Dating someone with Asperger's while long distance

[CD4]

I'm NT and have been dating someone with Asperger's for about 3 months. During that time we haven't lived in the same city. We're only about 2.5 hours away but it's been a constant struggle to see each other and to communicate between seeing each other.

Before I knew he had Asperger's I had a conversation with him where I proposed we speak more often because not speaking between seeing each other was hard for me. He said he could do that so we started talking on the phone about once a week. I now appreciate how hard that might be for him.

Now that I've learned about him more and understand that it's truly something he can't help I'm not sure how to approach the conversation again. I texted him over a week ago and haven't heard from him so I sent him another message asking if he could talk on the phone (usually he does respond to this request bc it's straightforward and he knows it's important to me) but he still hasn't responded so we're going on a week and a half. It leads me to do some spiraling and thinking that this is his way of ending things. Do I reach out and ask if everything is ok, do I call him up or simply wait for him to repond? Is it possible that he's been very busy and is seeking quiet and alone time in response to that? How do I best go about understanding where he's coming from this time?

Thank you!

 

[BraidedPony]

Asking someone to call you once a week isn’t asking too much, is it? It seems reasonable, but if he is having a hard time with that, is he right for you?
Well, I just thought of something...are the weekly conversations pleasant?
For example, when I call my NT mom, the first thing she says is something like, Oh you’re still alive, I haven’t heard from you in so long I thought you were dead hahahaha. *groan*
That makes it hard to call the next time....
I don’t know about how to ask him what is going on, but I know there are guys that would love to have a girlfriend and would call you.

 

[CD4]

Asking someone to call you nice a week isn’t asking too much, is it? It seems reasonable, but if he is having a hard time with that, is he right for you?
Well, I just thought of something...are the weekly conversations pleasant?
For example, when I call my NT mom, the first thing she says is something like, Oh you’re still alive, I haven’t heard from you in so long I thought you were dead hahahaha. *groan*
That makes it hard to call the next time....
I don’t know about how to ask him what is going on, but I know there are guys that would love to have a girlfriend and would call you.

You're absolutely right. It isn't too much to ask. I guess I just worry that I'm asking too much given his struggle with communication and Aspergers diagnosis.

The conversations are always pleasant. Him usually telling me his own stories or me sharing my emotions. He's always willing to listen to my extremely emotional rants and I'm grateful for that.

I think I just have to be honest about how I'm feeling - coming at it from a point of view that's respectful and simply opening up the conversation to ways that we can communicate together...in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[BraidedPony]

Sharing emotions can be tricky. Sharing can bring NTs closer, that is the theory, but listening to someone’s emotions can be very difficult for someone on the spectrum. It is for me, I don’t know about everyone else of course.
When someone shares their feelings, I listen really well and they spill their guts but on the inside I’m tearing my hair out. I don’t know how to react, what to say, so I listen and make little sounds that sound like I’m understanding them.
I care about what the person is saying but it feels to me like too much pressure to do the right thing.
I’m 64 so I’ve had many years to learn; relationships, funerals, weddings, life struggles all around me but I don’t feel comfortable with the feelings, especially one to one.
After talking where someone has shared their emotions, I am so drained that I have to go to bed and rest or nap. It is hard to not take on someone’s distress.
Being human you have every right to share your feelings with someone you care about, so you are not doing anything wrong. It’s what we are taught to do for goodness sake, to communicate! However, for some people it could be hard to hear.
If someone were to tell me that they just want to rant for 5 minutes and they just want me to listen, that would be completely different and easy to do.

 

[Tom]

I don't think I would enjoy calls if they always/usually included 'extremely' emotional rants. Being regularly vented on is not what I would call a pleasant time. Though once in a blue moon is understandable.

No one can say what is going thru his mind. Could be he's not that interested anymore. Could mean nothing and he's just busy. Time will tell.

