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Do any of you have trouble making friends not online but in everywhere real life?

A

Amethystgirl

Well-Known Member
I can't usually make new friends in real life anywhere. I want to make friends at a cool volunteer job I go to but I'm afraid of rejection and being humiliated and being kicked out of the job if people think I'm bugging them. I had a similar experience more than 10 years ago and I tried to be friends with someone at different volunteer job and it briefly worked out ok but this woman was depressed and couldn't see me again and I was pushy about it and she didn't like that. I wouldn't do that again but I'm still to nervous to try to make friends at jobs or groups because I don't want problems happening.
 
Online is certainly a lot easier. I can read and slowly digest what someone is about (mostly). In person, it's this apprehensive back and forth feeling that I might look or sound stupid, or that I might come across as such instead.
 
Social anxiety is a major impediment to making friends, which is why many people with social anxiety end up lonely and depressed. If you want friends, you're going to have to overcome it. Here's what helped me:

1. Make a list of social interactions that cause anxiety. Then, rate them on a scale from 1 (least anxiety) to 10 (most anxiety). Start with the item you think will cause you the least anxiety, which might be to just smile and say hello. Keep doing it and it will become easier. Then, go to the next item on the list. Many things are hard at first but I found that the more I do something, the easier it becomes. If you want to learn more, what I described is called gradual exposure therapy (GET). It's a very effective treatment for social anxiety.

2. Challenge your beliefs
You're right to be concerned about negative reactions from others. You might get rejected or even humiliated. However, while it will hurt your feelings, will it actually harm you? If you approach people, you may get accepted and be better off. If you get rejected, won't you just be in the same situation you are now once the hurt feelings pass? As far as job loss, it is much less likely. If you want to be happy and have friends, you'll have to take the risk. Let's suppose the worst happens and you lose your job. Would you be able to find another job? I've found that it's possible to recover from almost anything. If you need help changing your beliefs, there are good self-help books about how to use CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to treat social anxiety. CBT and GET are two of the most effective treatments for social anxiety.
 
Relatable. My Mama and our pets I would consider friends, but I don't have anything near to being a friend from among my peers. I don't have a lot of social media either. People I frequently talk to here on the forum are as close to having even online friends.
 
I did say "probably", but I apologize if I hurt your feelings or offended you somehow. I was simply attempting to be encouraging.
 
Amethystgirl said:
I can't usually make new friends in real life anywhere. I want to make friends at a cool volunteer job I go to but I'm afraid of rejection and being humiliated and being kicked out of the job if people think I'm bugging them. I had a similar experience more than 10 years ago and I tried to be friends with someone at different volunteer job and it briefly worked out ok but this woman was depressed and couldn't see me again and I was pushy about it and she didn't like that. I wouldn't do that again but I'm still to nervous to try to make friends at jobs or groups because I don't want problems happening.
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It really depends upon what you consider "a friend". For myself, the only true "friend" I have is my wife. Everyone else, family, co-workers, etc I would consider "good acquaintances"...people where there is a mutual friendly relationship with but probably not going to spend time with, seek each other out, or communicate outside of that relationship. Now, I can get along great with nearly everyone on Autism Forums, even have a Personal Message relationship that I enjoy discussing topics with...but personally, because I don't have an in real life (IRL) relationship with these individuals...and not intended to insult, but it doesn't fall under the category of a "friend" in my mind. Again, that's my personal interpretation.

Friends, amongst other things, require reciprocity, commonality, and a desire to interact with each other.

This is comedy, but illustrates somewhat what I am talking about. "Am I your best friend?"
 
@ Amethystgirl,
My personal take on this conundrum is that if you are hesitant or withdrawn, others will pick up on that. Then, you've pretty much sealed your fate. There's no way a connection could be made under those circumstances. People, in general, are attracted to positivity in both their willingness to interact, plus what they say and do around others.

If you allow your intellectual walls to exist out of fear of emotional harm, people will put up their own walls, and there you have it. You're done.

Knowing this, you now have to mask your fears when dealing with other people. You have to let people in. Are you going to be 100% successful even when being the most generous, kind, outgoing person? No, but the odds are that you will be successful with some, and frankly, I'd rather have a 1 or 2 good friends than 10 or 20 good acquaintances.
 
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I know I don't have a good chance of making in person friends. I will stay the way I am. I have a few in person friends but I don't see these friends every day.
 
Metalhead said:
Most people have only one or two good friends and some acquaintances. It's not just an ASD thing.
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Yes. It does seem more common these days...though I'm sure there are a great many things we could speculate on in terms of cause and effect.
 
My point is I know I don't have a good chance of making in person friends. I will stay the way I am. I have a few in person friends but I don't see these friends every day. I'm really afraid to ask people to be friends. I feel people will likely say no to me and I don't like rejection because it has happened to me too times before.
 
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Amethystgirl said:
I can't usually make new friends in real life anywhere. I want to make friends at a cool volunteer job I go to but I'm afraid of rejection and being humiliated and being kicked out of the job if people think I'm bugging them. I had a similar experience more than 10 years ago and I tried to be friends with someone at different volunteer job and it briefly worked out ok but this woman was depressed and couldn't see me again and I was pushy about it and she didn't like that. I wouldn't do that again but I'm still to nervous to try to make friends at jobs or groups because I don't want problems happening.
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I have no friends (as I understand the concept). The closest thing I have to friends is right her on this forum. For some reason the part of my brain that controls or allows for human bonding either is not there or never developed.
 
I find it very hard to make friends. I constantly have my guard up around most people. I'm always expecting the worst from people due to my own issues and due to being treated horribly in the past. I find it hard to trust people enough to open up to them. Everything about having people again in my life seems incredibly scary.
 
I retired lost a few friends as the passed, The main reason I joined this forum, find others like myself. looks like it worked. I like a lot of people here, more so than what I was used to previously. Do not have to deal with the gossip and small talk. Weirdest part here, cannot always tell sex of who is here. at least I can not.
 
Ronald Zeeman said:
I retired lost a few friends as the passed, The main reason I joined this forum, find others like myself. looks like it worked. I like a lot of people here, more so than what I was used to previously. Do not have to deal with the gossip and small talk. Weirdest part here, cannot always tell sex of who is here. at least I can not.
Click to expand...
I think personality differences between men and women are often less drastic in neurodivergent people such that an individual might actually have more in common with a fellow neurodivergent individual even if their genders are opposite than they do with neurotypicals even if they are the same gender.
 
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