You missed the point. How are you welcoming new people, having them settle into interacting with the group? Are you seen as a resource?
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Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?
- Thread starter Markness
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Markness, this sounds horrible. Aren’t we glad we didn’t go through this? I am. I’d rather be lost than prescribed.
As I completed various parts of my education, I do not think this happened to me. My integration as a person was so poor that this was probably impossible for me. I was too passive and went along to get along. Sad. It took a lot of building myself up before I could think about my future and how I would fit in, coming at a time when I felt rejected by society. It was a helluva pit to climb out of. I could have used counseling, not just for myself but for my poor treatment of others that I still feel shame about
Jordy
Well-Known Member
They never worked for me either. I remember there being only one girl who was open to talking with me, who I ignored because I felt I was too socially inept.
I read somewhere it meant where young people could take a “break” from life and experiment socially. I didn’t get to do that because my mother pushed volunteering, driving school, and job testing on me.
What exactly is a prescribed role? I have a feeling it’s what my mother did to me.
If you need to ask . . . And, while some of what your mother did was preparation for living independently, I have a feeling that you learned the wrong lesson and only became more dependent. You are far too passive.
To me, this means listening to alot of “shoulds.” I used to think: I should do this and I should do that. I should be good at this and good at that.
There’s a lot of roles in society that we feel like we should have, but why? Is it because it is what we truly want and works for us or is it because we are looking toward others for acceptance by meeting their expectations.
My problem is that I misunderstood all the expectations, got overwhelmed, and crawled into my own private hole. I dug a tunnel out a different way that wasn’t really what people expected. So, I’m a bit lost, but not confined from having entered roles that I was not cut out for and do not want to play.
I understand what you’re saying, but as a girl, I disagree. Masculine and attractive mean something different to everyone, so how could you be it?
But, I’m no one to offer advice. I definitely don’t date.
I hear you, phantom. I’m not trying to disagree, but I just wonder if you’re more awesome than you think.
So very true! Early-on I learned that I was not a stereotypical 1950s through 1960s male. I managed to survive but with a severely bruised ego and thought of myself as lacking typical masculine qualities. I am a sinner who thought women fell for jerks: mea culpa! Then, I had my (Bertrand) Russell awakening and saw so clearly that I did not give those women a choice . . . . and when I provided a choice, I was quickly snapped up by an accepting, quirky, woman.
I have a soft spot in my heart for those women, who treat us shy guys with ASD, well.
I was constantly told I needed to stop being introverted and turn myself into an “iron pumping alpha male.” Then I would see a guy who was very rotound and Humpty Dumpty-looking with a cute girlfriend by his side. It baffled me and also made me upset with the people pressuring me to bulk up.
Some girls actually really like guys on the heavyset side because girls who like cuddling do not always want to hold onto somone built like me (I looked like a concentration-camp escapee until recently, but gaining 10 pounds did a little bit for me.)
Markness, I think if you can start using your literary training, you can do something excellent for yourself--Think about yourself in the active voice rather than the passive. Instead of seeing things as happening to you, be the efficient cause of a great many things in your life. Take charge, even in the little things, and start getting used to thinking of yourself like that. You're showing some amazing progress here already.
Being on the spectrum, we are introverted. And we sort of do stand back to some extent, from life. Not even sure how l met the very great people that l know currently. They all tend to be a bit introverted like me.
So @Markness , you can't be something else that you aren't. But it would be great if you find the shy female who maybe you wouldn't notice right away, and she is probably to shy to talk to you.
If l really like someone, their weight loss or gain really doesn't affect me. I fall in love with beautiful eyes, a smile that lights up their face, and their authenticity. If they are vulnerable and they are okay showing me that, l am fine with that. Alpha males are too intense for me, and stress me out too much.
So @Markness , you can't be something else that you aren't. But it would be great if you find the shy female who maybe you wouldn't notice right away, and she is probably to shy to talk to you.
If l really like someone, their weight loss or gain really doesn't affect me. I fall in love with beautiful eyes, a smile that lights up their face, and their authenticity. If they are vulnerable and they are okay showing me that, l am fine with that. Alpha males are too intense for me, and stress me out too much.
I don’t understand what you mean by literary training.
This sounds like a scary person to me. I would likely avoid such a man.
Markness, I’m fearful that there are people in your life that give you terrible advice. Anyone who tells you you should be anything other than yourself is giving you bad advice. Like Aspychata said, what else could we be, but ourselves? We can make ourselves better in ways that we want, but we cannot change to please others because it will be false an inauthentic.
If I had to determine the sexiest quality in a man, it would be authenticity.
I think and hope that you have found acceptance here… There are people that care about you and respond to you and talk to you with love because it feels like you are very honest here and we like that. Regardless of your experience with some unkind people, even here, there are some of us that like you just as you are. Even if you always feel down and are struggling, you see that we are here for you. So, this is acceptance. You’ve got it, and I hope it makes you feel better and more confident and less willing to yield to others’ poor suggestions. I think the good suggestions are the ones that encourage you to be more yourself.
I understand that you seek changed because you feel like things you have done do not work, so have you ever tried total love and acceptance of yourself? I mean radical, full on acceptance, believing you are enough just as you are. It’s difficult, but it’s worth a shot.
I do understand wanting a partner and not having one. But, I also understand essentially going through life as a living dead person… Not even living because we don’t have the things that we want. We must just live in the meantime, and find happiness even in our loneliness. As you know, as usual, I am talking as much to myself here as I am to you, because I do understand what you’re talking about.
Noooooooooo! That is so very myopic. I didn't need to bulk up when I could execute river rescues or help a family at their limit of too many miles and heat. Competence trumps buff every time
Jordy
Well-Known Member
Being more extroverted would help, extroverted and disagreeable man tend to do better with woman. Being low in neuroticism also helps.
This is very fundamental! Those of us succeeding socially in ways that we desired, changed in ways that made us our better selves.
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