Do you easily feel rejected in a relationship?

[Plumeria]

As an NT, its very easy to feel rejected while in a relationship with an aspie, but do you often feel rejected as well? For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

Or, let say, your partner use to ask you a lot of questions about your interests -- and you enjoyed talking with them. But then you noticed that they stopped asking. What you dont know is that they stopped asking because you never asked them questions, and they felt like you didnt care. Not knowing that they stopped asking because their feelings were hurt, would you think that they stopped because they dont care about you anymore? And if they are quieter than normal, do you assume they are mad at you?

I know communication is important in both of these scenarios but lets say that neither party communicated and only "analyzed" the situation from their point of view. If both parties feel rejected in the relationship, I can see how it could easily end.

 

[pushpin]

I've been in only one relationship, and that was with someone on the spectrum who strongly believed that I also was on spectrum.

Edit because I didn't answer your very first question: Yes, I have felt rejected. But not for the reasons you have described. Like On the Inside, I have felt rejected when directly compared to others (I wasn't compared negatively to anyone in my one romantic relationship, but some of my family members and past friends have compared me negatively to others, and that feels horrible especially because they are comparing parts of myself that they know I can't change).

To answer your first question, no, I wouldn't take it as a negative because the person was giving me exactly what I asked for. I would worry a bit if I texted the person during that time, and they didn't text back when they normally would have. I'd wonder if the person was upset with me. Then I would call at some point and ask if they are ok and if I did anything to upset them.

To answer your second question, no, I wouldn't think that. That would be an extreme thing for me to think based on someone not talking to me about a topic that interests me. I'd just figure they're not interested in hearing about that topic anymore. Also, if their feelings are hurt, I'd expect them to tell me.

Third question, it depends on other factors. But, on just quietness, probably not. I'd just think that they're not in the mood to talk, which I would understand, and I would give them space. I would probably ask if they would want some time alone and that we could hang out another time if they preferred. Edit to add: this may also be something that I wouldn't even notice because I socialize a lot by spending quiet time with people, like reading in the same room and periodically sharing something, or just hanging out in the same room as we do separate things. So, really, I don't think this scenario would ever come up for me.

I would not date someone who would not communicate their true feelings and needs to me. I am also very vocal about communicating my feelings and needs in a relationship. So, this analyzing probably wouldn't go too far as I would have to talk about it or simply address it.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I will preface this by clearly stating that i have no romantic experience at all, just rather torn relationships with my parents and one friend. But i would think rejection and communication issues are at least partially universal, even if i would assume they're different in a romantic relationship on some level.

If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

My best friend readily admits that if she's going through a rough time she will just stop talking to me, no explanation she'll just stop replying to my texts. Even knowing this i always take her silence as a decision in itself and won't contact her on my own until she does herself. To me, if she wanted to talk to me again she'd talk to me. Plus she's the one that chose not to talk to me in the first place.

Not knowing that they stopped asking because their feelings were hurt, would you think that they stopped because they dont care about you anymore? And if they are quieter than normal, do you assume they are mad at you?

Asking questions back like that doesn't typically come natural to me unless i'm in an unusually good mood or am legitimately interested. It depends on the circumstances if i'd get upset. A one time thing, i'd just assume they had a rough day at work or something. But all the time, then i'd start wondering. So yes, if someone just randomly stopped asking the questions I would take that as a negative sign provided I had been interested in their talking to me (which i am with my best friend) in the first place rather than tuning it out (like i do with my little sister).

All this being said, I feel like I'm much more easily hurt by perceived rejection and more likely to take things personally that aren't meant to be just because I have so much experience with it. Rather than bluntly ask someone why they aren't talking to me (or whatever) like other people might I usually just analyze the situation for myself without asking them anything. I feel like if they are actually mad at me over something, then i'm the one in the wrong for not even noticing their feelings in the first place like i should have. Like others would have. Even before my family realized i could be an aspie i was like this...i felt like i didn't notice simple things everyone else did, and just learned the hard way to shut up and analyze it for myself so i don't make myself look stupid.

 

[Judge]

For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

If I already conveyed that I needed my space, I wouldn't logically need to ponder that they are waiting for me to make contact with them. So I wouldn't take that lack of contact as much of anything. I don't think in such terms.

From my perspective, you are asking a Neurotypical question expecting a Neurotypical response. It just doesn't work that way....at least not for me. I consider real rejection only in the most literal terms. Being in an established relationship when someone actually leaves me.

