Hello autismforums!
I'm a 18 year old guy who's neurotypical.
I've been seeing a girl who's on the spectrum on and off for around 7-8 months now. We've had a couple of hiccups where we stopped seeing eachother, due to misunderstandings. A lot of the misunderstandings revolved around me not knowing about her mental illnesses, and hence I thought her behavior was her rejecting me or letting me down slowly. She's currently diagnosed with: Autism, epilepsy, anxiety and dyslexia. She used to be depressed and had an eating disorder that was coming back, though it is under control now. She also has severe trauma from bullying which has pretty much ruined a lot of her self confidence.
However, nearly two months ago we started seeing eachother again. I'd like to note that it was first now when we started seeing eachother that she told me about her autism, I had no idea up until now. I'm adamant that I want to make things work this time, and I don't want to leave for anything now that I essentially understand things a little bit better.
We've been out a few times now, and we've talked about relationships in specific, and we agreed that we don't want to enter a relationship now, but that we'll "date".
She's recently started introducing me to her family. First it was by inviting me over for dinner at her mom's, and later it was inviting me to her dad's for easter lunch.
My confusion revolves around the last time we were together, which was last friday. I was invited over to spend the day with her family. It went great, actually. Her dad's autistic, and so is her little brother. Her little brother went from being very shy and not wanting to eat at the table because I was a bit intimidating (according to her stepmom), to coming over and tapping me on the shoulder and such. Her dad also went from being sort of intimidating and this kind of "tough guy", to coming over and physically giving me this kind of "guy hug" and complimenting me a lot.
During the entire thing, her family (consisting of her little brother, her dad, her stepmom, her cousin and her cousins boyfriend) referred to us as being boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn't mind this, it actually felt kind of nice, and I let it slide to see her reaction, which was to pretty much just slide with it as well. They weren't necessarily being serious, and half the time it was in a jokey voice where they'd laugh afterwards or where they were obviously joking. During the entire thing we were also sitting together on the couch in some sort of position (she'd lie down in my lap while I was playing with her hair, we'd sit and hug and intertwine fingers, things like that).
At one point the father offered me to take shots with him and the cousin. I rejected the offer as I had to drive (He was also very adamant I didn't drink if I had to drive). He had around 4-6 shots, and a couple of beers (the beers were throughout the day), so he might've been a bit under the influence. After the cousin and her boyfriend left, we had some very interesting conversations. It started off with him questioning me about martial arts, and then he began talking a lot about that. I listened very eagerly and asked questions. At one point we went from martial arts to values to his mother (the girls grandmother). That's when things got a bit strange. The girl was very fond of the grandmother. So she began crying while I was holding her from behind (which was a position she had initiated, which was a bit awkward; to stand with her in my arms while talking to her father).
She first sought comfort with her dad, leaving my arms to give him a hug, but then a few seconds after she came over to me, and I naturally began hugging her and comforting her. This happened once while we were standing and another time while we were sitting down. Then her dad began complimenting me A LOT; He said things like I was "a good guy" and he specifically told the girl "He likes you even though you have these problems. You never thought anyone but your father would do that, did you? But he does." He told the girl that "He could see why she liked me" and that I had "values, goals, beliefs and had a bright future ahead of me". The whole time I felt like the dad was trying to resolve some past trauma that she had. He also said things like "You don't have to be afraid to open yourself up and be emotional with him" and that "He had seen how we had been sitting together, and that it had taken her years to be as intimate with her mom and dad" things like that which caught my attention. At one point he did acknowledge that "I know you two aren't in a relationship, and it obviously confuses the family a bit that you haven't clarified things or put a word on it. But take it in your own pace-".
This has confused me greatly. Because all of these things, which obviously really made me happy inside, felt so out of place. I just never thought she liked me "that much" because, which I'll get to later, there's hardly any communication. I knew she liked me, but her dad's words just made it out to be a lot, and he obviously knows his daughter better than I do. Again, granted he was a bit tipsy, but I don't think he was drunk; the conversation lasted a good two hours, and he could coordinate himself well enough to show me a karate kick. He also told me that I was always welcome, and he told the girl more than once that I was a "well mannered person, who, unless I turn out to be an idiot to his daughter, will always be welcome."
At one point me and the dad were alone in the room, and he told me that "The job she got at the supermarket and you have really improved her mood/her person in general, so thank you for that.". I just don't know how much weight I should put behind the fathers words.
At the end of everything we ended up kissing twice, just normal kisses, before I left. She wanted me to text when I got home so she knew I'd gotten home safe, and we ended the night with "Goodnight <3"'s.
Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Firstly, I feel like a relationship is pretty much what we're doing at this point. The physical intimacy, especially the intertwining hands and the kisses, and the fact that I've been introduced to a large part of her family feel like relationship things. Originally I was 100% fine with just "dating", but the way I was raised, being introduced to the family is seen as making things official. So there's sort of an internal confusion there; Why am I being shown off to the family when we're not together, shouldn't we wait?! But even when I put that aside, the fact that her entire family was pretty much labeling us as being a couple and her not actually making any objections to it, makes it more confusing. If it wasn't for the dad mentioning the "I know you haven't defined things yet" comment one time, I would've thought she had told everyone else something she hadn't told me. And even if I put her family's comments aside, her father directly told me that I am "accepted" in the context of being accepted as a person that can be with his daughter and that I'm a person he approves of. She also told this the next day to her birth mom who relayed the message to me at work. (We work at the same place.) Her birth mother basically told me "So I heard from (girls name) that you've been approved by her father" and "I keep teasing her (with the two of us)". This just feels more and more like a relationship. And my dilemma is that I feel like there's somewhat pressure from her family, and I'm scared she might get more terriffied about the thought of a relationship?
Secondly, we have trouble communicating. It's been 3 days since friday, I texted her Saturday because I wanted to give her a ride home from work as I know she hates public transport (Her dad drove her, though). Since then, we've had no contact. The reason I'm nervous about contacting her, is that I know she likes her space. And I've been struggling for a long time about finding a good balance. When we had the talk about "dating" and not entering a relationship, she essentially told me that she was "Scared that if she didn't talk to a romantic interest for 2 weeks+, she'd lose connection with them". I told her I was fine with 2 weeks of no contact, I just needed a heads up. But I feel like it's sort of up in the air at this point. I don't know if 2 weeks is a "this will happen sometimes" thing or "this is the new normal" kinda thing. Last time I asked if she wanted to do something, she told me she had to "think about it". 8 days went by, and when I reminded her at work, she told me she had forgotten. But I want to see her, and I genuinely don't know if 2 weeks+ per date is something I can get behind, 1 date per week is what I want.
Thirdly, I'm stuck in this limbo of feeling like "Yeah she likes me" but then I feel like there are signs that either show the opposite of that, or that she's somewhy "hiding" her feelings. And that confuses me a lot. She's told me that there are "More things that're wrong with her, and that she's scared I'll leave if she tells me about it." She's already told me about a lot of things. What can be so serious and important that I might drop her, even though I've chosen to stay in spite of all of this? At some level I feel conflicted, because I feel like it would be important to talk about if she thinks it's a dealbreaker to me.
To sum things up, I just don't know if her anxiety, autism, and other issues are getting in the way and whether she's sort of hiding herself away because of that and because of past trauma. And if that's the case, then I would want to initiate and prove to her that she has nothing to be terrified off, but I don't wanna push it either by coming on too strong.
Could anyone please provide their thoughts on especially the 3 points stated above? And what do I do from here? Do I just say heck it and ask her out again now that it's been 3 days and plan a date during the next weekend, or what do I do?
I'm a 18 year old guy who's neurotypical.
I've been seeing a girl who's on the spectrum on and off for around 7-8 months now. We've had a couple of hiccups where we stopped seeing eachother, due to misunderstandings. A lot of the misunderstandings revolved around me not knowing about her mental illnesses, and hence I thought her behavior was her rejecting me or letting me down slowly. She's currently diagnosed with: Autism, epilepsy, anxiety and dyslexia. She used to be depressed and had an eating disorder that was coming back, though it is under control now. She also has severe trauma from bullying which has pretty much ruined a lot of her self confidence.
However, nearly two months ago we started seeing eachother again. I'd like to note that it was first now when we started seeing eachother that she told me about her autism, I had no idea up until now. I'm adamant that I want to make things work this time, and I don't want to leave for anything now that I essentially understand things a little bit better.
We've been out a few times now, and we've talked about relationships in specific, and we agreed that we don't want to enter a relationship now, but that we'll "date".
She's recently started introducing me to her family. First it was by inviting me over for dinner at her mom's, and later it was inviting me to her dad's for easter lunch.
My confusion revolves around the last time we were together, which was last friday. I was invited over to spend the day with her family. It went great, actually. Her dad's autistic, and so is her little brother. Her little brother went from being very shy and not wanting to eat at the table because I was a bit intimidating (according to her stepmom), to coming over and tapping me on the shoulder and such. Her dad also went from being sort of intimidating and this kind of "tough guy", to coming over and physically giving me this kind of "guy hug" and complimenting me a lot.
During the entire thing, her family (consisting of her little brother, her dad, her stepmom, her cousin and her cousins boyfriend) referred to us as being boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn't mind this, it actually felt kind of nice, and I let it slide to see her reaction, which was to pretty much just slide with it as well. They weren't necessarily being serious, and half the time it was in a jokey voice where they'd laugh afterwards or where they were obviously joking. During the entire thing we were also sitting together on the couch in some sort of position (she'd lie down in my lap while I was playing with her hair, we'd sit and hug and intertwine fingers, things like that).
At one point the father offered me to take shots with him and the cousin. I rejected the offer as I had to drive (He was also very adamant I didn't drink if I had to drive). He had around 4-6 shots, and a couple of beers (the beers were throughout the day), so he might've been a bit under the influence. After the cousin and her boyfriend left, we had some very interesting conversations. It started off with him questioning me about martial arts, and then he began talking a lot about that. I listened very eagerly and asked questions. At one point we went from martial arts to values to his mother (the girls grandmother). That's when things got a bit strange. The girl was very fond of the grandmother. So she began crying while I was holding her from behind (which was a position she had initiated, which was a bit awkward; to stand with her in my arms while talking to her father).
