Do I have Aspergers ...(sorry I can’t write well)

[RainbowAura]

I don’t know if I have Aspergers but thought I’d write to see if anyone could understand or see if they can see any traits.

I grew up as an only child and didn’t think anything different of myself until kindergarten/daycare when I was rejected. I always felt “not enough” around other children and was rejected. I didn’t understand...

My family life was pretty poor and my only contact was my mother who has narcissistic traits and my cold, distant narc grandmother. My half siblings I saw at Christmas or Easter. They were far different than me and much older. I enjoyed my bicycle and felt I was in some other “world” on that bike. It was an escape.

I always had a sense of being different. I’d play alone. I’d look around in a perceptive state and see others playing and couldn’t understand why I had no one. I started to feel as if I was from another planet when I was about 8..9.. maybe earlier. Not in so many words but I knew something was up with how the world treated me and how others acted around me. I noticed when I was 15 I felt as if I wa looking on the inside (or outside?) to some space-like world. I felt detached and distant from what others “are”

No friends came to my house (except once when I was 7) and I couldn’t keep up with others. I was average in class without my mothers help. I wasn’t good at art, sport or maths or anything. When I was 6/7 I started to be bullied. In psycholoical, social and verbal ways. I gained weight when I was 8 and ballooned. I was always bigger but this is when I really got big. When I was 10 I noticed my teacher was sad and she was surprised how aware I was.

My toy interests were not abnormal. I leaned towards stuffed animals and small collectable type toys if I had to pick a favourite. I liked poetry when I was 12 and was into the spiritual side of things, especially the moon and stars and astrology. I began to have stuffed animal friends and still do to this day. Giving them voices and using them as comfort.

I felt I couldn’t relate to a single soul at school except in part my fake friend I had for several years. I always felt I couldn’t relate to the “worldly state” of this world. I felt I couldn’t relate to fashion, music..nothing of the “norm”.

I was not intelligent, in fact average and under average. (Not under selling myself). I felt misunderstood and abused but felt I could never do anything. I had severe (still do) social anxiety and was very..in fact super super very sheltered by my mother. My only family.

I couldn’t relate or watch “worldly adult programmes” which other kids/teens were watching like the O.C or other adult tv shows. I was watching Pokémon and Winx and other shows at 14/15. I was very “innocent”. I didn’t even know what sex really was until I was about 13. I had “girl crushes” on much older females. I didn’t crush on typical guys others did in teen magazines. My first celeb crush was when I was 17.

I’ve never had a boyfriend and haven’t had a friend since I was 13. I’m now nearly in my late 20’s.

I relate to several things here Females with Aspergers Syndrome Checklist by Samantha Craft

 

[Streetwise]

im like you !!!!but my mam(mom) wasnt a narc ,think she was nd -she tried to encourage me to socialise with a group ,at that time there was no information about high functioning autism ,I'd never heard of autism til late 1980s .
had sort of friends at school ,still couldn't be a friend -all I wanted was a family,I'm still the same ,can't do the usual welcome to autism forums I'm depressed ,triggered by somebody gossiping about me and somebody mocking me on Facebook . I only ever encourage people to sign petitions on Facebook or make a statement about environmental desecration.
i've also got an infection I've had for months ,wasn't diagnosed till mid 40s .
we were /I am still poor,if you've probably read descriptions of autism you would know whether you are ,all diagnosis really does is please bureaucrats ,they love their written written information ,what sickens me autism is still included as a psychological disorder but it is actually a development disorder !!!!but would autistic people complain about discrimination no we wouldn't .
did you have any speech delay when you were a very young child !that would give you a grasp on whether it was classic autism !very high functioning autism doesn't include speech delay ,we appear outwardly to socialise.

 

[Zoie]

I don't know, you sound like many victims of child abuse. They tend to have difficulties connecting with others, developing healthy interests or academic abilities, focusing and listening. It's common for them to feel different from others, to feel alone and completely detached. This is because children dissociate when they are trapped in the abusive clutch of their parents. When we cannot feel love or closeness from the very people who are supposed to love us, we feel empty. Kids typically don't recognize this feeling as depression, because they have essentially been depressed for their entire lives. Their narcissistic, cold, unloving psychologically abusive parents ensured that.

You sound a lot like my boyfriend. (On a side note, he has also expressed, like you: "being out the outside and wishing to be something"). I thought he might be autistic as well, because he displayed the same traits you referred to in your post. He's always had difficulty expressing himself, paying attention in school. He didn't make friends, or feel close to any of the fake ones he had. He said he felt different and realized he was different when he was 15. He had late interest in sex and didn't even find women attractive. He still doesn't, to my disappointment... I realize now he has felt empty his whole life because his mother never filled him with the love he deserved. He's not stupid, but he isn't good at anything and lacks curiosity, imagination, or the drive which intelligent people have. He's passive. Quiet. Agreeable. He is baffled by displays of authentic emotion, and unsure of how to react in the face of my emotions as well. He dissociated from emotion long ago...

He doesn't have difficulty looking at people or socializing. He also enjoys being the center of positive attention. He's not ashamed nor was he bullied much. If anything, he bullied others. But he doesn't feel close to anyone or anything...he is extremely forgetful. It's difficult for his brain to organize memories. Because nothing is worth remembering, or at least that's what his brain decided in the years of development. What reward was there? Good work and effort didn't spawn the love he needed so desperately, so the brain decided video games and reckless behavior were better rewards. And dissociation was the best survival mechanism.

He doesn't identify or relate with his emotions or the experiences of others. He has impaired weak empathy, because he was not able to connect with his mother.
This is what happens when mothers are unloving towards their children.
The child's emotional and social (I. E. feeling smarts and relationship smarts) development is arrested at a young age. They show limited interest or abilities, when it is not fostered in them by loving parents. Their identity is fractured, bits and pieces lost due to the extreme dissociation they must endure in order to survive the abuse. They consistently SENSE and are unconsciously AWARE of this "lost self", and may seek experience in early adulthood, hoping to find themselves. To find a self that is worth loving. (What they really are looking for, is closure. But if they aren't equipped to consciously cope with the trauma of being unloved by one's mother, then they won't. They will live in active denial of it and battle with chronic feelings of emptiness, I. E. DETACHMENT from the world and the people in it. Unless they face their true self, they will never find it.)

They don't understand healthy boundaries and are often codependent if they enter a relationship. They're emotionally abusive, and they get emotionally abused, and they think it's normal. They expect nothing more. They don't know how to love themselves or others.

I'm sorry, I do not mean to sound dismissive. I was also abused by a narcissistic mother who battled addiction and depression. It really is beyond describing to someone who has never experienced CHRONIC LOVE DEPRIVATION.
But I think, just based on what you've written, this is more likely what you're affected by - as opposed to an autism spectrum disorder.
Feeling disconnected from the world, having few close relationships, difficulties with academics and development of healthy interests, narrow or inflexible behaviors, delayed or impaired empathy, preferring to be alone or independent from others, recognizing from an early age "I am different from the others"...

These are overlapping signs of being a victim of child abuse, and being on the autism spectrum.

 

[Catana]

I don't really see any evidence of autism in your story. Judging by the number of posts and comments you've left in just two days, and their topics, I do see a lot of attention-seeking.

 

[RainbowAura]

I don't really see any evidence of autism in your story. Judging by the number of posts and comments you've left in just two days, and their topics, I do see a lot of attention-seeking.

That isn’t true at all

 

[tducey]

My advice is to seek out a doctor or psychologist, tell them your story and get them to diagnose you. It might be Autism/Aspergers but it's best to get a professional to diagnose you.