Dating someone on the spectrum, thoughts needed?

[Epitectus]

@Epitectus,
I will speak from the perspective of someone being married for 34 years to a wonderful woman, that is, according to the Autism Quotient scale (less than 20 being mostly neurotypical traits, and above 30 being mostly autistic traits) scores a 27. I have Asperger's condition. I am also in the medical field and spend hours a day doing research. So, I will address your concerns from this perspective.

Medically, there is quite a bit of evidence to suggest that a high percentage with an autism condition will have difficulties with interpersonal relationships. Why? (1) The so-called "love hormones", oxytocin and vasopressin are triggered by the hypothalamus and released by to posterior pituitary. These are the hormones that give you that sense of euphoria when you first meet each other, after intimate contact, etc. These are also responsible for "social initiation",...seeking out social contact. When looking at medical imagining, testing blood, etc,...autistics will often have low levels of these hormones as there is often low connectivity and conduction in the posterior pituitary. I am one of those individuals. I must have physical contact with my wife,...if I don't,...those feelings go away,...it is a constant concern that I worry about. I do not communicate by phone or text,...I can go for several days, even weeks without talking on my personal phone. My wife will text me occasionally, and I will respond,...but it's a one-way street. If someone is not in my line of sight,...I don't think of them,..."out of sight, out of mind". I do not "miss" people. However, when I see them again,...it's like they've never left me and I will pick up a friendly conversation as if we were just talking about that topic a few minutes ago. (2) Many autistics will have high amounts of emotional empathy,...will get their feelings upset at a drop of a hat. However, many of those same people will have low levels of cognitive empathy. The two types of empathy come from distinctly different areas of the brain. More importantly, someone with low cognitive empathy will have difficulties with perspective taking. For example, if I did something to you that got you upset. You angrily come at me and say, "How would you feel if I did that to you?" My response might be,..."I wouldn't feel anything. What are you talking about?" I believe in the "Golden Rule",...basically, don't do something to someone else that you wouldn't like being done to you,...but,...if you have a difficult time perspective taking, it is not uncommon to say or do something that upsets another person. There is no forethought or intent to do harm (low cognitive empathy),...it just happens,...afterward, when the other person confronts you,...you feel like a total turd (high emotional empathy).

So, I am thinking, that if your autistic girlfriend is not reciprocating equal amounts of attention towards you,...it is likely a combination of these two things that is contributing to the difficulties. It's not intentional,...she might not even be aware of how it affects you.

Hey Neonatal! Thank you for the very elaborate comment, this makes a lot of sense. I definitely think this explains a lot of things. As her dad has stated several times, she's very comfortable with me physically, and she likes me (a lot). I see that as a huge plus. I definitely think there's some sort of low cognitive empathy, and she's definitely very emotionally empathic. She's also told me that it can be months in between her and her best friend ever having contact, so it seems to be a case of "out of sight, out of mind."

I'll just update on what happened the couple of days following the post, in hopes that it will bring me clarity too:

As a quick refresher, Friday we were together. Saturday we had a small text exchange. Monday, the day the post was posted (at 1 am or so) I decided to ask her if she wanted to meet. I decided to text her "Hey, I really want to see you. Would you be free and interested in going out in 4-5 days?". I realize that being a bit vague might've been a bad choice, though I figured making it sound less non-committal was the right move, along with making it easier for her to turn it down. And thirdly, I figured that asking well before the actual date was a good idea. In hindsight, it might've been a mistake to be so vague, and moving forward I'll be more precise like usual.

Her response was "Mmm, maybe". I told her "Alright, let me know".

A day went by, and Tuesday afternoon came along. I was invited to hang out with a friend, I had work saturday, and I got an offer to take a shift friday. The offer to take a shift and the invite happened Tuesday. So, in short, my weekend was getting crowded, and things were up in the air.; I suddenly needed an answer. I asked if I could call her, and so we did. She sounded a bit tired, which I'll elaborate on later. She hadn't thought about my proposal, and well, she sounded tired. So I ended up telling her "Hey, it's okay if you don't want to, especially if you're tired. Okay?" and she told me "Yea I know". I let her know that my weekend was getting a bit crowded, and that I needed an answer before Thursday, if I had to plan the date (I had a few ideas about a picnic and then a movie, so I'd have to book tickets, shop for ingredients etc.), plus my weekend. She told me she'd text me wednesday, and I told her I'd contact her in case she forgot.

Wednesday rolled by, and at 10:30 pm I still hadn't heard from her. So I reached out by text, and asked her how she was and if she had eaten and gotten some sleep. She had gotten both. I ended up telling her I had been worried for her. She asked me "Why?" and I told her "I don't know, I'm just worried about you sometimes", which was silly, cause I know why I was worried, I just didn't want to be cheesy.

