Dating is so hard...

[kris]

People always ask me "You're so pretty, why are you single?" Sigh.

I've never really dated before at all.. in high school, I wasn't technically "allowed" to date, but my parents needn't have worried.. nobody ever asked me. College was more of the same until I met someone online and carried on a long-term long-distance relationship that ended up in marriage. That lasted 4 long years.

I've since been divorced for 5 years. I had one fairly longish "relationship" with an old college friend. And I use the term relationship pretty loosely. But it worked just fine for me.

I've been completely single for well over a year.. dated some people I met locally at dog parks, running groups, bars, etc.. mostly just awkward first dates. Which is fine.. I get not having chemistry. No hard feelings there.

But it's the people I do click with that I have such a hard time with. Things seem to go really well at first for a few weeks maybe. And then it just seems to fall apart and they kind of disappear. And I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong. On guy after about 2 months told me he had a brain tumor and moved to a different state and unfriended me on FB. Second guy after like 3 weeks told me he wanted to join the FBI. Am I really not getting signals that they aren't interested to the point they need to make up stories? I don't call on the phone and I don't think I text too often.. I might obsess over things in my head but I'm smart enough not to text all the time.

Anyways, I'm kind of worried it's about to happen again. Guy met on OKC 4 weeks ago.. we saw each other a couple times a week at first, texted back and forth a lot...lots to talk about, lots of chemistry. I went to Thanksgiving dinner with his friends. He had been busy with work prior to Thanksgiving but said he'd have more time to spend with me afterwards. Then got busy on another job and we've hardly talked at all. Saw each other a week ago and I was hoping we'd get together this weekend before Christmas but he said he's visiting his grandma tomorrow and then his mom is in town for a week and my dad is in town too so it will probably be new year until I see him again. Which honestly is fine with me but he takes forever to text back now. Like the next day. He says he's busy and writing (he's a writer/editor) but he posts on social media in the meantime so it's not like his phone is off. Is "busy" just codeword for isn't interested anymore? When he does respond he seems interested still but it takes forever. I'm trying to keep myself busy with projects to keep myself from obsessing but it's so hard.

Sorry for the long rant. I am just so frustrated. I have NT friends who say dating is hard, but I feel like they really have no idea how hard it is for someone like me who really has a hard time understanding people plus has no dating experience. I feel like I need an instruction book for boys! Either that or one for how girls are supposed to act.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Maybe he's just backing off a bit. You guys spent Thanksgiving together which I believe spending any holiday with someone is a big deal. Things may be moving too fast for him. And posting on social media is different than actually having a real conversation. Give him some space and see what he does. Wait for him to text you. It may help to read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It explained a lot to me about NT men anyway.

 

[kris]

Maybe he's just backing off a bit. You guys spent Thanksgiving together which I believe spending any holiday with someone is a big deal. Things may be moving too fast for him. And posting on social media is different than actually having a real conversation. Give him some space and see what he does. Wait for him to text you. It may help to read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It explained a lot to me about NT men anyway.

Thanksgiving was pretty casual.. just a few of his friends at his place. And it was like our 3rd date and he invited me. So he definitely could have changed his mind.

Space is what I'm trying to do.. I'm being good and not pestering. I actually haven't read that book.. I think I'll do that.

I'm actually not sure if he's NT or not.. I have quite a bit of reasons to think he might not be, but not comfortable making that judgement call.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

I'm actually not sure if he's NT or not.. I have quite a bit of reasons to think he might not be, but not comfortable making that judgement call.

Well, if he isn't NT, then maybe he just needs some time to process what you said and what he wants to say in response?
I know it can be easier for me to update social media using scripts I'm already familiar with than texting my boyfriend when I still have to think about what I wanna say.

 

[kris]

Well, if he isn't NT, then maybe he just needs some time to process what you said and what he wants to say in response?
I know it can be easier for me to update social media using scripts I'm already familiar with than texting my boyfriend when I still have to think about what I wanna say.

