Changing career based on aspie diagnosis?

[Christy]

Hi,

I'll start with just a little bit of background so you can understand where the question is coming from.

I've had a really tough year which has directly impacted my ability to focus and perform at work. The whole thing made me ask the question why I'm struggling so much, which has led to my diagnosis in August that I'm an aspie.

About the same time as my diagnosis, I had a performance review at work. It was aweful, I've basically been given 6 months to prove I should be in the job. 90% of the feedback was regarding how I interact with people. Apparently clients, colleagues and sub-contractors have all complained. I've never had a bad performance review before, I had expected it to not be great, but this feedback really surprised me.

In retrospect I've realised that when I took on this job, it was a promotion. And this is really the first time my job description has included client management, and such a great emphasis on sub-contractor management. So in light of my diagnosis, having such a tough year probably compounded a problem I could very well have had anyway.

With a lot of effort my performance has greatly improved. I have received good feedback from the people I work with. But I don't know that I'll ever be able to interact on a level that my bosses will be happy with. And even if I can, do I want to always have to work so hard to make my bosses happy??

So I'm trying to decide if I should stick it out and see how my next performance review goes, or if I should just accept that the job I've trained and worked so hard to get into, is just not the right place for me.

I was wondering if anyone has experieced similar or has any advice they could offer on what I should do next?

 

[Judge]

I can relate to all of this. I spent 20 years in a financial industry that always had a required degree of personal interactions with clients. With government regulation increasing each year, my job slowly evolved from being one of enforcement (which I did very well) to marketing (which I struggled with). Of course in all those years I never knew I had AS either.

Eventually I left the corporation, and under very good terms. Went back to school to learn web design and entered a completely different work environment. For a brief two years, I had my Silicon Valley "dream job". Of course the dot-com crash ended it all...

My point though, is when I look back and think of so much personal agony I could have avoided had I known to refrain from jobs heavily reliant on "people" skills. It's necessary to "push" one's self to a certain extent, but never to the point of misery. At least that's the lesson I got out of it all...

 

[Dustman319]

Hi Christy. From what you have said, I'd see how your next performance review goes.

I sounds like your last performance review hit you hard. No one likes to be told we aren't doing a good job, especially when it's something that we know is a weakness of ours, but what you did is you took what they had to say & made an honest effort to improve & others are noticing. I'm proud of you.

My opinion, there are in some of your statements what I call congnitive distortions. With you having a bad review, it sounds like you're afraid your next one will be bad. That is an overgeneralzation; you think since it happened once, it will happen all situations, also with you saying "But I don't know that I'll ever be able to interact on a level that my bosses will be happy with." you are jumping to conclusions aka mind reading; how do you know that's what your bosses are thinking. If the people you work with giving are giving you good feedback, your bosses might notice too.

Also, with you saying "With a lot of effort my performance has greatly improved. I have received good feedback from the people I work with." but yet your still worried about the last review. That's discounting the positive; instead of focusing on the people who have given you good feedback, you're still worried about the bad review.

I've given you my opinion, you can take it or leave it. If you noticed I was making distortions,(I made some of the same distortions in the past & I'll make more in the future) I'd want you to point them out like I did for you. Again, I'd tough it out. I'd let your bosses tell you your not doing a good job, instead of quitting for nothing. If they tell you that, at least you can know you made an effort to change & you did the best you could.

I hope I wasn't too hard on you.

 

[Christy]

Thank you Judge and Dustman,

That's my gut feel Judge. I'm not in a position where I can easily change or study further; but I think I will make it my goal over the next couple of years to decide what I do want to do and how to get there. Thank you for sharing.

Dustman, you weren't hard on me at all I left an abusive marriage in December and have spent most of this year trying to change how I think about myself. Your thoughts were actually really appreciated, I often don't see how my thoughts need to change until someone points it out. Thank you Dustman, and for the compliment.

Part of why I don't think I'll meet my bosses expectations is somewhat to do with the age gap between us and the fact we work in different offices. I simply have a really hard time communicating with them; the number of times I do the wrong thing because he hasn't expressed himself clearly, well... He sees it as my fault because I should ask if he's not clear. So I now repeat back to him what he wants so he can clarify anything I've got wrong. He tries to be patient but I can hear he gets frustrated with me.

