Being taken Advantage of, as Aspie/Autie Women

[Judge]

I don't think celebrities are a good yardstick for anything. Except maybe excess.

I am wondering about any shift in typical/the mass of people.

Depends on the verdict. Granted, if he walks, he's likely just another rich person who can buy justice.

If found guilty, it may reflect a change in how a jury (and a nation) might see such transgressions. But yes, it's a very old social standard that seems unfairly to put the burden of proof against a female accuser.

 

[Rayner]

I've never been taken advantage of before. I don't live in a very nice pair of town, it's not an uncommon occurrence for there to be some thuggy people doing thuggy thing. Mostly just thugs trying to beat each other to a pulp. It's something I deal with.

 

[eonbus]

it seems only women have this issue of being taken advantaged of because they have body parts that are very sensitive and guys are just different. dont mean to be offensive but it seems women have more sensitive feelings of guys digging them and getting them. more so they complain about it more than us guys. even though guys can be taken advantaged.

 

[robertsomerville]

This sickens me so much. I hate the foul **** people do to eachother. Disgusting little maggots.
I hope every last one of them has the same thing done to them, preferably in prison where these soulless cunts belongs.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I am bigger than most men, but not nessisarily stronger. I have also had men try to take advantage of me, ususally cab drivers. It is infuriating because I used to take cabs when I was out at night specifically to be safe, but it turns out that many of those men can't be trusted.

There are biological differences between men and women which mean that the strength difference is not in proportion to the (usual) size difference. We differ from other primates in this. For example, male gorillas are stronger than females, but only because they are bigger-if they were the same size, they would be the same strength. But if a male human and female human are similar sizes, the man will still almost always be stronger.

 

[BK201]

Yes, I've been harrassed and taken advantage of by both men and women. I'm not nearly as good at speaking as I am at written communication, so I have to put up silently with whatever I'm told. If I try to talk, I struggle with expressing my thoughts and I have a tendency to stutter.
My reactions are slow. Often, by the time I've processed what happened, it's too late.
Dates, boyfriends? What are those? I've never been approached by a man with romantic intentions, although I was physically attractive when I was young.

 

[Grenade]

After responding to a separate post, it got me to thinking...

...it made me realize...that because it often seems easier for us Aspie/Autie women to meet men...it often lends itself to a whole different set of difficulties, such as the fact many NT men seem to sense our (us Aspie/Autie women's) innate vulnerabilities and often seem to prey on us.

I've been told several times in my life I look good on paper to men. So, getting asked out was never an issue. Things would start out fine...but it quickly would descend into...frustrations...often on both sides of the equation.

Until I met my current boyfriend, who is also an Aspie like me.

The worst thing for me has been...men (NT men) have often tried to take advantage of me...physically. I didn't know I was an Aspie for most of my life, so...I often blamed these transgressions on myself. I would wonder what I did to make them want to do these things to me. I would turn the event over in my head...confused why they attacked me.

Once when I was in college a guy invited me back to his room to study. He then locked the door. Then he sat down next to me...and suddenly launched himself at me. I got away. I left all my books there. And I never retrieved them, but I didn't care.

Another time...a guy was giving me a ride home. He suddenly pulled off into the woods. Like the other guy...he suddenly attacked me. I burst out crying, lashing out...and he suddenly stopped. Called me a baby and drove me home.

There have been several other instances, but those give you an idea of what I'm talking about

Luckily, like I said, I was usually able to get away. But the the first time it happened, when I was 14, I was not so lucky.

So, I decided to start taking mixed martial arts based in Jeet Kune Do. Private lessons...

I remember my instructor told me something that struck a chord with me...he said...I don't understand why parents don't take their little girls to me when they are young. Then women like you wouldn't come to me when you're older in response to life knocking you down so often.

But being able to defend ourselves physically is only one variable in part of a larger equation, and not the true crux of the problem.

I once dated a guy who told me if I loved him...then I'd allow him to humiliate me...

So, verbal abuse is another factor.

I'm not saying Aspie and Autie men aren't subjected to the same type of abuse. I'm saying because women are on average 22% smaller than men, which leaves us physically vulnerable...and because it is easier for us to meet men...but often diffuculty for us to hold onto them, which leaves us vulnerable to overtures...and because we are often naive and quite literal, we get taken advantage of quite a bit. Both physically as well as emotionally.

