Bullying

[Luca]

Trolls don't like me either. If I'm up against something that I think is morally wrong I can be quite fierce.
I don't engage in confrontation often but there are some things I feel like I can't just sit there and not say anything about.

Case in point, my previous posts in this thread

 

[MildredHubble]

Trolls don't like me either. If I'm up against something that I think is morally wrong I can be quite fierce.
I don't engage in confrontation often but there are some things I feel like I can't just sit there and not say anything about.

Case in point, my previous posts in this thread

I think I'm very much the same! I suppose you could call it "choosing my battles". If I feel something or someone needs to be defended, I will.

I have been criticized by people who want me or others to "put up and shut up". But I think you have to stand by your principles. I have very little patience for arguments or ways of thinking that volunteer others to endure misery!

 

[foliodoe]

I was bullied pretty consistently all the way through high school. It made me hate school. I didn't get a university degree until my 30s because I had so much trauma and fear associated with school in general.

I have some experience as a teacher and saw firsthand how bullying is mostly ignored and the students are left to fend for themselves. It's scary, but I think it's largely considered a natural part of growing up to educators and parents.

 

[MildredHubble]

I was bullied pretty consistently all the way through high school. It made me hate school. I didn't get a university degree until my 30s because I had so much trauma and fear associated with school in general.

I have some experience as a teacher and saw firsthand how bullying is mostly ignored and the students are left to fend for themselves. It's scary, but I think it's largely considered a natural part of growing up to educators and parents.

Yup! I can definitely remember my schools grand achievement of "zero bullying". It was total nonsense of course. It was just ignored and as we all know iF yOu IgNoRe A pRoBlEm ThAtS tHe SaMe As SoLvInG iT!

I gave up reporting bulling and the headteacher basically said it was good for me as the experience would "toughen you up".

Well all that did is teach me that bad behaviour would be ignored. But there was a bit of a caveat to this but I will get to that (and sorry this gets a little long winded).

So with this new found knowledge, I reasoned that if I emulated the behaviour of the bullies then they would see attacking me as less enticing. I know that is dumb logic but it was based on my 12 year old brain's capacity to understand the completely dumb hypocrisy of the situation.

But here's the thing, I didn't really bully or pick on anyone. What I did instead was be a bit rude to a teacher. I was uncooperative and condescending. I did this because I thought that she, being an adult, would be totally invulnerable to me behaving, it has to be said, as quite a tame little juvenile delinquent!

This went on for maybe a month. Oddly, it did seem to deter some of the more casual bullies. Like they thought "Oh, Mildred is being a lot more assertive than usual, and to a teacher, we'd best behave ourselves towards her then."

But then little did I know, a letter had been sent home to my parents concerning my behaviour. No one had actually talked to me about this I hasten to add.

So I was in trouble, and I knew rightly so. And I admitted that I had been acting up and I even explained why. But that wasn't good enough. You would think I was some sort of movie villain, throwing my weight around and subjugating my, very much a full grown adult teacher. The school leveraged my feelings of shame. I felt bad, I accepted said punishment and apologized to my teacher. The sad part is I actually really liked her.

A few months passed, things are going a little better, no problems with my teacher. I wanted to make sure I showed her that I felt bad about the way I had behaved and make amends.

Then, one day I'm heading to class when the deputy Head Mistress collared me and began to interrogate me about the issue with my being rude to my teacher. Not being very quick on the uptake and perhaps due to my ND brain, I had believed that she was asking me what had happened.

So my response was basically "yes I misbehaved, but it's alright now..." She interrupted with "I will be the judge of that!" Which confused me greatly, then she barked at me to get back to class. So I obliged.

A few days go by and I am summoned into my head of year's office where I was told how very disappointed she was that I had "gone back to my old ways". I protested and said I hadn't, but it was too late, the letter had been sent to my parents.

This triggered an abusive onslaught from my mother that lasted into the small hours of the morning. When I got to school exhausted and distressed, I was told I was to be excluded, and that in fact I should have been suspended.

