Can I win him back?

[Verdandi]

I know my situation right now with a good friend of mine is not going to compare to your's about a boyfriend/girlfriend.

My friend, who is a girl (Yes guys can be friends with girls), and I had sort of a crush on, told me that she didn't want to be friends anymore after a fight we had. She was a close friend of mine, I was actually in love with her and she knew and even she stayed friends with me instead of not talking to me anymore.

July 2016 was the last time I talked to her. I still miss her to this day. I still sometimes get angry at my self and say "Why me?"

This is life, we move on. I have moved on from her even though I still deeply care about her. I kept telling everyone I need her and I just want to be her friend. They all told me to move on. It takes a while to move on from someone you loved and someone you care about. For me, I had to get out of the house, away from the internet, and make new friends. Do something to get your mind off of him. Do something that kills time. Do something that makes you happy.

I know it is hard for you right now. It is still taking me a while to get over my friend. But as months go by you will not think about him as much. You may still want to be with him but it is time to move on. And maybe in the future you will be back with him, but who knows. I am still hoping to talk to her again, but it will take time.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/i-messed-up-i-just-want-her-to-forgive-me.16857/

This was my thread about my situation with her. It may not be the same as yours, but if you read some of it and some of the suggestions people on this great website gave me, it will probably help

One of the reasons I've been writing here is that the "normal" things people do after a breakup have no effect whatsoever in my case. Mainly because I know he tried and he loved me.
I am crazy for clinging to a shred of hope, I know. Yeah, everyone tells me to move on too, but it's not going to happen. I know myself and that I won't give up.

 

[ryan1205]

One of the reasons I've been writing here is that the "normal" things people do after a breakup have no effect whatsoever in my case. Mainly because I know he tried and he loved me.
I am crazy for clinging to a shred of hope, I know. Yeah, everyone tells me to move on too, but it's not going to happen. I know myself and that I won't give up.

I told myself I won't give up many times over her. Truth is you have to. It takes time. In your situation, he may come back (don't take my word for it). I know having Asperger's myself is hard and I understand where he is coming from. I never had any relationship so far in my life because I am waiting for the right one. My friend was the right one for me, or at least I thought.

As what everyone else says, it takes time. You may not necessarily be over him now, but in the future you will forget about him. My main advice to you is to just be his friend and don't push it. Just hang out with him from time to time and see if he is really for you. He will grow lonely and MAY (not certainly) come back. Just give it time. I promise you it will work out for the best.

 

[ksheehan88]

Ryan is right - you may HAVE to give up one day.

I'm not sure if I'm just reading it wrong so apologies if this sounds horrible but it makes me a little uncomfortable how forceful you seem in regards to refusal to give up etc... Its admirable that you want to fight for him but at the same time there has to come a point that you stop fighting. You may well push him away more or scare him in your pursuit of a relationship.

 

[Verdandi]

What I'm saying is that I won't give up hoping. This thing with him left too deep of a mark for me and I am pretty sure I will never get over him.
Yes, I am forceful in my feelings (which I am expressing here), but I am struggling to back off in real life.

 

[Bolletje]

What I'm saying is that I won't give up hoping. This thing with him left too deep of a mark for me and I am pretty sure I will never get over him.
Yes, I am forceful in my feelings (which I am expressing here), but I am struggling to back off in real life.

After a breakup it's quite normal to feel like you'll never get over this person, but as cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. You have to let go, if only for your own sanity. Chasing after someone that dumped you may be the way to win your ex back in Hollywood movies, but in real life it's not as romantic and can be borderline stalking behavior.

You can't magically make someone want a relationship, just because you want it so much. I understand that you really love this person and would give anything to get back together, but love alone can't fix the relationship issues your ex was apparently experiencing.

Your story reminds me of my ex. I'm Aspie, he's NT. He was and is the sweetest, kindest person, but when I broke up with him because I wasn't happy in the relationship, he kept looking for ways to get back together. He had the same arguments you're using: I loved him and we had a good thing, so why couldn't we be together? But despite what the songs tell you, love isn't all you need. You can love someone but not be in love with them, you can love someone you're hilariously incompatible with, and you can love someone but be miserable in the relationship. And while starting a relationship is a decision you make together, ending a relationship only takes one person.

