Dealing with Death.

[Juliettaa]

You dont need money. You grow vegetables.

I,however,have expenses.

First expense on your list - a new pair of trousers, preferably with the rear intact to spare your blushes

 

[Baeraad]

As a nurse I dealt a lot with death, also. But my mom's death was hard for me. My mom and I were very close - it was basically me and her for years. The morning before she died she had the home health hospice nurse pray with her that she would not suffocate and that her heart would just give out instead. All her life her worst fear was suffocating and that's what the doctors had told her would happen when she did die, that she'd not be able to get any oxygen. My sisters and I were sitting with her for her last breath and she never struggled once to breathe, her heart just stopped. I believe that God was with her and she did not have to suffer as she had feared.

warning - from a nurse who's used to things that may bother someone else...…...
So often, as a nurse, I would see family members insist on doing everything possible to keep the patients alive when I could see the begging in the eyes of the patient to just let them go. When you get older and you're tired and sick - you've lived a good life and ready for death but the families so often won't allow it. If it's a chronic illness and you bring them back, you're only bringing them back for a short time and making them have to go through death over and over. I had a patient in his 20's, he had aids. He had returned to my floor after being in ICU after being resuscitated. Now this was a young man, with strong bones and all and the first thing he said to me was to not let them do that to him again - the torture he said he went through - broken ribs, shock burns, intubated, and so on. If it's hard for a young person, I imagine how hard it is for someone in their 70's or 80's. I know the first time I ever did cpr and my patient was a feeble old lady, the first time I pressed down on her chest I could hear and feel, pop pop pop - her ribs breaking away from her sternum. And in both cases, they were just brought back and died within a couple months later. I've told my kids that I only want to die once, and when it's my time to go - let me.

To be sure. If someone tries to put my mom on life support when the time comes, I think I will consider it my filial duty to pull the plugs out myself if need be. Not to say that I'd be brave enough to do it, only that it would seem like the right thing to do. She's made it very clear throughout my entire life that her worst fear is having a slow and lingering death.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

To be sure. If someone tries to put my mom on life support when the time comes, I think I will consider it my filial duty to pull the plugs out myself if need be. Not to say that I'd be brave enough to do it, only that it would seem like the right thing to do. She's made it very clear throughout my entire life that her worst fear is having a slow and lingering death.

Has she given you power of attorney?

Also needs a DNR.

 

[Baeraad]

Has she given you power of attorney?

Also needs a DNR.

You know, I'm not sure. Not sure what the rules are where I live, either. I should talk to her about it - chances are, she has looked into it.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

To be sure. If someone tries to put my mom on life support when the time comes, I think I will consider it my filial duty to pull the plugs out myself if need be. Not to say that I'd be brave enough to do it, only that it would seem like the right thing to do. She's made it very clear throughout my entire life that her worst fear is having a slow and lingering death.

Yeah I think the way we medically deal with death at the moment is terribly cruel, dragging it out endlessly. We treat our pets more kindly and humanely than we treat our relatives, letting them go quickly and painlessly when life becomes too hard.

In my Grans last days we were horrified to find out that the nurses had been forcing food into her mouth when she was clenching her teeth in a helpless attempt to refuse, we forbade it when we found out of course but if they hadn't been doing that she would most likely have died much more quickly and suffered far less.

Has she given you power of attorney?

Also needs a DNR.

And a Living Will, I have one as does everyone else in my family.

 

[LucyPurrs]

You know, I'm not sure. Not sure what the rules are where I live, either. I should talk to her about it - chances are, she has looked into it.

Make sure she has had it taken care of if she is in the USA. I don't know what's needed in England or any other country but Power of attorney for healthcare decisions is critical. A living will is also important. Strongly advise this as a former medical social worker who completed these documents for many, many patients.

 

[Fino]

Here in California, as well as two other states, the terminally ill (less than 6 months to live) can choose to end their life. You can also choose to be labeled "do not resuscitate" so what Pat describes doesn't happen.

 

[Fino]

Same (I'm a little weirded out by how much time I spend agreeing with you). Everyone dies eventually, and everyone knows that, why be upset when the inevitable happens?

My grandparents are all dead now, I didn't find their deaths in any way difficult to deal with. I felt sad for my parents who were grieving and did what I could for them but that's it. I just don't grieve. This may be due to my living reasonably far away from my family, going from seeing a person 3 times a year to never isn't that big a change.

I'm not scared by the prospect of death either. I don't want my death to be painful of course, but I don't see anything upsetting or scary about no longer existing.

ExxxACTLY.

 

[SusanLR]

@Baeraad
Your description of how you feel about your own death says it exactly the way I feel about my own.
I also am going through that feeling that it would be sweet relief right now too, and hoping that will
change.