 

[Cecile]

For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

Or, let say, your partner use to ask you a lot of questions about your interests -- and you enjoyed talking with them. But then you noticed that they stopped asking. What you dont know is that they stopped asking because you never asked them questions, and they felt like you didnt care. Not knowing that they stopped asking because their feelings were hurt, would you think that they stopped because they dont care about you anymore? And if they are quieter than normal, do you assume they are mad at you?

I know communication is important in both of these scenarios but lets say that neither party communicated and only "analyzed" the situation from their point of view. If both parties feel rejected in the relationship, I can see how it could easily end.

My Aspie ex wouldn't have felt rejected for those reasons. What made him feel "rejected" (or rather "hurt/not cared about") were mostly things that I said in the (real or virtual) presence of other (NT) friends/acquaintances, that he thought made him look bad (when they really didn't to any of us NTs in the situation). Also, when it was just him and me, if he was stressed out (by various things from work to a personal project of his), he was more likely, when in doubt about the meaning of something I had said, to interpret it as "against him" and react as if I had rejected him.

Examples:
- Once it was a question I had asked about suggestions he had made for a collective project we were all working on. To him, it was as if I had expressed criticism and was implying that his were bad suggestions, etc. (Which was neither my intent nor what was perceived by the others.)

- Once it was a tongue-in-cheek joke about always being glued to his smartphone. (We were all trying to remember some famous quote, I said he could look that up for us.) His friends would tease him a lot, and he wouldn't take offense. He was also very much into teasing me (even on sensitive subjects such as his "avoidance" in our relationship).

- Another time, he was revolted because a musical instrument was in bad shape after being made available in the public space for a community project. I had said something like "I get what you are saying. At the same time, I see that the people in charge were faced with X difficulty/uncontrollable circumstances...". Basically my position was it is a shame/not easy to prevent in these circumstances. He reacted as if I had told him he was wrong from A to Z, wasn't legitimate, made no sense. (Like an NT would have reacted if he had expressed pain/sadness and had been told: suck it up, I don't want to hear it, how you feel is irrelevant to me).

 

[pushpin]

I feel like if they are actually mad at me over something, then i'm the one in the wrong for not even noticing their feelings in the first place like i should have. Like others would have.

I just want to say that I hope that one day you will realize that you are not inherently the cause of anyone's feelings. Other people, just like we ourselves, are responsible for how they choose to both interpret a situation and deal with their emotions. Say someone is upset with you, perhaps yes, you directly contributed to their negative emotional state, but it is still their emotional state, and there is no reason for you to be fully responsible for it as it doesn't sound at all like you make other people feel responsible for your feelings of rejection, for instance.

 

[On the Inside]

I can handle the rejection of an end of a relationship, or someone saying we're not right for each other and not wanting to date anymore. I can understand that, it's logical and reasonable, move on.

What makes me feel rejected is being compared unfavorably to someone else. Even worse if it is phrased like "why aren't you like so- and-so" or, "Bimbo's husband does this for her" Had those, and it's the worst. It is being rejected but kept around for some other purpose I guess.

 

[Harrison]

As an NT, its very easy to feel rejected while in a relationship with an aspie, but do you often feel rejected as well? For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

Yes, and I did.

Or, let say, your partner use to ask you a lot of questions about your interests -- and you enjoyed talking with them. But then you noticed that they stopped asking. What you dont know is that they stopped asking because you never asked them questions, and they felt like you didnt care. Not knowing that they stopped asking because their feelings were hurt, would you think that they stopped because they dont care about you anymore? And if they are quieter than normal, do you assume they are mad at you?

Yes, and I did.

I know communication is important in both of these scenarios but lets say that neither party communicated and only "analyzed" the situation from their point of view. If both parties feel rejected in the relationship, I can see how it could easily end.

Exactly... and it did.

 

[Vinca]

As an NT, its very easy to feel rejected while in a relationship with an aspie, but do you often feel rejected as well? For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

Or, let say, your partner use to ask you a lot of questions about your interests -- and you enjoyed talking with them. But then you noticed that they stopped asking. What you dont know is that they stopped asking because you never asked them questions, and they felt like you didnt care. Not knowing that they stopped asking because their feelings were hurt, would you think that they stopped because they dont care about you anymore? And if they are quieter than normal, do you assume they are mad at you?

