Do you ever get touch starved?

[Spiller]

I find this is by far the worst aspect of being AS; I've had two relationships of less than a year and, recently, a friend who I see 2-3 times a month. I cry often, when I'm at home, alone, desperate for contact, company, companionship.. but not knowing.... HOW!!
When I try to explain this, to so-called councillors/therapists, they just compare with their own experiences of loneliness and totally fail to comprehend that I'm not talking days/weeks/months, but a whole lifetime!!
I practice CBT/NLP techniques to manage depression/anxiety and nowadays do my best to include those thoughts/feelings too, because I don't know what else to do.
Funny enough I was recently criticised for this by a CBT therapist and when I asked him what else I could do, he said, "try to get out more and make friends"

 

[Ferdinand94]

Yes, and it's killing me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Pets made a really good substitute for me before I met my husband. I spent many hours cuddling and petting cats, dogs, and chickens. I'll tell ya one thing, a bed was not made to hold one human, one dog, and two cats! Little blanket hogs...

 

[Nadador]

Though I was the one who posted the most recent thread about not liking certain kinds of touch, I have gone through periods of touch deprivation of the kind you're describing, Thea. I count those periods among the most unhappy times of my life. I never really had a problem with it until after the breakdown of my first real romantic relationship [within the last decade], but since then when I'm in-between partners I find myself feeling an acute and singular kind of loneliness. It's just good to have someone with whom I have running permission to touch and seek touching. It helps me feel connected, and grounded. Sometimes when I don't feel like talking, affection with my partner becomes an alternative language.

I think my loneliness and anxiety, social awkwardness, and learning disabilities all team up to make me err a lot. I would really love to find friends who, even online, will virtually hold hands or hug or snuggle or something...(edit) How can I be more aware of what people are accepting of, so that I won't put people off? Are there any other suggestions you can think of? Thank you in advance.

How does one go about "virtual" touching? I've never heard of this. Intrigued.

There's always the option of raising the topic in a general sense, as though you're just interested in their opinions on the subject of friendly intimacy. You'd need a context, of course, so it wouldn't seem too strange to mention. If the issue were approached this way, you could at least get a sense of the potential for intimacy with that person, without making yourself too vulnerable.

That's all I can think of, though. It's a shame that a basic human need is so complicated to ask for.

The last decade I have been on my own and the lack of physical contact is seriously notable. I find I crave even the slightest touch from another person, almost as if it confirms reality. I do have thoughts that I could be hallucinating the whole decade, or that everyone around me could be ghosts, as I never connect with them.

Two weeks ago an acquaintance stroked my hand whilst in conversation, she meant nothing much by it but after she left I sat in my car and cried. I dread to think what would happen if someone hugged me, I think lack of contact is the hardest part of being alone.

Being a ghost among ghosts is miserable. Ever consider martial arts, or another activity that involves physical contact? That's part of why I started taking Aikido, years ago. It was during a lonely period. Since the touch barrier is broken as part of the activity, there is a secondary effect of students becoming more physically expressive during social moments before and after classes--more pats on the back, hands on the shoulder, or even the odd hug. There's a sense of brotherhood that comes with that sort of interest, so it doesn't bother me the way other casual touching can do. There are also other benefits of the discipline that I find helpful as someone with AS. Another activity which seems to bring about a friendly intimacy is rock climbing. There's some pulling/helping each other along in that, which has the same effect of breaking the touch barrier in general.

 

[Harrison]

Being a ghost among ghosts is miserable. Ever consider martial arts, or another activity that involves physical contact? That's part of why I started taking Aikido, years ago. It was during a lonely period. Since the touch barrier is broken as part of the activity, there is a secondary effect of students becoming more physically expressive during social moments before and after classes--more pats on the back, hands on the shoulder, or even the odd hug. There's a sense of brotherhood that comes with that sort of interest, so it doesn't bother me the way other casual touching can do. There are also other benefits of the discipline that I find helpful as someone with AS. Another activity which seems to bring about a friendly intimacy is rock climbing. There's some pulling/helping each other along in that, which has the same effect of breaking the touch barrier in general.

I got into martial arts when young, then moved on to Tai Chi, little bit old and out of condition for rock climbing though.

My main problem with joining groups is that I work 'rolling weeks', five days on and three days off, so my 'weekend' moves through the week. My shifts also mean alternating weekly nights and days of twelve hour stints.

Groups that meet weekly become a no-no because of this and socialising is never easy.

Most of the things I do, such as flying, rambling, camping, swimming, I do alone as people I do know tend to be at work etc. Occasionally, as in tonight, I go to dinner with my landlady whom I'm convinced is on the spectrum. There is no touching though, but at least we have a few hours of great conversations.

The physical contact I did get was at the centre I attended but a big bust up earlier in the year meant I left there.

At least my cat loves cuddles

 

[Vanilla]

I crave hugs like chocolate

 

[The Penguin]

I crave hugs like chocolate

Don't forget to send the chocolate to Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, Canada to address ...

 

[Vanilla]

Throughout my early life I never regarded myself as 'touchy feely', however, I had no shortage of girlfriends so was always in the realm of touching or being touched.