The death of others, such as you describe how your parents feel needs to be respected.
I went through this with both of my parents, only thing they were just the opposite and wanted
their lives prolonged artificially for as long as possible.
I was their POA and surrogate in their living wills.
My Dad was on life support, in a coma, for six weeks before his death.
I had to fight the medical system to fulfill his wishes as they kept telling me it was hopeless
and as surrogate I had the authority to pull the plug.
Dad was afraid of death and somehow in his coma he would yell "Don't let me die."
(he did towards the end get off of intubation somehow)
I stayed with him in ICU everyday for 10 hours. If I offered my hand, he could hold onto it so
tightly I couldn't break loose. He would seem at peace with me, but, if anyone else came in and
touched him he would moan and holler. I left the TV on his favourite show with Steve Irwin.
And Steve Irwin died during that time.

Even in a coma, somehow things were going on with him.
I did put a DNR on him because I didn't want them to break his chest and give him the paddles.
Finally his heart stopped.
But, I fulfilled his wishes and I think he came to a peace about it finally before he went.

 

[Gracey]

me personally? I am quite ready for my own demise.
Sometimes I wonder what is taking so long.

Death is an absolute. It will come.

Grief is proof of attachment, love and caring. Loss of an imagined future.
It can be a sweet sorrow,
but not a fixed or permanent state of mind.

It's the social aspect of death I haven't quite figured out yet.

I'm to act like this or that.
I'm to conduct myself in a specific way at a funeral.
I'm to say the correct things.
I'm to join in with a collective sorrow for a specified amount of time.

never really got that part right.
others make it seem so easy.

my nan died. It felt like I would soon follow of a broken heart.
I was advised not to cry so much at the funeral. - messy face and making others uncomfortable.

I'm like, 'you have got to be kidding me !!'
what madness is this?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I was advised not to cry so much at the funeral. - messy face and making others uncomfortable.

Trust you to spoil the whole day for every body.

 

[Wolfnox]

So for me. I hope after i die to realize s dream. To spend eternity under a beautiful sunny day. With blue skies soft puffy clouds. Warm sun rays beaming down on a land of green grass. Gently rolling hills and a quiet forest.
This helps with the picture.

 

[Streetwise]

I'm so confused about this whole thing and sometimes hope that I'll one day understand but am not sure if I really do want to understand.

I can't fathom how death is sad. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I understand difficulties caused by the death, such as if it were your partner. That's a huge effect on your life and you've lost your partner.

But, to me, that isn't death itself effecting you. Many people seem to cringe at the concept of death and are saddened when they hear of anyone's death, whether or not it has actual impact on their life. And that, I don't understand.

I'd be happy to die at any moment. Why wouldn't I be? I would finally not be doing things. No more things! Yay!

As far as I know, of course.

I play piano for people on hospice care, until they die. If that ever comes up in conversation, people have a pained expression and say something like, "Ooo, that's tough," or "that must be hard."

Why? Why would it be hard? What am I missing? I learned in training that death is taboo in our society and that people fear the unknown, often more than anything. Is that all it is?

Even then, why would that effect me? They're the ones facing the unknown.

Death doesn't feel taboo to me so it's really hard to talk about it with people as if it is, and I have offended people many times.

if you see someone the second they've died ,all I know is it frightened me ,now it feels lonely,i'm sad for an enth of a second then I'm angry .

 

[tree]

The words 'dealing with death' made me think of a poem
by e e cummings

"when(instead of stopping to think)you

begin to feel of it,dying
's miraculous
why?be

cause dying is

perfectly natural;perfectly
putting
it mildly lively(but

Death

is strictly
scientific
& artificial &

evil & legal)"

E. E. Cummings – Dying is fine | Genius

 

[righan]

For me it depends. If I have an emotional attachment to the person or animal, then I am an emotional wreck for days or even weeks. My cat died a few weeks ago and I wasn't able to do anything but focus on that for three days. I couldn't work. I could barely get myself to eat. When in those circumstances, I usually try to find ways to express my feelings ... either by myself through things like screaming or crying and pacing and similar behaviors ... or by talking and talking and talking until I was out of energy ... but eventually it started to pass.

That said ... when my grand parents died ... I didn't feel anything. The funeral was just an event I had to go to because my mother expected me to go. I have had friends die and I felt nothing.

The difference was about attachments. I didn't see my grand parents. Their connection to me was biological and that doesn't have any value to me. The friends that died weren't people I saw all the time.

In order for me to have an emotional attachment, something has to be part of my daily routine ... has to be an active part of my life on a regular basis ... loosing them has to cost me something real. Has to actually change my life. Not be based around some relationship or set of feelings that I'm supposed to have because I know them or are related to them or dated them once upon a time.

