Dating, Addiction & A&E Biography - adult situations!

[paul64]

I'm self- and friend-diagnosed as of a couple of months ago and at age 58. I'm almost certain it answers the open questions I used to slot into various psych diagnoses, though I have a couple of those, too. And I got through life 'til a few years back with alcohol, drugs or both, or "anti-lived" through sober periods at agoraphobic anxiety and avoidance levels and bizarre feelings that I now see as my occasional autistic bleedouts. My gf's seemed relieved when I started drinking. I was sometimes more fun and at least hangovers ended.

You might be able to guess where this is going. If not, I feel a *little* wobbly re alcohol, but I much more feel like the last time I tried dating without it: 15 years old, with an age-appropriate work history, if I were 15, adding to the Impressive Life Story any date eventually forces me to reveal, at least a little...and then turns into a compulsive rolling confession

On the plus side, this is the first time as an adult I've overall not felt completely and constantly desperate for romance; sex, yes...that's also been a few years. Whatever my desire level, I am very backed away from going any further than my few makeout sessions. It seems like a completely bizarre activity even in the moment, and like I'm not really there or someone no one ever taught the facts of life. I realize this reaction could involve a lot of normal reactions and Aspie stuff. But even just texting, I also feel like somebody stole my clothes and I'm wearing borrowed underwear with "Mom" written in black marker...or the equivalent.

Not only is my life story embarrassing and not exactly Pilgrim's Progress, but it's totally obvious the other person is wondering how to flee, as I blather on making it increasingly worse. Now, a lot of guilt and embarrassment also circles around events related to the alcohol & pills, so at the time of a date, I'm usually pancking and overloading on the same self-loathing as I sometimes have alone. Use your imagination, but one time I was offered the most blatant 'seduction' attempt possible and was so discombobulated it didn't dawn on me until I told the story to a friend the next day.

So here it is. A a serious relationships is more in my open question zone, but sex before I'm dead is looking like the next ship to sail before I'm confident or blind drunk enough, rather than my current dating comfort zone: on the couch at 11 pm browsing dating profiles. Probably like everybody else. Like everything, now, with the self-diagnosis, being conscious of how spaced-out focus is my go-to even is becoming my only go-to, even over something I'd so much rather be doing, like having sex. For romance to be an option, too, would be even better, if not so primal a desire.

Has anyone else found coping strategies, especially for the date one life story roll out? Or decided that some kind of relationship might even be worth a "few" drinks, since that's exactly why I always went back to it or something else that let me get to, "This guy is weird, but at least he's __ my brains out?" Or just said forget dating, I'd rather watch another war documentary I've already seen 300 times?" Or come up with a more agreeable version of your life events?

Thanks!

Lonelyhearts in Michigan
a/k/a Paul

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Hi, Paul. I made the conscious decision long ago that when it came to romance and sex I did not want to filter it through intoxication, liquor or drugs. I am happy that I made that decision because it allowed me to maintain focus on my partner, being in the present with her. To me, being in the present satisfies both of us.

I hope you will be able to work through your confusions and difficulties and come out whole in the end.

 

[MC1Rcat]

I agree that sober dating and not masking is probably the best path to finding a serious or long term relationship. I think that, even though it makes things a lot more scary and awkward, the other person sees one for who they really are, and it is more likely to be a fulfilling vs empty relationship. Perhaps it would be better to meet someone as a friend first? Or through a shared group activity or hobby? This way you could have more of the conversation focusing on your shared interests and get to know each other slowly, instead of feeling pressured for the past history to come out all at once. I think it is better to be in the present and to focus on the positive and who you are right now. Leave room for some mystery. I know from experience that it is easier said than done, because most of us info dump and tend towards TMI. But, it is probably better to save the past /scary stuff for a little later if possible.... like when you know the other person is someone who is worth sharing all of that with and would want to know/ care. It's not that you would be hiding it... you would just be avoiding the proverbial "casting pearls before swine," and in this way, can avoid the emotional cost of putting yourself through that unnecessarily. If you share the scary stuff in degrees with someone who cares, it is less overwhelming for both of you and you won't feel so horrible about yourself while/ after doing it.