Have other Aspie or Autie women encountered this?

This is a well-known disadvantage for all HFA people of both genders. Being naive, taking things literally, interpreting others in the world as straightforward and truthful... these are all personality traits that can get us into trouble. It happens to all ages, genders, and sizes. We have to have safety measures in mind when making decisions. I'm 51 and I have finally figured that out.

Be safe!

 

[Ocarina]

I have never been physically assaulted but time after time have unwittingly found myself in vulnerable positions with men. I find it seemingly impossible to decipher intention in others until it's too late. Have had marriage proposals from men who I have had no idea had any romantic intentions on at least five occasions.

It's almost laughable except that it's engendered in me a kind of wariness and extreme self preservation that stops me wanting to get close to people.

It's horrific to read on this thread the physical damage that some of you have been subjected to and I feel blessed that despite my ridiculous naievity this has never happened despite putting myself at risk on many occasions.

There's something I love about my accepting, child like honesty and oppeness, but as life goes on I've become increasingly aware that it simply not safe to act like this and I've developed some protective mechanisms.

My last relationship whilst not abusive as such was emotionally traumatic - I struggle with keeping boundaries in place and knowing where to draw the line. I'd rather be accepting and passive but sadly this leads to frequently being (metaphorically) trampled upon. I hope one day I can find a balanced relationship, but have to admitt feeling somewhat defeated for the moment. Just feels too much like hard work,

 

[Rich Gray]

[1.0] I have Asperger's, and I was never abused. I do not think my two sisters were abused. One of my sisters likely has Asperger's.

[1.1] My dad was a police officer. His profession and the 44 Magnum revolver that was sometimes strapped to his hip was likely a strong deterrent. He did not wear his gun off-duty, but could come to school directly from work, and then pretty much have to wear it (leaving it in the car would be dangerous).

[1.2] I spend a lot of time at home reading role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons), or going out to the mall or movies with friends who I played D&D with. Staying in groups of trusted friends likely protected me. My parents letting my friends play at the house also allowed them to watch me (this was a goal of theirs).

[1.3a] At ~15 or so I was full-grown. I am an average guy physically, non-violent (I would pretty much always rather debate, then fight), but I seem to be much more aggressive and stubborn than most. Combined with my impaired ability to read body language, I have unknowingly pissed off many alpha males. I am sure (once I hit ~15 I may have screamed "I will kill you" to predators). At ~19 I was rather above average in strength for a while there due to pushing in shopping carts for a huge grocery store (lots of carts) during a very hot summer (the Chicago area can be extremely hot in the summer, and extremely cold in the winter). That was probably the age where I looked the most strong / menacing.

[1.3b] I am hard to intimidate because I do not tend to see the threatening body language. I need to use unconscious mental energy to read body language. This stops when stressed, angered, or otherwise occupied. So I do not see threatening body language sometimes, and this just pisses alpha-males off more. It is interesting to experience.

[1.3c] Not having to spend energy on ready body language makes working over the phone relaxing for me.

[2.0] I have two daughters.

[2.1] My 9-year-old has cleaning OCD and anxiety. I am rather quite sure that she does not have ASD. Boys are already pursuing her.

[2.2a] My 6-year-old likely has high functioning ASD, Asperger's, like me. She has ADD and possesses boundless energy. She does not like using metal utensils. She is obsessed with rainbows, light, colors, and coloring/painting. She sometimes (not always) has problems communicating (finding her words). My wife may be intentionally or unintentionally handling her (she is a special education teacher).

[2.2b] For example: she could loudly say "I'm hungry", not be specific in what she wants to eat, not get food for herself, and not accept food brought to her that she does not feel like eating. The whole time either saying loudly or yelling "I'm hungry." This repetitive and loud noise may set off a trigger in me causing me to become frustrated and loose control (yelling, never hitting).

[3.0] How do I teach them to not be a target, especially my 6-year-old that likely has ASD (I keep thinking this is short for Asperger's Syndrom Disorder).

[3.1] I am really quite tempted to tell her teachers to let me know anonymously if anything is out of the ordinary, and that I will "take care of problems." But I do not want to come across as a homicidal lunatic.

[3.2a] If anyone (like a teacher, or other adult) hurts one of them, then I am somewhat unsure that I could help myself from killing the offender.

