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Depression: realising that i’m not as attractive or as gifted as I thought I was

F

Frostee

Well-Known Member
I love my mother so much. I am not blaming her for my depression but her actions has contributed towards me coming into this mood.

I am an individual who has always had very high aspirations. My dream job is to be an airline pilot - and I have got to experience some of that in my fathers plane, but I do wonder if i’ll ever get that far given the cost.

Growing up, my mother constantly praised me for my looks. I used to notice that no one fancied me or ever praised my looks outside the home. From all of this praise from my mother I started to think that I was about a 6/7 looks wise. However, as i’ve aged and looked at myself i’ve thought “maybe you are just average”. That must be true because I only have 12 likes and 8 matches on Tinder. But it’s a big come down. Let’s face it, my face is long and thin and I look awful with my beard (see recent photo below).

I got into a Grammar school and my family constantly praised me as being the “smart one”, so my intelligence was also overestimated by myself. I did ok in my A levels (BBA) and got a 2:1 in my degree. But really i’m only slightly above average.

I’ve applied for jobs since graduating and am constantly rejected. I can’t even get a retail job. Going into these retail stores and seeing 17 year olds makes me feel so worthless!

So as you can see i’ve turned out to be not what I thought I was and i’m feeling really depressed and sad. I’ve been binge eating and staying up late, sometimes all night.

I am really worried that i’ll not fullfill my potential in life.

I don’t know how to process this. I would love to improve my chances and become that airline pilot. But how? How is that even possible?

I’m not massively intelligent and i’m just average looks wise. That’s pretty depressing.

How can I go forward with a positive attitude when i’m not what I thought I was? How can I feel secure when I am lesser than what I thought I was?

To be honest, I don’t like who I am and I don’t want to be who I am.
 

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Everything you just said i was and am going threw. My advice is to examine your capability to be a pilot. Figure out if you can handle the demands it will place on your body and mind.
 
Airline pilots aren’t known to be towering intellectuals. I agree with Wolf Prince—find out more info about it. Do some reading, have a local flight school send you some info, etc. Depression is a terrible 10,000-pound monster. It pins you to the ground and distorts and blackens your view of yourself. Take it slow. Do one good thing or take one positive step for yourself every day starting now. Oh, and the retail stores aren’t hiring you because you’re overqualified—you’re too smart.

And I agree with your mother: you’re a 6/7. You’re totally cute. Come to the U.S. Between your accent and your looks, you’d have like five girlfriends within an hour of stepping off the airplane. Ha!
 
A video I once shared with you was on this exact subject, but I'm guessing you didn't watch it. It was about a generation of parents that convinced their children they're special, amazing, unique, outstanding, etc. and this generation of children being faced with reality in their early to mid twenties.

I don't know if it's necessarily bad that parents do this, but I have seen this sort of effect before, particularly in my own brother. Me and my other brothers somehow always knew not to take the praise of family seriously but this one brother became convinced he deserves to be famous, a legend, successful without much effort, etc.

I wonder what causes some to take the praise seriously and some to understand that family is just like that. Personally, I find it comforting to have a place I can go to where I know I'll be praised for whatever I did, and then I can find the realistic information elsewhere.

Of course being faced with any shocking new reality is going to be uncomfortable but once it's accepted, life gets better. Life and happiness are not about superiority, in anything. Fulfillment concerns other matters.
 
An attitude adjustment was overdue, actually. You had a somewhat inflated sense of your worth, but now you've traded that for a deflated sense of worth. The reality is usually somewhat in between.

On two occasions I've told you that you are attractive, yet you have chosen to ignore that totally. Maybe it will have more weight coming from Kalinychta.

Now you're facing the reality that you aren't as brilliant as you thought, either. Yet that hardly means you're stupid.

What you haven't really given enough consideration to is, whatever your physical appeal and your intellect, you have a really big hurdle with your Asperger's and your depression. Your job search needs to take that into account, searching for types of jobs that would accept you and that you could stand. You have some social deficits and rigidity of thought that are probably directly related to the autism. You will have to learn to accept that and still find an interest in going on living.

Having had no employment, you are really at a disadvantage for the types of jobs you want. I do suggest you give serious consideration to those jobs you feel are beneath you - not retail, but bin man, cleaner, sorter, etc. (Put off airplane pilot for another day.)

Since it is likely that you won't get hired tomorrow, and therefore can't move out from your parents' place right away, I suggest that you try harder to get along with the family, especially your father. You can come off as a right snot at times, ACCEPT THAT. That doesn't mean you ARE a right snot, but you can come off that way. It's part of the Asperger's, and it is amenable to change.

See about getting into therapy. It will help.

Hope you feel better soon.
 