I have a chronic neurological condition that makes it hard for me to do or eat a lot of the same things as others, and I find that it always seems to put people off if they learn too much about that side of me before they see the other less strange or scary parts of me first. People have a tendency to physically back away from me or to withdraw themselves from conversations, if I tell them too much at first. It always makes me feel bad or rejected when I see this sort of reaction. However, I have found that most people generally cannot handle too much scary or negative info about anything at one time. So, giving TMI is setting myself up for rejection/ failure. I can have control of this, to a degree, if I avoid going too fast. Also, our disabilites or problems are not all of who we are as people. So, I can choose to tell people about mine when they need to know, or when I can tell that they would want to know/ care, like when they ask about it. I find that most people don't really want to know all of that personal info before you really get to know them a little better anyway.... and I always feel more accepted and less emotionally fried when I share it in a safer situation, as opposed to sharing it with a stranger (like on a 1st or 2nd date).

 

[All-Rounder]

A relationship is optional and not worth drinking over. You might want to seek proper treatment or pills for what your hardships in life and socially are, that would guarantee much more functionality as the substances were designed for it and to minimize side effects and you wouldn't be smelling or cognitively impaired from the drinks.

The dating world is dangerous and it also at its best assumes multiple kinds of respect, self and other.

I suggest be yourself before using drugs and believing as commonly people who end up on unhealthy addictions tend to do that drugs and alcohol will cure them.

My ex was using pot [non medical] to treat her anger issues. I liked her better without it.

 

[Vindiesel]

Fly to Nevada sober and find a prostitute.

If your seriously trying to find a wholesome relationship above people’s advice shall suffice.

 

[Gerontius]

I'm self- and friend-diagnosed as of a couple of months ago and at age 58. I'm almost certain it answers the open questions I used to slot into various psych diagnoses, though I have a couple of those, too. And I got through life 'til a few years back with alcohol, drugs or both, or "anti-lived" through sober periods at agoraphobic anxiety and avoidance levels and bizarre feelings that I now see as my occasional autistic bleedouts. My gf's seemed relieved when I started drinking. I was sometimes more fun and at least hangovers ended.

You might be able to guess where this is going. If not, I feel a *little* wobbly re alcohol, but I much more feel like the last time I tried dating without it: 15 years old, with an age-appropriate work history, if I were 15, adding to the Impressive Life Story any date eventually forces me to reveal, at least a little...and then turns into a compulsive rolling confession

On the plus side, this is the first time as an adult I've overall not felt completely and constantly desperate for romance; sex, yes...that's also been a few years. Whatever my desire level, I am very backed away from going any further than my few makeout sessions. It seems like a completely bizarre activity even in the moment, and like I'm not really there or someone no one ever taught the facts of life. I realize this reaction could involve a lot of normal reactions and Aspie stuff. But even just texting, I also feel like somebody stole my clothes and I'm wearing borrowed underwear with "Mom" written in black marker...or the equivalent.

Not only is my life story embarrassing and not exactly Pilgrim's Progress, but it's totally obvious the other person is wondering how to flee, as I blather on making it increasingly worse. Now, a lot of guilt and embarrassment also circles around events related to the alcohol & pills, so at the time of a date, I'm usually pancking and overloading on the same self-loathing as I sometimes have alone. Use your imagination, but one time I was offered the most blatant 'seduction' attempt possible and was so discombobulated it didn't dawn on me until I told the story to a friend the next day.

So here it is. A a serious relationships is more in my open question zone, but sex before I'm dead is looking like the next ship to sail before I'm confident or blind drunk enough, rather than my current dating comfort zone: on the couch at 11 pm browsing dating profiles. Probably like everybody else. Like everything, now, with the self-diagnosis, being conscious of how spaced-out focus is my go-to even is becoming my only go-to, even over something I'd so much rather be doing, like having sex. For romance to be an option, too, would be even better, if not so primal a desire.

Has anyone else found coping strategies, especially for the date one life story roll out? Or decided that some kind of relationship might even be worth a "few" drinks, since that's exactly why I always went back to it or something else that let me get to, "This guy is weird, but at least he's __ my brains out?" Or just said forget dating, I'd rather watch another war documentary I've already seen 300 times?" Or come up with a more agreeable version of your life events?

Thanks!

Lonelyhearts in Michigan
a/k/a Paul

Maybe you are asexual, it happens to be quite common among autistic people!

 

[George Newman]

Maybe get with a professional that can listen to you, understand, diagnose, and treat. Doing so saved my life after so many false starts and dead ends while trying to do it all myself. Good luck friend. I wish you the best.