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Disposable Friends?
- Thread starter Aspychata
- Start date
Thank you. This happens alot to us l think.
Jeepcarpenter
Well-Known Member
I apologize, I thought Ghosting was when someone randomly stopped responding or acknowledging you until a later time (if ever)… if that is correct, I don’t understand how that is happening when you meet, I just keep picturing someone ignoring you outright as they talk to someone else nearby..
In either case, agreed that it probably happens quite commonly for ASD’ers but find it’s more just certain people rather than specific types, and is fairly common place overall..
I’m quite horrible for not answering people when I am stuck in my ‘waiting to feel better and get doing something, anything’ mode.. and yep, ruined a lot of relationships either doing that, or the opposite and bringing them into my world…
I don’t stress much over it these days, the people that care will be there for me, the people that don’t obviously know we don’t need to waste energy on each other, I’d far rather pour energy into those I know will help me in return or help others going forward.
In either case, agreed that it probably happens quite commonly for ASD’ers but find it’s more just certain people rather than specific types, and is fairly common place overall..
I’m quite horrible for not answering people when I am stuck in my ‘waiting to feel better and get doing something, anything’ mode.. and yep, ruined a lot of relationships either doing that, or the opposite and bringing them into my world…
I don’t stress much over it these days, the people that care will be there for me, the people that don’t obviously know we don’t need to waste energy on each other, I’d far rather pour energy into those I know will help me in return or help others going forward.
Jeepcarpenter
Well-Known Member
I’m awaiting to know, curiosity is so entangling..
Pretty sure my first conception is wrong.. starting to feel it may be someone acting too good/cool to be associated to you at first, then later seeming like they were actually enamoured by you? Which I thought at first.. but the. Thought it kinda seemed narcissistic, figured it was my anxiety and dropped it..
Coming back around I can see it maybe as more their own pride getting in the way of a good thing.. but I’m still grasping at straws trying to conceive the actual situation represented.. don’t mind me.
Pretty sure my first conception is wrong.. starting to feel it may be someone acting too good/cool to be associated to you at first, then later seeming like they were actually enamoured by you? Which I thought at first.. but the. Thought it kinda seemed narcissistic, figured it was my anxiety and dropped it..
Coming back around I can see it maybe as more their own pride getting in the way of a good thing.. but I’m still grasping at straws trying to conceive the actual situation represented.. don’t mind me.
@Aspychata, then that is what I would call an acquaintance,...not a friend.
There's a big difference between the two.
To be a friend requires a fair amount of mental energy and consistency to maintain the relationship.
There's a big difference between the two.
To be a friend requires a fair amount of mental energy and consistency to maintain the relationship.
Its quite common. Its called mirroring when its done unconsciously, but can be done in purpose to seduce or apear friendlier. In those cases it becomes a way to manipulate. Some manipulations are socialy accepted, like when a seller manipulate clients to increase their sales or bosses manipulate their workers so they are happier and more productive. Psicopaths also do that, but at another level. So yes, its quite common and a must handle when working at a company.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirroring
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing
https://www.quora.com/Psychopaths-w...hare=99a191d2&srid=gkhvM&target_type=question
I hope they did not hurt you too much.
Storm Hess
Permanent Spaceman
Yes, I had plenty of experience with people like that. Now, I think everyone lies to me and I don't trust anyone.
I guess they are not friends, or never were, friendship requires reciprocation.
I mean ghosting that they had already committed to not being a true friend. They said they were a friend but they told lies that endangered your well-being when they could have not said anything at all. I didn't understand how angry this made me. Last nite l had to confront them with this lie. And this came from someone who said they hated liars. So does that give you carte blanche to lie? On the first phone calls, it was l hate hate liars is all this person said. I think that's why l have been so upset. They say their memory is bad but to lie is more of don't lie period.
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I am too blunt and have made poor friendship selection decisions.
Result: A friendship can be moving along at a decent speed, and them bam!
With myself where I believe I have found a friendship in the budding stage, here is what happens: The person behaves as if they are a victim. They are unhappy with their circumstances, and I say, well then change it.
Husband warns me not to be blunt or attempt to fall for help me situations in friendships.
An example: One person was unhappy as she was overweight. Nothing health wise was driving that, only her eating habits. I said Ok... nutrition is my special interest, and something I am well skilled with, would you like help? Oh yes, thank you was the response. I made suggestions which were put in place, everything from juicing, eating, and self perception positives. All were accepted. When they didn't follow through, I called them out on it.
Bam, relationship done.
I have had challenges and have put my foot down. So really, it is beyond me that someone receiving more than adequate support, both physically and mentally, cannot do that same. I even ordered the juicer for that person.
I like strong friends. I have stayed clear from un-empowered souls since those backfires.
Whose fault, were these past failures? Mine! I knowingly did the same thing again and again, treating these hurt people like I would my dogs. (I treat dogs very well, and care for them lol) Unlike dogs they don't soak up the help and love, but rather they bite when they become lost in their mind!
If you want a friend, get a dog, or if lucky, an empowered individual. Good luck on that second and finding a click of chemistry in that people type of relationship. Humans love to pity, excuse, and sabotage themselves eh?
Result: A friendship can be moving along at a decent speed, and them bam!
With myself where I believe I have found a friendship in the budding stage, here is what happens: The person behaves as if they are a victim. They are unhappy with their circumstances, and I say, well then change it.