I can improve how I interact with everyone else, but unless I can improve enough that the communication between us becomes seamless, I really think I'm going to be too much hassle for them. But you are right, I don't have evidence yet that this is the case.

Thank you both for your thoughts.

Christy

 

[Christy]

Hello again,

I've just returned from a training day with the whole company in attendance. I've realised something about the balance of gender roles.

We have 3 offices:
Office 1 has 3 professionals (all male) and 3 support staff (all female)
Office 2 has 2 professionals (all male) and 2 support staff (all female)
Office 3 has 3 professionals (2 male and me)

One of the complaints my bosses made (they are located in a different office) was that I don't interact with my team enough. I have good relationships with the two males in my office, so I have been trying to make "small talk" when on the phone to my colleagues in the other offices. But I've just realised that the other offices do things like have morning teas together, and that was one of the examples I received during my performance review "that (insert name) brought in a cake for (insert name) birthday without being asked". But the morning teas are organised by the female support staff.

Now I'm confused. I know it's not the role of support staff to cater, so is this the role of females in the office? My males colleagues don't bring in cakes!

 

[Ereth]

I certainly hope they don't expect you to bring in cake just because you're a woman . . . oy.

I don't know enough about your work environment or your colleagues to determine if this is a sexism issue, but perhaps you might ask about it somehow, just so you know for sure.

 

[Gomendosi]

We have 3 offices:
Office 1 has 3 professionals (all male) and 3 support staff (all female)
Office 2 has 2 professionals (all male) and 2 support staff (all female)
Office 3 has 3 professionals (2 male and me)

Now I'm confused. I know it's not the role of support staff to cater, so is this the role of females in the office? My males colleagues don't bring in cakes!

Just a few thoughts here, perhaps your colleagues are jealous of the other offices support staff. Perhaps your office needs support staff of its own. Maybe based on what they see in the other offices in regards to morning teas and whatnot, the two professionals have made the assumption that the women in those offices initiated this trend and they simply don't know how to say it is okay if you want to engage in such activities as well.
If you wanted to put a pin in any assumptions you think they may have made you could just say, when the topic is brought up again, that you're too busy doing the same duties as them to worry about such frivolous things.
By the same token you could just say that you thought to bring cake and make the tea was the sort of thing that support staff should do.
You could even go so far as say that as your office lacks support staff of its own you had already decided that productivity should be the main focus.

All of these things have various consequences dovetailing them so as a better suggestion to engender a good working relationship, bring a cake or scones or whatever and then clearly state that it is (insert colleagues name) turn next time, and with a bit of a chuckle add; "until we get some support staff of our own at least".
Which serves to clearly illustrate that while you are one of the team and enjoy such things as well, in no way is it to be inferred that such activities are solely your responsibility.

 

[Judge]

Now I'm confused. I know it's not the role of support staff to cater, so is this the role of females in the office? My males colleagues don't bring in cakes!

Can't say I blame you. I'd be confused as well. To me interacting with a team means socializing about business- not socializing about pleasure. At least within the perspective of a performance evaluation. Maybe that's just the Aspie in me. That protocol has its place, but that it shouldn't be abused.

Now if they want to imply you're expected to bring in goodies for the team, let's hope it's based on the notion that you are the most junior member, rather than on your gender alone. Ereth is right. Ask to have this clarified. If you're just the most junior member on the team, I'd take it in stride with the hope that eventually your team would also have at least one support person...whether male or female.

 

[Christy]

Now if they want to imply you're expected to bring in goodies for the team, let's hope it's based on the notion that you are the most junior member, rather than on your gender alone.

No, I am not the most junior member, and I'm not the most senior member either.

The support staff are to be shared across the offices, so in terms of work loads we all get supported. We don't need any support staff in our office.

I don't want to ask, quite frankly my bosses scare me. I have not told them I'm an aspie. She has a psychologist degree and every time I talk to her I feel like she's assessing me. She also has a law degree and knows how to twist things in her favour. It makes me very anxious.

Considering I work with two people, that gives me two "opportunities" a year to be a team player. Maybe for the cost of two cakes (I refuse to bake them) it is worth it to keep my bosses happy.

The sad thing is I brought my own cake to work for my birthday this year (my two colleagues forgot).

I've probably painted a terrible picture of my two colleagues, which is reflective of how I'm feeling right now and not how they really are. I get along with them well; I socialise with one of them and his wife (the only people I socialise with other than family), and the other is a fellow whovian. We like our office the way it is, it's my bosses who aren't happy. But their issue is the way I interact with people in general, maybe I shouldn't get too focused on whether or not it's about me bringing a cake to work.

