Conversations with people...

[DogwoodTree]

I tend not to worry so much about awkward silences

Oh yes, the silences. I have a hard enough time feeling connected when there's verbal exchange going on...a back and forth. But the silences feel especially isolating, even though I actually enjoy silence when I'm alone. However, in a conversation, it still feels awkward and lonely, like I'm doing something wrong and offending the other person.

My therapist talked about this a little at my session this past week. He says that for many people, the silent spaces in the conversation can provide a sense of connection in a different way, and that it's okay to sit in silence sometimes. He says that a person who keeps needing to fill the silences is showing that they're anxious. But I told him it feels rude to me to not keep a conversation going. It's not that I don't like silence, because I do. But being quiet in someone's presence feels rude, like I'm ignoring them and it'll hurt their feelings.

I don't know if that's an aspie misunderstanding, or if that was trained into me by my codependent mother. I know my mom is offended if there are silences in our conversation. Even when I've explained that I sometimes need quiet when we're on long drives together, she gets her feelings hurt and complains about my silence to family members (happened just a couple of months ago). So then I'm even more afraid of allowing quiet time when anyone else is around.

 

[Toni]

I read online about good conversations because i have troubles keeping them flowing. I didn´t understand well that you need to speak about something superficial first before going to more intimate things. There´s this girl i like and i quess i wanted to tell little bit about myself so i shared what i feel and struggle with these days with her. And i fear i was too honest too soon. It seems i should have started with something more superficial and move to "deeper" things later. I need to keep practising. I feel like superficial things are boring and would like to go more meaningful things right away, but this seems to be the wrong way of doing it, when you are speaking to someone you don´t know very well.

 

[Judge]

Oh yes, the silences. I have a hard enough time feeling connected when there's verbal exchange going on...a back and forth. But the silences feel especially isolating, even though I actually enjoy silence when I'm alone. However, in a conversation, it still feels awkward and lonely, like I'm doing something wrong and offending the other person.

I sometimes wonder if that feeling is confined to exchanges with Neurotypicals, or whether or not it would happen as well with a conversation between two Aspies.

I'd like to think those long periods where neither Aspie felt inclined to speak would go down much easier, knowing that there is no "penalty", or sense of a need to feel awkward with my own kind. To be able to say nothing, other than perhaps to smile at that person, knowing there is no unwritten rule or requirement to fill the air with words that have no meaning.

Maybe it's just a "pipe dream" of sorts. I really don't know.

 

[Mia]

I don't know if that's an aspie misunderstanding, or if that was trained into me by my codependent mother..... So then I'm even more afraid of allowing quiet time when anyone else is around.

Used to feel a similar awkwardness Dogwood, people I know hurriedly attempt to fill the spaces of a conversation if there are pauses. Social conventions for carrying on a conversation are deeply established in childhood by listening to adult conversations, teachers, and listening in church.

In N/T society pauses are often to provide focus, so that the person pausing can direct the conversation. Professors and ministers often do this when speaking publicly. The point is to make the listener slightly uncomfortable, so that they focus on what's being said. Likely why people in general find silence uncomfortable.

There have been few people I can comfortably sit in silence with, my husband's grandmother and my spouse and possibly a close friend will tolerate silence. It's taken me many years to learn to find it comforting, instead of anxiety provoking, perhaps ego lessens as we age.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I can, and people have remarked about how I'm too social to be Autistic. The thing is, I have a list of pre-planned conversations and answers in my head. I have a really difficult time making small talk or have conversations when the talk turns in a direction I hadn't planned for. It's like hitting a brick wall in my head.

I don't like conversing with people I don't really know but I know that people get angry if I don't respond or talk with them.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

It depends on the subject, the person/people, how many people, surroundings. I cannot hold a conversation if there's a lot of background noise as I simply can't hear above the din, and I find myself zoning out if there are a lot of conversations going on at once. If I'm relating something to someone and am interrupted, I can't wait for the interrupter to go away so I can finish what I was saying; I'm learning to let it go if I have to, but I have been known to resume the topic even after multiple interruptions as I have to get it out of my system to move on.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

My approach is to not try too hard, make them laugh a bit and then pull away and see if they let you move away or not (if they dont then they clearly wanna talk to you and if they do then they're either busy or was happy to leave the conv there). I always want to be the p3erson who says "Right...well I'd better crack on then" etc as I kinda feel guilty at times if the other person says that as I feel like I've been rabmling for too long.