Fino said:
A video I once shared with you was on this exact subject, but I'm guessing you didn't watch it. It was about a generation of parents that convinced their children they're special, amazing, unique, outstanding, etc. and this generation of children being faced with reality in their early to mid twenties.

I don't know if it's necessarily bad that parents do this, but I have seen this sort of effect before, particularly in my own brother. Me and my other brothers somehow always knew not to take the praise of family seriously but this one brother became convinced he deserves to be famous, a legend, successful without much effort, etc.

I wonder what causes some to take the praise seriously and some to understand that family is just like that. Personally, I find it comforting to have a place I can go to where I know I'll be praised for whatever I did, and then I can find the realistic information elsewhere.

Of course being faced with any shocking new reality is going to be uncomfortable but once it's accepted, life gets better. Life and happiness are not about superiority, in anything. Fulfillment concerns other matters.
Click to expand...

Can you post the video again? I want to watch it.
 
What's so bad about being "average"?

Seriously - what on Earth is there to feel bad about being in the middle of the distribution of looks and talents? I can think of dozens of people I know who would give their eye teeth to be as privileged as to be able to consider themselves average as opposed to disadvantaged.

You have a comfortable home, are not wanting for anything material, you are not disfigured or chronically ill. You live in a wealthy country with free health care and a social safety net. You have many things that the majority of people in this world don't have. Average is not always as common as you may think.

I wish I could say my ability to walk was average, but it hasn't stopped me making a go of my life.

Be grateful for what you have, not desolate for what you have not.
 
I've said this several times but I'm going to say it again anyway. Get therapy.

Most parents think their children are beautiful and clever and special. It's actually a cliche. Having that unconditional love, pride and support is wonderful, but I didn't realise that anyone over the age of 10 actually took it seriously. Apparently it's not an uncommon thing. I think some people just have to go through that process of going out into the world and realising they're actually incredibly mediocre. Embrace your new found self awareness! There's nothing wrong with being average. Average is still better than much of the population, but really it shouldn't be about superiority at all, it should be about be aware of your abilities and limitations and being the best you can be.

Re being an airline pilot, clearly to need to go through pilot training, there are a few different routes to do this. It's a commitment in time and money but so is training for anything. You have time on your hands now with not having a job, so start taking steps towards this goal now. Do some research, figure out what is the best path for you, and then start applying. You don't need to be a genius to become a pilot. I have a distant cousin who's a pilot and he's actually pretty stupid. The one time I met his pilot friends they all seemed pretty thick to me. If you become a pilot you might actually end up being one of the more intelligent ones. To be honest I think the part you may struggle with is patience and calm under pressure, not the intellectual parts.
 
Success and beauty is in one’s own mind. I feel it is not relevant what others think, in order to be successful and feel beautiful, as confidence can be achieved regardless, and as we can define such words any way we wish. How I define beauty and success is not how everyone else does. I see myself as a success, yet never had a full time traditional job.

Yes, I realize employers can often look at things from the surface, or in other cases obsess over resumes, or discriminate, when, in reality, that does not prove that that other person can do a better job or is a better fit in terms of performing the actual duties. That would be only learned over time.

The qualifications for a pilot is not based on looks and intellect, in most all cases. It just requires special training or education like most professional jobs. Medical doctors, engineers and lawyers do not get jobs or become successful because of looks or for being emotionally or personality wise brilliant.

These people could be book smart, but be socially immature, egotistical, self centered, or in some cases, corrupt. Maybe that takes them far, but that is not for me. This does not mean that many other professionals cannot be kind, with great personalities, and caring, and some jobs want these traits as well, but others may want something else.

I just know that beauty and intelligence is in the eyes of the beholder, or often can only go so far, and that the ones making the hiring decisions have their own determinations on who is best to be a part of their company, based on the qualities they desire best. Some companies want more experienced persons and/or more outgoing people; others could care less and just want someone who could learn quickly and would work hard.

Many employers these days want the educational skills, yes, and many others want the social skills, yes, too. But, others may just care if one can do the job duties. Your job is to either just find those jobs, those that do not prejudge, discriminate, overanalyze, or nitpick everything, or in the opposite case, you to tell or show them what they want to hear, at that interview. Once you get the job, be yourself.

Research whatever type of job you are looking for, to see the types of employees they generally want, and the experience or training necessary. If it were me hiring someone in the service sector, I would focus on the applicants personality, and ability to do the job. I would not care if they were shy or outgoing, but just polite and respectful. That is just me though.

For professional jobs, realize most professionals are not stereotypically beautiful, nor smart for all things, and many worked at very low level jobs first, if others refused to hire them for retail jobs, for whatever reason. Professionals are far from perfect too, and are no smarter in life or more beautiful than anyone else on this planet.

