Do I contact (recent) Aspie ex?

[Funkymunchkin]

Hi,

My (now pretty sure aspie for oh so many reasons) now ex boyfriend ended it out the blue a few weeks ago after about 9 months together (and a long pre-existing friendship). He said it was triggered by our conversation not long before about our future plans (just ideas at this stage, one or both of us would have to move for us to be together long term). He said he couldn't see a future for us. Then said something like 'why can't I be normal, plan, have a future'. It transpired he has also been battling depression for at least a couple of years. But hasn't sought help for it and didn't plan to. He cried for hours about how he'd wanted it to work so badly, tried to make it perfect to fix it, I couldn't have done more. He admitted to hating himself.

The first 6 months had been really amazing but even then there was the odd moment where he'd shut down, curl in a ball at really emotional situations (struggles with discussing emotions with anyone full stop), freaks if you touched him unexpectedly (just on the shoulder even), doesn't get sarcasm or teasing, takes 'time outs' in purely social situations (where he's not talking work or music) and kind of over compensates, hides his face/eyes with hats/hoods a lot etc etc. None of this bothered me but this and so many other things he said now I've analysed have made me realise I've missed the blindingly obvious probable cause although I guess I'll never know for sure.

Then we went on a big romantic holiday and he from nowhere had a total meltdown, wouldn't touch me (even hug or whatever) and would flinch if I did him. It took at least a month for me to get from him that he hadn't gone off me (as I thought), but he went through phases like this, had ups and downs but it was nothing to do with me/us. I told him that I wasn't going anywhere and we'd figure this out together. He said that meant a lot to him. But I think this triggered the down/depression/not feeling normal also.

So I have kept out of contact since, devastated if truth be told. It felt like not a rejection of me but he panicked cause can't see a future for himself. It's hard for me to accept we're over. My question is, is there any point contacting him to see if we can work this out? Especially now I have a much better idea of where it's coming from. I'm so scared another rejection will break me though, I have been truly heartbroken without him.

 

[Yes I am]

To start I would like to tell you how sorry I am for what is happening to you.

I do not know your boyfriend and I can not claim to have the right answer to your question.

But I will tell you, how i see the situation. I'm autistic and I seem to have the same problem as your boyfriend. My relationship starts well but after a while I see no future with my boyfriends.

Today I understand better why.

I suffer from alexithymia. A very high percentage of autistic people are affected by this condition and some of them are not even aware. (found out a month ago)

it is an emotional identification problem. For simplicity, I can not understand my own emotions. So I need a lot of time to realise if a relationship will work or not and unfortunately I always end up skinning my lovers.

I now you probably dislike my answer, but i felt I had to tell you, that this is a possible cause.

The simple fact that he cries, directs me towards this explanation since I reacted exactly in the same way as soon as I realized that I was not with the right person and did not see any future.

We know we are hurting people and it puts us in an extremely difficult position and we end up crying for both.

I finish by telling you that I am extremely sorry for the sadness you are experiencing ...

I wish you the best.

 

[Ambi]

I am going to break this down logically. This is what you've asked. If in reality you were asking something else that wasn't actually written out but was supposed to be implied, well, I don't see stuff like that.

You want to know if you should contact this person. The dilemma is that a) if you get back together, that could be nice for you; but b) if he rejects you, you think you can't deal with the pain of the rejection.

I do not have a crystal ball - I cannot predict the outcome for you. Nor can you. You can't find out what would happen without just contacting him again. That's the only way to get any kind of answer. And there is a chance that he will reject you. IF you can't deal with the chance that he might reject you, then do not contact him again, since there would be a chance that he would reject you. If you find you can make yourself be strong enough to deal with the chance of rejection at some time in the future, then try contacting him.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Suggest that if you do contact him you do it in writing and explain you're willing to work with him if he wants to try and work things out.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I have written to him in an email that I've still not sent as if I do, it will allow him time to process. I appreciate the advice LucyPurrs.

Ambi - happy birthday! Yes you're totally right that's what I'm asking. I guess I wonder if I'm giving myself false hope by thinking we've a chance and I'm trying to work out what the response might be before I risk it. But you never know until you ask. If I'm strong enough... not sure.

