Summrlynn78
Well-Known Member
So, I've been "dating" a guy who I highly suspect is on the spectrum, although I doubt that he'd be open to the suggestion that he is. However, when we first started seeing each other, I took his actions personally. The fact that he'd spend weeks of time seeming to really adore me, followed by several weeks of distance, coldness, hardly communicating, and no seeing each other at all. Based on past dating experiences with NT guys, I assumed this was his way of breaking it off without having to actually break it off. So I launched into an email to him about honesty and that I'll just assume it's over, and he could have just told me rather than pick me apart. Well, at some point, he started communicating with me again, and wanted to go out. He explained that he's not been in many relationships (which surprised me because he is a very attractive, intelligent guy), he's not good at relationships, he has a hard time bonding with people and getting close to people and he didn't understand why I overreacted the way I did. That he does want me in his life, but that he works two jobs, has a busy life, a set routine, and when he can see me, he'll see me. And when he can't, he can't. Of course, once again, I think, "Wow. How arrogant and self-involved. It's all about him and what is he going to do to prove that he wants me in his life?"
We've been doing this same pattern of several weeks to a month of great closeness, followed by several weeks of distance/hardly any communication, for almost a year now. Many of the times, I'd get my feelings hurt and try to find various ways to tell him about it...almost always resulting in him freaking out and pulling back even more. Sometimes, even lashing out harshly and saying very mean things (and he is not a mean person. He is generally a sweetheart). I still took it all personally, especially when he'd lash out at me. Until at some point (after helping my son through a meltdown), it occurred to me that the guy I'm dating has behavior very similar to my son. I started adapting some of the things I know about my son (i.e finding triggers, understanding that in certain moments, any additional "pressure" or communication will only result in making things worse), and it really helped me to stop taking things personally, and it really does seem to work well with my "boyfriend".
It is still hard not to view things that, if I was truly important to him, he'd want to be with me more often. And I don't know if it will continue to grow as we both get more comfortable and learn how to communicate? He always seems very genuinely surprised that I'd ever have any doubts that I'm important to him, as I'm really one of the only people he socializes with outside of work or in person (he's very sociable online). We've never defined our relationship, and honestly...I find it hard to broach any topic with him that deals with expectations (sometimes, just his perceived expectations)...I don't want to tell him what to do, or ask him to give more than he is comfortable with. But at the same time, it helps me to have some guidelines and understanding of what his thoughts are on me. I sometimes question whether he is attracted to me, as we have been sexual one time the entire time we've dated. In a casual conversation we discussed this, to which he let me know that he didn't understand why I'd think he's not attracted to me, since I'm clearly attractive. That he is mercurial when it comes to sex, and he really just enjoys cuddling and talking and laughing with me. Also, he let me know the other day that he is going out of town to visit a female friend. I didn't feel jealous, because he has always been so honest, but that doesn't mean it didn't cause me to further question my place in his life. After telling me and me being understanding about it, he did seem to have a lightbulb of a moment like, "Oh...I probably should make an effort to reassure her to some extent." So he explained how he knows her and hasn't seen her in 15 years and is a good friend. And then discussed how he'd like to take a trip with me. I take this as an effort on his part, since he does not seem to naturally consider someone else's feelings.
So, I guess where my long rambling tale is going... Does this sound like possible spectrum traits in relationships? While my friends consider him to be an inconsiderate, arrogant jerk...I truly see the good in him. He is sweet, thoughtful, etc. And over the year, he has proven to be honest. My fears that maybe he was player have been eased by his directness and honesty, plus the fact that he tells family and friends about me. He has always stuck by the things that he's told me early on in our dating, as far as seeing potential with me. He does seem very guarded at times and has told me that the few relationships he's had did not go well, and he just always felt like he did the wrong thing, but didn't ever get what he did wrong, and only felt that his good qualities and kindness were not appreciated by the women. Would anyone recommend discussing with him the potential that he may be on the spectrum, as it may help him not to see him self as a social failure (he's "jokingly" made comments like that...that he realized he's just harsh and mean, etc., and he's trying to change that about himself. However, he is not a mean man at all, just is sometimes brutally honest...which I find refreshing after all the liars I've met!)? Or maybe there are just ways that I can be toward him that help him feel more at ease with the fact that I"m not trying to change him, just understand him and be supportive of him?
We've been doing this same pattern of several weeks to a month of great closeness, followed by several weeks of distance/hardly any communication, for almost a year now. Many of the times, I'd get my feelings hurt and try to find various ways to tell him about it...almost always resulting in him freaking out and pulling back even more. Sometimes, even lashing out harshly and saying very mean things (and he is not a mean person. He is generally a sweetheart). I still took it all personally, especially when he'd lash out at me. Until at some point (after helping my son through a meltdown), it occurred to me that the guy I'm dating has behavior very similar to my son. I started adapting some of the things I know about my son (i.e finding triggers, understanding that in certain moments, any additional "pressure" or communication will only result in making things worse), and it really helped me to stop taking things personally, and it really does seem to work well with my "boyfriend".
It is still hard not to view things that, if I was truly important to him, he'd want to be with me more often. And I don't know if it will continue to grow as we both get more comfortable and learn how to communicate? He always seems very genuinely surprised that I'd ever have any doubts that I'm important to him, as I'm really one of the only people he socializes with outside of work or in person (he's very sociable online). We've never defined our relationship, and honestly...I find it hard to broach any topic with him that deals with expectations (sometimes, just his perceived expectations)...I don't want to tell him what to do, or ask him to give more than he is comfortable with. But at the same time, it helps me to have some guidelines and understanding of what his thoughts are on me. I sometimes question whether he is attracted to me, as we have been sexual one time the entire time we've dated. In a casual conversation we discussed this, to which he let me know that he didn't understand why I'd think he's not attracted to me, since I'm clearly attractive. That he is mercurial when it comes to sex, and he really just enjoys cuddling and talking and laughing with me. Also, he let me know the other day that he is going out of town to visit a female friend. I didn't feel jealous, because he has always been so honest, but that doesn't mean it didn't cause me to further question my place in his life. After telling me and me being understanding about it, he did seem to have a lightbulb of a moment like, "Oh...I probably should make an effort to reassure her to some extent." So he explained how he knows her and hasn't seen her in 15 years and is a good friend. And then discussed how he'd like to take a trip with me. I take this as an effort on his part, since he does not seem to naturally consider someone else's feelings.
So, I guess where my long rambling tale is going... Does this sound like possible spectrum traits in relationships? While my friends consider him to be an inconsiderate, arrogant jerk...I truly see the good in him. He is sweet, thoughtful, etc. And over the year, he has proven to be honest. My fears that maybe he was player have been eased by his directness and honesty, plus the fact that he tells family and friends about me. He has always stuck by the things that he's told me early on in our dating, as far as seeing potential with me. He does seem very guarded at times and has told me that the few relationships he's had did not go well, and he just always felt like he did the wrong thing, but didn't ever get what he did wrong, and only felt that his good qualities and kindness were not appreciated by the women. Would anyone recommend discussing with him the potential that he may be on the spectrum, as it may help him not to see him self as a social failure (he's "jokingly" made comments like that...that he realized he's just harsh and mean, etc., and he's trying to change that about himself. However, he is not a mean man at all, just is sometimes brutally honest...which I find refreshing after all the liars I've met!)? Or maybe there are just ways that I can be toward him that help him feel more at ease with the fact that I"m not trying to change him, just understand him and be supportive of him?