It's just so difficult.

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Judge]

No, I am not the most junior member, and I'm not the most senior member either.

That's not good. Such a thing wouldn't go over well with corporate HR departments I once worked for. This is a black mark on them- not you.

Is this a relatively small company? I'm afraid your instincts are probably correct to be "careful" with such people. Yes, it does sound difficult- confusing at the very least. Unfortunately I've found that not all employers can be expected to play by the same set of rules and ethics. Your instincts are probably correct. I wouldn't tell them you have AS. Too difficult to predict if it would hurt or help under the circumstances.

 

[Dustman319]

Christy. I would just focus on talking to people more & better. If you want to bring a cake or whatever for your 2 colleagues birthdays, do it because you want to, not to please your bosses. It sounds like you & your colleagues get along good. I wish I had an answer about your bosses.

 

[Christy]

Thank you both for your thoughts.

Yes it is a small company, 15 people and it's owned by a husband and wife. I'm not going to tell them, my psych thought I should but I said no.

I will move on when I can. But for now I'll just keep the peace I think.

 

[Judge]

Thank you both for your thoughts.

Yes it is a small company, 15 people and it's owned by a husband and wife. I'm not going to tell them, my psych thought I should but I said no.

I will move on when I can. But for now I'll just keep the peace I think.

A small company. Now it all starts to make sense. Unfortunately the smaller they are, the more apt they are to march to their own drum in spite of various forms of government regulation in the workplace. Probably happens in Oz much as it does in the states.

Well, at least you have a plan, and know to be careful with such people, regardless of what their intentions may be. Hang in there...something else is bound to come along for you.

 

[B8kNSoGrl]

Hi,

I'll start with just a little bit of background so you can understand where the question is coming from.

I've had a really tough year which has directly impacted my ability to focus and perform at work. The whole thing made me ask the question why I'm struggling so much, which has led to my diagnosis in August that I'm an aspie.

About the same time as my diagnosis, I had a performance review at work. It was aweful, I've basically been given 6 months to prove I should be in the job. 90% of the feedback was regarding how I interact with people. Apparently clients, colleagues and sub-contractors have all complained. I've never had a bad performance review before, I had expected it to not be great, but this feedback really surprised me.

In retrospect I've realised that when I took on this job, it was a promotion. And this is really the first time my job description has included client management, and such a great emphasis on sub-contractor management. So in light of my diagnosis, having such a tough year probably compounded a problem I could very well have had anyway.

With a lot of effort my performance has greatly improved. I have received good feedback from the people I work with. But I don't know that I'll ever be able to interact on a level that my bosses will be happy with. And even if I can, do I want to always have to work so hard to make my bosses happy??

So I'm trying to decide if I should stick it out and see how my next performance review goes, or if I should just accept that the job I've trained and worked so hard to get into, is just not the right place for me.

I was wondering if anyone has experieced similar or has any advice they could offer on what I should do next?

I have and empathize with you and get where you are coming from. I have dealt well with lots of people and customer interaction. I hate taking incoming phone calls and walk-in client/customer issues and problems. I did best when I was allowed to work self-paced and independently doing online research and data entry. I got written and put on probation and lost jobs. Finding the right job that we are suited for is hard. I hope to work at least part-time again and am trying not to lose hope. I have not worked in 5 years accept as a part -time housekeeper for an older lady/ friend's mother. I have not worked in an office/ company since then.

 

[Judge]

I'd consider myself a good example of adjusting my work to fit who I thought I was- and really am.

Went from a career that started out well that slowly evolved into a life of hell having to do with marketing and sales more than enforcing rules and policies. Then moved onto web design....and ended up becoming self employed trading my own equities. At times (like the moment) it can be very precarious economically. However emotionally I must admit, I don't carry the same burden of social stress that has gradually beaten me down over the years.

Of course none of these transitions involved being conscious of my own perceived autism. I just gradually steered away from socially intensive jobs because I KNEW they were toxic for me for whatever reason! Ultimately whether I get formally diagnosed or not won't change such personal dynamics.

No question about the value of making good money. However you also have to balance it with a sense of contentment on a daily basis. Doing a job you hate is simply bad health- mentally and physically.