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Confused about relationship

Primrose

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I would appreciate any thoughts on my situation.

About 10 years ago I met a man and after a few years we started dating. He accepted my Aspergers and didn't find me strange like other people do. We are living together for 6 years. In the beginning we were happy but he developed a serious drinking problem and its affecting his health. He was drinking before we met, it just got a lot worse over the years. Living together got very stressful. He lost his job and his friends because of his drinking.

I've tried my best to support him through the difficult times but it's all getting too much for me. He does not want to stop drinking. I feel the best thing for me to do is end the relationship. It's so difficult though. I feel guilty about it. It will mean moving back to my parents. And I may never meet another man who will accept me.

I feel very confused about this relationship.
 
If he doesn't want to stop - and you want to move on, you need to plan for that. Get a plan in place with regards to where you'll go, finances etc. Then you'll need to break it to him.

Don't worry about meeting another man, right now you need to focus on you. Fear of not meeting someone else isn't a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I was an alcoholic myself for many years, and I know what a burden it can put on a relationship. I also know that nobody can make you quit, except yourself. People often try to change for other people, but that often isn't a good enough reason. Quitting is very difficult, but it can be done. If he doesn't want to stop though, it can't be forced - I know that only too well. I had so many failed attempts before it finally stuck.

Break ups aren't easy. I've just gone through one myself 5 weeks ago. We're in the process of getting the house ready to go on the market, and I too am looking to move back to my parents for a while.

The person I recently broke up with was the first person I was truly myself around. So I'm a little worried about the future too. But the end of a bad relationship, whilst initially a shock - is truly liberating once things have settled and new routines have begun.

Ed
 
Raggamuffin said:
If he doesn't want to stop - and you want to move on, you need to plan for that. Get a plan in place with regards to where you'll go, finances etc. Then you'll need to break it to him.

Don't worry about meeting another man, right now you need to focus on you. Fear of not meeting someone else isn't a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I was an alcoholic myself for many years, and I know what a burden it can put on a relationship. I also know that nobody can make you quit, except yourself. People often try to change for other people, but that often isn't a good enough reason. Quitting is very difficult, but it can be done. If he doesn't want to stop though, it can't be forced - I know that only too well. I had so many failed attempts before it finally stuck.

Break ups aren't easy. I've just gone through one myself 5 weeks ago. We're in the process of getting the house ready to go on the market, and I too am looking to move back to my parents for a while.

The person I recently broke up with was the first person I was truly myself around. So I'm a little worried about the future too. But the end of a bad relationship, whilst initially a shock - is truly liberating once things have settled and new routines have begun.

Ed
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Thank you for sharing your experience Ed. Your post helped. I hope things work out well for you.

If we break up he will have to return to his country, after 20 years in my country. He won't be entitled to any social security benefits there. I know it will be very hard for him. But maybe this is what he needs to quit drinking.
 
Primrose said:
I talked to him about breaking up. He is shocked and worried for his future. I feel very sad about it all.
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Of course he's shocked and worried. His free ride is ending. I notice you didn't mention him saying anything about you. Basically I see it like you are still willing to remain miserable with a bum, out of pity, so that he can remain a comfortable bum.

He may not be a bum underneath the alcoholic but that has been his life choice to become one.
 
Tom said:
Of course he's shocked and worried. His free ride is ending. I notice you didn't mention him saying anything about you. Basically I see it like you are still willing to remain miserable with a bum, out of pity, so that he can remain a comfortable bum.

He may not be a bum underneath the alcoholic but that has been his life choice to become one.
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Oh. I would not say I was always miserable with him. Some of the happiest times of my life were with him. It was not all bad. That's why it's so hard to leave.
 
Be careful. Human emotions look so easy on paper. I have had LTRs and thought I was going to be so strong----and ended up missing that person terribly. You get all hard at times and then you see that person's weaknesses and remember the love you had for them.

When we envision our future selves, we often make the mistake of not seeing realism or emotions, etc. I don't think I would ever cut someone off without knowing they are ok. Irony is that I am usually the one that has most challenges, so I have not had to worry about exs.
 
The AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) book has a chapter with advice for spouses and employers of alcoholics. I think we can include girlfriends, fiancée's, etc.

It basically says that you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic to get better, and that you need to take whatever measures you feel are necessary to protect yourself. It very strongly states that you shouldn't put up with them just to protect them from the consequences of their own alcohol abuse.

I 100% agree with this. You should not sacrifice your own well-being and happiness for their sake.

The hard truth behind this is that you cannot recover for someone and you cannot force someone else to be sober. In some cases, all you can do is take care of yourself.

If you feel like it will be too difficult to do this, or to do it alone, I recommend looking for an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is a support meeting for people who have an alcoholic in their life. You will find people there that are in the same situation as you, and people that have gone through the same situation have advice, experience, and compassion to share.
 
OkRad said:
Be careful. Human emotions look so easy on paper. I have had LTRs and thought I was going to be so strong----and ended up missing that person terribly. You get all hard at times and then you see that person's weaknesses and remember the love you had for them.

When we envision our future selves, we often make the mistake of not seeing realism or emotions, etc. I don't think I would ever cut someone off without knowing they are ok. Irony is that I am usually the one that has most challenges, so I have not had to worry about exs.
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I will miss him a lot for sure. We had so many good times together. I talk to him about everything. He knows how to calm me when I'm anxious. Ending things is heartbreaking. But I can't put up with the stress of living with him any longer.
 
Nervous Rex said:
The AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) book has a chapter with advice for spouses and employers of alcoholics. I think we can include girlfriends, fiancée's, etc.

It basically says that you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic to get better, and that you need to take whatever measures you feel are necessary to protect yourself. It very strongly states that you shouldn't put up with them just to protect them from the consequences of their own alcohol abuse.

