Child wants to go downstairs every night

[AGriffen]

Hello,

My son is 6 and high functioning ASD.

For the past month he has woken me up in the night (random time between 1030-4am) every night asking to go downstairs (living room).

He will argue and melt down if I tell him to go back to bed.

I have made the downstairs unappealing (dark, lower heat, no toys, no cushions on the couch, no crafts, etc), and made his room more inviting (sound machine, heater, glow stickers, cubby area to sleep if he doesnt want to be in bed, favorite items upstairs only after bedtime.

The thing is, he would rather sleep on the floor in the living room than in his room.

Any advice?

Thanks in advance!

AG

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

is there a night light in his room for him?

 

[Forest Cat]

Is he having nightmares? That would explain why he would rather sleep on the floor in a different room than in his own bed. I had night terrors when I was your sons age and the last thing I wanted was to be in my bedroom. Nothing could make that room more appealing after the experiences I had there.

I think I would simply tell him that if he wakes up and wants to go sleep on the couch or something downstairs, he can take his blanket and pillow with him and do that. And he doesn't have to wake you up first.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Argue/ Melt Down- This is the time that parents have to show their authority. As long as there is no abuse of others or property damage, allow the tantrum to happen. They can kick and flail on the floor all they want, but it will not sway your opinion.

Does he ever ask about cosleeping? It is okay to cuddle with him. Some kids need the security of another person nearby.

Here's a thought- Do you ever want to have campouts in his room? Maybe if he stays in bed all week, on Friday night, the parents can come in and maybe even put up a tent, and have a real camp out on his bedroom floor. Bring a battery operated lantern, hot dogs, microwave smores, etc. Make it really fun, like camping would be.

Maybe during the week, even, he can sleep in the tent in his room. Give him a little led lantern. Maybe some books inside the tent too. All his teddy bears.

You might find that he spends most of his time in the tent. It will be his secret hideout.

Here's another thought- Maybe what you guys need is a dog. He'll stay in bed if there's a big, cuddly dog there with him. It could make him feel braver about being in his room.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I still get out of bed in middle of the night mind to active.

 

[Judge]

Maybe it isn't a matter of wanting to go downstairs so much that there may be something in or about his bedroom that bothers or scares him. Have you asked him about it along such lines?

 

[Jumpinbare]

My younger son is intellectually disabled (ID2) rather than autistic, but when he was 6 we did get him a tent. It was one of the best moves we made. He loved it, and not only slept in there, but went in the tent when he just wanted quiet time.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Maybe he doesn't like heights and feels safer when he's downstairs. When I was younger I go down into the basement a lot when my anxiety was really high.

 

[AGriffen]

Thank you very much for the feedback and suggestions!

I put our mesh tent in his room with his mattress inside and he stayed in his room all night for the first night in a long time!

 

[MNAus]

Thank you very much for the feedback and suggestions!

I put our mesh tent in his room with his mattress inside and he stayed in his room all night for the first night in a long time!

Wonderful!!!

 

[Rodafina]

Thank you very much for the feedback and suggestions!

I put our mesh tent in his room with his mattress inside and he stayed in his room all night for the first night in a long time!

This is great news. Thank you for the update.

 

[grommet]

Argue/ Melt Down- This is the time that parents have to show their authority. As long as there is no abuse of others or property damage, allow the tantrum to happen. They can kick and flail on the floor all they want, but it will not sway your opinion.

No, no, no. Do not stand up to a child having a meltdown, they are suffering. Using enough authority or force to make them stop and hide what is going on inside them will make them miserable and only learn to hide what they are feeling because they fear repercussions. As soon as they are able they will leave and stay away from anyone who does this to them.

People need soothing. They need to calm down from the inside. Forcing someone to stop showing their meltdown is only that. Something is hurting or upsetting them. Finding something that helps while they are suffering is the only thing that helps.

Forcing people to hide what is inside and doing it using authority will make those people go deeper inside themselves and an anger will build with the hurt.

Please excuse the digression but people being sick in the toilet from a hangover will usually cool their faces against the porcelain bowl. They do not think about it or plan for it, they just do it and it helps so much.

Something is happening the son can feel but the parents cannot see. That is what he is reacting to, he is trying to feel better. It might be satisfying or even helpful in the long-term to figure out what the problem is that makes him move to the downstairs but it simply is helping him and if it is not a problem otherwise and you can teach him he does not need to wake you but can go there when he needs to, I think you should.

