Dating your friends

[buckyboy14]

So I've been hearing about how you can't date a person who's your friend. I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you? I remember one girl saying to me that we were "too close of friends" to date. HOW? If you don't date your friends, who do you date?

 

[Flinty]

To answer your question, people who exist outside the Friend Zone.

There are those who aren't yet mature enough to realize that a good friend can make a good partner. Many never reach that point.

 

[buckyboy14]

But what's the point of that? What's the point of dating someone you're not extremely close friends with? It just baffles me.

 

[Evanze]

It's one of those things that just isn't true and like what Flinty said, people who aren't mature enough tend to say that alot. So don't be too bothered by it, if you're able to date your friend that will be great but if you aren't able to then you'll have to wait it out.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

in all honesty a girl who says this is probably letting you down gently.

The best and most successful relationships come out of friendships. My husband is my best friend for instance.

Then again you might have a fantastic friendship with someone and they might just be too scared of losing the friendship if the relationship goes south. Because not all relationships can cross into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. And then your down one friend who is a significant part of your life.

In this case I would probably take the risk or negotiate first what will happen if stepping over the line doesn't work before stepping over.

 

[buckyboy14]

if you're able to date your friend that will be great but if you aren't able to then you'll have to wait it out.

But this is my question: If not your friends, who do people expect you to date? Your acquaintances? And why? Sorry, I'm just really confused.

 

[Aalo]

Many people give that comment if they feel their friends aren't the right material. Unfortunately being close to a girl doesn't necessarily make her think you have the qualities she's looking for. In other words: knowing her for longest doesn't mean you're the first one in line. I have been that girl one male friend was trying to convince, and he was so angry every time I got new partner. He even said "I saw you first." Oh, that doesn't make anyone other's property

It's true that many would like to date dear friend that they already know well, yet some seek some kind of excitement from new people. There's no way of knowing what people desire, nor are they obligated to tell about that to anyone. Relationships can be difficult, not least because people don't know what they want and need.

 

[livinggreen]

I think people say not to date friends because of what could happen to the friendship if the relationship were not to work out. If you have a best friend and then you try to date and it fails, it is hard to get back to where you were as best friends in a lot of cases and many people then wish they would have stuck with the friendship. Personally, I think your partner should always be your best friend, but I don't think they always start out that way. I think the chemistry in a friendship is different than relationship chemistry and this sometimes can only be found out with time.

Many men and women use the "we are too good friends to date" as an excuse because they are not interested or for other reasons and if you are really friends, you have to respect that. When a friendship is destined to be a romance, it usually happens organically and with attraction, not by a decision to say "hey, we should just date because we are such good friends."

 

[Aalo]

I'd like to continue my thoughts. How do you see people having friends that confess having a romantic interest? In my own example I felt somewhat vile. Would it be better to exterminate such friendship in the name of decency? Some say, that they already have enough friends, so if they're not going to get relationship or sex what so ever, they won't be seen hanging around. But if this person their self won't leave, would it be better, for everyone's sake, to perish them? Or should person like that just realize they're having no chance and admit their defeat?
But as some of us might know, feelings won't always fade away on that instant.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I lived with a man for a couple years who was more like a father to me than anything else. We got on really well, we were really really close and stuff. I was still fooling around with my ex and he got to see that whole drama play out. from both sides. About a week after I kicked my ex out I made the decision to move to another country. I think I needed a fresh start.

But I think deep down in part the real reason was because I knew this guy I looked to as a father figure loved me. And not like a father loving a child. He wanted us to be the couple we had kind of been skirting around for a while. The problem was I didn't feel this for him. This friend, he had beaten me into shape, taken a child and moulded an adult. I was pretty bad when I first started living with him. I think I left the situation more because I knew I had out grown the situation and I had to leave to find myself and because I knew deep down he loved me and wanted us to be more than flat mates. I also knew I couldn't cross that line.

I loved him to bits but not in the way he needed. He was an awesome guy, the kind of guy that a woman should want. Hard working, caring, affectionate, loving, listened to you. But I just couldn't return that love. so I left. After I left he finally admitted to me the truth. I wasn't surprised, I already knew. I think we both knew why I left.

