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Dating someone with Asperger's

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by kryptoz, May 8, 2019.

  1. kryptoz

    kryptoz New Member

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    Hi, new here so sorry if this is the wrong place for this. So I've been dating this girl for about a week now and she mentioned on the first date that she has Asperger's. I really like her and I guess I'm just wondering for some general or specific knowledge about dating someone with Asperger's so that I can better understand her.

    A couple of more specific questions though:
    1. She's mentioned a couple of times that she needs to recharge or take a break from social situations which has led to short dates. I'm fine with that and I don't want to pressure her but at the same time I do plan on asking her about it. Any tips about how to approach that?

    2. I do honestly want to learn more about Asperger's and how it affects her...would it be rude to talk to her about Asperger's?

    Any info or comments are greatly appreciated.
     
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  2. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    Best to take her lead. Don't bombard her with questions and just learn about her personality - not her autism. Autism is a part of who she is, but it's just that - an aspect of her neurology that has some influence on her perception, processing and ways of dealing with life. Learning about autism won't make as much difference as listening to and learning from her about who SHE is.
    It's very sweet that you want to learn though :blush:
     
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  3. kryptoz

    kryptoz New Member

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    Thanks. Honestly I couldn't care less that she has asperger's because like you said that's just an aspect of her. I'm just a curious person in general and like I said I want to know more.
     
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  4. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    In that case I suggest do some reading. Look out for the #ActuallyAutistic tag on social media (don't use it yourself, but know that it's used by autistic people discussing our lives). There are some great blogs written by people on the spectrum and countless videos.
    As a start you could try clicking the link in my signature and watch some of the videos there which are made to educate both autistic and allistic (non autistic) people about what autism is and how it fits into our lives.
    I'd suggest not asking her too much about it until she starts the conversation with you ;)
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  5. Annika

    Annika New Member

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    1. Personally, I find that it's much easier to spend more time with people as I get to know them more, because I'm not worrying as much about messing up and less scared that I'm going to miss some important expression and damage the relationship while it's still fragile. So she might start wanting to spend more time with you on her own! But having that conversation is probably still a good idea. Maybe open by asking if there's anything you can do to make spending time together less stressful for her? While reminding her that you're okay with keeping dates as short as she's comfortable with.

    2. Honestly, I and most autistic people I know are totally okay with talking about it as long as you gauge our comfort first (i.e. "Do you mind if I ask you about Aspergers? I like you a lot and I'd love to understand you better"). And then if they're okay with talking about it, go ahead. :)


     
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  6. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

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    I say, let all that come from her naturally through conversation at her own pace.
     
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  7. RosaViolet

    RosaViolet Well-Known Member

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    You seem very open minded and attentive, which are great skills to connect to a person on the spectrum.
    So maybe just try to relax, put and keep her at ease and basically get to know, get to connect to, communicate to the person in front of you.

    Don't over read at this stage to avoid cr##p frankly. Steer clear of stereotypes and preconceptions, research has demonstrated that those stereotypes are counterproductive, get in the way of good communication with family members. [in some families, not mine!!]
     
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  8. ImSensing

    ImSensing Active Member

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    Yes, recommend you don’t go googling for info. Please. If someone did that in regards to me, they would receive a lot of misinformation. I really appreciate how open you are to her sharing information with you. The fact that she shared that in the first date leads me to believe she may be open to share more. I would be. If you wanted to tell her something casually like “I’d be open to hearing about more adjustments you might need to make to be more comfortable since you mentioned Asberger’s. Otherwise, I’ll take your lead on it.” That would be heaven to me if someone said that, it would indicate that he was sensitive and thinking about what I needed. We’re all different. If she’s a shy, private person, she may want to proceed more slowly but I’d say she DID already indicate some comfort level by divulging her diagnosis already... Happy connecting.
     
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  9. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the forums. People on the spectrum often get overwhelmed by social situations and need to recharge, we also need our space, some more than others. I wouldn't ask too many questions, but you can read and watch documentaries or YouTube videos and learn a lot. As always, just be careful of the sources of information though.
     
  10. disconnected

    disconnected Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I’m going to go against the grain here. I think it’s fair for you to ask questions. Be specific, and if it stresses her out stop. Every person is different and if my Wife asks me questions I’m happy she’s trying to understand.

    If you want to form a realationship it’s only fair for you to understand what’s going on in her head.
     
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  11. RosaViolet

    RosaViolet Well-Known Member

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    It might be better to ask her to explain herself what her asperger's mean or to recommend specific materials to read. It is important to let her 'curate' the sources so that she can control the impression created reflects her.
     
  12. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    I'd agree it's fair, and I encourage my NT wife to ask me questions rather than just react, which works well for us :)

    These guys have only been dating for a week though, so I think most of us are concerned it's too soon. He needs to gain her confidence and trust before he bombards her with questions about autism or he might scare her off. I know I'd run a country mile if a new GF had done that to me!
     
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  13. kryptoz

    kryptoz New Member

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    Man...sorry for not replying to any of your posts. Just wanted to give an update just in case anyone cares. She is now officially my girlfriend and I couldn't be happier! Thanks for all the advice!
     
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  14. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Congratulations!
     
  15. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi there. I am not on the spectrum but my boyfriend is. I agree that you should get to know her personally, but I found it extremely helpful to learn as much as I could by reading material and engaging with people on here.

    You sound smart enough to steer clear of stereotypes and realize that she’s an individual person.

    Good luck! Feel free to contact me if you would like me to share what I’ve learned. :)