I will just point out as a reminder that no bad behaviour had taken place, and they hadn't even begun to provide any evidence.

But this is where things get really surreal. The next day my parents came to the school and we were all crammed into the head of year's stupid little office. My parents, me, my teacher, the headmistress and the head of year.

I was given the lecture on my bad behaviour and then when that was done, my teacher (bless her!) started to try to defend me, saying that I hadn't misbehaved since the initial incident and "everything was fine" she had said, looking actually quite distressed. To which both the head of year and headmistress started saying "It's ok Ms K. You don't have to be scared..."

She looked at me completely exasperated, almost on the verge of tears and tried to persuade them that nothing was wrong. They dismissed what she said and again told her again that she shouldn't be scared of me. She looked distressed. Then the penny dropped for me. I realised, that they were bullying her!

This realisation made me feel even worse. It also taught me that just because people are adults, does not mean that they aren't devious corrupt little bullies. Not only that, but I was being punished for the same incidence of bad behaviour twice. But worse as I needed to be punished more severely for "reoffending".

This resulted in me being excluded from school for one week. Then on report for a further week. Ms K apologizing to me every day for the injustice she knew had occured. It wasn't her fault, I told her. I think she realised I could see, she was a victim too. I still feel ashamed at the way I behaved towards her in the first place.

She was a lovely person.

Not true for the other two who basically bullied me every chance they got for the remainder of my time there. But that's another long story and this one, I suspect, is long enough.

Why did I go into all this? Because it demonstrates how failure to act in a just and consistent way towards bullying can lead a child to conclude that they should behave in a negative way too since it is ignored or even rewarded. This can cause wider issues that basically destroy what little self esteem they have left.

Deal with the problem, break the cycle. Unfortunately though, some people enjoy the cycle and wish to perpetuate it.

 

[Progster]

In much the same way we don't in civilized society accept racism, homophobia etc. We shouldn't tolerate bullying.

It's like having a leak in your roof, you can throw a bucket under there and call it a day, but you haven't solved the problem until you deal with it at the source.

I have experienced very similar bullying to @Shamar . It's all very well to give victims tools or skills that help them cope. But if the bully's intent is to keep ratcheting up the pressure until it overwhelms your defenses it's really just a bucket under a leaky roof that will stay that way until you deal with the problem.

I did very well one day when I was eleven years old with some bullies. I wasn't able to catch my school bus that day due to not having a pass that my mother refused to pay for. So I tried to get on the bus and was kicked off. So I walked home and was instructed to catch a normal service bus to my school 6 miles away.

When I arrived at the stop near to my school I got off the bus stressed that I would be in trouble for being late. I saw two young men on a bike approaching me, who began to harass me. I did as people advised and ignored them. They then started getting physical when I didn't respond. But I didn't rise to it.

Then as I approached the road opposite my school they blocked my path. I knew I couldn't outrun a bike. I tried to walk around them, but they moved in my way again. Then they began to move and I finally thought it was over. They circled back. One of them punched me viciously in the face, bursting my cheek open in two places due to the heavy sovereign ring he was wearing. I was bleeding heavily and still had about half a mile to walk to the school building. I had concussion and I was in quite a lot of shock.

So there you are. Keeping quiet and not rising to it works great. Oh actually wait. No. That's total utter self indulgent crap!

That's the sort of nasty situation where any sort of reaction would have ended in a bad way. You could have reacted, tried to defend yourself, but they were two and you were one and the outcome would probably have been worse.

Most NT children quickly learn social skills to deal with that sort of situation. They also have the innate ability to judge mood and read body language, something that autistic children lack. I was name-called quite a lot in primary school, the kids would form a circle round me and chant "why". This was because I was being teased and constantly asked them why. Autistic children often don't fully process a situation until later on, and don't know what is actually going on, and don't know how to react. So rather than laughing it off, they just get angry. Changing the way you feel about teasing isn't enough; one also needs the social skills to deal with the teasers before it gets any worse. A situation that starts off as teasing and name-calling has the potential to quickly escalate into something worse.

