Being taken Advantage of, as Aspie/Autie Women

[theminx]

After responding to a separate post, it got me to thinking...

...it made me realize...that because it often seems easier for us Aspie/Autie women to meet men...it often lends itself to a whole different set of difficulties, such as the fact many NT men seem to sense our (us Aspie/Autie women's) innate vulnerabilities and often seem to prey on us.

I've been told several times in my life I look good on paper to men. So, getting asked out was never an issue. Things would start out fine...but it quickly would descend into...frustrations...often on both sides of the equation.

Until I met my current boyfriend, who is also an Aspie like me.

The worst thing for me has been...men (NT men) have often tried to take advantage of me...physically. I didn't know I was an Aspie for most of my life, so...I often blamed these transgressions on myself. I would wonder what I did to make them want to do these things to me. I would turn the event over in my head...confused why they attacked me.

Once when I was in college a guy invited me back to his room to study. He then locked the door. Then he sat down next to me...and suddenly launched himself at me. I got away. I left all my books there. And I never retrieved them, but I didn't care.

Another time...a guy was giving me a ride home. He suddenly pulled off into the woods. Like the other guy...he suddenly attacked me. I burst out crying, lashing out...and he suddenly stopped. Called me a baby and drove me home.

There have been several other instances, but those give you an idea of what I'm talking about

Luckily, like I said, I was usually able to get away. But the the first time it happened, when I was 14, I was not so lucky.

So, I decided to start taking mixed martial arts based in Jeet Kune Do. Private lessons...

I remember my instructor told me something that struck a chord with me...he said...I don't understand why parents don't take their little girls to me when they are young. Then women like you wouldn't come to me when you're older in response to life knocking you down so often.

But being able to defend ourselves physically is only one variable in part of a larger equation, and not the true crux of the problem.

I once dated a guy who told me if I loved him...then I'd allow him to humiliate me...

So, verbal abuse is another factor.

I'm not saying Aspie and Autie men aren't subjected to the same type of abuse. I'm saying because women are on average 22% smaller than men, which leaves us physically vulnerable...and because it is easier for us to meet men...but often diffuculty for us to hold onto them, which leaves us vulnerable to overtures...and because we are often naive and quite literal, we get taken advantage of quite a bit. Both physically as well as emotionally.

Have other Aspie or Autie women encountered this?

 

[qwerty]

my lack of an intuitive awareness of interpersonal dynamics
made me an easy target for predation.
i was sexually taken advantage of by both a male and female
teacher.

 

[theminx]

my lack of an intuitive awareness of interpersonal dynamics
made me an easy target for predation.
i was sexually taken advantage of by both a male and female
teacher.

What happened? Were you okay?

I had one guy when I was 14 brutally attack me.

As well as many other instances. A few I list above. So, that's why I wanted to start this. We talk about people having difficulty getting dates. But not what happens when people do get dates.

Again, I mainly focus on women because we are on average 22% smaller...and seem to have less difficulty getting dates, but that doesn't mean male Aspies or Auties are less susceptible to abuse or being taken advantage of.

I just wanted to swe if we could get a discussion about this going.

 

[qwerty]

i was fine, just really confused.

i went to a 'dinner party' at
the male teachers house, had lots to drink n smoke
and he said i could stay the night, so i did.
he hoped into bed with me and took advantage of me.
i didn't enjoy it, but thought it would be impolite to
stop him.

similar situation with the female teacher, except i ended
up leaving school and living with her for a few months.
a lot of people thought it was amazing and cool, i was
just a bit confused by it all.

i hope that there is more education for aspies these days
as to what is acceptable, sexual boundaries and that it is ok
to say no when in situations where our social blindness makes
us vulnerable.

i imagine it is much worse for females.

 

[theminx]

i was fine, just really confused.

i went to a 'dinner party' at
the male teachers house, had lots to drink n smoke
and he said i could stay the night, so i did.
he hoped into bed with me and took advantage of me.
i didn't enjoy it, but thought it would be impolite to
stop him.

similar situation with the female teacher, except i ended
up leaving school and living with her for a few months.
a lot of people thought it was amazing and cool, i was
just a bit confused by it all.

i hope that there is more education for aspies these days
as to what is acceptable, sexual boundaries and that it is ok
to say no when in situations where our social blindness makes
us vulnerable.

i imagine it is much worse for females.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That is sad.

