhood and before that so much that I don't even generally watch cartoons (At least other than movies, and even then, I haven't seen ALL of them. I never saw Brave or Big Hero 6.) that were made more recently.

It's not that I have anything AGAINST the people who HAVE, but it makes it harder to relate. I've tried to remedy that by watching more up-to-date cartoons, but that usually results in culture shock. The same goes for other media like action movies and epics, although some of those movies totally rub me the right way. I really did enjoy Guardians of the Galaxy. It reminded me of Star Wars:). Anyway, I've had experience in getting around that and trying to find more common ground, but I DO have hurts of the past that make me want to fence myself off from other people. Mainly, it's controversial issues that I've gotten into and gotten too heated over, and then gotten in trouble for. I have issues, the opinions based on which, would offend a lot of people even if I didn't mean to. Even expressing my opinions on blogs has gotten me called a coward, and discussions I've had with my mother have escalated to shouting arguments.

I guess I'm afraid to touch on any tender subjects, which is why a one night stand would be preferable to a long-term relationship in which the other person ended up hating me. Another thing I'd always have to be careful of is touching someone ELSE'S sore subjects, which hasn't always been easy for me. (sigh) But at the same time, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like long lasting friendships and/or romantic interests. It wouldn't be comfortable necessarily, but few worthwhile things are.
 
Have you tried going to something like a comic con? Or any kind of convention? Lots of folks there that enjoy writing, fantasy, and those kinds of things.
 
thanks for the feedback Alex....and good suggestion by AsheSkyler (I laughed re-reading my post....the last sentence was supposed to read "you have a greater chance to find someone who shares similar interests with you"). Animals are the common link that plopped me in the world of my Aspie.
I don't want to over-assume how you are vs him, but understand how people can take offense to what he says (and you have described). I don't have much of a "filter" on my mouth sometimes (my boss used to call it "verbal vomit"), and my friend has absolutely no filter. I can see that he's just speaking his mind, and it's with good intent. But it can come across to others as opinionated, controlling, and "know-it-all" (he is incredibly brilliant and knowledgeable across almost every subject that is discussed).
I'm not bothered nor offended as others may be. I guess for me intent and a kind heart is more important than words that may spill out. And, for me, I find it refreshing to know that what a person is saying is truly what they believe, instead of fake talk.
It took 37 years for my friend to find someone who listens and appreciates who he is. It just takes one.....
 
All i can say, when it comes to dating sites the standard person thinks it is horrible crap. And some really are bad. But when a girl working for the site, almost breaking the rules, because she is way to fond of you. It was the victory i needed. :).

But some sites are quite decent.

However as a personal lesson. My Aspie had one huge advantage. 10 girls don't like to be only judged bon there looks. And on some way my disadvantage became an advantage. But as far as i can say, asking somebody out, the problem is between you ears. You are the one worried of getting a no. And ironically enough that fear is what works most against you. And since your demands are not that high. I suspect the difficult part you describe, is actually the most enjoyable part. But something really practical i can't give. Though for me internet was a great invention, because it made me way less nervious. So on a way it was a bit traing level. But on the other hand, it took me 36 years to get the hang of it. And that might be to long for you. One thing i learned though, way more girls react to me than i ever realized. And i really blame the aspie part. I didnt pick up anything. So maybe, you already met the right one to ask. But you are just as clueless as i was. :p.

Though the who topic really seems to be, where do i meet new friends/people. To that I would say, yeah school was kinda magically easy wasn't. You just have to go somewhere. But now you have to do it on your own. Or if you are lucky with a friend. I met so many people with the strangest classes or hobbies I took. Best to go somewhere where you meet people you like though. Tja, curiousity killed the cat. But sometimes it just helps to try something new. Juwt no more than you can chew off. But more than zero.
 
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