Yes I am - thank you for your words. I have not come across that so I will definitely look into it more. It came across that he couldn't cope with change (even indefinitely postponing things in his own life) and that he was beating himself up so much about not being 'perfect' (and had gone to such lengths to spoil me over Christmas, wanted me spending lots of time getting to know his family etc and this was only days before break up) plus the touch issues preventing intimacy were clearly impacting him a lot. So I assumed his reasons were change/not being good enough but if I read up on alexithymia that may give me a whole new perspective.

 

[Jane Smith]

First of all, you sound like an awesome human being and I think it's very big of you to try and learn about the situation.

Second of all, I don't think contacting him is a bad idea. Just have realistic expectations of how he will respond. It looks like commitment is an issue, so when you contact him, maybe give him plenty of space. Say "I wanted to reach out and talk about our relationship. However, I understand if you are not ready to do that. If you want to talk to me, I will always be here for you."

He may not be respond quickly, or in a very communicative way. Putting the option our there though, may be helpful, and he may even be willing to talk in the future. When that'll be, I don't know. You trying though, is good--if anything for yourself.

It doesn't sound like you feel rejected, but you're a human being. So, it makes sense for you to be upset right now. Love yourself and give yourself time. Even if this doesn't work out, it's okay. You're still a wise, kind friend.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

First of all, you sound like an awesome human being and I think it's very big of you to try and learn about the situation.

Second of all, I don't think contacting him is a bad idea. Just have realistic expectations of how he will respond. It looks like commitment is an issue, so when you contact him, maybe give him plenty of space. Say "I wanted to reach out and talk about our relationship. However, I understand if you are not ready to do that. If you want to talk to me, I will always be here for you."

He may not be respond quickly, or in a very communicative way. Putting the option our there though, may be helpful, and he may even be willing to talk in the future. When that'll be, I don't know. You trying though, is good--if anything for yourself.

It doesn't sound like you feel rejected, but you're a human being. So, it makes sense for you to be upset right now. Love yourself and give yourself time. Even if this doesn't work out, it's okay. You're still a wise, kind friend.

Thank you so much for your lovely words, they meant so much to me, especially as I've been going through such a tough time lately. I did end up contacting him. I felt we had been friends for so many years, and then together of course, ending it so abruptly on one phone call just seemed so wrong. I emailed him 2 weeks ago, using advice from this forum and others and trying to stay compassionate as well as truthful. You are right that commitment is an issue so I do not hold out much hope. And (not unexpectedly) I have not heard back. In fact, the total silence and lack of acknowledgement (which he would consider rude) makes me think I have probably hit close to the truth and given him a lot to process. In the email I was clear I wanted to give him time to do that.

Honestly, I am with you, I may never hear. But if in 6 months time he gets help for his depression and from there his deeper issues and this has contributed in some way, then some good has come out of this horrid time.

I can't help but feel rejected but more so it's grief, I'm mourning him as my partner and old friend, I am mourning our future. Well all the usual break up stuff. And this seems like such a sad ending. And an unnecessary one. I hope at some point it gets easier. I have never been heartbroken before. Thank you again for getting in touch, it means so much.

 

[Dorkasour]

Funkymunchkin,

Please do keep us updated , I am so sorry you're experiencing this heartbreak. It sounds very painful for you and him as well. I do hope that he comes around.

 

[Judge]

I'd be inclined to think that if there's any chance of rekindling your relationship, that under such circumstances it's entirely up to him.

However that said, it would seem terribly unfair for you to just sit and wait for a phone call or other communication that may never happen.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Funkymunchkin,

Please do keep us updated , I am so sorry you're experiencing this heartbreak. It sounds very painful for you and him as well. I do hope that he comes around.

Well rather unexpectedly I had a message late last night, using his pet name for me, thanking me for my 'wonderful email' and saying he'd tried to reply but couldn't do it justice and that he was sorry. He said he was doing a lot better but from what he said that actually that seems because he's just avoiding it so back in his comfort zone. I have not replied as honestly, it felt a bit weird and formal. Like a friend telling me they'd got over a cold. I guess he'd like to be friends but as I still feel more I don't think I'm strong enough yet.

 

[Dorkasour]

Well rather unexpectedly I had a message late last night, using his pet name for me, thanking me for my 'wonderful email' and saying he'd tried to reply but couldn't do it justice and that he was sorry. He said he was doing a lot better but from what he said that actually that seems because he's just avoiding it so back in his comfort zone. I have not replied as honestly, it felt a bit weird and formal. Like a friend telling me they'd got over a cold. I guess he'd like to be friends but as I still feel more I don't think I'm strong enough yet.