I know communication is important in both of these scenarios but lets say that neither party communicated and only "analyzed" the situation from their point of view. If both parties feel rejected in the relationship, I can see how it could easily end.

If I had asked for space, I wouldn't be conserned if they didn't contact me.

I have found myself thinking that someone might be mad at me when they don't behave the same way as usual. They probably weren't mad but when I notice a change in another persons behaviour my default is to assume something is wrong and that it's my fault.

I think sometimes the way a person interprets the actions of others can be faulty and they can percieve rejection where there is none.

 

[Ste11aeres]

As an NT, its very easy to feel rejected while in a relationship with an aspie, but do you often feel rejected as well? For example, let say you need "space" and your partner gives you space but also doesn't contact you during that time (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?

I might not take that as negative, but it would probably lead to the end of things. I would not know that they were waiting for me to make contact.

I once told my best friend we needed space. My plan was actually to just end things completely (there were some difficulties) (and I was torn up about the idea of ending things but thought it was what needed to be done.), yet when I talked to him, he seemed so convinced that we should still have some connection, that he convinced me, and I changed my mind to deciding that I just wanted space instead.

Within a few days he started emailing me. And then I realized, it was possible to continue our friendship. I am unendingly grateful to him for taking that initiative.

The fact of the matter is, even if I do ask for space, my real need for it will turn out to have been temporary. My need for space will be replaced by a need for the other person (assuming it's someone I care about, like my best friend). And I am so glad my friend took the initiative and brought himself back into my life.
There were past times when he wanted distance from me, and I ended up re-initiating. He seemed happy, after these periods, to be friends again.


And I'm horrible at asking questions. I don't ask them. BUt I might be sad if someone else who used to ask questions, stopped doing so.

 

[On the Inside]

So my NT partner was going away for a few days, and had said that the last time she was away, it was so nice to be by herself and not be bothered. She said it would be nice to not even get a phone call while she was gone. She needed space.

So she comes back and she's mad that I didn't even call to see that she had made it to her destination OK.

I've never even asked for space like that, and if I did, I would expect no calls, unless there was some emergency.

 

[Ste11aeres]

In regards to the question about someone's request for space, there is no one size fits all answer to this question. The right answer really depends on the specifics.
Does the question refer 1) to a request someone made recently, asking for space for a few days,
or does this refer 2) to being afraid to contact someone because of a request they made weeks or months ago?

If the question refers to 1) then, if the person is an Aspie, it's likely good to give them space for a few days
if the question refers to 2) then it's fine to go ahead and contact them again.


I'm guessing this question refers to the relationship you've created other threads about. If so, that places this question and the answer in a very very specific context-the context of a specific relationship. However, not all the answers on this thread are written in regards to that very specific context. So not all the answers will apply equally to your situation. Although some of them might sill help you understand Aspies better.

there's no one size fits all answer.

 

[AsheSkyler]

YES. Despite my general dislike of touching, I truly am a cuddle monster, and more often than not I want to cuddle and my husband does not. Not easy to deal with, but I respect his decision. It is easier when his back is hurting or something, then I get the feeling I am taking care of him by not glomping him.

So my NT partner was going away for a few days, and had said that the last time she was away, it was so nice to be by herself and not be bothered. She said it would be nice to not even get a phone call while she was gone. She needed space.

So she comes back and she's mad that I didn't even call to see that she had made it to her destination OK.

I've never even asked for space like that, and if I did, I would expect no calls, unless there was some emergency.

Hrm... Truth in television! This exact scenario has been covered many times by sitcoms with poor men taking their women literally at the wrong time. It would seem some women like to do the absolutely confounding act of saying the exact opposite of what they want in some kind of reverse psychology ploy that often turns into a mess. I guess make a note to always make sure she gets to where she's going regardless of any confusing thing she says?

 

[Harrison]

As a male I live by the following rules -

I am guilty of #7

 

[Plumeria]

Thanks for sharing everyone!

To answer your first question, no, I wouldn't take it as a negative because the person was giving me exactly what I asked for.

That makes sense BUT what if the aspie doesn't TELL you that they need space, what if they just withdraw and stop contacting you? In this scenario, I would wait for them to contact me. Once my ex aspie went through something stressful, I texted him something that didnt need a reply -- something supportive, and he didnt reply. I knew he was stressed so I waited for him to contact me. Four LONG days past and I finally texted him again and he told me "I havent heard from you in a few days." I told him I knew he was stressed and thought he wanted space since I didnt hear from him either, but I missed him! Question is, why didnt HE contact me if that's what he wanted? I got so confused! (Keep in mind, I didnt suspect AS until AFTER we broke up so during this scenario, I thought he was an NT). Now I know, next time, to ask him straight out if he needs space instead of assume it.

