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Confused about relationship

No, it's not just fortune, it's fortitude. They have women only groups in AA, cos a lot of guys just use it to find a drinking woman/buddy. The alcohol/drugs community will offer some acceptance to us, but we're not really their core tribe.
 
Of course you can't know, nobody can. But that doesn't mean there won't be. You are not the same person you were when you met him, and while I don't know how old you are now, getting the chance to be single for a while may be exactly what you need. Then, when you least expect it, someone else will turn up and you'll be ready for them.

Thank you for the encouragement. I am 36. His friends always tell him I'm a lovely person and to treat me better. He didn't take their advice. I'm just thankful we never had kids.
 
One thing you have to remember is that you cannot fix him,...just as nobody can fix you. At some point, some apiphany must happen in order for anyone to fix themselves,...in the mean time,...it is a cascade of destructive behaviors. Addiction to alcohol, certain drugs, food,...whatever,...is a sign of a neurotransmitter imbalance,...often dopamine. Depression is usually the underlying mechanism,...low dopamine and serotonin. The depression may have always been there,...but then certain life events may trigger a crisis,...death of a loved one, loss of a job, being bullied or belittled, physical and mental abuse,...whatever. My logical brain says go to the "first principles". If you can realistically find a pathway out of the problem you're faced with,...do that. If not,...for your own mental health,...you cannot stay in that situation and let the other person drag you under. Basically, it's an ultimatum on the relationship. He gets some help, fixes the situation, or you're out. You cannot let your sense of low self esteem pull you under because he's the only one you've found so far that has given you the attention you want. Too many people suffer needlessly of physical and mental abuse, unloving relationships, destructive relationships, etc because of those few, intermittent moments when you actually treat each other well. It should be all the time,...not some of the time. Life is way too short to be unhappy.
 
Thank you. Yes, you are correct. He doesn't seem too concerned about me. He just seems concerned about his own situation. I have talked to him before about his drinking and how it's affecting my health but this doesn't seem to bother him. He does say he is not giving up. He says without alcohol there is no life.

I don't know if there is anybody else for me. I met him when I was 27 and he is the first long term relationship I had. Other men I knew found me too strange and different to be in a relationship with. At the moment I think I would be better off being single than with him.

You seem like a great and caring person. From what I see there are many great functional and intelligent guys on the forum too that are single and looking and show responsibility, so, if, whenever you are ready to move on physically and mentally from the man you are with, I hope you would certainly consider seeing if one of them could be a potential fit too, as many may have trouble initiating but express themselves well, and seem mostly great, intelligent and just wanting a chance, too.

Or if you or others on the forum state more about the positives, skills and/or interests you have, or needs in a mate you have, or share those traits in another that would cause you much stress, that helps as well, to make better choices and less relationship mistakes. I am a believer in not waiting for things in life, if one needs more out of life, and taking chances or doing things untraditionally if need be, too. I see too many persons in life fearing rejection, or fearing initiating or looking needy in a way, so they sit back not realizing they have much to offer, and that everyone has needs.
 
One thing you have to remember is that you cannot fix him,...just as nobody can fix you. At some point, some apiphany must happen in order for anyone to fix themselves,...in the mean time,...it is a cascade of destructive behaviors. Addiction to alcohol, certain drugs, food,...whatever,...is a sign of a neurotransmitter imbalance,...often dopamine. Depression is usually the underlying mechanism,...low dopamine and serotonin. The depression may have always been there,...but then certain life events may trigger a crisis,...death of a loved one, loss of a job, being bullied or belittled, physical and mental abuse,...whatever. My logical brain says go to the "first principles". If you can realistically find a pathway out of the problem you're faced with,...do that. If not,...for your own mental health,...you cannot stay in that situation and let the other person drag you under. Basically, it's an ultimatum on the relationship. He gets some help, fixes the situation, or you're out. You cannot let your sense of low self esteem pull you under because he's the only one you've found so far that has given you the attention you want. Too many people suffer needlessly of physical and mental abuse, unloving relationships, destructive relationships, etc because of those few, intermittent moments when you actually treat each other well. It should be all the time,...not some of the time. Life is way too short to be unhappy.

Yes, this is true. I feel I've given him enough time to get help with his issues. I told him yesterday its best to break up. I'm already staying with my parents. It will take a bit of time to sort everything out.
 
You seem like a great and caring person. From what I see there are many great functional and intelligent guys on the forum too that are single and looking and show responsibility, so, if, whenever you are ready to move on physically and mentally from the man you are with, I hope you would certainly consider seeing if one of them could be a potential fit too, as many may have trouble initiating but express themselves well, and seem mostly great, intelligent and just wanting a chance, too.