And yet, most people seem to want to say these things anyway. So then I'm either bored out of my mind, or racking my brains trying to understand how they're amused by the conversation. And I keep wanting to mix it up, and say something different, and make it "real." I want to be genuine and original and creative in my conversations, not stuck to scripts all the time. But I can't think that fast to come up with something that would actually feel like a connection with the other person.

Yes very true for me, though I'm happy to compromise.

I have occasional good days and tons of bad days. I find it all very exhausting, because people seem to accept a certain type of conversation with one person, but won't with another

Very true.

As soon as I walk into a room with many people, I want to turn around and walk out again!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'd like to think those long periods where neither Aspie felt inclined to speak would go down much easier

I've been to a couple of aspie support meetings locally, and a couple of times it's just been me and the leader. Maybe neither of us is very practiced with silence in conversations, I don't know, but we didn't allow many stalls. The difference between talking and not-talking seemed more clear-cut, though...one of us would finish what we were saying, and the other wouldn't necessarily have anything to say back, so it would suddenly get silent. And then one of us would think of something else to say and the talking would start right back up...it kinda happened in spurts.

It's taken me many years to learn to find it comforting, instead of anxiety provoking

I guess I'll keep working at it, then... It feels like wasted time to me, though. Conversation is for communicating, and if you're not talking, then it seems like the only thing being communicated is "awkardness."

I always want to be the p3erson who says "Right...well I'd better crack on then" etc as I kinda feel guilty at times if the other person says that as I feel like I've been rabmling for too long.

Yes, exactly. I'll cut a conversation short, even though I'd rather keep talking, just so I don't impose on the other person. I hate that feeling that I've overstayed my welcome.

 

[Evil Genius]

For me, being a fly-on-the-wall anthropology type when I'm not involved in something, I often times can predict everything that is going to be said, and things that aren't said but should be. Once I get placed in that situation, I go blank. For instance, when my NT wife is not feeling the day very well and searches for some special comment or whatever from me. It is very easy to say "you should tell her this, or that, or the other." But being put on the spot for that, I go blank, which makes that worse from a relationship standpoint.

With other NTs, my conversations are always to the point, unless they hit on a topic that I've particularly read a lot about lately, or have some kind of passion about the subject.

All that being said, I hate small talk. For me, small talk is just a different topic. Sometimes, people will get stuck on conversations they didn't intend to have with me because of that.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Yes, exactly. I'll cut a conversation short, even though I'd rather keep talking, just so I don't impose on the other person. I hate that feeling that I've overstayed my welcome

"Um, sorry to cut you short but I'm in a bit of a rush....um....nice talking to you though yer"

 

[clearly]

This is an interesting topic as conversations have always been an absolute nightmare for me to the point where I still hide behind a tree to avoid certain people when I am walking my dogs, mainly the loud shouty dog walkers who try to follow me on my walks.

I try to have something in my head to say to people, but this is not always possible as they can be very unpredictable in their responses - leaving me feeling dumbstruck. The first couple of hellos to the same people are fine but if I see them a lot I am stuck for things to say and usually hide from them or change my route.

I have always found people love to talk about themselves so I try to plant a seed in the conversation, get them to talk and once they are 'off' I just need to smile and nod occasionally and tune out lol.

I find it easier to avoid people, but realise it's easier to do for me than others as I work from home and go out when it suits me. I have no problem talking to most dog walkers as we talk about our dogs, which is easy and my bonkers doodles always break the ice.

I rarely go out without my dogs in tow now.

 

[ErinH]

It depends on my mood sometimes but most of the time I find conversations very awkward (apart from with my fiancé). I will often be listening to the other person while thinking in my head "oh my god, when are they going to leave. Just leave, leave!" and also while digging my nails into the palm of my hand. This all helps to keep a straight face instead of looking bewildered/confused or scared. As far as the talking is concerned, I try to do the reaction I think they would like, while also staying honest to how I feel. I almost 100% of the time fumble my words and introduce some awkward undertone to the whole interaction! I have to be extremely close to someone to be completely at ease. Some days if I am feeling relaxed, conversation will come more easily and I will dare to ask questions and try to keep the conversation going. I find I am the most engaged and least awkward when I am trying to help somebody if they are sad or need support.