My best friend readily admits that if she's going through a rough time she will just stop talking to me, no explanation she'll just stop replying to my texts. Even knowing this i always take her silence as a decision in itself and won't contact her on my own until she does herself. To me, if she wanted to talk to me again she'd talk to me. Plus she's the one that chose not to talk to me in the first place.

This is what happened to me (mentioned in my reply above).

Rather than bluntly ask someone why they aren't talking to me (or whatever) like other people might I usually just analyze the situation for myself without asking them anything

This is one of the reasons I wrote this post, not so much for me but from what I've read in a lot of articles and posts…. A lot of aspies have mentioned that they don't usually ask questions to clarify things, they just analyze the situation and come up with a conclusion which is somehow, their fault. It got me thinking, if this is the case, then many times, you can be left with the feeling of rejection even if rejection was not the intent of your partner. I wanted some examples to help me be more sensitive to how I say things and to communicate better in the future.

If I had asked for space, I wouldn't be conserned if they didn't contact me.

What if you didnt ask for space and you just withdrew (unknowingly).

I think sometimes the way a person interprets the actions of others can be faulty and they can percieve rejection where there is none.

Exactly the reason why I created this thread

My need for space will be replaced by a need for the other person (assuming it's someone I care about, like my best friend). And I am so glad my friend took the initiative and brought himself back into my life.

So if your friend didnt take the initiative, would you?

So my NT partner was going away for a few days, and had said that the last time she was away, it was so nice to be by herself and not be bothered. She said it would be nice to not even get a phone call while she was gone. She needed space.

So she comes back and she's mad that I didn't even call to see that she had made it to her destination OK.

Everytime I went away on vacation or for work, my ex NEVER contacted me to see if I got there safely. I read in a book somewhere that this is common among aspies. NTs USUALLY check up -- it is a sign of caring and concern and will earn you BIG points.

'm guessing this question refers to the relationship you've created other threads about. If so, that places this question and the answer in a very very specific context-the context of a specific relationship. However, not all the answers on this thread are written in regards to that very specific context. So not all the answers will apply equally to your situation. Although some of them might sill help you understand Aspies better.

Hi Ste11aeres, my intent was not to get insight specifically to my situation but more to gain an understanding of things to be aware of and how to communicate better. I realize one of my biggest mistakes in my relationship was not verbalizing what I needed from him and that I assumed he wanted things without asking him. Again, I was always left confused because his actions and responses were not what I was used to from an NT male but now I know.

 

[pushpin]

Thanks for sharing everyone!

That makes sense BUT what if the aspie doesn't TELL you that they need space, what if they just withdraw and stop contacting you? In this scenario, I would wait for them to contact me. Once my ex aspie went through something stressful, I texted him something that didnt need a reply -- something supportive, and he didnt reply. I knew he was stressed so I waited for him to contact me. Four LONG days past and I finally texted him again and he told me "I havent heard from you in a few days." I told him I knew he was stressed and thought he wanted space since I didnt hear from him either, but I missed him! Question is, why didnt HE contact me if that's what he wanted? I got so confused! (Keep in mind, I didnt suspect AS until AFTER we broke up so during this scenario, I thought he was an NT). Now I know, next time, to ask him straight out if he needs space instead of assume it.

I guess it depends on how frequently you both need to speak to each other in order to both remain confident in the fact that the other still cares for you. For me, four days isn't long to go without contact. I wouldn't feel as though the other person was becoming disinterested or anything, unless I were very, very stressed myself and consequentially my perception was very off/paranoid.

It sounds as though you guys would speak daily. I say this because after 4 days, he said to you, "I haven't heard from you in a few days." Also, I say this because you believe that four days is long. This, to me, means that you guys had a routine of speaking to each other possibly daily. So, your not sending a text would have been a deviation from your standard behavior, and he picked up on that.

