Dad Jokes

[NDR2]

What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?

Spoiler

You’re toast!

 

[Jumpinbare]

Why did the moth go to the dentist office?

Spoiler

The light was on

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I've often heard that there is nothing funny about hitting your funny bone.
But hitting mine sure makes me laugh.

Spoiler

self depreciating

 

[Crossbreed]

One week, our garbage was not picked up on its regularly scheduled day, so I put in a call to City Hall.
The clerk answers.
"I just called to talk trash..."

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I was once waiting for a doctor to verify that I had recovered enough after a multi day hospitalization (I had gotten pneumonia infection set into the tissue of my lungs, my rib, and shoulder after getting beaten up and catching pneumonia too). He took forever to get there and I was nervous about the exam so I started laughing like crazy when he finally showed up. He looked at me puzzled. There was a replica skeleton in the room. I pointed it out to him and managed to tell him that he had been leaving his patients waiting so long that it looked like that one didn't make it.

 

[NDR2]

I was going to tell a joke about the layoffs, but sadly none of them work.

 

[tree]

 

[Tired]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

Spoiler

She looked surprised.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Justice is a dish best served cold.

Spoiler

Otherwise, it's just water.

 

[Jumpinbare]

How many apples grow on an apple tree?

Spoiler

All of them.

 

[Shevek]

One day, I was labeling the paper bags our shared house got our staples from a little co-op in. I got a bit bored, so I wrote "ROLD OTES" on one bag. Sure enough, a couple of days later I overheard "Rold Otes - what in heck are Rold Otes??"
His wife: "You know, Rolled Oats!"
Rustle Rustle
"Arrgh!"

 

[Jumpinbare]

I'd like to shout out to sidewalks -

Spoiler

for keeping me off the streets.

 

[Shevek]

I think my friend is addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.

 

[Jumpinbare]

How does Captain Kirk have 3 ears?

Spoiler

Left ear, right ear, and the final frontier

 

[AuAL]

Why do we bury dead people?

Spoiler

Because they get upset if you don’t wait until they’re dead.

 

[NDR2]

I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.

Sorry to hear. Is she ok now about it?

 

[NDR2]

I was an only child…eventually.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I thought I would use my odd humour in the last reply.

 

[NDR2]

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.