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Do people have too high of expectations on me for my dating situation?

JM33

New Member
I'm autistic and feel that I am not as good at dating because of it and have had bad luck overall. I met a woman and connected really well with her and it turns out she is also autistic which explains why the connection and communication has been much better.

But, some people I know do not feel good about the relationship, particularly my family, because of a 16 year age gap between me and her. We are both of legal age, so nothing illegal is going on. However, I finally found someone I really feel things are going well with and I don't feel I should just exit the relationship all because of an age gap alone.

It's like people expect me to just have more options lined up where I can just dump one, and find another one that I love just as much. And I assume in the ND dating world that people are more open minded to making compromises more on things like this, than an NT person would be?

But what do you think? Is it normal for people to be considerate about something like that, but if the relationship is good, no need to worry? Thank you very much for any opinions!
 
But, some people I know do not feel good about the relationship, particularly my family, because of a 16 year age gap between me and her.
Who's in this relationship? You or your family?

My mother and my girlfriend's mother both worked together to split up our relationship once. Admittedly we were only 17 at the time but 40 years later there is still no forgiveness, only anger and regret.
 
I have friends where she is 10 years older. At our age, that 10 years becomes noticeable, but for the most part they have had a wonderful and fulfilling life together. I think that ageing happens quickly both during the teen years and as one approaches the end of life.

One great disappointment was when I wanted to date a beautiful daughter of family friends. She was 5 years younger and her letters to me while I was in graduate school were bright spots in my life. My mother, the person who insulted me by voicing her thoughts that I was gay, told me that I was not to pursue her.

Do not listen to your family trying to put the kibosh on your relationship. Be assertive and advocate for your happiness. Enjoy your time with her and do not back out because of age. A good connection with another does not happen frequently, so you should relish your good luck.
 
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The few times I went against myself and let my family/others make decisions for me resulted in the biggest mistakes in my life.
You sound happy about this possible relationship, if she is too, go for it
 
The only validity in your family's concern might be that with an age gap, you should enjoy your relationship longer before taking more serious steps because there are things that are just harder to relate and adjust to. Age is only a number after all as long as it's legal basically.
Stand your ground and don't let your family boss you around. They aren't "you" and it's healthy to be your own person. May be easiest to say nothing and to try to avoid the topic and continue dating.
People only want what they want to see. Family is different since they actually care for you. However, these people who aren't trying to support you are either too immature or they are not good friends to keep around. "Run" from these people and look for new friends. It's none of their business even unless they've been friends with you for some time and you have a deeper friendship. It's not like your relationship affects them. if you were to hang out with them a lot less and not introduce your date to some of your friends with more time, that could give them "leverage" to complain. But otherwise, enjoy what you have.

What you said here is super accurate too sadly:
"It's like people expect me to just have more options lined up where I can just dump one, and find another one that I love just as much. And I assume in the ND dating world that people are more open minded to making compromises more on things like this, than an NT person would be?"
I think that unconsciously because you're NT, people might feel like you can't handle the differences. The fact that you can even express this mode of thought shows that you have some thought processes that are very mature and understanding the realities and what you have to deal with.

There could be other scenarios or things that give others enough reason to show concern about your dating situation such as maybe if good friends notice you don't save your money well or spend it too freely on others, but I have no reason to assume something like this could be the case right now.

Just focus on you and try to make it all work well!
 
My friend's parents are 16 years apart (husband older than wife). They've been together for 40 years something like that. It only became noticeable later in life when he was starting to slow down and she was still quite active. But it wasn't a problem.

I also know a couple that are 20 years apart (wife older than husband) and it works well for them.
 
To add, these people don't have high expectations. Actually, they have low expectations because:
1. They only want you to date who they think is okay
2. They don't trust that you can make and reason out your own decisions independently.
 
Oh okay thanks, and thank you for the input everyone! Well my parents keep telling me she is too high risk, because of her age, and having less money than me at her age, but do they have a point there? I have progressed much further with her so far, than any other attempt at a relationship, so is it likely high risk therefore, if it's going much better than usual?
 
For leaving or taking assets, since she is moving in with me soon, if she were to leave later.
 
I don't mean to be unkind, but with that expectation, I'm not sure that she is the problem in the relationship.

In my household, my wife and I are equal partners, because good relationships are founded on shared equity. There's a significant difference in what we each bring to the relationship and the lives we share, but the simple material aspects of it don't much count. If they did, there would be more owner/slave than partners.

Certainly harsh, but surely if you don't know her well enough to know what she would want to take out of the relationship given the chance to, you might not yet want to put that in. Or of course you could draw up your personal equivalent of a pre-nup, though they don't tend to make a solid foundation for relationships based on them. But I'm not sure that treating your partner as anything but the most important asset to you in the relationship is a good foundation either.

Is it possible that you've been listening to your family's thoughts and fears?
 

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