Maybe you need space too? Maybe stepping away from the situation will give you space to heal and figure out what you want and even if that means not being friends?

I am sorry your going through so much.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Thank you, that's kind. I am sure I am meant to just walk away to heal and move on. I find that easier to say than do and I just wish I didn't miss him so much. I am so miserable without him and it's been 3 months now. I get panicky at the the thought that's it, we will never be in each other's lives. But it hurts so much that he broke up with me I would struggle with just friends right now. Feel like I can't win really, I know there's no good answer, just trying to learn to live without him even if that is a shadow of my life from before.

 

[Dorkasour]

I understand. I have been deeply in love with someone for 2 years. I've been friends with them this entire time, or so I think. Hah....I asked him if we were friends or colleagues and he rushed to say colleague. I was kind of heartbroken that I couldn't even be friends with him but oddly enough a few days later he e-mailed me and said that he rethought it over and he felt good about our current relationship; whatever it is.

He doesn't know I love him and I is heart wrenching to hang out with him. I am not ready to tell him and it is very painful. Sometimes I want to completely break it off.

That's why I suggested maybe taking a break because it's something I had to force myself to do to give me perspective and not do something incredibly stupid.

 

[Mary 1]

Hi
I couldn't resist but not to tell you about very similar experience I had recently. My AS was a lovely man...we dated since January and I thought I am his world and he is mine. However, after the best day we ever had, he had his meltdown (he said "cold") and he shut down completely. I was dragging him out of It, his depression etc.... Finally he agreed to meet up and he changed his mind two hours before we were supposed to meet.
I think you should just move on....sorry it is painful...I felt the same...I was heartbroken and thought my world is falling apart. NO POINT. He didn't want any help (still doesn't want), doesn't like talking to professionals etc. I really loved him but I am not going to sacrifice my own sanity because of him. I can't tell you how stressed I was waiting for his email and what he will say.
I really emphatise with people who have AS and working in health services myself even more. But if the person is not willing to put a bit of effort for both of us to make relationship works there is no point continuing. Just accept it for your own sake.

I had some lovely comments and advices here on this website and I am ever so grateful for their time to talk to me. It made me realise how much I wanted to understand my ex BF that I joined thus site.

So, all and all....please look after yourself and I hope you make the right decision that will make you happy. That is the most important thing.

Mary X

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Thank you so much Mary for your kind words and very good advice. This and something Judge said on another break up thread really spoke to me. Judge's other piece of advice referred to the need for solitude. The break up came off the back of spending a lot more time together - in a hotel room/his small flat/with his family/my friends etc. If I had known then what I know now I would have sent him off solo or gone off myself sometimes (which doesn't actually bother me, just wouldn't have known to do that and he didn't say). No wonder he freaked at the thought of living together...

Anyway, your last post above says it all doesn't it, if he won't face it himself that's it really. I did not respond. If one day I can heal enough to be the good friends we once were then I will but right now, he is in avoidance and I would have to pretend all's OK for us to be friends and I never was a good liar!

He would no doubt say he put a lot of effort in and he did. But it was all on avoiding the real issues so destined to fail. He acknowledges depression pre-dating me by some way, plus the touch issues from childhood. He is highly intelligent, kind and knows he's hurt me which upsets me. But he's still sticking his head and basically retreating into an obsession (so of course feels better...until next time he tries to have an intimate relationship). If he is not willing to really address any of the above even for himself, then there's no hope really. Who knows if he ever will but I know I can only fight my own demons (now, sadness, loss of old friend/partner/future I thought we had together, struggling with trust etc) and he is responsible for his.

I veer between anger at his avoidance but also deep sadness for him as it's causing him misery and depression. Trying so hard to move forward and accept the loneliness and a life that bit sadder.

I'm so sorry you've had such a similar experience. I really feel for you and I so hope you are starting to heal yourself. The lovely comments and advice from people like yourself have helped me feel like I'm not going crazy here. I can at least understand what happened. Take care of you xx

 

[Mary 1]

Hi

I am glad my advice helped you and I truly hope that you will find your piece and true love one day. Look after yourself and be positive.

Best wishes

Mary x