Complications of not understanding emotions or explaining them.

[Suzanne]

First, I do apologise in advance and warn that this may be long.

Today later, I have my first encounter with a social worker and petrified; all sorts of horrors my mind is coming out with and although my husband means well, because he is trying to prepare me; just panics me even more.

I have for some time now, felt ashamed and lacking in dignity that I cannot be an active participate financially in my marriage ie if one partner brings in a low wage, usually the other partner compensates by going out to work too. I don't have a licence and so, if hubby fell ill and needed medicine, I could not go and get it, due to blasted social phobia.

So, here is a chance open for me, to perhaps gain some dignity; helping me to maybe find work etc and it is honestly petrifying me; the notion of being around people. Then there is the financial help. I feel ashamed to be asking for it, but know that I am not trying to stinge off the government; yet unless one KNOWS me, they could easily ascertain that I am doing that.

I just want to cancel and hide away!

Not understanding emotions.

Ever since I was a child, I have had this dread of being seen as complicated; I have tried to hide the "real me"; fearful of people being unsettled around me. I FINALLY get it. Complicated translated means: A DEEP THINKER.

But, it is all coming out now, because of seeing a psychiatrist, I am having to face the "real" me and allow others to see that person and it is frightening and I still jump in when they say: sorry for not contacting sooner, because I do not want to be that hypersensitive person that I am!

I think I know why I suffer social phobia now. It is due to the disgusting way I had to live. There was even a petition out to get rid of us, because the family was so disgustingly unhygenic! I was MORTIFIED that this was my family and wanted so desperately to discover that my granny and grandad were my actual parents.

I won't go into detail about how the parents were; but it was deeply shameful. And I think that is why I fear people. Because one: I have this inborn need to be polite ( obviously, nothing wrong with that), but I do not want to say hello to people passing me on the street and yet, I have this pull that I feel rude not. I dread it when I see another person and will turn around and go right back in doors again.

I think that despite my home and me being hygenic, I still feel that shame and I have this sense that I am that shame and therefore, fear people very much.

It is awful to feel like a little girl, when I am certainly not.

 

[WereBear]

I think you have made a great deal of progress in your thinking.

Perhaps the best thing, under your special circumstances, is to concentrate on your social anxiety. One problem at a time, after all.

 

[Suzanne]

I think you have made a great deal of progress in your thinking.

Perhaps the best thing, under your special circumstances, is to concentrate on your social anxiety. One problem at a time, after all.

Just wish it was sooner, because it is so annoying not being able to understand straight away; but I guess it is called: better late then never lol

Yes, indeed, that is what I am doing: just concentrating on the social phobia. I do not get anxious; I get panicked when I have to face people.

It is just every time I have an idea how to grow as it were, something comes along and blows it off and I am left feeling drained.

 

[Chance]

I have for some time now, felt ashamed and lacking in dignity

For some of us this is stolen from us when were young... Things were done to me that still make me want to puke... I think we tend to spend our whole lives trying to understand why, trying to get our dignity back, and trying to understand why it was taken in the first place...

It's a hurt that can't just be ignored lots of times. I see this stuff as mental scars, that I fear others can see and I don't want them seen - that's the whole problem in and of itself...

I also think it's part of why I never feel grown up... I never had a childhood, and I want to fix what cant be fixed in this life.

I get you, and I know (at some level) the battles you fight in your head... Stay strong is all I got to offer
because its all I got... : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

Just want to point out something to both of you- you weren't responsible for the stuff you feel shameful about, I.e. the shame belongs to those who perpetrated the acts and not the victims (you). That's hard to accept I know, but the fact is that other people are not going to see you the way you see yourselves- I think in both your cases, the opinions others have of you are way better than how you feel about yourselves.
Suzanne I think it's admirable that you want to try and become a more contributing partner to your marriage and I believe you will given some time to get used to doing things in a new way.

 

[Suzanne]

I have to leave the house soon to go and see this social worker and I can tell you, I have been in a mental nightmare all morning and well, sort of frozen and just going through the motions of things that need to be done.

I am so scared that she is going to deem me mad and put me into a mental institution.