The last decade I have been on my own and the lack of physical contact is seriously notable. I find I crave even the slightest touch from another person, almost as if it confirms reality. I do have thoughts that I could be hallucinating the whole decade, or that everyone around me could be ghosts, as I never connect with them.

Two weeks ago an acquaintance stroked my hand whilst in conversation, she meant nothing much by it but after she left I sat in my car and cried. I dread to think what would happen if someone hugged me, I think lack of contact is the hardest part of being alone.

Aw...Harrison... *hugs*

 

[Nadador]

I got into martial arts when young, then moved on to Tai Chi, little bit old and out of condition for rock climbing though.

My main problem with joining groups is that I work 'rolling weeks', five days on and three days off, so my 'weekend' moves through the week. My shifts also mean alternating weekly nights and days of twelve hour stints.

Most of the things I do, such as flying...(edit)

Sorry I missed this till now. Yeah, when I first took on rock climbing, I was right sore afterwards. It surprised me. Good reminder that I'm not Superman. It did get better. I thought I was working out all of my muscle groups well enough that it shouldn't have been a problem, but using those muscles in unfamiliar ways was trying.

Ouch. Yes, your work schedule does put limitations on doing anything regular. That's a pity. At least you enjoy what you do.

Flying? As in aeroplanes?

 

[Harrison]

Sorry I missed this till now. Yeah, when I first took on rock climbing, I was right sore afterwards. It surprised me. Good reminder that I'm not Superman. It did get better. I thought I was working out all of my muscle groups well enough that it shouldn't have been a problem, but using those muscles in unfamiliar ways was trying.

Ouch. Yes, your work schedule does put limitations on doing anything regular. That's a pity. At least you enjoy what you do.

Flying? As in aeroplanes?

Yes I am a qualified pilot

 

[Lysander]

Oh definitely! From early childhood until about age 20 I lacked the availability of contact that I really craved. Hugs when I was little and more intimate contact later on.

It may be that aspergers has given me a heightened reaction to physical contact, because I would avoid it until recently. However, it may also be lingering anxiety from when I was little. My mother would hit me, or throw things, and want to hug it better right away. Aside from that, she didn't offer any hugs, but my grandmother was always a hugger.

Now that I have a boyfriend, I'm on him like a second skin. It works out, 'cause he feels the same.

 

[Marmot]

I think the only thing worse than being “touch starved” and/or alone is finding someone after a period of starvation and then being rejected by them because you’re too clingy. This has happened to me several times now and the letdown from that is so much worse than had I just been single the whole time……

 

[Datura]

I can't say I have ever felt touch deprived. I have always had a dog though, so that pretty much takes care of my cuddling needs. I also like to hug close friends and cuddle with partners, but I could prabably live without that kind of contact if need be. I can go long periods of time without touching an other person and feel no ill effect.

 

[Cerulean]

I loved touch as a kid. Not so much now that I've experienced the unpleasantness of some touches. I get more than I need now, boyfriend is a big cuddler.

 

[Lee954]

I crave to be touched by another appropriate human being, it so rarely happens though.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

After years of melancholy, I now suspect that it's touch starvation that's been eroding my life. I often go months, without touching anyone.

The thought of physical contact, with someone, both delights and saddens me into envying the privilege some people have. When someone touches me, I get tingly and giddy, as if it were Christmas. Perhaps, there's no better gift, for me. When I would cuddle with cats and receive regular hugs, I was a far happier person. I've moved away, though.

Luckily, for me, I'm not touch-averse. However, finding someone special, whom I can hug, feels out of reach, these days.

Recently, I've begun to reach out and ask for some advice on combating touch starvation. Some paid services include: cuddling clubs and massage therapy. I, however, fear that depending on such services, for my tactile needs, will become expensive. I may use them occasionally, though.

If I can speak regularly, to a counselor (hopefully, that's cost-free, in a Canadian hospital or clinic), getting hugs, in addition to emotional support, will change my life. Today, I divulged my touch starvation, to two support workers, in my autism group. Simply discussing my desire, to be hugged, saddened me, to trembles and tears. They supported me wonderfully, but I felt empty, after I had left the center. I hadn't spent a moment, in their arms. Perhaps, the center prohibits person-to-person contact, since I implied that I wanted it, on at least 5 occasions (and one of the support staff mentioned that some places don't allow contact).

I collected some crisis line phone numbers, and may start making phone calls. Since at least one crisis line is affiliated with the nearby hospital, I might be able to set up some appointment. For once, in my life, I'd prefer an in-person interaction, because I need a hug.

Maybe I'm not the invincible recluse I thought I was, but the first step toward healing is acknowledging that I need help. It took me years, to say those 3 words: I need help. Child abuse debilitated my ability to trust others, but now, I'm feeling brave enough to broach my needs.

"Can you tie me, in your arms, and never let go?" That's all I want to say.

 

[Tom]

I'm sorry you are in that situation. Are there any animals shelters in your area? I think you could make arrangements to sit and visit with cats or maybe even dogs. They of course also look for dog walkers but that may be too much. One pet store chain near me has cats in from the shelter on certain days and volunteers are asked for to come in and just sit in a room and pet the cats one a a time for an hour.