 

[MildredHubble]

That's the sort of nasty situation where any sort of reaction would have ended in a bad way. You could have reacted, tried to defend yourself, but they were two and you were one and the outcome would probably have been worse.

Most NT children quickly learn social skills to deal with that sort of situation. They also have the innate ability to judge mood and read body language, something that autistic children lack. I was name-called quite a lot in primary school, the kids would form a circle round me and chant "why". This was because I was being teased and constantly asked them why. Autistic children often don't fully process a situation until later on, and don't know what is actually going on, and don't know how to react. So rather than laughing it off, they just get angry. Changing the way you feel about teasing isn't enough; one also needs the social skills to deal with the teasers before it gets any worse. A situation that starts off as teasing and name-calling has the potential to quickly escalate into something worse.

I'm sorry you went through that kind of bullying. It sounds familiar to me too :-( I think you are quite right, being circled, or cornered is a distressing experience for anyone. When you don't have much or any of the tools to fight it off the adrenaline kicks in then it's very much fight or flight, mostly it was an attempt at flight for me. But there were times where I tried to fight, maybe by trying to push past the bullies, which was often trumped up to be an attack.

And yes, that's exactly how it felt at the time. I was cornered and they were basically playing with me. Behaving like "don't worry we will protect you from the big scary 4 foot 8 12/13 year old."

It was like using a jack hammer to crack an already very much cracked nut. My behaviour was an esoteric reaction to the bullying I received. It doesn't seem to make much sense. But I genuinely thought that being a bit defiant to an adult would make me look "tougher" in the eyes of the other kids. I just didn't realise it could have an impact on my teacher. But my headmaster had insisted I needed to learn to be "tougher" so I found an ill advised way of doing that.

The bottom line is, if they had tackled the bullying, I wouldn't have arrived at such a faulty solution.

But, yeah, from that point on I was targeted and harassed by both the other teachers. If I had a slight problem with my school uniform they would stop me, corner me and pick fault with anything they could find or invent. A scuffed shoe could be twisted into half a dozen transgressions, which were then used as an excuse to shout at me and intimidate.

Of course if my reaction didn't fit expectations, for example, me feeling so distressed I couldn't respond verbally or maintain eye contact I would then be attacked for that.

 

[foliodoe]

That's the sort of nasty situation where any sort of reaction would have ended in a bad way. You could have reacted, tried to defend yourself, but they were two and you were one and the outcome would probably have been worse.

Most NT children quickly learn social skills to deal with that sort of situation. They also have the innate ability to judge mood and read body language, something that autistic children lack. I was name-called quite a lot in primary school, the kids would form a circle round me and chant "why". This was because I was being teased and constantly asked them why. Autistic children often don't fully process a situation until later on, and don't know what is actually going on, and don't know how to react. So rather than laughing it off, they just get angry. Changing the way you feel about teasing isn't enough; one also needs the social skills to deal with the teasers before it gets any worse. A situation that starts off as teasing and name-calling has the potential to quickly escalate into something worse.

Jeez, the description of being surrounded and harassed by a circle of your peers was so triggering for me! I had similar experiences, some of which included physical beatings too. That stuff is the sort of thing I'll never forget. It made it impossible for me to trust anyone and I still suffer from the fallout of those experiences. I'm sorry you went through all of that and I hope you've since found some security and sense of belonging in the world.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hi, I'm new to this site,
just want to know what peoples views are on schools refusing to deal with bullying,
my son has ASD and has been the subject of bullying in class for 2 and a half years,
thanks to a tiktok video called the Pumpkin mean,
My child gets called "Pumpkin" and "broccoli" in class almost everyday,
the school has not only failed to deal with the bullies,
but they have now resorted to down right ingnoring my son's claims,
and want him to get used to being called vegetable names,
the new head teacher, brought in to deal with the bullying
simply said" oh well kids can be cruel" "we need to get your son used to being called names"

since Sept the school have never once phoned me to tell me my son has been called names,
despite him telling me almost every day that he has been called names.

last week the school crossed the line by giving my son a 5 day suspension, for lashing out in
class after being called "broccoli" and having the teachers telling him he misheard the word.
my son totally disputes this, and I will believe my son over the teachers any day of the week,
IMO I believe the school head teacher and other staff are directly responible for my child lashing out,
yet my child gets punished for it? how on Earth is this right?