Extracting ourselves is almost as difficult. Cuz you're confused and afraid and don't want people feeling bad.

I understand. Being prey on...by other sex...is not easily comprehended. The why? The what did I do...when it likely wasn't your fault.

I'm sorry that happened.

 

[umbrellabeach]

So far I haven't been attacked, but I've been hit on countless times at work. Every time it happens I get nervous about what the guy's going to try to do, even if we're inside with all the people and cameras. I bought a personal alarm on Amazon but I don't have official permission to take it to work yet.

 

[Datura]

I am bigger than most men, but not nessisarily stronger. I have also had men try to take advantage of me, ususally cab drivers. It is infuriating because I used to take cabs when I was out at night specifically to be safe, but it turns out that many of those men can't be trusted.

I also had a man take advantage of me while I was touring alone in an other city. I had many opportunities to get away, but I didn't want to be rude. Even though I told him "no" over and over again he still insisted. By the time he got me alone in his appartment I was compliant mostly out of fear. He was much stronger than me, and nobody else had any idea where I was. After the first time he wanted to do it again, but I just shut down, unable to speak and standing there like a post before walking out the door. I was lucky he had no intent to hurt me because there wouldn't be much I could do about it.

Especially when I was younger I had many men come up to me and grope me in public. I didn't really know how to react and would freeze up when this happened. I felt ashamed with myself because I always thought I would put somebody in their place if they did this to me.

 

[theminx]

I am bigger than most men, but not nessisarily stronger. I have also had men try to take advantage of me, ususally cab drivers. It is infuriating because I used to take cabs when I was out at night specifically to be safe, but it turns out that many of those men can't be trusted.

I also had a man take advantage of me while I was touring alone in an other city. I had many opportunities to get away, but I didn't want to be rude. Even though I told him "no" over and over again he still insisted. By the time he got me alone in his appartment I was compliant mostly out of fear. He was much stronger than me, and nobody else had any idea where I was. After the first time he wanted to do it again, but I just shut down, unable to speak and standing there like a post before walking out the door. I was lucky he had no intent to hurt me because there wouldn't be much I could do about it.

Especially when I was younger I had many men come up to me and grope me in public. I didn't really know how to react and would freeze up when this happened. I felt ashamed with myself because I always thought I would put somebody in their place if they did this to me.

To the first part of what you wrote, I think it's all about either fight and/or flight or freeze, like a deer in headlights.

The fear when you're in that situation is papable. At least that's how it has felt for me. You don't think. You just react as the fear washes thru you. My reaction has always been to fight back...then run. I'm small. Only 5'3", but I'm oddly strong and scrappy. So, my first instinct is to lash out when a guy attacks. Most such men are bullies, so as soon as you fight back...they tend to let you go.

That isn't what happened when I was 14. He was brutal and at least 6'4"-5". He pummeled me before using me.

That's why I decided to take the private MMA classes. The PTSD was starting to give me intense nightmares. And I was having difficulty coping with any public setting.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

But either way...whether you fight back, run or you freeze, I think this is a big issue for many of us...women (as well as men) on the spectrum.

As to the the second part of what you wrote... about men groping you in public. I don't know why men do this. Why they think it is okay.

There was this one man (let's call him Perv) I used to work with...he was much older...he liked to sniff me. He also used to like to tell me he wanted to rub me or kiss me. He never actually touched me...but I was constantly worried that one day he would.

My boss once yelled at me for threatening to punch Perv in the face after he told me he wanted to kiss my chest. My boss seemed to have conveniently heard only my response...and not what prompted it. So, I got in trouble.

Apologies for the diatribe.

I hope you never had to see that man again after that...the man who took advantage of you. I hope you're okay now.

 

[Datura]

Thanks, I'm okay, I guess. Generally I'm kind of messed up and getting better, but I don't know how much of that has to do with sexual trauma.

The double standard with sexual harrassment is all too common. Despite the practice being frowned upon by the public in the workplace it often gets overlooked and then women get in trouble when they stand up for themselves. I have know women who went through official channels to report sexual harrassment and were chastised for making trouble. People say feminism has run its course, but there is still a lot of change that needs to be made.

 

[Astroganga]

Yes I have experienced this. I was sexually harassed by a teacher at school, and other stuff too that I don't want to go into details on. On the other side of the coin, I have in the past had a whole bunch of immigrant men try to con me into marrying them for a visa. Word got out that I was trusting, naïve and a bit too earnest with my thoughts and feelings and they saw me as am easy target.

