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Can I win him back?

Verdandi

Verdandi

Active Member
Hey.....I need some advice :(
It's been a month since he decided to break up with me and I am a mess. My mental state has been degrading daily.
He is friendly to me and we talk, but never about us. One day last week we accidentally met on the cycling lane, but he basically ran away and afterwards sent me a message apologizing for not knowing what to say.
I would so much like to tell him I'd want to try again, this time with better coping strategies and improved communication about ourselves and our needs, but I am terrified of another rejection. This is ****ing me up. And no, letting go is not an option. I still want him and I don't think he wanted to leave me. He spoke of exhaustion and depression, not about not loving me.
I am stuck and feel like crying all the time.
 
Basing this on how I would feel, because this is what I felt when reading your post, is that no matter how much your heart is yearning for him, you are scaring the life out of him! He obviously just wants to be friends with you, which is why he talks everything, accept romance and why, he freaks if he meets you in the street.

I remember when a guy felt for me, as you do with this guy and I reacted very similar. I wanted so much to be friends and be polite, but he wanted more and so I actually ran away when ever I saw him, because I did not know how to tell him that I did not see him in that way.

I have also been in your situation as in, being in love and yes, it HURTS like hell, and my health declined too. He did give many signs of being in love, but his words contradicted his actions and had me so confused! He once said: believe me, it would be so easy to fall in love with you, Suzanne, but Kit won't allow it ( his imaginary, very sexist friend). Year's later, he contacts me through facebook and STILL did not reveal how he felt. There has never been a conclusive yes or no, but because I know longer love him, I recognised that it could be toxic and told him to never contact me again.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I feel it would be wrong to give you hope, when there is no hope.
 
Verdandi said:
But we were together...we loved each other. How can someone change their mind like that?
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Did he actually say: I love you?

Being an aspie, means that he thinks differently to you. Perhaps he did feel a kind of love, but found it too overwhelming and now wants to back out but doesn't know how to say so.
 
Ok.

First of all. Nothing is impossible. Second, perhaps other aspie guys here can say o bit more about how a relation can overwhelm them. What I can offer is my knowledge (if that is a knowledge) of how is to have a relationship with an aspie.

If he really loves you he may go back. It may take some time.

You will have to decide if you both can create this relationship. You both seem to be young, if he is 30, he may still be immature. BUT if he says openly he doesn't want this to go on, I really advise you to go away. Perhaps that's not the right time for you both. In general they don't lie; and once they got something decided inside their minds, there s nothing we can do about it.

That's sad, cause we can read here many stories of guys that really regretted their choices of leaving someone that were really important to them.

You answer is time. Be patience, but know when is time to go away.
 
Suzanne said:
Did he actually say: I love you?

Being an aspie, means that he thinks differently to you. Perhaps he did feel a kind of love, but found it too overwhelming and now wants to back out but doesn't know how to say so.
Click to expand...

Said it, showed it...all was going well until some weeks ago when he started saying it feels wrong and exhausting. :(
 
Persephone_ said:
Ok.

First of all. Nothing is impossible. Second, perhaps other aspie guys here can say o bit more about how a relation can overwhelm them. What I can offer is my knowledge (if that is a knowledge) of how is to have a relationship with an aspie.

If he really loves you he may go back. It may take some time.

You will have to decide if you both can create this relationship. You both seem to be young, if he is 30, he may still be immature. BUT if he says openly he doesn't want this to go on, I really advise you to go away. Perhaps that's not the right time for you both. In general they don't lie; and once they got something decided inside their minds, there s nothing we can do about it.

That's sad, cause we can read here many stories of guys that really regretted their choices of leaving someone that were really important to them.

You answer is time. Be patience, but know when is time to go away.
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I did go away...nevertheless we talk sometimes on facebook. I have a better grasp of his condition now and would work more on communication but...I don't know what he wants. He may be immature too, he's 25, I'm 26.
 
