Can We Truly Be Our Authentic Self?

[rach3rd]

I was just diagnosed with autism today. I have been reading and of course "obsessing" about the topic since I first got a high score on an online test. I am married to a NT partner with two kids. I am just now learning a lot of the "lingo". One of the things that I am most concerned about is being able to live my life in an authentic way. It seems disclosing the news to others can be a tricky thing and can backfire. Any suggestions are welcome.

 

[Judge]

It seems disclosing the news to others can be a tricky thing and can backfire.

And usually does. Keeping informing others of your autism strictly on a "need-to-know" basis only.

It's why so many of us who are able choose to mask our autistic traits and behaviors as best we can on a limited basis. Not to assimilate into an NT world, but simply to survive each day without ridicule or a physical beating.

 

[VernalSole1355]

I've been rejected many times because of my Autism. People usually tend to look down on it in some form or another. I personally do not tell anyone I have Autism unless A), The person specifically asks if I have it, B), if it is in regards to a medical situation, such as a doctor's visit, hospital stay, etc., and C), If I trust the person within my inner circle of friends (I have inner & outer circles for reference).

You don't have to tell anyone you have Autism, and I might be more beneficial in some cases not to say, but you shouldn't completely hide from it. Only bring up the fact you have it when necessary, or when you feel like you can trust someone to know it.

 

[QuestJan]

Occasionally, someone will ask me if I realized I am aspie - usually an SLP and I let them know I do. Most people don't but they are put off with my differences.

I have, literally, gotten a long 'thank you' letter from the principal for the amazing job I did only to be fired the next day b/c one of my colleagues told admin I was autistic. This is a right to [fire] state and proving discrimination takes more organization than this little autistic can muster. It is very hard with implicit bias for the business. When one sees a headline of such a success, realize the abuse was likely far worse than indicated

 

[Aspea]

I was just diagnosed with autism today.

Welcome! I hope that this knowledge will be a positive thing for you and will help you. It was definitely positive and helpful for me when I figured it out.

One of the things that I am most concerned about is being able to live my life in an authentic way. It seems disclosing the news to others can be a tricky thing and can backfire. Any suggestions are welcome.

So far, I have disclosed to a few people, and my husband has disclosed to many more (lol--mostly his friends). But here's the key: I don't rely on any of these people for my job or income, there's no way they could hurt my income, and there's no way it could backfire for me. Also, where we live, there is a culture of people being more accepting and not as "judgy." Recently I disclosed to a person who is very non-judgy, and he was surprised, and it did not at all change how he treats me or behaves around me. The results have been mostly neutral, but a few positive, and so far no negatives.

But I probably would not disclose to co-workers, supervisors, or anyone else who had any ability or power to impact decisions relating to my income, and I don't disclose to people who wouldn't understand or would be more likely to judge.

I know there are those who are fully out there, including the books by individuals on the spectrum. I would venture to guess that these people have had this backfire in some cases. But it seems like over time ASD is becoming more known-about and more accepted. So maybe it's a question of timing.

Funny note: some people will not believe you, and will declare it's not possible that you are on the spectrum. For example, my dad does not believe it. But he also did not believe it when my sister was diagnosed with it, and the ASD is very obvious with her, and her case has been clinically documented by multiple doctors, and she receives disability compensation for it. Eventually he did come around and now believes that she is on the spectrum, but he doesn't believe it in my case. And that is ok.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. In what ways or with what things do you think will allow you to live in an "authentic way"? What do you want to do or how do you want to act that you're not doing now?

 

[rach3rd]

Welcome. In what ways or with what things do you think will allow you to live in an "authentic way"? What do you want to do or how do you want to act that you're not doing now?

