The doctors and the counselors at Child Guidance told my parents I had a "perceptual disorder". Looking back, I don't know why nobody mentioned autism or Aspergers. I had many of the hallmarks.
What it was like to live with that label was that I grew up vulnerable to anyone, particularly an adult in authority, because what this label meant was that I was out of touch with reality. "The way you see the world isn't how it is." As a result I grew up with major self-doubt and very little confidence. Since I could not trust my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, I was always looking to others to validate myself. To this day, I cannot self-evaluate. If my supervisor was to tell me tomorrow that I was a lousy employee and needed to be let go, I would not know how to counter it. I would be stunned and reeling in shock, but there is no way I could say to him or her, "You are wrong and this is why."
I am sure that those who labeled me did not intend for that outcome; but I never got any indication that they were interested in anything else than making me a docile, submissive child who did not cause trouble in the classroom or home. Through drugs and physical punishment, they eventually got what they wanted. I survived. I was not locked up in a mental hospital or chained to a bed like a Michigan teenager who died in a house fire a couple of years ago (her parents are now serving time). I learned not to push buttons and keep my head low.
As I said, I believe that I have Asperger's because it fits, but I have not gone through the trouble and expense of getting a formal diagnosis. I think at this point it may do more harm than good, and also, I have no love for the medical/mental health profession. I am sure that there are some very fine people who have devoted their lives to this, and I don't mean to slam them, but the trust I have has been destroyed long ago.