He may not actually know what he wants. However if he's having to simultaneously grapple with things like stress and depression, it may well be overwhelming him and interfering with his deepest emotions. Especially when it comes to a relationship.

At the present time he simply may feel he has nothing left to give to you because other things are flooding his heart and mind. A place I've been before, usually caused by depression, job stress and an inability to find solitude when I really needed it. Which made me prone to sabotaging my own relationships.

I can't honestly give you a conclusive answer if he'll ever snap out of it and come back to you. But if it were me, you'd still have a chance. Dependent largely upon a relief of whatever was causing me so much stress to begin with. Which incidentally may have little- or even nothing to actually do with you.

Though if this might be the case with him, I'm afraid there's little for you to do other than just sit back and wait. And not ask how long such a process might take. Which admittedly is asking a lot on your part. Maybe too much.
 
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Verdandi said:
Said it, showed it...all was going well until some weeks ago when he started saying it feels wrong and exhausting. :(
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As hard as it is, you need to back away and if he feels he can breath, then that will be the yes or no to whether there is a chance for you.

But seriously, you running after him, just makes him run in the opposite direction. I know, because I would do the same. I cannot deal with being smothered with affection and find that I want to run.
 
Suzanne said:
But seriously, you running after him, just makes him run in the opposite direction. I know, because I would do the same. I cannot deal with being smothered with affection and find that I want to run.
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This is true! and a good advice, give him time to think!
 
Verdandi said:
I'm afraid he'll forget about me completely.
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I think about all of my past relationships from time to time. ;)

The relationships may have failed, but I still care about them personally. But that's also something I'm apt to keep to myself in real life.
 
Verdandi said:
I'm afraid he'll forget about me completely.
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If I pushed someone away and they then stopped interacting with me, even if I'd regret it I would likely not reach out to them then because I would think they'd want nothing to do with me anymore. You say you have talked on Facebook, but only as friends, right? So maybe he doesn't get that you still want to get back together. Personally I would advice you to be honest with him about how you feel, and then take it from there. Sure, it might hurt a lot of he rejects you, but I imagine just waiting around not knowing must be a lot worse.
 
Verdandi said:
I think it's too soon to tell him that I'd like to start over again...I should wait a little longer so he cools down.
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A month would be more than enough time for me to cool down, but we're all different. Probably a good idea to wait if he still seems stressed about it. Just remember that it's possible he won't be able to tell how much you're hurting unless you explain it to him. If you wait too long he might assume you've moved on, or have moved on himself. It's a difficult situation, really, with no easy solution.
 
I tried explaining it to him in writing. He doesn't do well with overt displays of emotion so I wrote to him about my perception of the situation, pointing out the positive and the negative.
He told me he doesn't know what to say and what I want him to do.
 
I know my situation right now with a good friend of mine is not going to compare to your's about a boyfriend/girlfriend.

My friend, who is a girl (Yes guys can be friends with girls), and I had sort of a crush on, told me that she didn't want to be friends anymore after a fight we had. She was a close friend of mine, I was actually in love with her and she knew and even she stayed friends with me instead of not talking to me anymore.

July 2016 was the last time I talked to her. I still miss her to this day. I still sometimes get angry at my self and say "Why me?"

This is life, we move on. I have moved on from her even though I still deeply care about her. I kept telling everyone I need her and I just want to be her friend. They all told me to move on. It takes a while to move on from someone you loved and someone you care about. For me, I had to get out of the house, away from the internet, and make new friends. Do something to get your mind off of him. Do something that kills time. Do something that makes you happy.

I know it is hard for you right now. It is still taking me a while to get over my friend. But as months go by you will not think about him as much. You may still want to be with him but it is time to move on. And maybe in the future you will be back with him, but who knows. I am still hoping to talk to her again, but it will take time.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/i-messed-up-i-just-want-her-to-forgive-me.16857/

This was my thread about my situation with her. It may not be the same as yours, but if you read some of it and some of the suggestions people on this great website gave me, it will probably help
 
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