Can't take things with a grain of salt

[Pats]

My daughter CAN be one of the most difficult persons to be around I've ever know. If she's in a bad mood everyone around her is affected and quickly brought down. She has the most understanding husband who can just shrug it off. He knows how she gets and he takes it with a grain of salt and doesn't let it get to him. I can call her and in the first sentence, if she is PMSing, I'm wanting to get off the phone as quick as I can.
Why can't I be more like that son in law? I take everything seriously - too seriously. I believe it when someone tells me something. I can't shrug off things or convince myself, 'oh, they're just having a bad day.'
My daughter in law comes downstairs and will complain about my son. Even when my son has already said she's going to be mad at him because he got a new phone and he doesn't seem concerned because he knows she'll get over it. Then she comes and tells me how upset she is at him and I feel panicky. The last couple days she has been upset with him and showed me a text she sent him and told me if he didn't respond to it, then she just don't know. My son ignores it - probably just feels it's one of her moods and she'll get over it and he's too stubborn to allow her to force him to respond. I don't know, but I lose sleep over it. I don't know what to say when she's complaining about him - some times I do remind her that it's my son she's talking about. She will, at some point, come and apologize for complaining to me about him. Mind you, she's sometimes pretty tearful when she's complaining and really upset. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say or do. Why can't I just let her sound off and let it go?
Same as when my youngest daughter calls, crying and complaining that her husband does this and that. He has threatened to leave her over really stupid things. (things like if she overslept and didn't wake him up in time). Then she don't understand why I get upset with him.
If someone says something just out of anger or frustration, I take it more seriously, maybe because I don't say things unless I'm serious?
My dad told us many times that we should never discuss religion with another person because we might end up going their way and going to hell. Yes, I know, that does not make sense. But I could never get myself to discuss religion with other people. My brother and I would get into discussions over this and he'd say it was just my excuse for not wanting to talk to other people about religion. But it's not. It was just embedded into my mind and I can't do it. (I'm better than I used to be about it, though.)
The point is that I take things seriously and whatever someone says I shouldn't be doing - I immediately would stop doing it. Sometimes it was a good thing, though. When I was much younger, I only had to be told once that I needed to brush my hair once in a while or shower every day (but I did have to be told these things for me to realize it). lol

 

[Judge]

Hard-wired conditional thinking. This or that. Yes or no. True or false. Black or white. A world where there is no "middle ground". That for many of us, that is our world. Often to our undoing.

Worse perhaps if or when we're prone to arguing a point "into the ground" by default. Where applying self control in our own best interest can be a tough proposition for some of us. Easier said than done.

Even worse that it flies in direct contradiction with our ability and inability to do well in the company of others. Yet again, "it is what it is". Who and what we are, for better or worse.

 

[Cactus]

I've never been able to shrug things off either. It has become worse as I've gotten older. I can't read a newspaper, or listen to a news broadcast without becoming angry, sad, or depressed by the abominable behaviors that continue day in and day out. I'm beginning to feel that I have no place in this world.

 

[Mr Allen]

Me neither, and if there's 2 or 3 bad things going on at once, I tend to have at least a minor if not major meltdown.

 

[Gracey]

Don’t make yourself ill over it @Pats.
Losing sleep and getting anxious.

Even if we understand literally and take people at their word we also have an ability to ask ourselves black and white types of questions.

In the instance of the mobile phone,
after listening to sons girlfriend,
I might be asking myself:

Is this issue mine to fix?

Will my son learn that actions have consequences if I leave him to sort it out with his girlfriend?

If I encourage the girlfriend to discuss the issue with my son instead of me,
Will I worry less?

 

[Autistamatic]

It's not an easy one to overcome, and I haven't managed it yet. I have learned to give the appearance of letting things go to keep the peace.
I know I'm not always right and when I've thought it over and realised I'm the one in the wrong or I'm being too uptight I can at least forgive the other, even if I can't easily forgive myself.
When I have thought it and overthought it, and revisited something again and again, still knowing I was in the right I find it very hard to be civil. I do so on the face of it, but it eats me up from the inside. If at all possible I will end such associations at the earliest opportunity. Sometimes though, like in the workplace, there's no choice but to smile and move on.

 

[Moomin]

I’m not able to let things go. I become upset, angry or depressed. Rehashing and reviewing situations is very difficult to process.

Can’t really add much in the way of helpful or optimistic goodness because I’m still figuring out how to handle it.

Sorry that you’re feeling like this @Pats

 

[Fino]

Just recently I was thinking something similar about my family! They can have a huge fight, yelling, insulting, etc. and then shortly after, they're perfectly fine. Meanwhile, I wasn't even involved, I just heard them, and I'm affected all day. They seem to have forgotten it ever happened.

 

[Progster]

Yes "get over it!" has to be one of the worse things people can say to me.

 

[Pats]

Just recently I was thinking something similar about my family! They can have a huge fight, yelling, insulting, etc. and then shortly after, they're perfectly fine. Meanwhile, I wasn't even involved, I just heard them, and I'm affected all day. They seem to have forgotten it ever happened.

Yes, I have the same problem. Or I'll get yelled at then that person want a favor, and I'm like, "You're kidding, right?" My daughter calls crying and I'm up all night worrying while she's sleeping soundly because all is fine.

 

[Pats]

My daughter in law probably is not thrilled with me right now. She came downstairs, still upset with my son. She showed me the text he sent back in response to hers and was complaining about it. Sometimes I just get too frustrated and last night was one of those times. I told her she wanted him to respond and he did and he was making an attempt to make her feel better but she has higher expectations and she wants something else and he has no way of knowing exactly what that is. I said our expectations are never filled and we have to look at what IS there. She said she felt like she was just being tolerated and I told her that you do tolerate people you love. I said I did not tolerate my ex and left. And reminded her that she gets irritated at her sister for being whiney still about her husband's death, but she tolerates it because she loves her. We do learn to tolerate those we love because we all do things that get on each other's nerves. I said if my son didn't love her, he would not still be here.
Yes, he is tired when he gets home after working 17 hours and he wants quiet. They go on their date night and he doesn't have a lot to say, but I told her that to him, he likes being able to just be together and not have to talk. She was saying he doesn't have to work those long hours and I reminded her that 3 years ago he didn't have a lot of work and they struggled month to month but the reason he has all this work now is because the people using him on jobs use him because he is willing to put in long hours and get the jobs done right. So, yes, to keep those jobs coming, he does need to work like he does. Then when he gets some vacation time, he takes his family out west and spends time with them.
Anyhow, we went back a forth for a while. She'll either think about what I said, or not complain to me for a while.

 

[Fino]

Sounds like you did great!