I want to pull my son out of school for his own safety and wellbeing,
but I'm affraid of ther backlash,
I would love to hear advice from other parents who have had to deal with bad school and teachers

To be honest, I am against schools, as they don’t teach children life skills, they make what could be interesting boring, like not teaching that there is maths in music, maths in nature, and loads of other stuff.

They don’t teach kids how to function socially and emotionally, and not all parents do either, unfortunately.

If they did, there may be none or less bullying.

Schools refusing to deal with bullying is a bad idea.

Conflict resolution skills are important. Assertiveness and setting boundaries is also.

Sorry to hear your son gets bullied.

“kids can be cruel" "we need to get your son used to being called names" is despicable.

If they were taught emotional and social skills, except for kids who come from abusive homes, they would not be cruel.

In fact, abusers are not emotionally mature.

I am not a parent, if I was, I think I would homeschool.

The teachers in your son’s school just don’t want to get involved, which is soul destroying.

I am glad you support your son.

I am not well versed in this but I though homeschooling was ok.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Calling people names like "pumpkin" and "broccoli" is harmless teasing, not bullying. His teachers are correct that he needs to get used to it because teasing is a normal part of life.



The school was right to suspend your son because lashing out at someone for calling him "broccoli" was unacceptable. Discipline teaches children to regulate their emotions and learn how to behave appropriately. As a parent, it's your job to teach your son why people tease him, healthy ways of processing it, and how best to respond to it instead of making excuses for his behavior. This could involve teaching him to act differently or helping him process and regulate his emotions. Failing to adequately address these issues is called emotional neglect which is a major risk factor for mental illness. If you don't know what to do or how to help him, I recommend reading books about emotional intelligence. Low emotional intelligence is very common and increasing it can improve social skills and help your son become resilient.

If you ignore my advice and switch schools, you son will probably be teased in the new school for the same reasons. If you make excuses for your son instead of helping him, he'll learn to avoid his problems and feel like a helpless victim. If you teach him about emotions and social skills, the kids who tease him could become his friends or he may find other friends and no longer feel worse when people tease him.

“Harmless teasing” is when both parties are having fun.


One-sided-name-calling-by-a-group/duo/trio, when the boy is clearly upset etc is bullying. No one should have to get used to bullying, they could do with compassionate teachers who can guide them and teach them self-esteem and boundaries.


Banter, where both sides are having fun is a normal part of life, sadly, bullying is a normal part of life, but this does not mean it should be condoned.





The boy lashed out because he sounded invalidated and ignored, by everyone except his parents.


Discipline does children to regulate their emotions and learn how to behave appropriately, however, scapegoating a victim of bullying is not discipline. It’s an easy and convenient way out for the teachers.


It is a parent’s job to teach kids why people tease him, healthy ways of processing it, and how best to respond to it instead of making excuses for his behavior.

Parents should teach their kids that teasing means both sides are having fun, no negativity.

They should teach their kids self esteem and that bullies are insecure and have no self esteem, and often gang up on one vulnerable kid.

They should teach their kids how to avoid being vulnerable.

They should be helping him process and regulate his emotions.

It does not involve blaming the victim, but parents should teach their kids to avoid bering a victim.

I read that kids who read fiction from a young age stand the best chance of becoming emotionally resilient.

I don’t think this is a case of friendly two-way teasing, I think it was one sided bullying.

 

[Gift2humanity]

@jayce71 Keep in mind that many autistic people have low emotional intelligence and are likely to offer bad advice. I would have agreed with @VictorR response above a few years ago but after improving my emotional intelligence I now know better.