 

[CD4]

Sharing emotions can be tricky. Sharing can bring NTs closer, that is the theory, but listening to someone’s emotions can be very difficult for someone on the spectrum. It is for me, I don’t know about everyone else of course.
When someone shares their feelings, I listen really well and they spill their guts but on the inside I’m tearing my hair out. I don’t know how to react, what to say, so I listen and make little sounds that sound like I’m understanding them.
I care about what the person is saying but it feels to me like too much pressure to do the right thing.
I’m 64 so I’ve had many years to learn; relationships, funerals, weddings, life struggles all around me but I don’t feel comfortable with the feelings, especially one to one.
After talking where someone has shared their emotions, I am so drained that I have to go to bed and rest or nap. It is hard to not take on someone’s distress.
Being human you have every right to share your feelings with someone you care about, so you are not doing anything wrong. It’s what we are taught to do for goodness sake, to communicate! However, for some people it could be hard to hear.
If someone were to tell me that they just want to rant for 5 minutes and they just want me to listen, that would be completely different and easy to do.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and experiences. It's really helpful and opens my eyes to a few things.

I can understand that he may be exhausted by some of the phone conversations - understandably so if he does feel the same way that you do when listening to someone share their emotions.

I really care for him and would never walk away because it's difficult to communicate. I agree that I'm not asking for too much - I'm just doing what I need to do to be happy. It's a difficult situation but I think an honest, non emotional conversation will be a good next step.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[CD4]

I don't think I would enjoy calls if they always/usually included 'extremely' emotional rants. Being regularly vented on is not what I would call a pleasant time. Though once in a blue moon is understandable.

No one can say what is going thru his mind. Could be he's not that interested anymore. Could mean nothing and he's just busy. Time will tell.

Thanks for your perspective - that's helpful. The emotional rants from my end are probably once every 4 phone calls. I certainly would be exhausted myself if I were sharing emotional rants every single time we get on the phone. But it is helpful to understand that someone on the spectrum has trouble with these types of conversations.

 

[Mattymatt]

I'm NT and have been dating someone with Asperger's for about 3 months. During that time we haven't lived in the same city. We're only about 2.5 hours away but it's been a constant struggle to see each other and to communicate between seeing each other.

Before I knew he had Asperger's I had a conversation with him where I proposed we speak more often because not speaking between seeing each other was hard for me. He said he could do that so we started talking on the phone about once a week. I now appreciate how hard that might be for him.

Now that I've learned about him more and understand that it's truly something he can't help I'm not sure how to approach the conversation again. I texted him over a week ago and haven't heard from him so I sent him another message asking if he could talk on the phone (usually he does respond to this request bc it's straightforward and he knows it's important to me) but he still hasn't responded so we're going on a week and a half. It leads me to do some spiraling and thinking that this is his way of ending things. Do I reach out and ask if everything is ok, do I call him up or simply wait for him to repond? Is it possible that he's been very busy and is seeking quiet and alone time in response to that? How do I best go about understanding where he's coming from this time?

Thank you!

Your request for a once-a-week phone call is not unreasonable in the least. I wish I could offer you some insight because I am not one to pull away when a woman shows interest in me unless I am in a depressive cycle. The only thing I can think of (and this may be very off base) is that he might be fearful of growing attached to you and then you leaving him. Many aspies are change averse, preferring routine and consistency. It takes me a very long time to recover from heart break so I am very careful to whom I let in. Getting used to having someone in my life and then them not being there is almost an apocalyptic event for me. No, I am not dramatizing. My last relationship was 4 years ago and I am just now starting to feel like putting myself out there again. I hope this helps. Autistics are not classically very good at communication and I am certainly no exception but I find my skills improving with age.

 

[Fino]

There have been times in which I would agree to things I don't normally like to do when first starting a relationship. The excitement or something about it makes it easy to do then, but I soon revert back to doing what I'd prefer to do. A recent example would be that I went out with someone at night, but I don't like to stay up late because it ruins the following day entirely, but I did it happily anyway. The person asked again, and I didn't want to and then I stopped talking to him.

I hate talking on the phone to the point that I would stop talking to someone if that was something that's important to them. And I would probably agree at first then later not be able to do it.

Not saying that's the case here, those are just my experiences.