Or if you or others on the forum state more about the positives, skills and/or interests you have, or needs in a mate you have, or share those traits in another that would cause you much stress, that helps as well, to make better choices and less relationship mistakes. I am a believer in not waiting for things in life, if one needs more out of life, and taking chances or doing things untraditionally if need be, too. I see too many persons in life fearing rejection, or fearing initiating or looking needy in a way, so they sit back not realizing they have much to offer, and that everyone has needs.

Thank you! It is a little soon to start thinking about meeting someone new but it is nice to read there are some good men out there. It gives hope.
 
I'm. Sorry you are in this situation and also for him. We don't choose to be autistic. I also believe that people don't choose to be addicted to things.

That being said it's probably better to do what it seems like you are doing, because people with alcohol or drug issues tend to bring everyone down with them. I know because I have had experiences myself.

Also, the acceptance is not easily found. So I can see why you'd not be too happy to sever the ties, acceptance is rare.

I wish you both the best of luck.
 
I'm. Sorry you are in this situation and also for him. We don't choose to be autistic. I also believe that people don't choose to be addicted to things.

That being said it's probably better to do what it seems like you are doing, because people with alcohol or drug issues tend to bring everyone down with them. I know because I have had experiences myself.

Also, the acceptance is not easily found. So I can see why you'd not be too happy to sever the ties, acceptance is rare.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Thank you. I agree with you.

Yes, the acceptance is rare. But like you say I do feel he is dragging me down.

I really hope things work out well for him. He was a good guy when we first met, very hardworking and helped out many people in his free time. He was one of the most kindhearted people I met. It is sad how addiction took over. I think a tragedy in his family might have been part of the reason he became so dependent on alcohol. I don't really know.

He used his savings to pay his share of the bills. He was not using up my money.

I just hope things will work out for him somehow. I need to move on.
 
Thank you. I agree with you.

Yes, the acceptance is rare. But like you say I do feel he is dragging me down.

I really hope things work out well for him. He was a good guy when we first met, very hardworking and helped out many people in his free time. He was one of the most kindhearted people I met. It is sad how addiction took over. I think a tragedy in his family might have been part of the reason he became so dependent on alcohol. I don't really know.

He used his savings to pay his share of the bills. He was not using up my money.

I just hope things will work out for him somehow. I need to move on.
I can tell you are a lovely person because most of that post is talking about how nice a guy he was. Hard-working, helped out, kindhearted, etc.

I know you say you need to move on, and you still care about him even though you know he's not good for you. You think without the alcohol addiction he would be that guy again, and yet that guy no longer exists. Your kindness allows you to see beyond the issues to the point where you may not actually let him go, even though you know you should.

Relationships are so bloody complicated, even the ones that are simply not working. Staying far longer than we know we should, and I have experience in this matter because I've done that, more than once.

I wish you luck and I'm sure it will all work out in the end. I always say the journey is the destination. Life is certainly a challenge. At least you have your parents to move back into.
 
I can tell you are a lovely person because most of that post is talking about how nice a guy he was. Hard-working, helped out, kindhearted, etc.

I know you say you need to move on, and you still care about him even though you know he's not good for you. You think without the alcohol addiction he would be that guy again, and yet that guy no longer exists. Your kindness allows you to see beyond the issues to the point where you may not actually let him go, even though you know you should.

Relationships are so bloody complicated, even the ones that are simply not working. Staying far longer than we know we should, and I have experience in this matter because I've done that, more than once.

I wish you luck and I'm sure it will all work out in the end. I always say the journey is the destination. Life is certainly a challenge. At least you have your parents to move back into.

Those are wise words!

Yes, I'm lucky to have my parents. They are having some health issues and it's great I'm here and able to help them out.
 
Also listen to yourself first. You don't have to throw yourself into another relationship. You need to pick up the pieces of you and put them together again and focus on your life. You spent much time watching his life and because you are a giving person you forgot about yours. I often think about someone l like and l have to remind myself, no they wouldn't like me if l took that choice no matter how crappy my life feels.
 
Also listen to yourself first. You don't have to throw yourself into another relationship. You need to pick up the pieces of you and put them together again and focus on your life. You spent much time watching his life and because you are a giving person you forgot about yours. I often think about someone l like and l have to remind myself, no they wouldn't like me if l took that choice no matter how crappy my life feels.

That's really good advice, thanks.
 

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