Coping with grief - or not?

[onlything]

Hi there.

I just got a message that one of the people I consider precious and that I have left behind, well, she died yesterday around 9 pm. However, I don't feel anything I feel I should. Before when those I considered mine left, I would be heartbroken. Then, I stopped feeling much. Still, they, themselves, were never that important, that well-known as her, that long-known as her, that accepting. Yet, I don't feel much. Regret, yes, that I didn't call her to say good bye that one last time, but not much else. Maybe a bit of homesickness but I felt it for more than a year now due to her progressively worse health, due to her husband's Alzheimer as well - because people and events wouldn't happen again. Regret because it passed, good times passed and this is the only thing that is left. In this moment, I'm resigned. In this moment, I'm numb.

Shouldn't I cry? Shouldn't I miss her? She deserved someone better. Someone who didn't leave to chase wild imaginations while she was feeling worse and worse.

Last time I saw her, I thought that she's going to die. I said I love her and promised to call her but I never did. I wonder where did she go, like so many times before. If she went anywhere at all.

She was a ray of light during my childhood and now this ray is gone.

I expected it. Everything is lost sooner or later. I don't hate myself for not feeling much. I despise myself, yes, not for the first time but I'm past self-hatred. Hatred is too strong, too exhausting.

I just can't understand it. Why am I so cold?

The funeral is in a few days. I need to leave. I need to think.

Whenever I loose someone, I only feel regret that I didn't give them enough time from my life. That I forgot about them. Anything else? I don't know.

I'm going to miss her sometime in the future but I have already missed her at times for the last two years. The sickness changed her and, despite how selfish it is, I couldn't stay and watch how she's thinner and thinner, more and more sick, less and less alive. She's not hurting and that's good. She had enough hurt in her life.

This post is a very rambling and chaotic one. I apologise for that. I just... don't want to be cold, emotionless, insensitive or called that when I don't cry on funeral enough. Though maybe it's true this and last time.

I ask for advice, although I know that there's no advice to be given. Everyone deals with these things differently. Me? I keep it tighly closed. I keep it buried until my chest bursts in pain. I keep going on until one day I break down, shatter and can't stand up anymore. I will need to gather pieces of that shattered world again.

I'm tired of life destroying everything I ever found precious. Just - tired.

 

[Judge]

I ask for advice, though I know that there's no advice to be given. Everyone deals with these things differently.

And quite true.

Maybe you just needed to hear the same thing from another person. Take care.

 

[OkRad]

Being Non NT can grind you down for many years. There IS such a thing as emotional burnout. Do you have a therapist? I am not sure they help, but sometimes they can get us back into feeling mode. I am not even sure feeling mode is good, but sometimes we need it to let ourselves know we are still human. You are you and however you cope is the way that you cope.

 

[Keigan]

Everyone grieves differently, you’ll find your way through.

 

[onlything]

Being Non NT can grind you down for many years. There IS such a thing as emotional burnout. Do you have a therapist? I am not sure they help, but sometimes they can get us back into feeling mode. I am not even sure feeling mode is good, but sometimes we need it to let ourselves know we are still human. You are you and however you cope is the way that you cope.

I do have a therapist since last year. Hard to say if it helps. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi there.

I just got a message that one of the people I consider precious and that I have left behind, well, she died yesterday around 9 pm. However, I don't feel anything I feel I should. Before when those I considered mine left, I would be heartbroken. Then, I stopped feeling much. Still, they, themselves, were never that important, that well-known as her, that long-known as her, that accepting. Yet, I don't feel much. Regret, yes, that I didn't call her to say good bye that one last time, but not much else. Maybe a bit of homesickness but I felt it for more than a year now due to her progressively worse health, due to her husband's Alzheimer as well - because people and events wouldn't happen again. Regret because it passed, good times passed and this is the only thing that is left. In this moment, I'm resigned. In this moment, I'm numb.