Husband warns me not to be blunt or attempt to fall for help me situations in friendships.
An example: One person was unhappy as she was overweight. Nothing health wise was driving that, only her eating habits. I said Ok... nutrition is my special interest, and something I am well skilled with, would you like help? Oh yes, thank you was the response. I made suggestions which were put in place, everything from juicing, eating, and self perception positives. All were accepted. When they didn't follow through, I called them out on it.
Bam, relationship done.
I have had challenges and have put my foot down. So really, it is beyond me that someone receiving more than adequate support, both physically and mentally, cannot do that same. I even ordered the juicer for that person.
I like strong friends. I have stayed clear from un-empowered souls since those backfires.
Whose fault, were these past failures? Mine! I knowingly did the same thing again and again, treating these hurt people like I would my dogs. (I treat dogs very well, and care for them lol) Unlike dogs they don't soak up the help and love, but rather they bite when they become lost in their mind!
If you want a friend, get a dog, or if lucky, an empowered individual. Good luck on that second and finding a click of chemistry in that people type of relationship. Humans love to pity, excuse, and sabotage themselves eh?
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Jeepcarpenter
Well-Known Member
Ok I understood the mirroring that Atrapa brought up, but from what you just described.. I’ve been lucky to only experience on minor levels, in the race of youths social politics…. I can’t imagine the despicable intent someone would have later in life to do so, going out of their way to do so…
Very sorry that you had to experience this, I hope that you can get past such a nauseating and horrid experience still having faith in decent people out there.
Very sorry that you had to experience this, I hope that you can get past such a nauseating and horrid experience still having faith in decent people out there.
The Lorax
Well-Known Member
People stop talking to you because they don't want to for whatever reason. Confrontations makes them feel uncomfortable. Even a change in social status can cause this.
It is very hard for people to say "please don't call me anymore I don't want to hang out anymore". It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. In NT world eventually the other NT understands why they are being ghosted and move on. That is the unspoken social order.
It is that simple.
Here is my rule when I was dating. If I went out on a date and things seemed to be ok I'd call the girl 3x. On the last time I would politely leave a message saying "This is the 3rd and final time I will leave you a message. I will assume you have no interest in me and I won't bother you anymore making you feel uncomfortable."
That was it. 3x is just enough for two mishaps which has happened to me.
So keep that static rule of 3 texts, 3 calls, 3 smoke signals and you will be fine. After the 3rd just let it go. You don't even need a polite message like I left. Just assume you are dust in the wind like the song.
It is very hard for people to say "please don't call me anymore I don't want to hang out anymore". It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. In NT world eventually the other NT understands why they are being ghosted and move on. That is the unspoken social order.
It is that simple.
Here is my rule when I was dating. If I went out on a date and things seemed to be ok I'd call the girl 3x. On the last time I would politely leave a message saying "This is the 3rd and final time I will leave you a message. I will assume you have no interest in me and I won't bother you anymore making you feel uncomfortable."
That was it. 3x is just enough for two mishaps which has happened to me.
So keep that static rule of 3 texts, 3 calls, 3 smoke signals and you will be fine. After the 3rd just let it go. You don't even need a polite message like I left. Just assume you are dust in the wind like the song.
I guess my habit of pushing myself away from others really doesn’t help me with establishing relationships Either. I don’t mean to do this intentionally as it’s a means to protect myself from something bad happening, or if a relationship starts to be quite quick, difficult to process so I throw that wall up to try to process but I guess it’s thought I’m ghosting but I’m not doing it intentionally.I also have let my walls down and overhshared, over trusted and all and end up being hurt in some way. I think it’s one of the reasons why I’m currently trying to work on myself and im afraid of opening up to friendships with people because it’s becoming a problem. And I don’t mean to make others upset but I don’t want to be upset or confused or anything either. I seem to be very complicated. 
The Lorax
Well-Known Member
@Owliet - yea feelings are tough especially when you are young. All those chemicals running in your body. Then you have the autism which everyone knows comes usually comes with other issues like anxiety and depression that can send your emotions into an illogical loop. My aspie wife has major depressive disorder. She does things that make absolutely zero sense to me but I understand it is part of the depression. She is a brilliant woman and knows exercise is one of the best things for depression and refuses to do it no matter what. I even offered to join her for yoga, dancing lessons, anything to get her moving and she won't.
@phantom - yes they do that too but that is way less often from my experience. Those are people who have a very high "agreeableness" score on the big 6 personality traits and do not like confrontation. So they hope you get the message.
What I can say from all the places I lived that most of the country is polite and indirect. Only in the Northeast or in Southeast Florida (Miami and +1-2 hours north) people are up front and direct. There is mostly no sugar coating there. We are all rude but you know where you stand. So if you like the cold go to NY or one of those states. If you like the heat go to Florida.
@phantom - yes they do that too but that is way less often from my experience. Those are people who have a very high "agreeableness" score on the big 6 personality traits and do not like confrontation. So they hope you get the message.
What I can say from all the places I lived that most of the country is polite and indirect. Only in the Northeast or in Southeast Florida (Miami and +1-2 hours north) people are up front and direct. There is mostly no sugar coating there. We are all rude but you know where you stand. So if you like the cold go to NY or one of those states. If you like the heat go to Florida.
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