Ah.. maybe. I do this sometimes but I think only when I'm not interested in someone.. I don't think we've texted about anything super deep that would require that much thought but maybe. I'm just so used to people disappearing on me :/

 

[AsheSkyler]

People always ask me "You're so pretty, why are you single?" Sigh.

That phrase always irked the snot out of me. As if looks are all that matter! I have a brain, thank ye, and perhaps I was still single at the time because I hadn't found a guy that appreciated more than just beauty! (Technically, appreciated more than just "hips", but that's besides the point.) Anywho, no idea what to do about the Vanishing Sweeties. Just keep sending a message from time to time?

 

[Cecile]

That phrase always irked the snot out of me. As if looks are all that matter! I have a brain, thank ye, and perhaps I was still single at the time because I hadn't found a guy that appreciated more than just beauty! (Technically, appreciated more than just "hips", but that's besides the point.) Anywho, no idea what to do about the Vanishing Sweeties. Just keep sending a message from time to time?

Well the thing is when you are pretty, you usually " attract" more people, even those who want other qualities too. So statiscally, you are more likely to have more people interested In discovering your inner qualities. When you are less attractive physically, people have to know you to feel attacted. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but mathematically it usually means fewer "hey let's see where that could go".
For Kris: the gradual vanishing is common for NTs too, and in these situations, the ability to read cues isn't always helpful. When the person's choice is to just let time "do its thing" instead of taking responsability and being honest, we (NTs) are just in the same boat as you. Personally, when the person seems to become distant, I just ask if there is more to it, and I "invite honesty in". (Having said all that, I an very aware that there are additional dating difficulties for aspies.)

 

[kris]

That phrase always irked the snot out of me. As if looks are all that matter! I have a brain, thank ye, and perhaps I was still single at the time because I hadn't found a guy that appreciated more than just beauty! (Technically, appreciated more than just "hips", but that's besides the point.) Anywho, no idea what to do about the Vanishing Sweeties. Just keep sending a message from time to time?

Haha.. yes! It totally irks me, too. I'm happy being single and I hate that people seem to imply I "need" a boyfriend or that there's something wrong with me if I don't have one.

I think I don't so much mind the vanishing as just that I'm left wondering what happened.

I read a couple books on aspie boys last night.. So far, all my research has been pretty focused on myself and how it is for girls. I think I'll be sure and give him some space anyways. I'm really not sure if he is or not but he's the first guy I've known who doesn't strike me as just totally NT. And he's mentioned asperger's once in general conversation (at a bookstore in regards to "running with scissors") and autism in general twice. I keep meaning to ask more about that but last time that happened it turned into a discussion about vaccines and then parenting and by the time I remembered what we were originally talking about it was pretty off topic lol.

sigh. I'm looking forward to christmas being over. this is such a stessful time of year for me.

 

[kris]

Well the thing is when you are pretty, you usually " attract" more people, even those who want other qualities too. So statiscally, you are more likely to have more people interested In discovering your inner qualities. When you are less attractive physically, people have to know you to feel attacted. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but mathematically it usually means fewer "hey let's see where that could go".
For Kris: the gradual vanishing is common for NTs too, and in these situations, the ability to read cues isn't always helpful. When the person's choice is to just let time "do its thing" instead of taking responsability and being honest, we (NTs) are just in the same boat as you. Personally, when the person seems to become distant, I just ask if there is more to it, and I "invite honesty in". (Having said all that, I an very aware that there are additional dating difficulties for aspies.)

I think being attractive actually makes it a little harder for an aspie girl.. when I first got divorced, I got myself into a lot of uncomfortable situations with men. I think I'm more careful now.. but honestly I'd rather do without the unwanted physical attention. I don't wear makeup or heels or do my hair or wear fancy clothes (either clothes I've sewn myself or jeans) so it's not like I'm trying to attract attention. I know there are worse problems to have for sure but I'd so much rather not have the attention.