She first sought comfort with her dad, leaving my arms to give him a hug, but then a few seconds after she came over to me, and I naturally began hugging her and comforting her. This happened once while we were standing and another time while we were sitting down. Then her dad began complimenting me A LOT; He said things like I was "a good guy" and he specifically told the girl "He likes you even though you have these problems. You never thought anyone but your father would do that, did you? But he does." He told the girl that "He could see why she liked me" and that I had "values, goals, beliefs and had a bright future ahead of me". The whole time I felt like the dad was trying to resolve some past trauma that she had. He also said things like "You don't have to be afraid to open yourself up and be emotional with him" and that "He had seen how we had been sitting together, and that it had taken her years to be as intimate with her mom and dad" things like that which caught my attention. At one point he did acknowledge that "I know you two aren't in a relationship, and it obviously confuses the family a bit that you haven't clarified things or put a word on it. But take it in your own pace-".
This has confused me greatly. Because all of these things, which obviously really made me happy inside, felt so out of place. I just never thought she liked me "that much" because, which I'll get to later, there's hardly any communication. I knew she liked me, but her dad's words just made it out to be a lot, and he obviously knows his daughter better than I do. Again, granted he was a bit tipsy, but I don't think he was drunk; the conversation lasted a good two hours, and he could coordinate himself well enough to show me a karate kick. He also told me that I was always welcome, and he told the girl more than once that I was a "well mannered person, who, unless I turn out to be an idiot to his daughter, will always be welcome."
At one point me and the dad were alone in the room, and he told me that "The job she got at the supermarket and you have really improved her mood/her person in general, so thank you for that.". I just don't know how much weight I should put behind the fathers words.
At the end of everything we ended up kissing twice, just normal kisses, before I left. She wanted me to text when I got home so she knew I'd gotten home safe, and we ended the night with "Goodnight <3"'s.
Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Firstly, I feel like a relationship is pretty much what we're doing at this point. The physical intimacy, especially the intertwining hands and the kisses, and the fact that I've been introduced to a large part of her family feel like relationship things. Originally I was 100% fine with just "dating", but the way I was raised, being introduced to the family is seen as making things official. So there's sort of an internal confusion there; Why am I being shown off to the family when we're not together, shouldn't we wait?! But even when I put that aside, the fact that her entire family was pretty much labeling us as being a couple and her not actually making any objections to it, makes it more confusing. If it wasn't for the dad mentioning the "I know you haven't defined things yet" comment one time, I would've thought she had told everyone else something she hadn't told me. And even if I put her family's comments aside, her father directly told me that I am "accepted" in the context of being accepted as a person that can be with his daughter and that I'm a person he approves of. She also told this the next day to her birth mom who relayed the message to me at work. (We work at the same place.) Her birth mother basically told me "So I heard from (girls name) that you've been approved by her father" and "I keep teasing her (with the two of us)". This just feels more and more like a relationship. And my dilemma is that I feel like there's somewhat pressure from her family, and I'm scared she might get more terriffied about the thought of a relationship?
Secondly, we have trouble communicating. It's been 3 days since friday, I texted her Saturday because I wanted to give her a ride home from work as I know she hates public transport (Her dad drove her, though). Since then, we've had no contact. The reason I'm nervous about contacting her, is that I know she likes her space. And I've been struggling for a long time about finding a good balance. When we had the talk about "dating" and not entering a relationship, she essentially told me that she was "Scared that if she didn't talk to a romantic interest for 2 weeks+, she'd lose connection with them". I told her I was fine with 2 weeks of no contact, I just needed a heads up. But I feel like it's sort of up in the air at this point. I don't know if 2 weeks is a "this will happen sometimes" thing or "this is the new normal" kinda thing. Last time I asked if she wanted to do something, she told me she had to "think about it". 8 days went by, and when I reminded her at work, she told me she had forgotten. But I want to see her, and I genuinely don't know if 2 weeks+ per date is something I can get behind, 1 date per week is what I want.
Thirdly, I'm stuck in this limbo of feeling like "Yeah she likes me" but then I feel like there are signs that either show the opposite of that, or that she's somewhy "hiding" her feelings. And that confuses me a lot. She's told me that there are "More things that're wrong with her, and that she's scared I'll leave if she tells me about it." She's already told me about a lot of things. What can be so serious and important that I might drop her, even though I've chosen to stay in spite of all of this? At some level I feel conflicted, because I feel like it would be important to talk about if she thinks it's a dealbreaker to me.
To sum things up, I just don't know if her anxiety, autism, and other issues are getting in the way and whether she's sort of hiding herself away because of that and because of past trauma. And if that's the case, then I would want to initiate and prove to her that she has nothing to be terrified off, but I don't wanna push it either by coming on too strong.
Could anyone please provide their thoughts on especially the 3 points stated above? And what do I do from here? Do I just say heck it and ask her out again now that it's been 3 days and plan a date during the next weekend, or what do I do?
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