[3.2b] Perhaps I have too much testosterone, or this could be normal, but I do not think that this is normal. I have instinctively thrown myself into stupid and dangerous situations when there was a perceived threat directed towards my wife. Not having control over ones actions is a fascinating experience to have. To throw oneself at the threat is not always (mostly never?) the tactical move that a person with control or training would have. Retreating, calling the police and perhaps getting a weapon (something with reach, a club, or a knife depending on the location) would be much more tactical. Perhaps I need some combat training. This has not yet occurred with my children being threatened (as in they were never really threatened in my presence), but I am rather sure that my reaction would be the same.

 

[Rich Gray]

There are biological differences between men and women which mean that the strength difference is not in proportion to the (usual) size difference. We differ from other primates in this. For example, male gorillas are stronger than females, but only because they are bigger-if they were the same size, they would be the same strength. But if a male human and female human are similar sizes, the man will still almost always be stronger.

It is my understanding that men are 13% stronger.

 

[Rich Gray]

This is a well-known disadvantage for all HFA people of both genders. Being naive, taking things literally, interpreting others in the world as straightforward and truthful... these are all personality traits that can get us into trouble. It happens to all ages, genders, and sizes. We have to have safety measures in mind when making decisions. I'm 51 and I have finally figured that out.

Be safe!

I have been set up to be fired by one boss who was stealing via letting people clock in for overtime so that they could go shopping or play golf. I was about to (maybe) expose the behavior, and was clueless. I fell right into the trap, but the manager above him believed me. It was a mess.

 

[Khendra]

I've never been taken advantage of. I've worked with male clients who have sex offender histories and the whole lot.

They never make moves on me.

I remember trying hard to land a guy when I was younger. I was almost always told I looked masculine and unattractive.

Thankfully, when I was 19, I did finally find a guy who liked me. We've been together ever since. We're happily married. He's hot and some folks online who have seen pictures of us tell me that I am out of his league and he should have picked someone better. But he loves me, I love him, and those people can go bite something, I suppose.

So yeah, total opposite problem here. But I'm a curly-haired nerd and tomboy and some of you aren't, so maybe just have to accept the blunt truth that it's because of your appearance and not necessarily your autism.

 

[BK201]

So yeah, total opposite problem here. But I'm a curly-haired nerd and tomboy and some of you aren't, so maybe just have to accept the blunt truth that it's because of your appearance and not necessarily your autism.

I don't know much about you, but you look like someone who can make eye contact. Maybe that's what makes a difference. Lack of eye contact has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. I've learned to fake it, but it's exhausting.

 

[Khendra]

Hm, that's interesting. I didn't make much eye contact as a child, but I've been told I make good eye contact as an adult, for the most part. I wouldn't have thought that has relation to this sort of thing, though.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I'm 35F and fairly sure I'm high-functioning Aspergers, but it is only recently - like in the past 2 weeks - that I've come to this conclusion.
I have had to revisit all my past interactions with people to understand how I interpret their behaviour and acknowledge that I do not understand that people lie to my face to get what they want.

I have been in a number of vulnerable positions and been taken advantage of. Of late, I have been subjected to predatory behaviour by someone I believed to be a friend, colleague, and who held a position of power over me, and took advantage of my kindness, sympathy, social anxiety and quiet nature. I now see I was completely naive and he was grooming me for months, if not years, for his sick personal pleasure.
I managed to work out his true intentions- not before some damage was done - but at least I'm aware of what is going on and who he really is.

I attribute my 'awakening' to reading something on the different attributes women with AS display from males - completely by accident.
It was my lightbulb moment and the more I read, the more traits I noticed I exhibited.

I realise I need to be more careful with whom I trust and acknowledge that people are devious and have their own nefarious intentions.
They are not what/who they say they are. Trust in behaviour not words.
This is hard for me, who loves reading and lives in her head and loves the power of words. This 'power' was used against me with nearly catastrophic consequences.

I wrote a list last night of how I expect people to treat me. If they say one thing but their actions do not match their words, then I will know their intentions are impure and I must not take their words to heart.
It's a new concept for me and very much a work in progress but I feel more in control, especially being able to take a moment and acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and analyse what I am thinking and feeling and the reasons why. I am hopeful that I will not place myself unwittingly in a dangerous position again in the future.