I don't know anything about the TikTok video but I'd wager that names like "pumpkin" and "broccoli" aren't meant to be affectionate or hostile. Your son probably just has characteristics that reminded other kids of something they saw in the video and they thought it would be fun to tease him about it, most likely with neutral intent. Your son probably feels worse because it results in him feeling like he doesn't belong or thinking other kids don't like him which is likely untrue. Some kids would smile and embrace the names, acknowledge the truth in it, and laugh with the other kids about it. That type of response can help him make friends. Getting upset, lashing out, or involving teachers harms his status with his peers because it sends a message to other kids that he is weak and isn't fun to be around.

The simple fact is that it's nearly impossible to change other people. Trying to force the school, teachers, or other kids to change is very unlikely to succeed. That leaves teaching your son to change how he thinks about the teasing or how he reacts to it the most likely way to improve the situation.

I think some autistic people have high emotional intelligence, it depends on their environment, and what activities they engage in, for example, scientific studies have shown that kids who read fiction are more emotionally intelligent.

Some autistics are wise and empathic.

In this instance, names like "pumpkin" and "broccoli" upset the boy, given his reaction, and this suggests bullying rather than teasing.

Kids are sensitive and can tell friendly teasing from bullying. “It’s a jooooke!!” Is often a response to a reaction by someone offended by bullying, a way of fobbing them off.

I’ve been called offensive names and fun-names.

It’s a good opportunity to teach the boy in the OP’s post some emotional intelligence, maybe have him read books, classic literature, kids love it, it’s just that most parents don’t think to read to, or encourage their kids to read.

It is nearly impossible to change other people. Kids can be taught to change their response to others.

They can be taught to pretend the bullying doesn’t hurt, so the offenders back off.

They can be taught emotional resilience other ways, like reading fiction.

I think the culture we are in, does, and always has encouraged bullying. It’s talked about a lot these days, but no action is taken, whereas before, and possibly still now, teachers bullied kids, as they were immature themselves.

 

[Gift2humanity]

To learn by himself how to defend and attact will give him self confidence. He may find that those words are not such a big deal after some sparring sessions.

As you said, violence is built on us genetically. We are the only apes who can form fists with our hands. Our fingers have the exact dimension for it. Out jaws are made to let us unconscious when we are hitted there, and we are built to consider a figth is over when the other guy falls unconscious. Thats males way to solve problems without severely hurting each other.

We are also the only apes whose shoulder are built to throw rocks and spears.

Learning how to properly defend himself will give him confidence, that confidence by itself can stop bulling.

Depending on others to protect him will, on the other hand, prove him how weak he is. He will turn even more insecure.

Even if they win the case there will be another school, and another one, and the university, and work... This will keep happening, with other words, with other subttle ways... Even if he lasts 10 years to become strong and confident, it will be worth it. Even if he never needs to use violence, its important to be able to do it. Living in fear is just not worth it.

Just my view on the topic.

Learning how to properly defend himself will give him confidence, that confidence by itself can stop bulling.

Depending on others to protect him will, on the other hand, prove him how weak he is. He will turn even more insecure.

Even if they win the case there will be another school, and another one, and the university, and work... This will keep happening, with other words, with other subttle ways... Even if he lasts 10 years to become strong and confident, it will be worth it. Even if he never needs to use violence, its important to be able to do it. Living in fear is just not worth it.

Just my view on the topic.

I agree with this. Not sure about the violence bit. I agree violence to defend oneself is sometimes appropriate, however, not to attack someone out of cruelty, which, I know is not what you said.

 

[Gift2humanity]

The dictionary defines what words mean. Violence or threats of violence is an example of bullying. Calling someone harmless words is an example of teasing. They are not the same. It sounds like you were bullied. I'm sorry to hear about that.

I post here to help other people. If you're triggered or seriously bothered by my posts, I recommend you click on my username and click Ignore so you don't have to see what I write because I don't want my posts to negatively impact your life.

.Sometimes words can hurt.
Someone earlier in the thread posted the difference between friendly teasing and verbal bullying.
I agree with those who say to teach the boy in the OP emotional resilience.
I do not agree with the way the teachers mishandled it.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Mattias

A request from one site user to another: Please let this go.