I don't really know if his observation on your not contacting him in a few days meant exactly that he wanted you to contact him. To me, it's just an observation. If I said that, it would just have been an observation. If I wanted to know why, I would ask why. If I had wanted someone to contact me, I would have probably just contacted them myself if we were already in a relationship. (Though, I might add that I grew up in New York and due to strong Jewish and Italian influences, the area is a place of fairly direct communication, depending on the situation of course, though I think I may be more direct than most.) But, again, I really don't know because I don't know him. So, please, treat everything I say as just guesses. I think a lot of this may be less about neurotype and more about individual needs and personality differences, though I do not know your full story as I have not read all your threads.

Also, maybe he read a book/article on dating. With my ex, I made a few decisions based upon things I read (if I was confused about how something should go, I'd just google it and read about how it is normally handled, etc.)

In the end though, my real answer to your question is that I have no idea. I hope you get over this guy soon, though, as you seem like a genuinely kind person, and I am sure that there are many other great guys who would be more than happy to be in a relationship with you.

 

[Vinca]

What if you didnt ask for space and you just withdrew (unknowingly).

I don't have an answer. It's an area I haven't successfully navigated within a romantic relationship. The only thing I can think that I would have found helpful is if my boyf and I had a pre-agreed sytem for how to handle the times when I needed space, including what was meant by the term 'space', what type of contact I would be happy with etc

 

[Plumeria]

I don't really know if his observation on your not contacting him in a few days meant exactly that he wanted you to contact him. To me, it's just an observation. If I said that, it would just have been an observation. If I wanted to know why, I would ask why. If I had wanted someone to contact me, I would have probably just contacted them myself if we were already in a relationship. (Though, I might add that I grew up in New York and due to strong Jewish and Italian influences, the area is a place of fairly direct communication, depending on the situation of course, though I think I may be more direct than most.)

Thanks pushpin. I wasn't really looking for an "answer" I was just throwing it out there as a scenario. You're right, his comment about not calling for a few days could of easily been an observation but that's whats confusing for me because in an NT world, usually a statement is not made in a conversation unless there is a reason for it. I guess it's "reading between the lines" … if someone says "You havent called in a few days", the "why" is implied, otherwise, why say it? If your partner says "You're wearing the green pants" then it means they have an opinion about the green pants. Etc. Anyway, I'm glad you mentioned that he could easily state observations that don't mean anything, I shouldn't assume and in the future I can ask him about a statement if I want to know why. Thanks again!

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Plumeria, (just waiting for you to initiate contact when you are ready). If you don't realize they are waiting for YOU to make contact, would you take that lack of contact as something negative?
If both parties feel rejected in the relationship, I can see how it could easily end.[/QUOTE]

Hi When looking back through the years of carnage, I can see that I may have hurt my self with (initiating issues). As a auspie I used to make the NTs haul all the water on contact and engagement. And expecting rejection too much, took any pull back on contact or engagement as rejection. But this fundamentally is unfair, as I pull back all the time, and expect them to not hold it against me, and they may be busy, have troubles, or just be expecting me to step up and show I value their friendship. So if the contact engagement thing is miss handled, both parties can end up feeling unvalued, and sitting alone in the dark. So I have decided that the only way to prevent, (accidental), loss of relations by misunderstandings, is to go the extra mile on engagement. And if the person shows a consistent pattern over time, of not valuing my efforts, I strike the colors and move on to a new friend. Not everyone is friend material, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, if you keep your line in the water. Same rule applies for love. Engage...engage...go fish some more.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Plumeria, [/QUOTE]

Hi so this is a Venus and Mars post, WARNING read at your own risk.

So she is tired of Waiting.
So SHE says valentines day is coming, I need to give him a little push.
So HE says my girl loves me, I'M THE MAN Yhea!
So SHE says honey I need some space.
So HE says (lots of bad words),followed by what a waist of time and money.
So SHE says I wonder how long it will take him to miss me and buy me a ring.
So HE says well at least I can watch the (bad word) game without being bothered.
So SHE says I wonder how big the diamond will be, I wonder if he will get a dozen roses too?
So HE says (bad word) I dropped a chip, HA! it missed the dog poop stain in the rug, crunch crunch, tastes fine.

So what SHE should have said, Honey don't you think you should get a ring for Valentines day?
So what HE would have said, Ring??.... when is Valentines day??
So what SHE would have said :-( two Fridays from when you buy me a ring!
So what he would have said..Ouch..Okay..okay just don't smack me sugarplum.
A real world Romantic Proposal brought to you by Maelstrom.
We love our girls even if we are stupid.