Shouldn't I cry? Shouldn't I miss her? She deserved someone better. Someone who didn't leave to chase wild imaginations while she was feeling worse and worse.

Last time I saw her, I thought that she's going to die. I said I love her and promised to call her but I never did. I wonder where did she go, like so many times before. If she went anywhere at all.

She was a ray of light during my childhood and now this ray is gone.

I expected it. Everything is lost sooner or later. I don't hate myself for not feeling much. I despise myself, yes, not for the first time but I'm past self-hatred. Hatred is too strong, too exhausting.

I just can't understand it. Why am I so cold?

The funeral is in a few days. I need to leave. I need to think.

Whenever I loose someone, I only feel regret that I didn't give them enough time from my life. That I forgot about them. Anything else? I don't know.

I'm going to miss her sometime in the future but I have already missed her at times for the last two years. The sickness changed her and, despite how selfish it is, I couldn't stay and watch how she's thinner and thinner, more and more sick, less and less alive. She's not hurting and that's good. She had enough hurt in her life.

This post is a very rambling and chaotic one. I apologise for that. I just... don't want to be cold, emotionless, insensitive or called that when I don't cry on funeral enough. Though maybe it's true this and last time.

I ask for advice, although I know that there's no advice to be given. Everyone deals with these things differently. Me? I keep it tighly closed. I keep it buried until my chest bursts in pain. I keep going on until one day I break down, shatter and can't stand up anymore. I will need to gather pieces of that shattered world again.

I'm tired of life destroying everything I ever found precious. Just - tired.

You are human you acted in a human way ,you are shocked ,it's your body's way of stopping you from dying ,you are also autistic so you do not react to death in the same way as someone Who is not autistic.
You are reacting to psychological shock, try to rest .
An interesting biological fact ,when a human dies they are a pound lighter than before death , where does the pound go !?

 

[owlet]

I'd say try to give yourself time and not expect a certain reaction from yourself. I've had experiences of grief where I've cried and others where, even when I was very close to the person, I didn't. You're not supposed to feel or do anything - try to allow yourself that.

 

[Gracey]

With that therapist you mentioned, don't just tell them what you think are the right answers.
Make a real connection, feel completely vulnerable during your session.

As for grief, I've only ever experienced the "sweet sorrow" kind once and yet I've known of many people dying.

I too used to worry about being a heartless monster.
But now I have a different explanation for my lack of feeling.

 

[onlything]

With that therapist you mentioned, don't just tell them what you think are the right answers.
Make a real connection, feel completely vulnerable during your session.

As for grief, I've only ever experienced the "sweet sorrow" kind once and yet I've known of many people dying.

I too used to worry about being a heartless monster.
But now I have a different explanation for my lack of feeling.

Could you elaborate?

 

[Gracey]

Could you elaborate?

There were three separate points. Elaborate on which?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

There were three separate points. Elaborate on which?

You could go for all 3, but I could step in and do the heartless monster one, if you want

But,to be serious, what you say is usually interesting.

I've had two good deaths, the second one much easier than the first. The first took a long time.

My decision now is only ever to go to one more funeral.

But thats a cheat as,being dead, i won't be there

 

[Gracey]

You could go for all 3, but I could step in and do the heartless monster one, if you want

But,to be serious, what you say is usually interesting.

I've had two good deaths, the second one much easier than the first. The first took a long time.

My decision now is only ever to go to one more funeral.

But thats a cheat as,being dead, i won't be there

Ditto with the deaths.
The first meaningful death was a confusing struggle between how I felt and what the unwritten sociatal expectations were, in addition to not having ever been expected to grieve before.

The second, like you say, was much, much easier. It was a relative I loved wholeheartedly.
It was easier to let go and feel everything. Heartbreak, sadness, sorrow and even love. Memories of being loved and accepted made the sorrow sweeter in some way.
Not the harrowing, wrenching loss I imagined.