I 100% agree with this. You should not sacrifice your own well-being and happiness for their sake.

The hard truth behind this is that you cannot recover for someone and you cannot force someone else to be sober. In some cases, all you can do is take care of yourself.

If you feel like it will be too difficult to do this, or to do it alone, I recommend looking for an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is a support meeting for people who have an alcoholic in their life. You will find people there that are in the same situation as you, and people that have gone through the same situation have advice, experience, and compassion to share.
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Thank you. Yes, I was attending Al Anon meetings before Covid. I was very awkward at them - social anxiety. But yes it helped. I worked through the 12 step program. After Covid I might go back to the meetings.
 
I grew up with an abusive Alcoholic father and an enabling mother who rather have us children suffer than leave him. She loved him too, she said, and her love for him was more than her love for her children and herself.

So, I admit, I may have some bias, but...

Sorry, but, it looks like his love for his beer is stronger than his love for you and the country he is in, and any other benefits from that. He rather have his beer than all of that, and that shows how much his thinking is off from that alcoholism and sickness.

Yes, alcoholism is a condition, and you had great times together, too, and some love for each other, and he likely has a great side too. But, if he does not put his health first, he is putting your health second. Soon, if not already, you will be surviving and not living.

From how you described things, it does not sound like he is worrying much about your daily stress. He seems to be making it sound like he is the victim, so you are buying into that. Call him on his bluff to show your strength. Tell him both of your health is deteriorating, and you cannot be a part of that.

Alcoholics kill relationships, personalities, and lives daily, with the abuses, drunk driving and neglect they cause. I have little empathy for them, sorry. Many people have bad lives and do not choose that path and drugs. They get medical help for their issues instead, and do not blame others directly or indirectly for their problems.

I am wishing you the best whatever you decide, but I feel there are lots better persons out there for you, as it looks like he values beer more than you and your health, if he says he is not giving it up..
 
So tough for you. But healing yourself is important. I have stood by a bipolar for 18 years. It was hard. We finally discussed some of the issues.
 
1ForAll said:
I grew up with an abusive Alcoholic father and an enabling mother who rather have us children suffer than leave him. She loved him too, she said, and her love for him was more than her love for her children and herself.

So, I admit, I may have some bias, but...

Sorry, but, it looks like his love for his beer is stronger than his love for you and the country he is in, and any other benefits from that. He rather have his beer than all of that, and that shows how much his thinking is off from that alcoholism and sickness.

Yes, alcoholism is a condition, and you had great times together, too, and some love for each other, and he likely has a great side too. But, if he does not put his health first, he is putting your health second. Soon, if not already, you will be surviving and not living.

From how you described things, it does not sound like he is worrying much about your daily stress. He seems to be making it sound like he is the victim, so you are buying into that. Call him on his bluff to show your strength. Tell him both of your health is deteriorating, and you cannot be a part of that.

Alcoholics kill relationships, personalities, and lives daily, with the abuses, drunk driving and neglect they cause. I have little empathy for them, sorry. Many people have bad lives and do not choose that path and drugs. They get medical help for their issues instead, and do not blame others directly or indirectly for their problems.

I am wishing you the best whatever you decide, but I feel there are lots better persons out there for you, as it looks like he values beer more than you and your health, if he says he is not giving it up..
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Thank you. Yes, you are correct. He doesn't seem too concerned about me. He just seems concerned about his own situation. I have talked to him before about his drinking and how it's affecting my health but this doesn't seem to bother him. He does say he is not giving up. He says without alcohol there is no life.

I don't know if there is anybody else for me. I met him when I was 27 and he is the first long term relationship I had. Other men I knew found me too strange and different to be in a relationship with. At the moment I think I would be better off being single than with him.
 
Mia said:
Coming from a family with several siblings who are chronic alcoholics, I understand the pain. It was hard to watch them slowly change from individuals I admired and cared about to people who lost their love of life to alcoholism.

It's been a long and steady decline over forty years or so. They stopped pursuing their goals and desires and it seems they gave up, deciding instead to slowly annihilate themselves over a lengthy period of time.

Attended AA meetings for family members, and learned how not to enable, read many books and researched alcoholism for years in an attempt to understand. Eventually I had
to distance myself.

The slurred speech, the intellect slowed, the shaking hands and red faces, the loss of appetite, it broke my heart to see them that way. There was nothing I could do and it was
a burden I could no longer carry. I still care for them from a distance, but it destroyed the family. I would give anything to see them the way they used to be, but it's not possible.

No one can make the kind of decision you are considering without a great deal of grief and mourning for what 'might have been'. Self-preservation can often be one of the deciding factors. When a situation seems chronic, there may be no way to repair it.
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Yes, that all sounds familiar. It is so hard to watch his health deteriorate. And to see him lose interest in everything except drinking.

I do feel like I'm grieving for what could have been. I know I need to move on.
 
It's great you haven't gotten stuck into the booze yourself. Sad to have to lose someone like that, but if his true mate is the bottle, he chose elsewhere. He'll just get worse with aging. Maybe he was looking for a drinking buddy.

Do what's best for you. You have to be a bit selfish in this world, everyone else is.
 
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Primrose said:
I don't know if there is anybody else for me. I met him when I was 27 and he is the first long term relationship I had. Other men I knew found me too strange and different to be in a relationship with. At the moment I think I would be better off being single than with him.
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Of course you can't know, nobody can. But that doesn't mean there won't be. You are not the same person you were when you met him, and while I don't know how old you are now, getting the chance to be single for a while may be exactly what you need. Then, when you least expect it, someone else will turn up and you'll be ready for them.
 
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