I cried out to my God and am feeling a little bit calmer now; although still frightened of the unknown.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Suzanne, not going to happen. Social workers can't put people in mental institutions.

 

[Suzanne]

Just to say, it was not exactly a disaster, but we now have another appointment to see a kind of nurse.

Here in France, a social worker's role is not the same as what we expect one is for. Instead I have to see a psychiatrict nurse and apparently she is there for me to talk and talk and talk, which I do not want to do, but have little option available and this is to see if they can help me get through the blockage and gain confidence.

I ended up saying about aspergers and at first, she was a bit surprised, but once hubby and I talked about how I am, she wrote it down on her piece of paper and lost the "oh yeah" look.

She has the impression that I do not have goals and in truth, I guess I do not. I have been diagnosed with social phobia, but in order to either help to seek work or to gain financial aid, I must keep going through this channel.

She was not unkind, but did give a kind of look as to say: what can I do? Which was not exactly helpful and espcially it being in French.

 

[Chance]

Just to say, it was not exactly a disaster, but we now have another appointment to see a kind of nurse.
Here in France, a social worker's role is not the same as what we expect one is for. Instead I have to see a psychiatrict nurse and apparently she is there for me to talk and talk and talk, which I do not want to do, but have little option available and this is to see if they can help me get through the blockage and gain confidence.

I ended up saying about aspergers and at first, she was a bit surprised, but once hubby and I talked about how I am, she wrote it down on her piece of paper and lost the "oh yeah" look.

She has the impression that I do not have goals and in truth, I guess I do not. I have been diagnosed with social phobia, but in order to either help to seek work or to gain financial aid, I must keep going through this channel.

She was not unkind, but did give a kind of look as to say: what can I do? Which was not exactly helpful and espcially it being in French.

I'm sorry they are making you jump through all the hoops... I think it's sort of that way anywhere, including here in the US.

However, while jumping these hoops, get what is yours. It seem at times to be a word game, or expression game that I suck at, but just be YOU, and more than likely at the end of this, no matter what is determined... You will have the HONOR of not allowing others to manipulate you.
Plus lots of the stuff people ask, is just to see how you will react... So sometimes they try to make you flare up, or that has been my experience here. Its all about checking the right boxes in the NT status quo on what and ND is supposed to be... How that works is a mystery to me... : )

In what little I have seen, I do know to always stay calm, yet say what's on your mind... I'm proud of you for trying to find YOU... and I think you will like who who find later, and you will see you are so much stronger than you can ever imagine. Keep your chin up, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[Suzanne]

I'm sorry they are making you jump through all the hoops... I think it's sort of that way anywhere, including here in the US.

However, while jumping these hoops, get what is yours. It seem at times to be a word game, or expression game that I suck at, but just be YOU, and more than likely at the end of this, no matter what is determined... You will have the HONOR of not allowing others to manipulate you.
Plus lots of the stuff people ask, is just to see how you will react... So sometimes they try to make you flare up, or that has been my experience here. Its all about checking the right boxes in the NT status quo on what and ND is supposed to be... How that works is a mystery to me... : )

In what little I have seen, I do know to always stay calm, yet say what's on your mind... I'm proud of you for trying to find YOU... and I think you will like who who find later, and you will see you are so much stronger than you can ever imagine. Keep your chin up, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you SOOO much for this, Chance.

One thing I am standing up against and that is more medication. The one I have been taking is actually having no effect on me and currently, costs me a little bit of money to get ( due to complications with my insurance) and I think that having no effect is just as bad as having a nasty effect and thus, when I see my psychiatrist next week, I will opt out of medicine and agree to therapy for social phobia and this is thanks to @WereBear.

Someone mentioned to me about claustophobia and I looked it up and could not believe how well it matched what I go through and social phobia is on the spectrum as it were. So, probably due to aspergers, social phobia is at play in me, but it is claustophobia that I suffer from.

So difficult to see a "professional" when in truth, I know more than him lol

 

[Gracey]

Well done Suzanne.

My hat goes off to you for all the work your doing.

Like you I also carry that guilt of not contributing financially, it’s my frustration over this that drives me to change my situation and keep on trying to change it when what I’m doing isn’t going to plan,

Again, well done on your progress to date.