Can dating be or is dating actually fun?

[Wulven]

I like the idea of it. Getting to know someone else on a personal level. But, dating and what comes after seems to just be stressful. I know fully well not everything will be fun. I know. The world pounded that point home. But, it just seems there's not a lot of fun being had in dating, marriage, or at least that's how it looks. Oh. And first contact seems the scariest part.

 

[Judge]

The meeting of a stranger with delusions of romance. You want it to sound more like this:

But for many of us it inevitably ends up sounding like this:

Too many expectations and game-playing designed to hide one's true desires. Leaving me to prefer to make friends rather than indulge in courtship rituals. With an occasional friendship blossoming into something more.

Dating being for the most part, a social ritual by and for Neurotypicals accustomed to dealing with what isn't said- or done. Completely foreign- and illogical to me personally.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Well, with a sample size of n=3, I'm not one to ask, but as always topics about relationships interest me. Dating for me was frought, very hard, and as you say, the first contact is anxiety producing. But, the thing that made it interesting for me when I started dating, was it happened about the time I started putting myself together. Before this I did not have a strong sense of self but worked on changing the negative image I had about myself. The first two dates, the last a longer relationship, I chalk up to practice. By then I had a stronger sense of self and found that, because I was more certain of who I was, it was fun to let another person into my personal space, or at least I found it exciting. Finally, my last date, the keeper, happened unconventually. I called her first to carpool as we both signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance project, and we talked frequently in preparation and had a good sense of each other. That helped a lot, because when we first met I had an absolutely horrible day getting filthy fossil collecting when it rained, soaking me and the site turned into a festival of mud, then car problems on top of that. I showed up on her doorstep and she did not call the police . . . a good beginning. Adventures happened after that and because I had no expectations it was a great experience. She also appreciated my enjoyment of all the fascinating salamanders we were finding in GSMNP. We were married a year later and after 42 years still have adventures. That, to me, is "fun."

 

[1ForAll]

It can be fun for the ones with confidence in being themselves, or the ones wanting, willing or able to be seen in the best light by hiding any issues that could be seen as negative to the other. But, for the ones with lower self-esteem--socially, personality, condition, or body image wise--and the ones with no, less or only negative dating experiences, or the ones refusing to mask who they are or who cannot play that "tell and show me what I want to hear" game, they are the ones who often either see dating as to be feared, causing more stress than not, or they will feel less joy in the whole process, as distressing thoughts can take over the mind, and the little joys or benefits of dating, can take a back seat to expected perceived criticisms, rejections and/or failures.

It does not help when society glamorizes certain things that could not really be glamorous if one looked deeper, and rejects things seen on the surface stereotypically not seen to be as attractive, when really that could be misleading or which really could be appreciated or understood, too. This puts pressure on us to fit that more sought after image. As well, when many of us here may have issues figuring out others' intentions, or in understanding the others' expressions, gestures, postures or feelings, of course dating can be scary for those, and for those too with sensory issues or triggers involving smell, texture, aesthetics, taste, sound or from bad experiences. This may limit our choices on whom to date, what to do on such date , or it can cause dating experiences to be less smooth flowing and more problematic.

Of course though, there is always a chance the other is compatible, and that gave me hope during those years I dated. Also, I lowered my expectations when dating, by telling myself, "This is not a date, but an opportunity to meet another person or friend, and to get more experience socializing with them, and to learn from not only their knowledge, and to have some fun through activities even if things did not work out, but to learn from any mistakes in what I did, and from any I thought they made too." Before I even considered meeting with that purpose, I tried to learn more about them through writings or phone talk, and for them the same with me, just to prepare ourselves more, should we ever have met. I felt this increased the chances we'd see the meeting as more relaxing or fun, regardless if it led to more meetings.

