Do you have trouble getting over stuff?

[SallySlips]

I have a major problem getting past things I've been made fun of in the past, no matter how long it's been. A few things come to mind:

My sisters made fun of my singing when I was about 10. I actually am a pretty good singer, but I don't do it in front of anyone. My husband is a musician, so obviously very musically inclined, and it upsets him that we've been together 3 years and he's never heard me sing, or even hum.

My ex told me once to "stop being so clingy" when I wrapped my arms around him, so ever since then I've had difficulties showing physical affection.

I was also made fun of for using pet names, like "babe," so now I feel stupid using them at all.


Anyone else have this issue?

 

[TheAgnosticOne]

I also have problems with things of the past. I am basically completely withdrawn and quiet now (at least around people I don't know well, but still almost completely around the ones I do) because of past experiences where situations just never seem to go right.

It sucks not knowing how to deprogram these subconscious programs that negatively impact our lives.

 

[Soup]

I'm similar in that regard but in a different context. I was never the 'made fun of' kid because I was small & good at blending in & vanishing. Every now & then, some family member or boyfriend type of person would play some kind of stupid practical joke on me. Although I know the person meant no harm, I don't like unpredictability & surprises. After someone plays a joke on me even once, that person is never really trusted by me again & I never allow myself to be in a position to get tricked by that person again. I may forgive them (since none of the stunts so far have gotten me harmed) BUT I never ever forget & that person is forever associated in my mind with the stunt they pulled.

This is a bit the way they say animals think & create memories (by association with sensations like danger etc.) but my brain does this without any effort on my part. A while back, I was sitting in the dark on the bed with the laptop on. The rest of the room was pitch black with no visibility. My husband came into the room & spoke to me. Then, he pretended to have left. Instead, he crept up close, jumped out of nowhere yelling 'BOOGABOOGABOOGA!" (or some other immature thing). Before I knew what had even happened, my hand flew out defensively in a martial arts block (years of Kung Fu) & he went reeling. This was NOT deliberate & was a block; not a strike.

Either way, he laughed it off & I kind of said, "Good one: you got me that time!" BUT ever since that incident, I keep a night light in the wall across the room so I can see anyone coming or going very clearly.

"Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me." -Confucius

 

[SallySlips]

Oh boy! I'm lucky in that regard; nobody really plays tricks on me. I guess I'm susceptible to being made fun of because everyone knows I take things so seriously, so I'm an easy target. I'm sure people don't mean to cause life-long damage, but I find that sort of thing really hard to forget and am forever self-conscious about it.

 

[Daniel]

I have trouble getting over stuff like that. For me, teasing is one of the worst things someone can do to me. If I get teased for something, I get really sensitive about it and try to shut that part down. Sometimes it's defensive, sometimes I do it out of passive-aggressive spite.

Now that I think about it, any work colleague I've ever had tease me gets the freeze out. They must earn their way back into my good graces by melting my icy shield, and even then, I remember that person's communication preference, and I stay on guard. I guess I could be a bit less rigid on that stuff in the future

My wife criticized my singing when we first got together, and I've never sang for her since. She doesn't want me to, so it's not a big deal; our situations are different, but still--sucks to be criticized for singing. I love it, and my mom used to tease me about it, and eventually I snapped on her.

 

[Pella]

I have a really hard time with it, and my aspie brother sad the same.

 

[liverbird1980]

Yes very much so, I remember things that happened like 20 years ago and feels like they just happened yesterday. I remember every word a person said or done something esp with the bullying.

Im so pleased (hope that doesnt make me a bad person) that its part of aspergers as I thought it was just me.

 

[2010Dolby]

In high school there was a guy who I never got along with. We always got into fist fights at parties and confrontations during school. I haven't seen him for 3 years now but I still imagine seeing him randomly and kicking his ass.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Just because one person did not like your singing, it doesn't mean others will think the same thing. And besides, if you like to sing = then sing! Don't let other people's opinions define you.

 

[Daniel]

Just because one person did not like your singing, it doesn't mean others will think the same thing. And besides, if you like to sing = then sing! Don't let other people's opinions define you.

Amen to that! I sing whenever and wherever I can. Singing just feels good! I'm mindful not to do it in ways that make it too weird for NTs around me...most of the time!

I found that karaoke was the best thing for me to build confidence. My wife and I found a very open and friendly karaoke bar where people didn't take themselves seriously. It's funny; I make some odd, odd song choices when the mood takes me! I've got my home computer set up with karaoke software and a big library of tunes, so I can sing whatever I want when I get time to myself.

I've developed a thicker skin over the years, especially about music, and especially since I realized that everyone is entitled to their tastes and judgments. Besides, I tend to be my own worst critic anyway, and that's just part of really, really wanting to improve.

Asperger's or not, it's so much easier for people to believe the negative stuff than the positive!

 

[christianmother27]

I do, though I always just thought it was "holding grudges" so to speak. Like... when I was a teenager my dad had told us he quit smoking, and I was so proud of him. Now we would find my parents locked in their room and could smell smoke coming from the room so we just KNEW it was my mom smoking in the bathroom and we always ragged on her about it. Finally one day when I was getting onto my mom again to quit smoking my dad laughed in my face and said "I smoke too!" I felt very betrayed and I still don't think I've forgiven him. I mean I speak to him on occasion but I just don't feel close to him anymore. I have a hard time forgetting betrayals. I have a hard time forgetting criticism when someone criticises (this word looks wrong!) me. My husband made a comment to me one day when I made bacon for him and asked if I could make it a little crispier, and I took it all the wrong way. I started crying, and basically had a meltdown. Every since then I have to make sure that the bacon is crisp, and sometimes make a comment to that effect to him to which he laughs because he thought it was funny lol.

 

[Arashi222]

I don't let go of stuff. I have been told that I can be a bit of frost queen when it comes to things. I don't forgive easily at all in fact even if it was mistake I usually don't forget it and I don't let it go. Like the situation with my ex-friends still really hurts and pisses me off. The whole thing was not my fault they made choices not to be my friends because of their inabilty to understand someone different than themselves.

 

[Needtobreathe]

Yes

 

[LittlePuff]

Ditto. Things run over and over in my head too.

 

[SallySlips]

Just because one person did not like your singing, it doesn't mean others will think the same thing. And besides, if you like to sing = then sing! Don't let other people's opinions define you.

I wish it was that easy for me! When I first got together with my husband, I told myself I wouldn't let past issues affect how I behaved around him. Then I just couldn't get up the gumption to sing in front of him, and he started making sort of a big deal out of it which just made me more self-conscious about it. But if someone puts on some pressure then I feel like I'm being forced to put on a performance, and then I just refuse to do it.