Some vitally important points I ask you to consider:
* Teasing and name-calling can definitely (100%) be bullying
* Who can make that judgement in this case? Only the OP has the facts
* If you have concerns, ask OP politely for more information. Or delegate it to me if you like - I enjoy that kind of thing.

For now, our best plan regarding the underlying situation is is "wait and see".

#10
I like the information in the post on this thread linked above.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I'm sorry you went through that kind of bullying. It sounds familiar to me too :-( I think you are quite right, being circled, or cornered is a distressing experience for anyone. When you don't have much or any of the tools to fight it off the adrenaline kicks in then it's very much fight or flight, mostly it was an attempt at flight for me. But there were times where I tried to fight, maybe by trying to push past the bullies, which was often trumped up to be an attack.

And yes, that's exactly how it felt at the time. I was cornered and they were basically playing with me. Behaving like "don't worry we will protect you from the big scary 4 foot 8 12/13 year old."

It was like using a jack hammer to crack an already very much cracked nut. My behaviour was an esoteric reaction to the bullying I received. It doesn't seem to make much sense. But I genuinely thought that being a bit defiant to an adult would make me look "tougher" in the eyes of the other kids. I just didn't realise it could have an impact on my teacher. But my headmaster had insisted I needed to learn to be "tougher" so I found an ill advised way of doing that.

The bottom line is, if they had tackled the bullying, I wouldn't have arrived at such a faulty solution.

But, yeah, from that point on I was targeted and harassed by both the other teachers. If I had a slight problem with my school uniform they would stop me, corner me and pick fault with anything they could find or invent. A scuffed shoe could be twisted into half a dozen transgressions, which were then used as an excuse to shout at me and intimidate.

Of course if my reaction didn't fit expectations, for example, me feeling so distressed I couldn't respond verbally or maintain eye contact I would then be attacked for that.

That sounds awful.
They employ some emotionally immature people as teachers.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Which dictionary is that?
A group of children start to poke gentle fun at a classmate because he has red hair and they call him "carrot". The boy finds that funny and laughs. It's ok, they are his friends. His friends see that he's ok with "carrot" and it becomes his nickname. Teasing, but no harm done and no malicious intent. Not bullying.

Another group of kids see a boy with red hair and call him "carrot". The boy gets upset, and they think it's funny that he gets upset. It then becomes a game. So every time they see the boy, they call him "carrot" just to see his reaction. This is teasing with malicious intent. The kids can see that the boy is upset, and yet they continue, for their own amusement. This is bullying. I believe that this is what the OP is describing.

If you systematically continue with the teasing with the full knowledge of the emotional suffering you are causing, then it's bullying. Bullying doesn't just mean physical harm, it is also about emotional harm. Whether a person has the emotional maturity or a strategy to deal with the bullying or not doesn't detract from the fact that at that moment it's causing harm. Now, that person may indeed benefit from help to deal with the bullying, but to call the words "harmless" is wrong, as clearly right now they are doing harm.

I have a male friend, a couple of years older than me, who has ginger hair and he laughs at it himself, saying things like “You’ll easily see me with my ginger hair”

His daughter looks like him and she has the same golden hair, which is nice, but bullies made her life miserable and she dyed her hair brown.

The man and his daughter are really close.

Perhaps the second boy is not so emotionally resilient.

Scenario 1, A freckly bespectacled geeky boy gets called names, he reads fiction, he is resilient and laughs the names off and then goes on to play with his geeky friends. His parents taught him resilience and also discipline.

Scenario 2, A normal looking boy with a funny surname, who is abused at home gets his surname made fun of, he is not so resilient, he confides in his parents who tell him to shut up, he either gets upset and avoids school, or is violent to the kids who hurt him, both negative, as this boy has less emotional resilience, because his parents never taught him any and disciplined him wrong.

If you systematically continue with the teasing with the full knowledge of the emotional suffering you are causing, then you have no empathy, and your parents are bringing you up wrong.

