SimplyWandering
Well-Known Member
I was wondering if anyone on this site has a comorbid diagnosis of both Autism Spectrum Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and what that looks like or could describe it?
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*Trigger warning for non explicit mentions of self harm, suicide, sexual trauma and eating disorder and detailed descriptions of Borderline Personality Disorder. Please do not read this if you think it will trigger you*
I have both. I am currently on medication for BPD that makes me functional, healthy, and makes almost all of my symptoms almost non existent, although because of the side effects and me building up a tolerance to it I am trying a new one in the same class (atypical antipsychotic). Also I do therapy.
(BTW this is not an advertisement for medication. I personally need it, but I do not think everybody does. I think medication should be a last resort.)
When I am unmedicated however, I feel too much. My mood is extremely unstable. My emotions are unbearable, and even when I am having fun there is a part of me that is wondering when it will be ripped out from under me. Any little perceived slight against me could send me down a spiral until someone else pulls me out of it or I get distracted by something that makes me feel really good. My mood swings can last anywhere from minutes to hours. If I have to cry I cannot stop myself (when I am medicated it is very easy not to cry) and it happens at least once a day. I cannot talk myself down from the edge while I am there. I was suicidal, I was hurting myself, I developed an eating disorder, I hated myself for being out of control. I hated myself for hurting the people who loved me and pushing them away and at the same time would feel anger towards them so strongly that it felt like hatred.
However not all BPD is this extreme (and some is worse). Mine is because of sexual trauma that happened while I was still in diapers, and it messed up my brain chemistry at an extremely early age where brain development is critical. Also I am most certainly not saying that people who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse later in life have it better. All sexual abuse is disgusting and wrong and no one should have to know what it feels like.
While autism can cause distress because of the outside world not lining up in a way that is comfortable with our senses or because of pain and self esteem that stems from other people being abusive or bullies, the discomfort and pain are not internally generated. Borderline Personality Disorder is internal and there is going to be significant pain from the inside. If it weren't for neurotypical people treating me like crap a lot of the time I wouldn't experience any pain from my autism (though I do not have sensory sensitivities like many NDs do so I can't speak to that).
Also just a little weird fact about my personal experience with the two. Sometimes I have a hard time empathizing with people whose experiences I don't share unless I try extremely hard to get in their head and imagine what they are feeling. But when I do empathize with someone (either because I've tried very hard or because I already share their experience) I feel it very strongly and may start crying. (I simply can't listen to Praying by Kesha)
Sorry if this is too much information. I always feel like people will think I am crazy when I open up about this stuff, when all I need is a little help to be healthy. BPD is definitely one of the more disliked mental health issues a person can have.
It's not too much info at all and I appreciate your clarifying this. Do you mind if I ask how they can tell the PTSD from the BPD? I have PTSD but not BPD. PTSD can get very strong, but maybe it's the wider range of emotional intensity that BPD gets that PTSD does not? Also, how does it work with the rigidity of ASD and the instability of BPD? Is one more prominent on some days and others on another day?
I am very sorry about what happened to you and I hope that person went to jail and is still there. Makes me mad.
I had this too when i was child and i stopped because i realized how bad this was. Never had it since or suppressed this feelings.I hated myself for being out of control. I hated myself for hurting the people who loved me and pushing them away and at the same time would feel anger towards them so strongly that it felt like hatred.
This could be side effect of anxiety, you might be simply used to swallowing air when nervous thus burps and gas.I have everything she just described, including gas... *farts* *burps*
Actually, I'm always having gas.. But I get it from my mother who has trapped has worse than I do, and I probably have it cause she was pregnant with me when she had it. Plus, I have a lot of sinus, and I'm always closed up, even by the way I talk. I'm taking prescription nasal sprays right now. Idk if I am still swallowing air, even when being closed up most of the time..This could be side effect of anxiety, you might be simply used to swallowing air when nervous thus burps and gas.