There are so many battles to fight and I think they should be an safety first, running into the street because of a meltdown is unsafe, maybe going downstairs to feel better is a thing you could let go and let happen. It is up to you but from experience I can tell you being forced to endure something I am suffering with because my reaction is bothering my parents made me feel terrible, betrayed and I lost trust with my parents.

 

[grommet]

I may have misunderstood both. I want to make the point that during a meltdown people should not add pressure.

 

[grommet]

That's not what I said at all. Nor is it related to the topic of the OP.


A tantrum is just the child angrily trying to see how far they can push the parent to get what they want.

It is very different from crying because there is an unmet need, something sad happened, or they hurt themselves.

When a child is having a tantrum, you are just supposed to appear to remain neutral and unfazed.

When they are done crying and yelling and kicking then you can talk to them about the situation. You can cuddle and redirect. Until then, it's just a big show.

********

A meltdown is different. That is often caused by sensory or emotional overload.

If there is lashing out or trying to bolt occurring, the child must be contained. They must be protected from themselves, and at the same time, protecting anyone and any property in the vicinity.

Usually it's just screaming. But if a child lashes out at someone, tries to break something, or run out the door and into a dangerous situation, they have to be restrained. Same goes for adults in psychotic mental health crises.

********

There are many ways of saying "I love you".

I would rather a child or adult not trust me because I had boundaries, than neglect their need for safety, security, and accountability.

And when someone is in meltdown mode it is impossible to reason with them. It is impossible to say "sit down" or "why don't you go for a walk" or "maybe you need some alone time" or "let's talk".

Usually it's just the person needing to let off steam, or go to a quiet, dark place for a while. Nevertheless, it is a serious event, with possibility for harm to people, pets, or property.

They can scream all they need to. But everyone involved has a higher need of safety.

After the event, gentle, loving talk can happen. But during the crisis, you have to be ready for anything.

I know you are helping and I did not mean to fight. I was remembering things in my own life, it triggered me and I began feeling emotional. Then I saw things narrowly, only thinking about being forced to calm down and what it did to me.

I worked in a sports program for autistic teenagers and it was really nice. I liked them a lot and I understood them. But one teenage boy had a meltdown and became violent. He had to be physically restrained by several adults. It was awful to see and I was afraid of him. He was very energetic and trying to hurt people. There was no choice but to control him.

I have never done that but when I have been overwhelmed until I could no longer see anything, I was just emotions and thoughts drowning me until I was in panic and needed to get away from them, it was the worst thing anyone could do to touch me or try to stop me from soothing myself.

I used to get yelled at for everything. I was yelled at for sneezing when I had allergies. My father did that. He did not want me to do anything that made him notice me.

On the school bus once the other kids surrounded me in the back once and taunted and tormented me for the 45 minutes until we arrived at school. I am 55 and I have never gotten over that.

I wanted it to stop so I tried not to move or make any sounds or stand differently. To not do anything that made people mad, they always didn't like something about me. It is very hard to be that way and you cannot be yourself. It makes you unhappy and you are always expecting it to start again at any moment and you cannot predict when. In school I could not see the pattern the kids were following to know when to beat me up or pick on me. It just seemed to happen when I was not even thinking about them.

This is the reason I had the bias the disabled kids should not be mainstreamed because I wanted them to feel they belonged and would not be picked on. I thought that was the solution.

It is not because I found the kids with other disabilities find ways to pick on each other anyway. I am glad that my experience with autistic people is that we almost never do that. People are people and it can and does happen but when I have been in groups of just autistic people like in meetings or like the kids in the autistic sports programs, there has not been any picking on.

That was my favorite thing about the in-person meetings. Some people at that meeting were fat. One man was very skinny. The man next to me did not speak for the three years I went to those meetings. Some people persevarated, had tics, hummed to themselves. Nobody in any meeting ever even stared, everyone was accepted. It was the only time I ever felt safe around other people.

I do not know how to raise children but with the autistic adults who are friends with me sometimes they have meltdowns and I do for them what I needed when I was young and still do now, I give them as little input as I can and leave them alone. I think I am doing the right thing because when I am having a meltdown I cannot receive more input and I cannot take more pressure but when I feel better I feel much better and I can think and do things again. I wait for that.