 

[Aspychata]

Well, with a sample size of n=3, I'm not one to ask, but as always topics about relationships interest me. Dating for me was frought, very hard, and as you say, the first contact is anxiety producing. But, the thing that made it interesting for me when I started dating, was it happened about the time I started putting myself together. Before this I did not have a strong sense of self but worked on changing the negative image I had about myself. The first two dates, the last a longer relationship, I chalk up to practice. By then I had a stronger sense of self and found that, because I was more certain of who I was, it was fun to let another person into my personal space, or at least I found it exciting. Finally, my last date, the keeper, happened unconventually. I called her first to carpool as we both signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance project, and we talked frequently in preparation and had a good sense of each other. That helped a lot, because when we first met I had an absolutely horrible day getting filthy fossil collecting when it rained, soaking me and the site turned into a festival of mud, then car problems on top of that. I showed up on her doorstep and she did not call the police . . . a good beginning. Adventures happened after that and because I had no expectations it was a great experience. She also appreciated my enjoyment of all the fascinating salamanders we were finding in GSMNP. We were married a year later and after 42 years still have adventures. That, to me, is "fun."

This sums it beautifully. Every time you meet is an adventure. Every time is like the first time.

 

[Rasputin]

Well, with a sample size of n=3, I'm not one to ask, but as always topics about relationships interest me. Dating for me was frought, very hard, and as you say, the first contact is anxiety producing. But, the thing that made it interesting for me when I started dating, was it happened about the time I started putting myself together. Before this I did not have a strong sense of self but worked on changing the negative image I had about myself. The first two dates, the last a longer relationship, I chalk up to practice. By then I had a stronger sense of self and found that, because I was more certain of who I was, it was fun to let another person into my personal space, or at least I found it exciting. Finally, my last date, the keeper, happened unconventually. I called her first to carpool as we both signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance project, and we talked frequently in preparation and had a good sense of each other. That helped a lot, because when we first met I had an absolutely horrible day getting filthy fossil collecting when it rained, soaking me and the site turned into a festival of mud, then car problems on top of that. I showed up on her doorstep and she did not call the police . . . a good beginning. Adventures happened after that and because I had no expectations it was a great experience. She also appreciated my enjoyment of all the fascinating salamanders we were finding in GSMNP. We were married a year later and after 42 years still have adventures. That, to me, is "fun."

The key to your success I believe was not having any expectations, and connecting on a mental and emotional level.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The key to your success I believe was not having any expectations, and connecting on a mental and emotional level.

I seriously doubt if I could have connected at an emotional level until I re-integrated myself to be able to express my agency,

 

[Suiseiseki]

No, there's no part of it that's fun really.

 

[Suzette]

I seriously doubt if I could have connected at an emotional level until I re-integrated myself to be able to express my agency,

This is very wise and true per my own experience. It wasn't until my 40s, after a disasterous marriage, that I truly begun to understand my agency.

Agency is different than "confidence". Confidence is, to my mind, a superficial thing that can be faked. Agency is your personal knowing of your value to yourself.

I have a massive headache so I won't explain except to say Agency allows you to set boundaries and be at ease in the world, even if that eorld isn't at ease with you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

This is very wise and true per my own experience. It wasn't until my 40s, after a disasterous marriage, that I truly begun to understand my agency.

Agency is different than "confidence". Confidence is, to my mind, a superficial thing that can be faked. Agency is your personal knowing of your value to yourself.

I have a massive headache so I won't explain except to say Agency allows you to set boundaries and be at ease in the world, even if that eorld isn't at ease with you.

+100 Exactly. Life really began for me as I developed a sense of self and could advocate for myself.

 

[Magna]

I don't think I was ever in "dating mode" in my life. By "dating mode", I mean a person actively searching for someone to have a relationship with by engaging in a practice of presumably dating one person, then another, then another, etc until they find the right person.

I was always more casual about things. Yes, I would go out with young women when I was a young man and sometimes have relationships that would last longer than a few dates but rather than "date" to find someone, I would let my attraction to a specific person take precedence.

It was never: "I'm dating around right now and I'm attracted to you so do you want to go on a date?"

 

[annajamey]

Wow, the comments are soooo amazing and this interesting topic.

 

[Alexej]

Hi and welcome @annajamey

 

[Primrose]

I think it actually was fun (sometimes) in my early 20s. I remember going on dates to cinema, cafes, going hiking etc. Just enjoying the moment and not worrying too much if it would work out. Less expectations and I guess I felt I had plenty of time to find a long term partner.

In late 30s it's more stressful. People are more interested in your career and if you own a home or car. It feels like expectations are a lot higher. It's actually hard to even find someone to date at the moment.

But yes, it can be fun.