Sometimes you can have this awesome person in your life and to cross the line would just destroy it.

But in this case I knew we would destroy ourselves if we crossed the line. We were both mentally unstable and we would have drowned in our own depression. Neither of us could have lived if we had been together much longer.

It always made me sad that the pain of me leaving him meant that I couldn't continue the friendship. He was such an important part of my life. He was one of the few people in my life that have really meant something to me.

I wanted to share this with you as a story of how sometimes the friends crossing over into a relationship is just really not the best. And it just doesn't always work out. But then again we didn't work out for the right reasons. It wasn't just me friend zoning him. It was the conclusion of that relationship and we had to both walk away.

 

[Ylva]

But this is my question: If not your friends, who do people expect you to date? Your acquaintances? And why? Sorry, I'm just really confused.

With NTs, it often isn't about sense. It's about copying Hollywood or something of the kind. (I think the term "friend zone" was literally coined in a Meg Ryan movie.)

Aspies would, logically, prefer to date people they are already comfortable with, rather than some stranger they met in a bar. Neurotypical views probably vary, but I would not put it past many of them to go out with a person because s/he has a hot ass.

 

[Aalo]

(I think the term "friend zone" was literally coined in a Meg Ryan movie.)

Wasn't it Chandler on Friends? Anyways. It is some pointless phrase that actually means nothing and therefore ought not to be afraid of.

Truth to be told, that other person can change their mind later on after you have had a little distance, got new interesting hobbies and lived good life as your own person. Time can change their person, your person or the way things are perceived. But dragging after them hardly helps that kind of chance to happen.

 

[Cuppa' Tea]

I think two people CAN be too close of friends to date.

I have known my best friend for over eighteen years. Neither of us is straight. (She is pansexual, and I am essentially asexual but panromantic) and we are pretty affectionate with each other. (Walking with arms linked, holding hands, hugs.) and get mistaken for a couple often. But...we are like sisters, and the thought of us...together is repugnant to both of us. (And we have discussed it)

 

[Ylva]

It makes sense not to want to date friends who are so close they feel like siblings, 'cause that would be like, uh, dating your sibling.

My dating philosophy is that unless the guy has proven himself to be a good friend in the first place, I won't do it.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

I prefer not to date people that I am "friends with" simply becuase part of the excietment of dating for me is: being captivated by somebody new

 

[buckyboy14]

But surely you wouldn't date someone you've just met, would you? I would assume you'd have some degree of friendship with them before you started dating them.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

But surely you wouldn't date someone you've just met, would you? I would assume you'd have some degree of friendship with them before you started dating them.

Actually dating can happen in all diferent ways I'll usally go out with a person 4-5 times before I even decide whether I'm into the person on that level or not. On my end, I choose not to to seek out people that are already in my peer group for partnership because I like the adventure of discovering someone new ..

 

[Biblio-Love]

I've dated guys I was really good friends with and it didn't end well and then the friendship was gone too. So I decided I would always have a clear division between "only friend" and "lover." Of course, I want my lover to also be my friend but is he was put in the friend only category then that is where he stayed. But this one friend got mad at me for not giving him a chance (after we were friends for more than a year), and then he friend broke up with me. So either way, I lost out.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

I've dated guys I was really good friends with and it didn't end well and then the friendship was gone too. So I decided I would always have a clear division between "only friend" and "lover." Of course, I want my lover to also be my friend but is he was put in the friend only category then that is where he stayed. But this one friend got mad at me for not giving him a chance (after we were friends for more than a year), and then he friend broke up with me. So either way, I lost out.

Yup ! I like that division to. It's a good boundery to have if things fall to pieces plus as I am weary of new people every now and then there is this annomally where things just seem to work out and it's interesting ..

 

[Cilantro]

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating friends, but unless it's highly likely to work out it's probably better to date acquaintances. After a relationship ends there might be baggage in the friendship that wasn't there before, and if you go back to being friends there's going to be a "just friends" ex in the picture. Some people are uncomfortable with things like their boyfriend or girlfriend going out to dinner with an ex one-on-one or being too close, so it can change the friendship forever even if you don't stop talking afterward.