imissmyaspieman
Member
I am new to the forum and looking for advice about how to manage a devasting breakup that happened almost 5 months ago. Of course, it happened unexpectedly and coldly and he never spoke to me again - after a year and half of being completely happy together. I told him upfront on our first date that I was dating for marriage and not for fun. He is divorced and told me he would like to remarry and was looking for the one. I thought we were soulmates and I couldn't believe how incredibly happy I was - he was the BEST. We both have kids and took a family vacation together last year (something I would never do with someone I wasn't dead sure I would be with forever). He and I took many amazing trips together and were inseparable - we spoke every single day sometimes for hours. He was my rock and was there for me when I needed him. I wanted the relationship to move to the next level and was becoming frustrated that there weren't any signs or any communication whatsoever of merging our lives. There was something off that I couldn't quite put my finger on so when I clumsily expressed that I was frustrated, he dumped me cold. I was in complete physical and emotional shock and I have been in such a dark place since then - just buried in pain and bewilderment. Right after the breakup, my cousin came over and sat me on the couch and said I have to tell you this, "he is on the spectrum - I don't know where exactly on it but I know for sure and this is total autistic behavior." I realized that the Asperger signs were always right in front of my face and I was surprised I hadn’t realized it before (he's an engineering genius, obsessed with a hobby, quirky social skills (I loved this), cannot be touched lightly, had an angry side he often spoke of (although not with me), etc. And of course, this breakup and the manner in which he did it.
I immediately started soaking up everything I could get my hands on like books, reading countless stories of NT/AS couples like us, and asking God and Google every day how to make our relationship work. At first I was filled with a great sense of relief, understanding, and hope. Months kept passing and I stayed focused on giving him space and on understand Asperger's for when he would eventually return to me. He watches literally everything I do on social media and I took it as a sign that he missed me so I kept up hope and kept giving him space. I sent him an email 7 days ago asking to reconnect and told him I miss him and love him still. He replied the next day that getting back together was not something he wanted and wished me luck finding someone who can give me the love and attention I deserve. This threw me into a black hole all over again.
Now, the more I know about NT/AS breakups the less hope I have. I might be approaching the bitterness and angry stage of the grief cycle because I am pissed. I feel duped. I feel like I was in a match that was rigged from the start. I misinterpreted and internalized so many nuances that I could have understood, respected, and compromised on had I been aware he had Asperger's. There is no power in not knowing what you don’t know. Now I am left drowning in heartbreak and finding out that he doesn't care whatsoever, doesn't want to be together, and tells me I deserve someone else.
I know this is long winded but I am so lost as to what to do. Does anyone think it's a good idea if I ask him this - I feel like I deserve to know but I understand that's just how "I feel" and it may drive him further away: (a) do you not know you have Asperger's, (b) did you know and chose not to tell me when we started dating and got serious or, (c) did you likely know -or had a strong feeling- but worked so hard to mask it that you thought it didn’t impact the relationship.
Thank you and please understand this is coming from the most sincere desire to fix my relationship and I'm devastated that the chances are likely <1%.
I immediately started soaking up everything I could get my hands on like books, reading countless stories of NT/AS couples like us, and asking God and Google every day how to make our relationship work. At first I was filled with a great sense of relief, understanding, and hope. Months kept passing and I stayed focused on giving him space and on understand Asperger's for when he would eventually return to me. He watches literally everything I do on social media and I took it as a sign that he missed me so I kept up hope and kept giving him space. I sent him an email 7 days ago asking to reconnect and told him I miss him and love him still. He replied the next day that getting back together was not something he wanted and wished me luck finding someone who can give me the love and attention I deserve. This threw me into a black hole all over again.
Now, the more I know about NT/AS breakups the less hope I have. I might be approaching the bitterness and angry stage of the grief cycle because I am pissed. I feel duped. I feel like I was in a match that was rigged from the start. I misinterpreted and internalized so many nuances that I could have understood, respected, and compromised on had I been aware he had Asperger's. There is no power in not knowing what you don’t know. Now I am left drowning in heartbreak and finding out that he doesn't care whatsoever, doesn't want to be together, and tells me I deserve someone else.
I know this is long winded but I am so lost as to what to do. Does anyone think it's a good idea if I ask him this - I feel like I deserve to know but I understand that's just how "I feel" and it may drive him further away: (a) do you not know you have Asperger's, (b) did you know and chose not to tell me when we started dating and got serious or, (c) did you likely know -or had a strong feeling- but worked so hard to mask it that you thought it didn’t impact the relationship.
Thank you and please understand this is coming from the most sincere desire to fix my relationship and I'm devastated that the chances are likely <1%.