 

[disconnected]

I never dated a lot of people but have always had a steady girlfriend. I’ve been with my Wife 11 years together and we have ALOt of fun things like traveling, skiing snowboarding etc. the sad reality of it is, I’m 6’2” and in my healthy weight range. When I was in college my friends that where not as tall and overweight allways seemed to struggle. That’s the harsh reality of perception in the US. So I could see how it can be fun for some and traumatic for others.

 

[rse92]

I never dated a lot of people but have always had a steady girlfriend. I’ve been with my Wife 11 years together and we have ALOt of fun things like traveling, skiing snowboarding etc. the sad reality of it is, I’m 6’2” and in my healthy weight range. When I was in college my friends that where not as tall and overweight allways seemed to struggle. That’s the harsh reality of perception in the US. So I could see how it can be fun for some and traumatic for others.

It isn't the harsh reality of perception in the US. It is an anthropological fact of life since the dawn of man. Woman want high value men, and vice versa.

The first rule of dating is self-improvement. Make yourself into a man, or woman, with value to the other sex. From the male perspective, you should lose weight and get fit. Work to find the best job you can. Educate yourself. Be handy at home. Learn to cook. Stay out of debt and save money. Many autistic men are capable of achieving all of these things. Do these things and you will become a man who women will want to talk to.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It isn't the harsh reality of perception in the US. It is an anthropological fact of life since the dawn of man. Woman want high value men, and vice versa.

The first rule of dating is self-improvement. Make yourself into a man, or woman, with value to the other sex. From the male perspective, you should lose weight and get fit. Work to find the best job you can. Educate yourself. Be handy at home. Learn to cook. Stay out of debt and save money. Many autistic men are capable of achieving all of these things. Do these things and you will become a man who women will want to talk to.

That may be necessary, but is not sufficient. At my most isolated I was fit, hiking 30 miles at a stretch, canoeing frequently, or enjoying paleontology out in the field, a MSc in a research position, working hard at my craft [edited, since I started work with a Masters and got my Doctorate as a result of that research]. I was saving viciously (hence am well provisioned in retirement), I remain an excellent cook and am capable of both woodworking and wrenching my vehicles. From all of this, women never once noticed me. Never. And at times when I had the courage to try to strike up a conversation, was rejected, once cruelly. It is a miracle that I did not become a mysogynist.

 

[rse92]

That may be necessary, but is not sufficient. At my most isolated I was fit, hiking 30 miles at a stretch, canoeing frequently, or enjoying paleontology out in the field, a PhD in a post doc position, working hard at my craft, I was saving viciously (hence am well provisioned in retirement), I remain an excellent cook and am capable of both woodworking and wrenching my vehicles. From all of this, women never once noticed me. Never. And at times when I had the courage to try to strike up a conversation, was rejected, once cruelly. It is a miracle that I did not become a mysogynist.

Let's see. You did everything right, you met your future wife, no more dating for 42+ years. Before that, who cares?

Dating is difficult for most young men (those who are not handsome and/or with money) because young women have a much larger eligible dating pool than young men. Time evens those odds. It's even harder for autistic young men who have a tough time making connections and recognizing body language and sweet talk. When I was a teenager I was convinced no one would date me. At the end of my senior year a friend told me my reputation with the girls was that of a "heartbreaker"; they would signal their interest to me in an NT way (subtle, flirty or indirect), and I would decline, not because of my disinterest, but because of my inability to see their interest.

 

[paloftoon]

Being with people can be stressful - dating or not.

Be as independent in your life as you can be, try to be authentic and "feel" out to context as much as possible. Try to gauge whether the other person wants to take it slow or not, and make sure it's not too fast or slow for you. Be aware that other people don't want to be direct even when they should be. Sometimes, you have to be the one to close it off and move on. If I'm interested in a person and it seems like they are not giving me enough of a chance but don't tell me "no" directly, and if they are going too slow or "slow", I just tell them to contact me in case they change their mind. If they do contact me again, I push for an in-person meeting at convenience of my location and schedule if they really care on the first meeting after such bad communication.

 

[Suzette]

I never did answer the question "can dating be fun". Absolutely it can be fun! Make "fun" your purpose and stop thinking about dating as the means to find a partner. Just go out to get to know others. That way you won't be personally invested to whether someone is a match for you or not.

So what if someone likes things you don't. You aren't dating to judge them. You are dating to have fun! It is a great way to practice being yourself, mask off, and not worry about the outcome.