So, whatever your dream is Frostee, you can do it. Just go step by step, and do not let rejection stop you. Our 10 year old Autistic son says he wants to be a “super duper singer” one day. He had been rejected by a few local vocal teachers because of his ASD, and even did not advance in a few local contests. That isn’t stopping him, he says.

I am instructing him daily now, and he still has the drive and belief to be successful as a singer one day, he says. I tell him he already is a winner in my mind, as I really believe that, as he has initiated putting forth the efforts for everything he does daily, including music as it is his passion. He even wants me to take him to AGT auditions contest next week, in Kentucky. I feel he will do his best. That is all that matters.
 
Attitude adjustment is an important part of growing up.
My parents always told me I was brilliant and talented. I always thought I was brilliant too because I had no trouble in school, I could past most classes without putting in any effort. And I was very quick to learn how to play music instruments and I was a relatively gifted painter and writer.
And then I got into med school and suddenly even when I was putting in effort I was just middle of the pack in test scores. I realized that I might not be as brilliant as I thought.
As for the talent, I have competed in music contests, writing contests and painting/photography contests. I never won anything either.
The valuable lesson for me in med school and in those various contests was that I may be good at things I do, but there are many other people out there who are also good at what they do, and many are better than me. The trick is how you deal with not being as good as you thought you are. On the one hand I became more driven to do good, on the other hand I stopped striving to be the best. Better to be relatively good and happy than to struggle at being the best and being disappointed constantly.
I cherish the things I’m good at and try to work on improving my weaknesses.
 
Bolletje said:
Attitude adjustment is an important part of growing up.
My parents always told me I was brilliant and talented. I always thought I was brilliant too because I had no trouble in school, I could past most classes without putting in any effort. And I was very quick to learn how to play music instruments and I was a relatively gifted painter and writer.
And then I got into med school and suddenly even when I was putting in effort I was just middle of the pack in test scores. I realized that I might not be as brilliant as I thought.
As for the talent, I have competed in music contests, writing contests and painting/photography contests. I never won anything either.
The valuable lesson for me in med school and in those various contests was that I may be good at things I do, but there are many other people out there who are also good at what they do, and many are better than me. The trick is how you deal with not being as good as you thought you are. On the one hand I became more driven to do good, on the other hand I stopped striving to be the best. Better to be relatively good and happy than to struggle at being the best and being disappointed constantly.
I cherish the things I’m good at and try to work on improving my weaknesses.
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Great post. I would just add though, that if one loves what they do it may not be always be seen as work by them, no matter how much effort they put into it. To them, it may not always seem like a really big struggle, but more fun and commitment, if one really loves and enjoys what they do.

As well, talent and brilliance is seen differently in they eyes of different persons. And sometimes it is just some luck or good break that separates those who succeed and do not. I have seen several famous entertainers who I thought had average talent at best. The same for instance, like the famous artists, from the past. But, someone important liked what they saw.

Many of those succeeded not because their ability or talent rose above all others, but because they were at the right place, at the right time, seen by the right persons, or because they had great marketing, or because there was something very unique or interesting about their ability, personality, talent, or story.

It is often not just the most intelligent, talented, or personable, that determines professional success for those jobs that are either upper class or in the entertainment industry, but dedication, perseverance, and focusing on those efforts as being enjoyable and fun, no matter the rejections and naysayers.

Eventually, if one is out there enough, or finds ways to showcase, or finds the right audience, or shows some uniqueness to their ability, that is how to separate one great professional or performer, from a group of thousands. If may not happen the first, second, or hundredth time, or ever, but even if not, at least that person was having fun and trying their best. Granted, that does not pay the bills. I understand that.

The point is, few will succeed if they do not have continual effort, motivation and a belief in themself, when obstacles are in their way, and if they are not being seen, or if they take critiques and rejection the wrong way. Yes. rejection often makes me more motivated too. That is how many succeed these days. Some strive under pressure. Some wilt. Regardless, if that job or talent gets to the point it is not fun or enjoyable anymore, then of course, consider trying something else.
 
Frostee, if you're gay and were in my area, I'd totally consider you based on your looks. You are handsome.

I think even if most people aren't or don't think they are hot, potential makeovers, and/or exercise can help change that for most people.
 
Frostee- What l understand in life is that you are better looking then someone, and there is someone else who is better looking then you. Translation- Just act like you have swag- love yourself and live life on your terms the best to your ability. But keep looking for jobs,the more interviews you do, the better you get.
 
Also, Frostee, you’re basically saying that anyone who isn’t considered attractive is less worthy of life and happiness than people who are. And that’s a rather tragic sentiment to hold.
 
Frostee said:
To be honest, I don’t like who I am and I don’t want to be who I am.
Click to expand...
Before you can change a situation, you have to know what the situation is. Now you know, so now you can improve yourself and your life. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself for a while, that's human. Get it out of your system, then get to work.
 
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