I general, I have a very small circle of people who are actually in my routine .... other than our cats, my mother, my wife, and my best friend ... I don't have any friends or family that I see often enough that them dying will actually impact my life a whole lot and I'm not really sure I care if i see them again and so I'm not really sure i will care when they die. I'll be upset that it upsets my wife and my other friends, but I wont personally feel anything unless they do.

Death in general has no meaning for me. I can feel bad when the people around me feel bad or when people I care about feel bad, but I am reacting to their suffering ... not to the death itself. I remember when the trade towers fell I couldn't understand why everyone was so upset. I mean, yes, it was a lot of people dying, but there are a lot of people getting killed all over the world all the time and no one seems outraged ... and really, we kind of saw it coming. I mean I wasn't even really surprised.

In fact, I'm more likely to care about an actor on a show I watch dying than a person I know ... of course, that actor is more a part of my routine and my life ... and their death will have a greater impact ... so its not about localization either ... how I feel and how I attach is about the impact someone has on my life. No impact. No attachment. No mourning.

So I suppose the way I deal with death in general, is to limit attachments. Although, the thing I am struggling with personally, is my own impending death ... and considering my health, its coming up pretty sooner rather than later ... and I am VERY attached to myself. Call me self-centered, but I will be very upset when I die. Its going to have a huge impact on my routine.

 

[Aspychata]

We live on borrowed time. Everyday could be my last day. l don't have to think alot about death because l am preoccupied with get life right, doing it aspie right. An Aspie cemetery would be plot for one only, with no markings. l went to a Chinese celebration of the day the relative passed. We burned paper money for them to spend, we lit cigarettes, apparently they smoked, and filled a small glass with liquor, and small plates of their favorite foods. In Japan, when a female aborts a baby, they actually bury it. I wished America did this.

@righan l understand that. l also limit my attachments, it's a survival mode thing for me. l prefer not to be attached.

 

[jorgealarcon]

So ive found ways to help with this. Through my faith as a christian. And an ideal i live by. Im always careful not to become emotional. It can cripple me severly over several days. I just try to stay upbeat. And if possible avoid funerals. How do you all cope?

Avoiding funerals so not to be reminded of death I understand is to keep oneself from becoming depressed, but dodging the entire issue of death is not going to help you in the long run. You have to deal with the issue seriously. Running away from it is like a child fleeing from a fire that's chasing him down the hill.

 

[Wolfnox]

Avoiding funerals so not to be reminded of death I understand is to keep oneself from becoming depressed, but dodging the entire issue of death is not going to help you in the long run. You have to deal with the issue seriously. Running away from it is like a child fleeing from a fire that's chasing him down the hill.

I have my own views on death. It doesn't mirror the emotions or views of the people morning. I accept it another way and honor their memory.

 

[EricD]

The Bible speaks frequently on the subject of death. It is the result of sin & falls upon all, Romans 3:23, 6:23. Death is a sleep until the resurrection of life at the beginning of the Millennium for believers, 1 Corinthians 15:51-57, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-17, or a resurrection of condemnation at the end of the Millennium for unbelievers for judgement and destruction alongside Satan and his angels in the Lake of Fire. John 5:29, Revelation Chapter 20. If you are a believer, you have nothing to fear. You will die once and live twice, but the unbeliever lives once and dies twice, the second time for all eternity. I hope this helps to clear the haze a bit.

 

[Streetwise]

As a nurse I dealt a lot with death, also. But my mom's death was hard for me. My mom and I were very close - it was basically me and her for years. The morning before she died she had the home health hospice nurse pray with her that she would not suffocate and that her heart would just give out instead. All her life her worst fear was suffocating and that's what the doctors had told her would happen when she did die, that she'd not be able to get any oxygen. My sisters and I were sitting with her for her last breath and she never struggled once to breathe, her heart just stopped. I believe that God was with her and she did not have to suffer as she had feared.

warning - from a nurse who's used to things that may bother someone else...…...
So often, as a nurse, I would see family members insist on doing everything possible to keep the patients alive when I could see the begging in the eyes of the patient to just let them go. When you get older and you're tired and sick - you've lived a good life and ready for death but the families so often won't allow it. If it's a chronic illness and you bring them back, you're only bringing them back for a short time and making them have to go through death over and over. I had a patient in his 20's, he had aids. He had returned to my floor after being in ICU after being resuscitated. Now this was a young man, with strong bones and all and the first thing he said to me was to not let them do that to him again - the torture he said he went through - broken ribs, shock burns, intubated, and so on. If it's hard for a young person, I imagine how hard it is for someone in their 70's or 80's. I know the first time I ever did cpr and my patient was a feeble old lady, the first time I pressed down on her chest I could hear and feel, pop pop pop - her ribs breaking away from her sternum. And in both cases, they were just brought back and died within a couple months later. I've told my kids that I only want to die once, and when it's my time to go - let me.

Thank you Socks the cat died today