I think inviting honesty is always good.. sometimes it's just really hard to verbalize and it's not something I'd want to send in a text if that makes sense. And then I start to feel crazy for obsessing over it all in the first place.

Ah well.. gives me time for projects for my etsy shop.. might as well make some money out of it. Keep those hands busy

 

[AsheSkyler]

Haha.. yes! It totally irks me, too. I'm happy being single and I hate that people seem to imply I "need" a boyfriend or that there's something wrong with me if I don't have one.

I think I don't so much mind the vanishing as just that I'm left wondering what happened.

I read a couple books on aspie boys last night.. So far, all my research has been pretty focused on myself and how it is for girls. I think I'll be sure and give him some space anyways. I'm really not sure if he is or not but he's the first guy I've known who doesn't strike me as just totally NT. And he's mentioned asperger's once in general conversation (at a bookstore in regards to "running with scissors") and autism in general twice. I keep meaning to ask more about that but last time that happened it turned into a discussion about vaccines and then parenting and by the time I remembered what we were originally talking about it was pretty off topic lol.

sigh. I'm looking forward to christmas being over. this is such a stessful time of year for me.

It'll probably be several more years before single people aren't considered defective. The instinctual drive to keep the species going tends to cloud a lot of people's judgment.

I hope you two can connect after the holidays too. =)

Well the thing is when you are pretty, you usually " attract" more people, even those who want other qualities too. So statiscally, you are more likely to have more people interested In discovering your inner qualities. When you are less attractive physically, people have to know you to feel attacted. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but mathematically it usually means fewer "hey let's see where that could go".

Unless you're autistic. All the people you'd like to attract because they actually have jobs and a sense of decency will never be won over because of how weird you are, and the only ones who pay attention to you are the jobless, drunk, high, lechers just wanting a quick lay. When you're considered pretty you get tons of the latter and if you're lucky they still have most of their teeth. Bleh! Thank goodness for gamers and techies. I couldn't snag a farmboy, but I was able to nab a responsible gamer.

 

[kris]

Unless you're autistic. All the people you'd like to attract because they actually have jobs and a sense of decency will never be won over because of how weird you are, and the only ones who pay attention to you are the jobless, drunk, high, lechers just wanting a quick lay. When you're considered pretty you get tons of the latter and if you're lucky they still have most of their teeth. Bleh! Thank goodness for gamers and techies. I couldn't snag a farmboy, but I was able to nab a responsible gamer.

OMG YES! And the dirty old men. Seriously. So over it. And definitely BTDT with the "normal" people with jobs. At least now I know why.

I don't think I could put up with a farm boy unless he read a lot.. and I've never known any gamers. This guy is a writer and makes films (and has since he was 9.. special interest, much?) and also pretty far out there on the nerdy/weird spectrum, which I really like I haven't heard from him today but he liked my FB post this morning. I'll say hello tomorrow if I don't hear anything. We talked a tiny bit yesterday

 

[AsheSkyler]

OMG YES! And the dirty old men. Seriously. So over it. And definitely BTDT with the "normal" people with jobs. At least now I know why.

I don't think I could put up with a farm boy unless he read a lot.. and I've never known any gamers. This guy is a writer and makes films (and has since he was 9.. special interest, much?) and also pretty far out there on the nerdy/weird spectrum, which I really like I haven't heard from him today but he liked my FB post this morning. I'll say hello tomorrow if I don't hear anything. We talked a tiny bit yesterday

I like farmboys and country bumpkins, I come from a line of farmers and gardeners. They might not read much on average or usually have deep conversations, but they're simple and straightforward, and they're typically good with their hands at fixing stuff. And I tend to scare the jeebies out of them.
Nerdy/weird folk are a good target too! Film is a fun subtype, sometimes they'll let you shoot scenes, act, or help with the editing.

 

[Ericho]

The fact that you've had some success indicates you're on the right track. The closest I've come is meeting this one girl on PlentyOfFish.