 

[Rich Gray]

I don't know much about you, but you look like someone who can make eye contact. Maybe that's what makes a difference. Lack of eye contact has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. I've learned to fake it, but it's exhausting.

I tend to look at their face in general, and not into the eyes directly.

 

[LittleLemon]

This has happened many times to me. I have had multiple partners and I never knew how to stop it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I was pushed even into a group thing despite telling my boyfriend at the time, 'no. I don't want this anymore.' He forced me into it and it was awful. Around that same time in college, a boy I knew from high school asked to hang out. I was confused and said ok. We had nothing in common. Why did he want to hang out? We got to my dorm room and he suddenly attacked me. After several terrifying minutes of struggling, I managed to fight him off and kick him out of the room. I wish I had someone talk to me about boundaries and tell me it was ok to say no. I have an Aspie daughter now and this WILL be a topic of conversation when she's older.

 

[ksheehan88]

I don't get taken advantage of in a sexual nature, I don't appeal to most men/women.

Where I get taken advantage of is my inability to recognise when someone is using me, or my inability to see the bad in people.

 

[Ragnahawk]

#offtopic
It is super cool that you girls keep your opinions non biased. I'm just saying. The last discussion I had, a female went psycho feminist.

 

[Pariah Dog]

#offtopic
It is super cool that you girls keep your opinions non biased. I'm just saying. The last discussion I had, a female went psycho feminist.

I second this notion.


I must say I am very sorry to hear about those of you who have been attacked. I could personally not imagine doing that to a woman. Even if I tried to think of what that would be like my guts would literally become sick. I don't have daughter (or a son) of my own, but I have friends that do. If I knew someone had attacked one of them I'm pretty sure I WOULD find some way or another to ummm... lets say "make things right" to avoid saying anything illegal, and do so in such a way that the offender would not be able to do wrong again.

The last time I went on a date with a lady I made sure to pick her up outside her place and walk her to where we were going, rather than she walk alone there and meet me as she originally intended. She said her neighborhood is safe. And maybe it is relatively so. However a lot of homeless people roam through the area. Most of them are probably harmless, until one of them isn't. I don't see her anymore, and I really do hope she stays safe and doesn't have to learn anything the hard way. A pretty lady walking alone in the dark. I feel over enough times its not if but when that is going to go badly.

One thing I don't like to hear that comes from the feminist community it seems is that we need to send the message to men not to rape. That the message should be "Don't rape" not "Don't get raped." This is an asinine notion. If you grew up in a western country, and I would assume advanced eastern ones as well, then you were already taught this message. People are also told not to lie, cheat, steal, murder and so forth, but they do those things anyway. What it comes down to are that you are primarily responsible for your own safety. I am a male in fairly good physical condition that a lot of other males wouldn't be very inclined to mess with unless they were significantly larger (I'm only 5'10") and a complete asshole. If I were to go into a really bad neighborhood and I got stabbed or shot or something to that effect, the first thing people would be asking is why was I there? And they would be right to ask it, why would I have put myself in a high risk situation?

In the case of ladies that means also avoiding high risk behavior. Like getting drunk and going in a strangers car. Getting into alone situations with a new stranger. I'm going to be as politically correct as possible about this one but, if dating a man who comes from a culture (I specifically said "culture") where dehumanizing and objectifying women is just the routine and even glorified, there is a high probability of attack in that situation as well. I suppose those situations all miss the point in a way since this thread is related to autistic women not being able to read the signs and being naive. Knowing this I would suppose that young girls known to be one the spectrum should maybe get an extra thorough level of education on this matter.

If an incident unfortunately happens you can report it to the police but generally nothing will result of it. At best it will exist in a record somewhere that hopefully doesn't get destroyed. If you look in Western Europe especially, rape culture is becoming increasingly the norm and police, government, and media all cover it up to push a politically correct agenda. What are feminist saying about that? Absolutely nothing.

Maybe what's needed is a new feminism that starts fresh. The current variety has gone so far from it's roots its become unrecognizable (and really obnoxious). A feminist movement that puts the rights, education, and well being of women first and fore most and doesn't just completely lay down and hide when their beliefs might conflict with some other beliefs they dare not oppose. That is probably what the origins of feminism were all about actually.