Constantly Making Mistakes

[Owliet]

It's been this way in every job. This new job is no different. Obviously there's a grace period being a new person. Plus my training was with someone who is only in the office about 25% of the week. Sink or swim so to speak. It helps you adapt quickly. But once the routine begins, I start making mistakes and they happen a lot more often than other people.

Not only that, but when it costs the company money. Then what? Initially, a grace period. But once the pattern continues, and my efforts to check, re-check and double check still has errors slipping through. What then?

Making mistakes causes me a cascade of anxiety. This is ontop of the daily worry, lack of sense of safety and other jazz going on. This year in general has been higher in anxiety and stress than recent history. So you could pin some of it on that, or the ADHD, or whatever else.

Fact is - I keep making mistakes. In previous jobs it got me into meetings with managers, people telling me the mistakes "can't continue". Threats of disciplinary action. One job even ended up with me having meetings with the director.

I'm terrified of making mistakes. When I make them - my fight or flight kicks in. I admit to them, but I feel humbled, and I feel incapable. I guess I feel like an imposter. Not able to do simple tasks repeatedly without making mistakes.

This job involves spreadsheets, various sites, paperwork, data entry. You need to do a heck of a lot of steps in order to get things done. It's very stop start, as you wait for replies from customers, hauliers, the mill, my colleagues. Once again, I'm in a job which isn't best suited for me. Multi-tasking, and focusing on accurately imputting info takes a lot out of me. I check and re-check and still keep making mistakes.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I get stuck in a vicious cycle:

Fear of making mistakes > Mistakes occur > Anxiety/stress > More mistakes occur

Today I made a mistake and text my bosses partner when I got home to say what'd happened, after fretting and panicking the whole way home. Get home, go upstairs and then notice I also took some keys home with me after unlocking a container. Ring work, colleague speaks with the boss who says "don't worry about it". Yet all I seem to be doing is worrying more about it.

How long until I start getting in trouble in this job? It's the best paid job I've had. When I first saw my pay I thought it was a mistake. Checked my tax code, checked with the woman in accounts. All correct. Don't feel worthy of the salary. Keep making mistakes. Eventually I fear they'll fire me for my incompetancy.

I really wish there was an off button in my brain. I work myself into a panic. But as I said before - I've always struggled with mistakes, in every job, in uni and college and school. Always being told I'm a fast worker, but make too many mistakes. When I try and slow it down, my brains starts to fizz, because I know I can work faster. Eventually I'm back up to my old speed. But when re-checking my work isn't fixing the problem, what on earth am I supposed to do?

I'm dreading going into work tomorrow. Every day I'm catching multiple errors through re-checking my work, but still other errors slip through. Some I can correct, others I have to raise my hand and say to the higher ups that I've messed up (again).

It really does shatter my self confidence, and the amount of panic and anxiety I feel when a mistake is made is utterly exhausting. My brain is feeling frazzled right now, and I won't know what'll happen until tomorrow. So I have to try my best to "let go" and enjoy my evening. All the while I'm convinced tomorrow I'm going to get told off.

This cycle of mistakes and anxiety is honestly exhausting. But I make mistakes constantly even when I'm doing things I enjoy doing. I don't know what it is? Impulsivity is one explanation, but distraction is another. I remember unlocking the toilets and storage container today, but before I set off to unlock the doors I told myself "don't forget to go straight back and put the keys back" but I got distracted and forgot. Then it turns out I took the keys home with me. I phoned the office as I was driving back to work. But then turned around when I was told not to worry about it. Once I hung up the phone I was panic stricken so much that I started to gag and wretch and felt like I was going to throw up.

I feel like a god damn idiot. I'd hoped verbalising it all would help, but it hasn't. Anxiety and panic have been so high that my chest really hurts. I just have to get through the aftermath of such high anxiety, because it's now riled up my daily aches and pains. I'm so tired of feeling like an incompetant. Truth is I know I'm more than capable of the job. I just can't ever seem to do anything consistently or methodically.

Ed

I am sorry you’re feeling like this — it is a horrible feeling. I don’t have much helpful advice to give but I know that the feeling that you may make a mistake or do something wrong is a big fear and impacts your confidence when doing something because you’re focusing on wanting to do a good job but also worry that you will make a mistake, so that anxiety constantly plays around you. With the keys, I think everyone has done something similiar, and it shows a lot of integrity that you felt that you needed to let your work know about this mistake. Don’t be too hard on yourself, I know that’s easier said than done and I hope that today is much better.=)

 

[Gracey]

Your boss will be able to see how much the key thing matters to you (that's brownie points in your favour Ed)
He'll see keen and conscientious. Committed and reliable.
-as opposed to us covertly trying to prevent the panic we feel after making mistakes


It was great to read you had a chance to process events.

Stress hormones can interfere with and semi-rob us of memory too.
So next time you're distracted, stressed and worried you may not remember where abouts in a certain task or process you were up to NOT because you're soley incompetent/rookie/ Aspie/Adhd but simply because the stress response naturally shuts down much of memory.
It diverts power and resources to our systems required for fight or flight.
Awesome process for survival. Pants for remembering stuff

The less we remember, the more we panic and the more we panic the less we will remember.
Chasing our own tails so to speak.

I hope you can figure out a method that works for you Ed.