Also, this story seems to be told here often, about someone dating someone on the spectrum and suddenly not receiving a response and being confused.

 

[ksheehan88]

Your request for a once-a-week phone call is not unreasonable in the least. I wish I could offer you some insight because I am not one to pull away when a woman shows interest in me unless I am in a depressive cycle. The only thing I can think of (and this may be very off base) is that he might be fearful of growing attached to you and then you leaving him. Many aspies are change averse, preferring routine and consistency. It takes me a very long time to recover from heart break so I am very careful to whom I let in. Getting used to having someone in my life and then them not being there is almost an apocalyptic event for me. No, I am not dramatizing. My last relationship was 4 years ago and I am just now starting to feel like putting myself out there again. I hope this helps. Autistics are not classically very good at communication and I am certainly no exception but I find my skills improving with age.

I know this post is to give the OP advice, but that there in bold has just helped me tremendously with something I'm dealing with right now. Thank you

 

[Mattymatt]

I know this post is to give the OP advice, but that there in bold has just helped me tremendously with something I'm dealing with right now. Thank you

You're welcome. Hope you find some closure to the issues

 

[Sab]

Waiting for answers to texts or messages can bring up so much anxiety. It’s a super valid need to need check ins and moments to connect between the moments where you see each other. To me, it sounds like maybe you don’t share the same communication needs. I think it’s a super good idea to discuss it with him.

It’s easy to interpret the absence of an answer. And he probably has valid reasons for not answering that probably has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. But if you spiral when it happens (I can relate to that a lot) and that you have to deal with that for a week or more, it must really not feel good. It would be very legitimate (and brave) for you to bring it up again and ask for clarity.

I hope you can find ways of communicating that works for both of you!

 

[Bronzelincolns]

people on the spectrum tend to have routines and habits that are rigid and they do no desire to adjust them and attempts to do so can be upsetting.

as mentioned by others here, you're going to have to be up front about your needs with this person. is he aware that he is on the spectrum?

 

[All-Rounder]

Like Fino said, my boyfriend dislikes some things so much he wont do them if he were to be threatened with his life possibly (why does such a grim idea pop in my mind as an example now...). He said he'd hate my city (even though its not an ugly city neither that poor, and is historical and important) even if I was there by him, and he couldn't enjoy his time here.

My online sweetheart cant get himself to voice with me and in the 3 times in 2 years he did, which were awfully short, he was surrounded by friends or family while he did. He's got high anxiety about it and I think you're lucky to have met him in real life, as well as call him so much and be able to express feelings through voice and hear him speak to you. Sometimes I find myself trying to imagine his voice without being able to remember it.

My bf also sometimes stops replying and there have been times especially first few months where we had this area for a month or more where he'd act so distant, would very rarely reply, and it was very hard to me but we surpassed it and things got back to better. At the time I didn't talk about it, things just got fixed by their own selves. Some guides suggest you should just not bring it up, but I think its important for you to test the waters try to discuss with him and be honest, as well as request honesty. My boyfriend doesn't take serious talks well.

There is still a lot of hardship and difference from a normal relationship going on, and likely will be for lifetime. It's important to know what you want and how much of this you're really able to take on the long term in exchange for the things he can offer. It'll be quite hard for years to come, in my relationship things improved but many things keep coming back so yeah, the stress has taken a toll on both of us.

 

[NTGUY]

This reminds me all too well of my relationship with someone who has AS. I love him but the communication struggles being long distance can be really hard. He does not like talking on the phone at all either and texting can be difficult too because he will ignore some things I text him. I have learned that when he ignores me it is likely one of these reasons and try not to take it personally-
- was consumed in special interest and seen my text but forgot to respond
- didn't see my text until a long time had passed so he didn't respond thinking it was now irrelevant.
- I notice he thinks he responded to my text sometimes but he actually just responded in his head and never actually wrote the text and hit send.
- needs time to think of a response to my text before he responds but then he never responds because of one of the above 3 reasons.

Being NT this is really hard to deal with but what gets me through is thinking about the times I've spent with him in person and how happy he made me. Everyone is different though this is just my experience with one person.