 

[Cecile]

Unless you're autistic. All the people you'd like to attract because they actually have jobs and a sense of decency will never be won over because of how weird you are, and the only ones who pay attention to you are the jobless, drunk, high, lechers just wanting a quick lay. When you're considered pretty you get tons of the latter and if you're lucky they still have most of their teeth. Bleh! Thank goodness for gamers and techies. I couldn't snag a farmboy, but I was able to nab a responsible gamer.

OMG YES! And the dirty old men. Seriously. So over it. And definitely BTDT with the "normal" people with jobs. At least now I know why.

I can assure you that as an "unpretty" + more or less unconventional NT, I've been attracting a fair share of the kind of people you just described, from my teenage years to a few weeks ago. Plus people with a sense of decency who are going through a rough time in their life and seem to think to themselves "I'm really not that into her, but she's so low-maintenance, comforting, and a good listener, maybe I could try dating her anyway"

 

[kris]

The fact that you've had some success indicates you're on the right track. The closest I've come is meeting this one girl on PlentyOfFish.

Hang in there.. I'm pretty convinced online dating is the way to go for us aspies.. I realized the types of people I wanted to meet would not sort of just fall out of the sky and if they did, they would probably be too shy to say hi to me and i'd probably to be self absorbed to notice them. That said, I didnt like piece of fish.. I had good luck with ok cupid.. but also heard plenty of horror stories about it, too. i heard good things about match, but that is a paid site and i didn't want to pay.

 

[kris]

I like farmboys and country bumpkins, I come from a line of farmers and gardeners. They might not read much on average or usually have deep conversations, but they're simple and straightforward, and they're typically good with their hands at fixing stuff. And I tend to scare the jeebies out of them.
Nerdy/weird folk are a good target too! Film is a fun subtype, sometimes they'll let you shoot scenes, act, or help with the editing.

yep.. i grew up on a farm so i know exactly type.. i've tried dating a few but i get so bored :/

i am so helping he lets me help with a shoot.. i've already volunteered to make cool props and he said he might take me up on it we talked a bunch yesterday.. he isn't disappearing yet. i think just stressed by end of year deadlines and family. **happy dance**

 

[AsheSkyler]

I can assure you that as an "unpretty" + more or less unconventional NT, I've been attracting a fair share of the kind of people you just described, from my teenage years to a few weeks ago. Plus people with a sense of decency who are going through a rough time in their life and seem to think to themselves "I'm really not that into her, but she's so low-maintenance, comforting, and a good listener, maybe I could try dating her anyway"

I'm glad the "low-maintenance" thing worked for you. That was one of my scare-off points because I didn't need to be wined, dined, flowered, and jewelried every other day. You'd think guys would want a woman who wasn't demanding.

yep.. i grew up on a farm so i know exactly type.. i've tried dating a few but i get so bored :/

i am so helping he lets me help with a shoot.. i've already volunteered to make cool props and he said he might take me up on it we talked a bunch yesterday.. he isn't disappearing yet. i think just stressed by end of year deadlines and family. **happy dance**

More farmboys for me then! (If I was still single, that is...)

Holiday and deadlines stress makes sense. If you two are together for a year or two, it won't bother you then since you'll have a better idea of what his routine is and when you should worry about him being absent.

 

[Cecile]

I'm glad the "low-maintenance" thing worked for you. That was one of my scare-off points because I didn't need to be wined, dined, flowered, and jewelried every other day. You'd think guys would want a woman who wasn't demanding.

Nope, it didn't work for me... Those guys weren't interested in me-the-person... They were just after a good listener and some comfort until they felt better and ready to meet someone "more interesting". There has only been one exception to that.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Nope, it didn't work for me... Those guys weren't interested in me-the-person... They were just after a good listener and some comfort until they felt better and ready to meet someone "more interesting". There has only been one exception to that.

Ouch... Aye, I've been a waystation before too, I know how that bites. Thank goodness for exceptions, no?