Good questions! I'd like to tell people I know, but I would likely get negative reactions from some, and there is no way to tell who they might be. I like to help others, but in a way that I can deal with. This usually means using technology in some way. Setting up websites, fixing technology related issues, etc. I would love to be able to help older people who get diagnosed by having some sort of support website. I guess I could do it anonymously, but it would feel weird not disclosing who I am. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Magna]

Good questions! I'd like to tell people I know, but I would likely get negative reactions from some, and there is no way to tell who they might be. I like to help others, but in a way that I can deal with. This usually means using technology in some way. Setting up websites, fixing technology related issues, etc. I would love to be able to help older people who get diagnosed by having some sort of support website. I guess I could do it anonymously, but it would feel weird not disclosing who I am. I hope that makes sense.

I was actually thrilled to find out I was autistic when I was professionally diagnosed because it was the "missing piece of the puzzle" in my life. So much made sense to me and it explained so much of me. I remember nearly telling complete strangers like cashiers at grocery stores, etc "I just found out I'm autistic!". I stopped short of doing that even though I don't think telling strangers would have impacted me in any way. I've had mixed reactions from the few people I have told and actually most of it is either neutral or negative.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The fact that you have a strong relationship with your spouse means that you are ahead of the curve socially. I was diagnosed at 60, but the thing is, for me socially, I was always attracted to those who were accepting. My Autism was suspected by long-time friends, some with their own quirks, and they have actually helped me through some bad episodes. The technical work that I did suited me well. (have you ever been in a meeting with engineers? Nobody seems to look at each other a lot.). The thing that has helped me the most both ante and post diagnosis are my interests and enthusiasms. I think they humanized me in the eyes of those who noticed. Others who looked to discount that, I didn't care about

 

[Suzette]

"Can you live authentically?"

How were you living before your diagnosis? If you were already living a life that made sense to you, you don't need to change anything.

Not telling others about your asd does not mean your are not living "authentically" if you don't want to share. If you had cancer you would feel pretty good about telling some people and not telling others.

Some people are going to be dramatic, some dismissive, some confused or angry, some accepting. You probably already know who in your circle will do what. But no matter how accepting "aunt marge" may be, don't tell her if she can't keep things to herself if you want your diagnosis to remain private.

 

[dragonfire42]

I’ve been pretty isolated for the past few years, so I’m out of practice, and it seems to me that it’s pretty obvious to others that I have some sort of developmental disorder (I don’t even know what exactly tips them off to try to disguise it or anything), but…

Perhaps not saying “autism” but mentioning specific things that are relevant at the time might be sort of a compromise? It might be easier for NTs to understand/accept if you just say, for example, that you don’t always pick up sarcasm, or that you have sensitive hearing, when it’s relevant.

 

[rach3rd]

How were you living before your diagnosis?

I guess I was living a life where I kind of felt like an alien compared to how I saw other people living. My diagnosis put all of the missing pieces together for me and for the first time in my life everything makes sense. I feel very much like @Magna did when he found out, and want to tell everyone I know. I'm just scared it would be a complete disaster if I did.

 

[Magna]

I guess I was living a life where I kind of felt like an alien compared to how I saw other people living. My diagnosis put all of the missing pieces together for me and for the first time in my life everything makes sense. I feel very much like @Magna did when he found out, and want to tell everyone I know. I'm just scared it would be a complete disaster if I did.

A piece of advice I've heard before that I believe to be very useful: In any major life experience or situation it's best not to make any major potentially life changing decisions for 18 months.

The idea is that in cases where something major happens in life, it's common that a person's judgement can be compromised by the event and they can make decisions that are emotional, reactionary and not necessarily in the person's best interest in the long term.

Learning of an autism diagnosis could fall into this category where it might be better to let the new discovery settle before making decisions on who to tell or not.

 

[Suzette]

I guess I was living a life where I kind of felt like an alien compared to how I saw other people living. My diagnosis put all of the missing pieces together for me and for the first time in my life everything makes sense. I feel very much like @Magna did when he found out, and want to tell everyone I know. I'm just scared it would be a complete disaster if I did.

I felt that way too. But my circle is really small so that worked o.k. for me.

If your friends and family are supportive there is no reason to not tell them. In fact, normalizing a.s.d. within your circle will go a long way to helping you feel less like an alien.