Yes, bullying doesn't just mean physical harm, it is also about emotional harm.

What is important is the recipient’s response to bullying, if they are resilient emotionally, they know it’s better to lose a fight than run away, not to cause it though, as the bully will not bother them again. They may pretend the names don’t hurt if they do.

This way the bully does not get a reaction.

This kid may make the physical attacker look a coward for picking on someone who is physically weaker.

Two-way banter where both parties smile is positive, one-way teasing, where one party is not smiling is bullying.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Pull the kid from school. What backlash are you imagining?

A lot of autistic kids are more vulnerable to teasing because they lack a social understanding of it. What Progster says is correct. An NT would let it slide off their back like water off a duck. An autistic child takes it literally. The other kids are reacting to a discovered vulnerability. The teachers are insisting that an autistic child ought to behave and understand just like an NT child. The child cannot.

It is a variation of the "If only you would (fill in the blank) you wouldn't have any problems." routine. There is a reason why schools in California have separate classes for kids on the spectrum. They have special needs and special vulnerabilities. I don't know what country you are in but there may be laws that are being ignored.

It boils my piss when neurotypicals say they understand autism, when, really, they know it's there, yet, continue to treat kids/autistic adults like neurotypicals.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I disagree. The very fact that emotional suffering did take place, the kids were aware of it and yet continued the name-calling means that it's bullying, not just harmless teasing.

The boy might indeed benefit from emotional counseling, or changing how he feels or reacts towards it, that's a different matter, but the fact still remains that harm is being done where the perpetrators are aware of the harm (because they see the boy crying). From the moment the kids are aware of the boys distress, and yet continue, the fun poking becomes malicious, is with intent and is bullying.

Lack of empathy is the problem.

 

[MildredHubble]

Lack of empathy is the problem.

It is. I've always been quite amazed at some people and their ability to be selectively empathetic. If something happens to one of their group it's empathy all round. But when someone they have "othered" and "outcast" is in distress, well then, it's all fun and games. :-(

 

[Au Naturel]

It's teasing and not bullying in both circumstances since the intent was to poke fun for their own amusement and not to maliciously harm the boy. In the second case, the boy's emotional suffering occurred due to his own negative thinking and not because the word "carrot" harmed him.

Teaching him that his own thinking caused him to feel worse would help him understand and regulate his emotions which would help him make friends and grow up to be a resilient, emotionally mature adult. Blaming the other children by punishing them or switching schools teaches children that other people control their emotions (a cognitive distortion known as a control fallacy) which can make them feel like helpless victims and increase the likelihood of them developing a mental illness.

Regardless of whether you call it teasing or mild bullying, my advice is the same either way. Science is very clear that personal responsibility leads to resilience while blaming problems on everyone else is a major risk factor for mental illness and poor outcomes.

There will always be name-calling. There will usually not be a convenient authority figure to appeal to. If you appeal to the authority figure and they do something, resentment among the other people could make it worse for you. That authority figure may not care in the slightest and may be antagonistic. And that is the real world.

I do not understand the arguments I've seen. It is like saying one shouldn't learn defensive driving techniques as a matter of principle. Instead, the only acceptable solution is for everybody else to drive safely.

It doesn't work that way.

 

[1ofakind]

I know this thread is a bit old, but I wanted to chime in and offer some advice. First of all, I think it's important that you talk to the school and try to get them to take action against the bullies. It's their responsibility to provide a safe environment for all students, and they're failing in that regard.
Also, I wanted to mention that it's important to talk to your son about online safety as well, especially if he's been sharing his experiences on TikTok or other social media platforms. It is a serious issue, and it's important to know how to stop sextortion. This website has some great resources on how to protect yourself and your loved ones from online predators. Hope this helps someone.

Thank you for reviving this thread! I had not seen it and it has a lot of helpful information even in regards to the adult bullying I've endured and how to handle it. I am learning strategies to become less of a target, but coming from a family that bullies, I've had no support to learn. Threads like this are critical to my safety and healing. I am very appreciative.