My ex, like you, could not accept that I had ended it and kept trying to convince me to take him back. It started with phone calls and long letters asking for explanations and promising to do everything I asked if we could just back together. When I blocked his mails and got a new phone number he would "coincidentally" run into me (not literally) on the streets when I got out of work. Then it escalated to finding him crying on my doorstep at night when I had been out with my friends, him waiting for me to come home so we could talk. And then it escalated to him breaking into my house in the middle of the night. Literally. Climbing over two walls, then trying to force open my bedroom window. Because he wanted to talk me into getting back together. All with the motto of loving me too much to let me go. And being scared I would find someone else. He thought if he'd just be around me enough I would realize I still loved him. Trust me, that's not romantic. That's scary as hell.

I'm not saying you're a stalker, but the insistence in your post that you will not let go, no matter what, just set off some tiny alarm bells in my head, so I wanted to share my story. Sort of a warning of how clinging the on for dear life can mess with your sanity, I guess.

 

[ksheehan88]

After a breakup it's quite normal to feel like you'll never get over this person, but as cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. You have to let go, if only for your own sanity. Chasing after someone that dumped you may be the way to win your ex back in Hollywood movies, but in real life it's not as romantic and can be borderline stalking behavior.

You can't magically make someone want a relationship, just because you want it so much. I understand that you really love this person and would give anything to get back together, but love alone can't fix the relationship issues your ex was apparently experiencing.

Your story reminds me of my ex. I'm Aspie, he's NT. He was and is the sweetest, kindest person, but when I broke up with him because I wasn't happy in the relationship, he kept looking for ways to get back together. He had the same arguments you're using: I loved him and we had a good thing, so why couldn't we be together? But despite what the songs tell you, love isn't all you need. You can love someone but not be in love with them, you can love someone you're hilariously incompatible with, and you can love someone but be miserable in the relationship. And while starting a relationship is a decision you make together, ending a relationship only takes one person.

My ex, like you, could not accept that I had ended it and kept trying to convince me to take him back. It started with phone calls and long letters asking for explanations and promising to do everything I asked if we could just back together. When I blocked his mails and got a new phone number he would "coincidentally" run into me (not literally) on the streets when I got out of work. Then it escalated to finding him crying on my doorstep at night when I had been out with my friends, him waiting for me to come home so we could talk. And then it escalated to him breaking into my house in the middle of the night. Literally. Climbing over two walls, then trying to force open my bedroom window. Because he wanted to talk me into getting back together. All with the motto of loving me too much to let me go. And being scared I would find someone else. He thought if he'd just be around me enough I would realize I still loved him. Trust me, that's not romantic. That's scary as hell.

I'm not saying you're a stalker, but the insistence in your post that you will not let go, no matter what, just set off some tiny alarm bells in my head, so I wanted to share my story. Sort of a warning of how clinging the on for dear life can mess with your sanity, I guess.

That's what I was trying to get across, but not quite as well.

 

[xDominiel]

time does heal all wounds

Well.. Not entirely true. Some wounds may never heal. But it does get easier to go on in spite of them.

 

[Bolletje]

Well.. Not entirely true. Some wounds may never heal. But it does get easier to go on in spite of them.

Haha, I was wondering whether to post that sentence at all. You're completely right, of course. Not all wounds heal, but pain and grief usually fade and become more manageable with time.

 

[gregmcph]

Love is making you more miserable than anything else in life....

We don't have control over this madness. It happens to us and we just are.

You might drag him back with begging and desperation. But that's an ugly love. That does no one any good.

 

[paloftoon]

Reading this thread is giving me perspective on my own situation. What I have a hard time with is why am I still matched up with that person on an app and on a social media platform? I don't want to be the one to "unfriend" or "unmatch". I do feel like that as long as those things are in place, it gives me a "good excuse" to wait a significant amount of time and then to try one more time. But then after that, if nothing resolves itself, then I can move on.

Maybe like me, it would be good for you to make a plan of when you plan to do something so that your timing will not be inappropriate. And if you ever get into an awkward situation where you have to discuss why you said the things you said and did, then thinking and planning it out beforehand will give you the answers. In my case, it would be something like there was a lot of intensity. I'm not sure if there was something there because it was unclear to me, and I never had the chance to express myself in-person. This would've made a big difference for me possibly. Maybe it will allow this person (or others in the future) to see the real me or who I have become. I'd rather not use other people for "practice sessions", but sometimes it just falls into place in that manner.