 

[Cali Cat]

Interestingly, I haven't had too much of a problem with being taken advantage of physically. I may have just been lucky. I've certainly gotten myself into a couple of sticky situations, but that was mainly during my late teens and early twenties, getting into the wrong car with the wrong guy after being out drinking. I was always able to extract myself from those situations though.

One thing I found about myself, is that I'm very intimidating to a lot of men. I've never attracted the kind of guy who is physically abusive. I don't know why that is, because looking at me you would think I would be easy prey being only 5'5" and weighing only 110 pounds back in the day. But, I think my attitude saved me. I tend to come off as being extremely aloof and even snooty. Even if I'm unsure of myself, I don't readily show it.

I also seem to have a sixth sense about people. I can sense when they have bad intentions. It's like a gut reaction, and I make myself even more unappealing when I sense that someone is up to something. It's like I've studied the patterns of normal NT behavior so thoroughly that when someone behaves outside the parameters I've learned, that sends up red flags to me. Then I put some distance between me and them until I can study them further. In just about all cases, my gut feeling was correct.

Sadly, however, my good nature has caused me to be taken advantage of both emotionally and financially. I don't seem to have the same radar for people using more subtle manipulative tactics, but that's probably because love plays a part in these relationships, either romantic love or brotherly love, and both tend to muddy the waters of rational thinking for me. If I love someone as either a friend or a lover, I will give them whatever I have, both emotionally and financially. I never know where the boundaries are in that respect. I guess I have a better idea of where they are when it comes to physical interaction.

 

[theminx]

Interestingly, I haven't had too much of a problem with being taken advantage of physically. I may have just been lucky. I've certainly gotten myself into a couple of sticky situations, but that was mainly during my late teens and early twenties, getting into the wrong car with the wrong guy after being out drinking. I was always able to extract myself from those situations though.

One thing I found about myself, is that I'm very intimidating to a lot of men. I've never attracted the kind of guy who is physically abusive. I don't know why that is, because looking at me you would think I would be easy prey being only 5'5" and weighing only 110 pounds back in the day. But, I think my attitude saved me. I tend to come off as being extremely aloof and even snooty. Even if I'm unsure of myself, I don't readily show it.

I also seem to have a sixth sense about people. I can sense when they have bad intentions. It's like a gut reaction, and I make myself even more unappealing when I sense that someone is up to something. It's like I've studied the patterns of normal NT behavior so thoroughly that when someone behaves outside the parameters I've learned, that sends up red flags to me. Then I put some distance between me and them until I can study them further. In just about all cases, my gut feeling was correct.

Sadly, however, my good nature has caused me to be taken advantage of both emotionally and financially. I don't seem to have the same radar for people using more subtle manipulative tactics, but that's probably because love plays a part in these relationships, either romantic love or brotherly love, and both tend to muddy the waters of rational thinking for me. If I love someone as either a friend or a lover, I will give them whatever I have, both emotionally and financially. I never know where the boundaries are in that respect. I guess I have a better idea of where they are when it comes to physical interaction.

I've not been taken advantage of in quite some time, as I've been with my boyfriend. But I used to...way more often than I used to admit.

But like you, I think in patterns. So, I'm now better able to detect ill intentions.

Not so much with women...though. But that's usually petty stuff.

But it just got me to thinking, especially due to the fact I've PTSD from what happened when I was 14. I started taking mixed martial arts. Which helps me...

...but I started thinking maybe there are other girls who are like how I used to be. So, I wanted to start a discussion where they might feel comfortable talking about their experiences. I thought it might be cathartic for...well, all of us.

 

[theminx]

Yes I have experienced this. I was sexually harassed by a teacher at school, and other stuff too that I don't want to go into details on. On the other side of the coin, I have in the past had a whole bunch of immigrant men try to con me into marrying them for a visa. Word got out that I was trusting, naïve and a bit too earnest with my thoughts and feelings and they saw me as am easy target.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Were you able to stop what was going on? Or...are you okay? Do you need to talk to anyone?

Whatever happened, remember that these sort of men are predatory, and none of it is your fault.

 

[Astroganga]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Were you able to stop what was going on? Or...are you okay? Do you need to talk to anyone?

Whatever happened, remember that these sort of men are predatory, and none of it is your fault.