Her responses then got very weird, something about "But that's how it is with many people". I asked her to elaborate, to which she sent a message that made no sense, and I told her I didn't quite understand. She then texted me "Sorry".

I have no idea what happened, it genuinely left me puzzled, and I told her "Hey, you don't have to say sorry. What about a call? That way it's easier to elaborate.". I got no response, which makes sense as it seemed she had withdrawed.

A few minutes went by, and I got a message request from her dad on Messenger. He had written me quite a lot of text, explaining that she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the past 3-4 days, and that's why she wasn't communicating how she usually does.

He went on to tell me that she's "Scared that she's scared me away" which I can understand but at the same time it's a bit confusing as I'm not going anywhere. He also told me she had a physical breakdown/shutdown due to physical exhaustion. This was also where I learned that she has ADHD, and that she specifically has asperger's, and that she's been struggling with racing thoughts due to both of them.

I thanked him for contacting me, and asked him for advice on how I could best navigate the situation, in terms of not putting unnecessary pressure on her. His main points were to be "More charming than usual" and to send her "positive messages" which release endorphin.

So, that's what I've been trying to do. My first message after the whole dad-contacting-me-thing was to tell her "Nevermind the call. My point earlier was, that I'm worried about you because you're a fantastic person, and because I care a lot about you. Goodnight, sleep well <3"

I don't know if this was a good message, but I figured that one, it would absolve her of feeling obligated to call, and it would clear up any misunderstandings if there were any. She didn't respond, but I'm certain she read it, which was the whole point.

That was yesterday. Today, I saw her asking in our work group if anyone could take her shift Saturday. A few hours went by, and no one responded but everyone had seen it. Our shifts overlap that day, and I couldn't take it myself.

I ended up texting her, asking if she still needed it taken. She did. I ended up guiding her through how to put her shift up for grabs, telling her not to worry about the shift, and that I would make sure it got taken. I then, paid a friend extra to take the shift and cashed in a favor. I texted her "It's been taken now. Take care of yourself" her response was "Thanks, oki you have to as well " which I heart reacted. So, she's now gotten the weekend free, which I think she needs on top of such an exhausting week, and work is now one thing less she has to worry about.

I think I'm gaining more and more understanding of how to navigate things, even though it's obviously a learning process. I must admit that I feel guilty because I was trying to get an answer, but at the same time, I didn't know how serious the situation was, and I genuinely needed to know if I had to plan my weekend/the date. But I still feel guilty because I know it added extra pressure on her.

Today I've been thinking things through, and I've made the decision to drop my pride, ignore my insecurities of feeling "needy" and try to realize that I will make mistakes, but that's okay. That's been a huge fear of mine; to make mistakes or missteps when it comes to her. My plan thus far, is to now provide her with some space over the next 2-3 days. I've booked my weekend with work friday, work saturday, and then hanging out with friends sunday. I'm thinking that Sunday/Monday I'll reach out to her and text her some positive texts.

You've already been a great help, so I don't expect you to take the time to read or reply to this, though I would greatly appreciate any type of feedback on all of this.

 

[Alexej]

Medically, there is quite a bit of evidence to suggest that a high percentage with an autism condition will have difficulties with interpersonal relationships. Why? (1) The so-called "love hormones", oxytocin and vasopressin are triggered by the hypothalamus and released by to posterior pituitary. These are the hormones that give you that sense of euphoria when you first meet each other, after intimate contact, etc. These are also responsible for "social initiation",...seeking out social contact. When looking at medical imagining, testing blood, etc,...autistics will often have low levels of these hormones as there is often low connectivity and conduction in the posterior pituitary. I am one of those individuals. I must have physical contact with my wife,...if I don't,...those feelings go away,...it is a constant concern that I worry about. I do not communicate by phone or text,...I can go for several days, even weeks without talking on my personal phone. My wife will text me occasionally, and I will respond,...but it's a one-way street. If someone is not in my line of sight,...I don't think of them,..."out of sight, out of mind". I do not "miss" people. However, when I see them again,...it's like they've never left me and I will pick up a friendly conversation as if we were just talking about that topic a few minutes ago.

Thank you @Neonatal RRT that was very clear, helpful and clarifying of my experience.

 

[paloftoon]

Her dad is letting you know she needs rest and can't express it. I'd wait at least one full week before contacting her again unless she initiates with you first. She'll understand if you've scheduled other things already, and you can schedule time with her the following weekend or after that instead. If she doesn't like to plan, you can tell her that you might not be able to meet up with her then. Maybe some things you are doing, she could participate with you, whatever you have planned.

And if she's not okay with any of that, then that should tell you a lot- but I don't get the sense that is the case.