 

[ForestGumpett]

I have a small circle, most family are dead and since we have moved a lot not many friends. The few of both I told, it didn’t go well and I’d give anything if I had not told them. Lost a friend or two, apparently it opened a door that made it okay to be disrespectful since my feelings didn’t matter any longer? Was real hurtful, and shocked me that these people could be so superficial.

It helped when we were making the decision of where to retire, we picked a new place that we didn’t know anyone for a fresh start. I don’t plan on telling anyone in our new area. We also will have a P.O. Box for our new address for the former people, at this point they don’t get the liberty to have our physical address no reason for them to have it.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have a small circle, most family are dead and since we have moved a lot not many friends. The few of both I told, it didn’t go well and I’d give anything if I had not told them. Lost a friend or two, apparently it opened a door that made it okay to be disrespectful since my feelings didn’t matter any longer? Was real hurtful, and shocked me that these people could be so superficial.

It helped when we were making the decision of where to retire, we picked a new place that we didn’t know anyone for a fresh start. I don’t plan on telling anyone in our new area. We also will have a P.O. Box for our new address for the former people, at this point they don’t get the liberty to have our physical address no reason for them to have it.

Sad. I am so very fortunate to be involved with people who are accepting and caring. Once after they went out of their way to help me we had a nice time when I treated them to dinner and Steve Martin's Picasso at the Lapin Agile. I love them so much.

 

[Kalinychta]

I agree with @Judge - disclose only on a need-to-know basis. Technically you don’t need to tell anyone. It’s your private business. But if you for some reason want to tell someone, do it.

rach3rd = Rachmaninov‘s third piano concerto AKA the Rach 3?

 

[rach3rd]

I agree with @Judge - disclose only on a need-to-know basis. Technically you don’t need to tell anyone. It’s your private business. But if you for some reason want to tell someone, do it.

rach3rd = Rachmaninov‘s third piano concerto AKA the Rach 3?

YES! That’s my favorite concerto. I’m working on the 1st mvt. of Rach 2 atm.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was just diagnosed with autism today. I have been reading and of course "obsessing" about the topic since I first got a high score on an online test. I am married to a NT partner with two kids. I am just now learning a lot of the "lingo". One of the things that I am most concerned about is being able to live my life in an authentic way. It seems disclosing the news to others can be a tricky thing and can backfire. Any suggestions are welcome.

So,...you've been professionally tested and diagnosed,...or took some on-line test(s)?

At any rate, living your life in an authentic way,...in other words,...all the "masks" off, no "fronting" or putting on a persona,...this is nearly impossible around other people. If you are a professional and work with the public or even co-workers,...you have to act a certain way. Pretty much no matter what your environment or who you are around,...and want to fit into that situation,...you have to dress and behave appropriately. This gets into the huge topic of "norms",...which I am not going to get into. Can you be totally yourself? Absolutely,...when you're by yourself,...or with close family and friends. This, I believe, is fairly universal regardless of being autistic or neurotypical.

Disclosure is highly individualized,...family, friends, co-workers, the HR department at work,...no advice there,...everyone's situation is different. The only advice I would suggest is that IF you are going to say anything to co-workers, the HR department, apply for any accommodations, apply for any services, the police officer that just pulled you over, the magistrate,...you need that professional diagnosis beforehand.

My best advice is to learn as much about autism from an anatomy, physiology, neurological, psychological, and psychiatric perspective. Then through some introspection, you will better understand why you are the way you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, understand how you interact with the world vs. a neurotypical,...and realize there are many phenotypes/variants of autism. Most people who are interacting on this forum are at the least, high enough functioning to actually be on here,...but there is a huge population of autistics that for various reasons, are unable. Basically, we often have to pause for a moment, and understand perspective and context, having qualifying statements (like this one) in order to communicate effectively and more accurately.

 

[Kalinychta]

YES! That’s my favorite concerto. I’m working on the 1st mvt. of Rach 2 atm.

Cool! Rach 2 is my favorite concerto of his. Good luck with it.