No I wasn't able to stop it, and it wasn't until I was quite a bit older that I was able to see it for what it was. I have never told my parents about it. He was a really old, close to retirement age teacher, he used to call me 'affectionate' names like 'honeybuns', 'beautiful', and 'darling' much to the amusement of other students. He also used to hug and touch me inappropriately, but not overtly sexually and somehow manipulated me and all the other students in my class into thinking this was ok and funny. My feelings about him were conflicted though as I was also flattered by what he said, as everyone else, including other teachers, bullied me and mocked my appearance or demeanour, and called me slow and stupid-or pretending to be to gain negative attention.

When I nearly got expelled, for trashing an exam hall in a meltdown, he seemed to be the only one who supported me and he visited me every day in the room where I was being taught in isolation, as I was being treated like a criminal for lashing out after being taunted constantly throughout the exam. He said he was the only one who understood me and that he cared about me, and that my head of year had wanted to expel me but he had stopped it (that part was true). So he seemed to be on my side but looking back it was for his own reasons. I just wanted to scream at him to go away and leave me alone, but I couldn't.

I ended up having a breakdown for other reasons and didn't go to school for months, and ended up transferring to another private school as the school was 'suggesting' I leave anyway as my mere being there was a disruptive influence on the poor innocent other students who were bullying me. He would be in his mid to late 80s now, so not sure if he is still alive, internet searches drew a blank. At around that time there was a comedy sketch series called The Fast Show, and there was this sketch with a country gentleman type, Ralph who had an unspoken love with his Irish groundskeeper. The sketch used to make my skin crawl and I would have to change the channel or leave the room because Ralph spoke exactly the same, and dressed exactly the same as that teacher.

 

[Mary Terry]

It is not just Aspies who are victimized by men. It is all - or most - women and girls. The only way to combat it is to REPORT it to law enforcement. Use your cell phone to take photos or video the contact if you can do so safely.

 

[Tom]

Just wanted to ask a question. Growing up and in the single years I never was inclined in the faintest to force myself upon anyone. I knew it happened, there were always rapists, but wasn't aware it happened very often with typical guys. I may have been wrong.

But staying with my impression, it seems to be much more common now, guys forcing themselves on women.

Is there any truth to that? Is it more common?

Or is it the same and just more reported now?

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't know if it is more common now than in the past but I do believe that there is a lot of smut and filth on the internet which encourages potential rapists and sexual abusers to engage in that behavior. It seems to be considered "cool" to demean women among certain popular cultures in the USA. Studies have shown that the availability of child porn on the internet actually intrigues and stimulates guys to act out their child rape fantasies. Without that internet stimulation, those guys might never act on their sick inclinations.

All I know is to listen to your instincts, avoid dangerous situations where you are alone with someone you don't know well, and report any incidents to law enforcement. Even if nothing ever comes from your complaint, at least you have created a record of the guy's abuse. The police track those kinds of people.

 

[Judge]

Just wanted to ask a question. Growing up and in the single years I never was inclined in the faintest to force myself upon anyone. I knew it happened, there were always rapists, but wasn't aware it happened very often with typical guys. I may have been wrong.

But staying with my impression, it seems to be much more common now, guys forcing themselves on women.

Is there any truth to that? Is it more common?

Or is it the same and just more reported now?

Good questions. I'd say, look to a major benchmark to define such questions.

The upcoming trial(s) of Bill Cosby.

Let's see how both the court of law and the court of public opinion defines some of these worst case scenarios.

 

[Tom]

Good questions. I'd say, look to a major benchmark to define such questions.

The upcoming trial(s) of Bill Cosby.

Let's see how both the court of law and the court of public opinion defines some of these worst case scenarios.

I don't think celebrities are a good yardstick for anything. Except maybe excess.

I am wondering about any shift in typical/the mass of people.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Just wanted to ask a question. Growing up and in the single years I never was inclined in the faintest to force myself upon anyone. I knew it happened, there were always rapists, but wasn't aware it happened very often with typical guys. I may have been wrong.

But staying with my impression, it seems to be much more common now, guys forcing themselves on women.

Is there any truth to that? Is it more common?

Or is it the same and just more reported now?

I'd say it's a combination of it being reported more, increased high risk behaviour amongst women (getting drunk, going out at night etc.) providing more opportunities for predatory men, and the spread of materials and attitudes on the internet that encourages violent and demeaning behaviour towards women.